Dealing with anger in the AL

Old 09-18-2010, 10:28 AM
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Dealing with anger in the AL

DH is an alcoholic and has been one for yrs. He is high functioning, never missing a day of work. I've worked a lot on my codependency issues both with a counselor and on my own with the codependency books. For the first time I haven't felt controlling in months. I am happy and at peace. Dh has been happy too I thought, until last night when we went to a bar together.

At the bar he made an inappropriate approach to a woman who is a client of his. This upset me, but I chose to ignore it.

On the way home he asked why I was bitter all night. I truly wasn't. Besides the one situation above I had a good time. I told him I was happy, he said well he sure wasn't. That's when a lnadslide of anger towards me occurred. He siad he feels like he's sinking towards hell and would be better off dead. He said this 3 times, but swore he wouldn't commit suicide. All the angry feelings are due to me being firm by not allowing money to be spent on concert tickets and such when we clearly can't afford it.

I can't believe how angry he is at me. He told me he doesn't see us together in 20 yrs, we'd have nothing to do since we have no common interests.

He told me if it weren't for the kids 15 and 16 he would leave.

He said he still cares about me and that's the only reason he hasn't left.

What do I do? I know go to alanon. But how do I respond day to day? Avoid him? I know to be a judgement free as possible. I am hurt. should I keep to myself of should I try to be open and kind?

Should I get ready to leave?

Thank you for any advice. These tirades are occuring about 3 x/yr and I'm really at a loss.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:08 AM
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Wow Michelle, I know exactly how you feel, go to my thread "Have Had Enough" and you will see, there are some wonderful people who have responded with great ideas. Take care.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:16 AM
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Welcome to SR. Try reading the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a great deal of wisdom and help there.

Since it appears that you know you cannot control what your husband does, I wouldn't worry about doing or saying anything to him when he makes comments like this. If he wants to leave, he knows where the door is. If you want to leave, you know where the door is. You have to do whatever you feel is best for yourself and your children.

Going to a bar with an alcoholic is a recipe for disaster.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:36 AM
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Going to a bar with an alcoholic is a recipe for disaster.
I know. It's the only thing he wants to do besides see concerts or sports events which are expesive. He no longer likes to spend time with friends etc.

I've told him he can leave and I mean it. I would be fine. It would take some time and I'd have to go back to work, but I'd be Ok.

When he was ranting, I should've set my boundaries and said I won't talk to you when you're like this. We can talk about it later when you're more calm.

It's the day to day life that gets me, when you should just be acting normal, but can't because you feel like crying. I guess I should just keep to myself during these times.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:41 AM
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Hi Michelle--

Well. what do YOU want?

Are you satisfied with this relationship? Are you satisfied with a partner who only stays with you because you have children? Satisfied about what your kids are learning/absorbing about adult intimate relationships based on what they are living and the dynamic you 2 create?

If he doesn't see you together in 20 years, what are y'all waiting for?? I mean, what a thing to say!

Life, freedom, joy, and serenity are all around you.

I hated having to ask myself that very question "How do I act, how do I respond?" day in and day out in my dysfunctional marriage! Walking on eggshells. Yuk. It really came down to a realization that I did not know who I was, or what I wanted. Therapy helped me find my way. And AlAnon.

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