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Manipulative Personality...developed or pre requisite?

Old 09-19-2010, 12:17 PM
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Manipulative Personality...developed or pre requisite?

Dealing With Manipulative People

I was reading the above link about manipulative personalities, and I believe it is safe to say that they come hand in hand with alcoholics. I am just curious as to whether it is a trait that they gradually develop because of the addiction, or are the majority of these people manipulative long before an addiction ever comes into play. I know the answers probably won't be so black and white, and everyone is different, but I just wonder if a lot of our A's would be the same way, just as manipulative, even without the alcohol?
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Old 09-19-2010, 12:32 PM
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Almost everyone is manipulative to some extent. Heck, Al-Anons are FAMOUS for it--we try to manipulate the alcoholics left and right. Were we THAT manipulative before, or did we become that way from the insanity of living with someone bent on destroying him/herself?

I think just like us, alcoholics (I'm one, myself) become manipulative in an attempt to manage the unmanageable. Alcoholics manipulate because they feel compelled to do what's necessary to continue to drink. Partners and family members manipulate because they feel compelled to try to change the alcoholic and to protect themselves.
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Old 09-19-2010, 01:12 PM
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I did try to manipulate my exabf. How did that work for me? It didn't.

As for a trait of an "A" yes, I think it goes with the territory, they want what they want and they want it now!
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Old 09-19-2010, 02:54 PM
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Yeah you're right, I definitely have been super manipulative to my XABF. I am no angel. I guess I was just asking because mine wasn't just manipulative about the alcohol, mainly about denying that he ever slept with a co-worker who was married. And when I asked would try to make me feel crazy. Once the truth finally came out he admitted that he would do all those things just to make me drop it. S0o0o I guess it's just all a means to get what you want.
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:04 PM
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The manipulation thing is what any two people do when healthy communication has broken down. Desperate acts by desperate people. The drinker needs to manipulate to continue to drink (after losing the job, the place to live etc) and those that love them manipulate to either keep that person in our lives (against our better judgement) or thinking we can fix them.

BTW I am writing all this for myself If it rings true for anyone else, not sure but that is my take on my own manipulative tendencies.
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:26 PM
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hummm, but can it not be a learning TRAIT...?? I have a relative( a mother) that was living with an alcoholic and the daughter picked up the mothers BAD parts of the relationship..the mother would lie, cheat...sneek, the whole thing...now the daughter is that way..everyday...I can not have a relationship with the daughter because everything that comes out of her mouth is CRAP...I dont believe her....and the problem...they all dont see any problems with this behaviour...grrr...
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:31 PM
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I'm sure it is a learned trait when growing up but then when the addiction takes hold they pull into that side and realize they can use it to their advantage. One of the things that irks me is the 'addict behavior' when they are sober. It is so ingrained in them that yes, it must be a trait they had as kids for whatever reason. Something that really needs to be unlearned when sober if they really want to rebuild a healthy life.
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:34 PM
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well the daughter does not see the father as a alcoholic..nor the mother...
the daughter did get married..but did not last long....and I believe these are the reasons why....now its her kids....it is truelly safe to say that "its a diease that effects everyone in the family"
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:35 PM
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I dunno... I know plenty of manipulators who aren't alcoholics, but I never met an alcoholic who wasn't manipulative. I think there are some alcoholics who were manipulative before, but even those who weren't, become that way once the alcohol has them. It's a survival mechanism.
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:40 PM
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Or as one addict termed it "hustling".
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:41 PM
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It's a survival mechanism posted by lexiecat

ooooo, now that is good words!! I GET THAT
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Old 09-19-2010, 04:19 PM
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All I know is that with over 6 months sober, my ex rabf was even more manipulative, more argumentative, more opinionated, more resentful, more everything....

I went No Contact as his behavior was a trigger for me...made me so uncomfortable.

And now, almost 2 months later, I do not know if he is sincerely working his AA program, or if he has let it go and moved on to another woman...I know nothing.

And I miss him very much, but I will leave it all to my higher power. I will not text, will not call. I know I will be disappointed. I am heartbroken, but I have my sanity and my serenity. So I am ok.
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