opinions on my dad, please
 

Hello everyone.

I'm writing to ask for your opinions on my dad and his drinking. I'm 23, and I don't have a problem with alcohol.

Alright so, here's what's going on with my dad.

My mom left him a few months ago. He took it pretty hard, but it was basically the easiest divorce I've ever heard of. It's taking my dad a while to over all the emotional hurdles.

Background info:
The thing about my dad, he's always been a drinker. He's never been abusive. He's never missed a day of work because of drinking. But it was one of the reasons my mom left. she doesn't like to drink. and I'll be the first to say my dad is really annoying when he's hammered. He just likes to have a good time and needs alcohol to enjoy himself.. He drinks and drives a lot, which upset my mom. but he's never been busted or gotten in an accident. Two of his brothers are alcoholics.. but basically the negative impact alcohol has had is minimal.

I'm worried now, since my mom left. He went from drinking 2-3 nights a week, to almost every day. He gets so bored and depressed and mopey at home, he needs a drink. Today he got drunk alone.. I came home, after he'd gone to bed, and I found two 60 oz. juggs of beer, (one empty) and two bottles of rum, (one almost empty). and there are more cans of beer in the fridge, still.

One instance, last month he came home and said he only had, "8 or 10 beers." before he went out for more. I couldn't talk him out of it, besides he basically had the whole conversation by himself.

Anyway I was wondering if anyone has any advice. What should I do or say to this guy to make him drink less??

Thanks for taking the time to read this

No-one can make a person drink less. They have to make that decision for themselves. No amount of love or care can stop them drinking. Whenever I raised the issue with my AH (separated now) there would be conflict and and argument and he would turn it right round to suggest that I was the one who had the problem. Alcoholics defend their drinking.

Find an open AA meeting in your area and tell your dad you are taking him on the day of meeting.
Meeting directories are avail. online.
Confront him about his alcoholism...see if he is willing to get help.

I think you are in denial about his drinking and its impact on your family and especially your mum. Just reading your thread and not even knowing you, I was wincing at your suggestion that the 'negative impact alcohol has had is minimal' and that 'hes never been abusive' - sorry, but thats not what I picked up at all.

Firstly your mum has left him and divorced him and alcohol was one of the reasons that she did that. Your dad was annoying when hammered and drinks and drives a lot, upsetting her - well alcohol was abusive to their marriage and alcohol could well abuse some innocent driver making their way home one evening when a drunken driver (could be your dad) slams into them and leaves their family and your family devistated.

I dont know where you got the idea that your dads drinking is ok, as clearly it is not and although I dont know him or know whether he is truly an alcoholic, he obviously has a problem substituting alcohol for his feelings of boredom etc and you must be worried enough about his drinking for you to search out this website and post a thread about it.

Please keep reading the threads, posts and the stickies above, find a local Al-anon that you can attend and educate yourself in the disease of alcholism and inparticular 'denial' which is one of the worst symptoms and can also help prolong the disease if you dont get help with that.

Sorry if I sound harsh, didnt mean to, but it really will help your dad in the long run if you take off the rose tinted glasses and learn all you can.

Maybe you should talk to your mum. I think she is best one to tell you there is nothing you can do or say to that guy to make him drink less.
Since she has divorced him bacause of it, I bet she has already tried everything (as we most do) before she decided to part ways with him.
IMHO you can talk to your mum and trust what she has to say, or you can stick around him, start doing the things she did over the years and learn from your own experience.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but reality tinted with alcoholism always is.
I wish you well.

Is there an al-anon in your area that you could go to? it won't teach you how to get him to do anything, but will help you find the strength to make any decisions you need to in your own best interests.

for what its worth, and this is my opinion only, based on what you've said here, but it seems that actually alcohol has had a pretty damaging effect on his life, your mothers and maybe yours too: a marriage, 2 alcoholic brothers, drink driving, which is specifically illegal for very good reason, so he breaks the law too, and is now using alcohol as a coping mechanism in quantities that would slow an elephant. I say it has effected your life, because although we care about our parents and want to support them through hard emotional times, I doubt there are very many other 20-somethings wracking their brains to try and control a non-alcoholic parent's drinking.

Grtz to your mom and dad for making you the wonderful and caring person you have become.

First of all your Dad needs to WANT to stop drinking and face up to the fact that he has a problem.

Maybe when you catch him sober you could sit down and tell him how you feel about his drinking and how much it is affecting you.

Failing that you could ask your mom to have a word with him and tell him how you are feeling.

If none of this works you needed to decide whether you want to stick around or not. Very hard decisions for a young man, but you really need to get on with your own life hun and enjoy your own youth.


Good luck
Suzie

Here are some steps that have helped some of us with our loved ones:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Thank you for your support everyone. I will talk to him about it. I don't think he's an alcoholic, but will be soon if he stays at this pace.

I'm not sure where you get the idea your dad isn't an alcoholic, but it really doesn't matter what label you put on it. It is what it is--alcohol is messing up his life. It's already destroyed his marriage, and as others have pointed out, he could kill himself or someone else while driving drunk. Think that might be a bit of a problem?

I suggest you look at this thread, which is "stickied" at the top of the Alcoholism Forum. "Under the Influence" provides some very helpful information about alcoholism (or, if you prefer, "severe drinking problem").

The bottom line is that if someone doesn't see it as a problem he won't take any steps to deal with it. I know you want to help your dad, but helping him to excuse it and rationalizing it away isn't going to help him.

You can't MAKE him stop until he is ready, but you CAN arm yourself with the facts and let him know that you love him and will support him if he decides to stop his downward spiral. Untreated alcoholism (or "severe problem drinking") inevitably gets worse, not better.

well I talked to him about and he admitted right away he needed to cut down. "I'm not happy about it." He said. He also said he didn't drink that jug of beer and bottle of rum by himself. So.. that's good news.

Thanks again for taking the time, everyone. I appreciate it

I'm glad you were able to talk with your dad. The rest is up to him.

Keep reading and posting if needed. We are here to support you!

I wouldn't count on that being the truth.

Of course, I don't know your dad or your situation personally, but in my experience, people with a problem with alcohol rarely tell the whole truth about their drinking.

LexieCat,

Whaddaya mean? (recovering alcoholic here)
I only hadda couple!
Geez, why cant a woman drink a couple every now and then (meaning a couple cases every other day.)

;)
Beth

Pond,
Try AlAnon, deal with yourself, that is the only person you can control.

Tell him that you really love him and that you don't want him to go through it that way, and for him to make an effort to stop, me and you almost have the same story, but mine is with my mom, so all my prayers go out to you :)

Heh,

Me, too. Takes one to know one. :)