I know the pain...

Old 09-19-2010, 10:49 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: virginia
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I know the pain...

The hurt of loving someone whose addiction(s) come first in their life. The man i loved had many! He was first and alcholic. And ive experienced his addiction to pornography, which was just as devestating to me as the alchol addiction. An everyday weed habit...which he smoked very often. I felt so alone. We were together for 6 years. I left a total of 5 times. But with each time i found stength and i found out im a stronger person than i thought i was! Ive had my share of tears...crying at times as though someone had died. I thought i was loosing my mind. But i realized someone was dying...and that person was ME! With every broken promise which i clinged to..wanting to believe with all my heart that THIS TIME he really sees what hes doing to us. Ive been cursed so many times..choked...pushed..told i was crazy. That im insecure,jealous, just basically told how worthless i am! And then...when i would leave i was told how wrong he was about everything..and how he just cant live without me! And how he would do ANYTHING to have me back in his life!!! There was no pleasing this man! Nothing was ever good enough for him. There were some wonderful times...but the bad outweighted the good!! I once was a very happy...outgoing...always smiling and laughing kinda person. By the time the relationship was ALMOST OVER...i was sad, hurt,untrusting,empty,broken and didnt know who i was anymore! So i woke up one day and said TO HELL with what will it take to make him better...i need to get out of expecting too much from this broken person!! When he wants help he will find it! Ive gave six years of my life and put my heart into helping him...loving him..experincing abuse thru the few days..sometimes weeks when he actually did seek sobriety. It was short lived because he always would go back to his first love Alchol!! And never did he give up his love of porn!! What do i WANT or NEED from a man who wants everything to be about him...and have me waiting on the sidelines of addiction...Ive spent many nights alone looking at him passed out and cry for him and for his life.. helping him get to bed safely and there i lay beside him...ALONE and EMPTY. No arms to hold me..NO VOICE to comfort me and tell me everything will be ok. And no longer wanting to hear anymore broken empty words of we can get thru this!!! When i realized that i was becomming sicker than he ever thought of being...i started telling myself YOU need to let go and MOVE ON!! Its time to wake up and take care of myself. Its been almost 6 months...and i have read books on addiction and abuse.. and ive kept my focus on ME!!! and what I WANT AND NEED. I have a responsibility to MYSELF!! Ive been given one life to live....and im responsible for what i do with it!! Im getting stronger by the day!!! And im so thankful for the peace i now have. I wake up everymorning thankful to be free...i wouldnt trade this for ANYTHING!! I pray for the man i shared those six years with....i hope he finds freedom one day!! I forgive him for all the hurt and pain our relationship brought. Im thankful for what ive learned..and am still a work in progress!!
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Old 09-19-2010, 12:16 PM
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I hope to get where you are soon. My AH left 3 weeks ago and today I met him and told him that he cannot come home until he stops drinking and AA. His answer was he wants to enjoy life. Well, now to get on with mine. without him.

Thank you for your post.
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Old 09-19-2010, 12:44 PM
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I'm no angel!
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It definately is a process, some of us move quickly, others take years and then there are some that never wake up.

I am glad that you have found the peace and happiness that you so deserve.

Keep posting, others can use your support.
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Old 09-19-2010, 01:02 PM
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peaceful seabird
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Welcome to the Family!

Thank you for taking the time to share some of your story with us. Pleased to meet you!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself home by reading and posting as much as needed.

We are here to support you as you continue your journey of recovery.
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:52 AM
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your post in an inspiration to me, thank you. you are so wise to have realized that after only 6 years, good for you. Unfortunately, it has taken me much longer but i am grateful i see it at all!! i will NOT be that woman that stays trapped on that roller coaster and allows those broken promises to bait me to believe, then get hurt, then try again...i am NOT a doormat!
I am so grateful to read your post, thank you so much for sharing it....btw, i'm in Virginia too...ya think it's in the water? hahaha.....i'm leaving the state because i know i can't stay close by. i've been in this twisted marriage for too long and don't have time to play around.....i can't wait to feel the freedom and relief! you are a wonderful example, thanks!!
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:37 AM
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I identfy so much with everything you have said here. Its so good to know that there are others out there on the same journey as me. I am so glad I came to realise what was going on after only 3 years - but it was either that or go insane!
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Old 09-22-2010, 08:43 PM
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Hey, Lurning,


You surely ARE a work in progress, as we all are. You will find this a safe place while you continue to BECOME. We will walk with you.
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