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feeling lost

Old 09-18-2010, 03:04 AM
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feeling lost

I have been dating an A for 2.5 years. We dated when I was in college for 2 years and broke up. He was a heavy drinker and at first I didn't mind because, as I said, I was in college. I started to realize he was an A and we ended it. I remember him telling me he didn't want me to go down his same path. That was a wake-up call and I got out. Fast forward five years and we bumped into each other. He's now a bartender and lives above the bar he works at. We started dating again, everything seemed fine. I could tell he seriously cut back on the drinking and thought he had it under control. I moved from another city not only to be with him but to futher my education. I sit here on the wee hours of the morning because I just can't take his drinking anymore and I don't know where to start to find me again and to try not to take his hurtful comments so personally. I feel lost. He told me the other night he drinks because of me and I sobbed. I know it's not me but it was so hard to hear it. Three nights ago I was trying to sleep and I heard him talking to the window AC! He doesn't remember doing that and when I told him the next day he said "well at least it doesn't yell at me."

I attended my first Alanon meeting 2 nights ago and I walked out feeling better, but here I sit as he's passed out in the other bedroom feeling like it's my fault. I am unemployed (though i'm looking) so it's hard to say I'm leaving when funds are low and I don't know many people since I've moved. Tonight, I was surfing the net when he came home and he seemed somewhat sober, afterall he was only at the bar for 3 hours, I was wrong. I have told him I don't like his drinking and I worry about him. He has no problem admitting to others he's an A, afterall he calls himself a "functioning alcoholic", but to me he gets so defensive and mean spirited. I've been called every name in the book, every judgment made (I didn't find out till tonight that he didn't like me wearing my hair in a pony tail!) and mocked because I don't drink around him. I try to stay away from him when he comes home drunk but that doesn't work. He gets mad when I tell him I don't want to talk to him when he's been drinking. I have become an angry, resentful person. It's such a sticky situation since I know I have no other roof over my head. I try to be in bed when he comes home and I've asked him to not wake me if I'm sleeping but he still does. His comeback to my request is "what do you have to do in the morning?" How do I deal with him? How do I at least attempt to tell him I don't want to talk to him when he's been drinking? Is him getting mad at me when I say I don't want to talk to him when he's brrn drinking a form of denial? How do I not take what he says so personally?

It feels so good to be able to write this knowing that there is help out there, knowing that even a kind strangers words may make the biggest impact.
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Old 09-18-2010, 03:29 AM
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Hi Jen8 and welcome to SR, glad you found us and no - you are not alone.

Of course you take what he says personally and it doesnt feel good does it. I used to tell myself that it was the drink talking in the real early days of our marriage, and that took some of the pain away, then it happened for so many years I started to believe it.

There was one time, not so long ago, that I spoke to my husband about his drinking, I said it in such a nice way, that his drinking upset me, as it made me feel frightened of him as his personality changed and would he please at least try to cut down. This quiet conversation became a viscious attack on my person, him saying basically that I was lazy and boring. This attack went on for quite a while until I was distraught and distressed and told him that the punishment didnt fit the crime (or words to that effect). This is what alcoholics do, to take the focus of themselves. My AH of 22 years has recently taken up internet porn and he doesnt even know that I know, as I dont want to have a conversation with him about it because I know that I will get the blame and it will be all my fault that he is doing that. Its not my fault in no way shape or form and a waste of time me challenging him on his behaviour. It really is no life to live and I am currently looking for my own haven of peace to rent and planning a new life for myself.

I appreciate how difficult it is for you not having a job but if you devote some of your 'angst' energy into looking for a way out, try thinking outside the box, an answer will come.

Since I started Al-anon about a year ago now, I have learnt to say to my AH that i wont talk to him when he has been drinking at it seems to work for me. He usually just walks away in a huff. I think you just have to be persistant and not answer back if he continues to talk and repeat, 'I will not discuss anything with you whilst you have been drinking'.

Stay safe and know this is not you and you deserve so much better.
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Old 09-18-2010, 07:00 PM
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Welcome.

You didn't cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

Alcoholism IS progrssive. It gets worse.

He might be functional now, but as the disease progresses he will get worse.

You are in a good position in that you are not married to him and you don't share children. Keep going to Al-Anon and posting here.

Hugs
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Old 09-18-2010, 07:35 PM
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Welcome, Jen.

Have you read any of the stickies posted at the top of the F&F of Alcoholics page? There is a lot of great information there that will help you to understand this nasty disease and how to deal with your situation.

You can find yourself again, just like so many of the amazing people here have done (and are doing). I'm glad you found us and I hope you stick around!

My XABF has a professional white-collar career but bartends part time because he "needs the money." Translation: "The bar is my playground for my addictions, and it provides a nice cash flow to support them." I am so glad to not be in a relationship anymore where the bartending and addictions were more important than me.

I also have a 48-year old, recovering alcoholic, bartender cousin who's on a waiting list for a liver transplant. His liver is shot from abusing alcohol for the last 30+ years. He has two young daughters and it's heartbreaking to watch.

I know it's hard but please, please do not take your ABF's drunken rants personally. It's part of what they do, but it's not about you.

It's good to see that you are ready for change. When it comes right down to it, you can and will be able to find a way out of that apartment if you're ready. People here will be around 24/7 to support you and offer great ideas/advice/exerience/strength and hope!

Hugs and peace to you, Jen.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:23 PM
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Jen

I can relate so much to what you are going through. I moved from another state to be with my ABF who at the time told me he was in recovery. I stayed living with him for 2 years and suffered terribly. I too did not have a job and was trying to go back to school. Finally, the last straw broke and I had to get out. I found a job and started planning to leave. I have been in my own place now for about 4 months and it is so relieving not to be around him if I chose not to. My advice is to really start looking for a job to support yourself and get out. You can still see each other but you will be able to set boundaries for yourself that work for you. No, the things he says to you is alcohol talking, but it still gets weary real fast. I know the feeling, our house was not big enough for me to hide sometimes. Also keep in touch here. Sometimes this forum has been the one thing that kept me sane.
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Old 09-19-2010, 01:03 AM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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Do you have a relative or friend you can move in with until you get established w/o him ?
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