NC was going so well until....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 42
NC was going so well until....
Hi all,
So I'm up to day 6 of NC and I'm doing really well... when I get a message from the exABF last night "I miss you so much.... I'm so sorry for everything. hope your ok"
So I dont respond. Why should I. He treated me like dirt up until a week ago when I decided no more and I am so focused in moving forward.
So then today I get another message "Do you want me to be out of your life forever? If yes I understand and will stop messaging you"
This from the person last week that told me that I had nothing to bring to the table, that he doesn't think he was ever in love with me, that he isn't excited to see me, told me to move on and then threatened to sue me for half my house when I asked him to get the rest of his things out my house.
So I spoke to my mum and decided to message him back with... "I'm surprised that you would say that. You made your feelings for me very clear last week"
He then responds "Look im very confused and I dont want to hurt you anymore. As I'm progressing this week I really miss your company"
I just responded saying "I am confused. why do you want me in your life? What are you going to do to show me? "
He has not responded yet but I am laughing inside. Laughing at this game that he is trying to hook me back in now that he realises what he has lost. He is the one that screwed up and treated me so badly that I had to go NC and wasn't looking back. Honestly I think I am so better off without him but I thought I would ask him why? why am I suddenly worth it.... If he doesn't respond then I dont really care and I will return to NC.
As soon as he seems to want me then its all ok for him to be nice... but when I want something he is the coldest nastiest person ever.
So I'm up to day 6 of NC and I'm doing really well... when I get a message from the exABF last night "I miss you so much.... I'm so sorry for everything. hope your ok"
So I dont respond. Why should I. He treated me like dirt up until a week ago when I decided no more and I am so focused in moving forward.
So then today I get another message "Do you want me to be out of your life forever? If yes I understand and will stop messaging you"
This from the person last week that told me that I had nothing to bring to the table, that he doesn't think he was ever in love with me, that he isn't excited to see me, told me to move on and then threatened to sue me for half my house when I asked him to get the rest of his things out my house.
So I spoke to my mum and decided to message him back with... "I'm surprised that you would say that. You made your feelings for me very clear last week"
He then responds "Look im very confused and I dont want to hurt you anymore. As I'm progressing this week I really miss your company"
I just responded saying "I am confused. why do you want me in your life? What are you going to do to show me? "
He has not responded yet but I am laughing inside. Laughing at this game that he is trying to hook me back in now that he realises what he has lost. He is the one that screwed up and treated me so badly that I had to go NC and wasn't looking back. Honestly I think I am so better off without him but I thought I would ask him why? why am I suddenly worth it.... If he doesn't respond then I dont really care and I will return to NC.
As soon as he seems to want me then its all ok for him to be nice... but when I want something he is the coldest nastiest person ever.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Mine tried different hooks; sex, my cat that still lives there because she prefers outside in the wild,$, they are lonely in their misery. I fell for it until I didn't. It is a process. Forget his words.....quack,quack.....watch his actions. Will he go to meetings, treatment,anger management,get a sponser, give up unhealthy friends and playgrounds??? Focus on you. Work the program you wish he would work. Have you read the Melody Beattie books? I by the grace of God got to the point I would say to myself why answer him and put myself through that anymore? It would mess me up when I knew who he really was in my gut......nice now back to being a jerk in a day or two.....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The real kicker is when they tell you, "You are the ONLY one for me and I didn't realize that until now" or "I did not know what I had until I lost you" or "You are my soul mate and we are meant to be together; it's our fate."
Funny thing is, I used to believe them because I used to believe in all these things myself, i.e. there is "The One" out there, I just need to find him. Or, there is such a thing as soul mates. It's all a crock. I have had so many "The One"s and so many soul mates it's ridiculous. But I honestly believed, when I was in those relationships, that they were the one!!! Wasn't till after I turned 40 that I realized I believed this about EIGHT different men. HAHAHAHAHAHA! :rotfxko
Funny thing is, I used to believe them because I used to believe in all these things myself, i.e. there is "The One" out there, I just need to find him. Or, there is such a thing as soul mates. It's all a crock. I have had so many "The One"s and so many soul mates it's ridiculous. But I honestly believed, when I was in those relationships, that they were the one!!! Wasn't till after I turned 40 that I realized I believed this about EIGHT different men. HAHAHAHAHAHA! :rotfxko
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Oh he needs something and that is why "suddenly" you are worth it! once he sees no use in you anymore he will throw you away again as a napkin. That is what they do- don't answer anymore... its just asking for more pain...what you are looking for isn't there. Going NC with toxic people always makes me feel empowered!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
It sounds like he wants to keep you hooked in case his new life doesn't work out so well. He's not saying that he's committed to you. He's going to throw enough crumbs to keep you engaged until he figures out if he can find a better situation.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
He has not responded yet but I am laughing inside. Laughing at this game that he is trying to hook me back in now that he realises what he has lost. He is the one that screwed up and treated me so badly that I had to go NC and wasn't looking back. Honestly I think I am so better off without him but I thought I would ask him why? why am I suddenly worth it.... If he doesn't respond then I dont really care and I will return to NC.
He did hook you back in. You responded. You asked him questions. You are waiting to see if he responds back. You are playing the game. Yes, he did hook you back in.
It's up to you whether or not you continue this dance.
He did hook you back in. You responded. You asked him questions. You are waiting to see if he responds back. You are playing the game. Yes, he did hook you back in.
It's up to you whether or not you continue this dance.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you're sort of missing the point of "no contact".
The idea is that you don't read his texts/answer his calls/respond to his emails. Nor do you send your own.
As long as you allow him to contact you, you are allowing him to disrupt your day, your serenity. As long as you respond to his contacts, you are advertising that you are willing to listen to more BS.
The idea is that you don't read his texts/answer his calls/respond to his emails. Nor do you send your own.
As long as you allow him to contact you, you are allowing him to disrupt your day, your serenity. As long as you respond to his contacts, you are advertising that you are willing to listen to more BS.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
You received the invite. You considered it. DO NOT GO TO THE DANCE.
No means no - you would be signing up for the exact same pain you just went through. Do not reply anymore unless you want to go back there. Nothing changes in 6 days.
No means no - you would be signing up for the exact same pain you just went through. Do not reply anymore unless you want to go back there. Nothing changes in 6 days.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
You might as well be realistic about where you are in the NC spectrum, Katie. From what I can tell since I started reading at this site, we each have similar stories, but the particulars of our situations and of our personalities are, obviously, different. Most people, probably, want closure that satisfies their conscience and compassion. How long one remains hostage to that hope -- or irresistibly tempted to read text messages -- looking for evidence of change we can believe in -- just varies. I hope your instinct for self-preservation kicks in sooner rather than later. It can be a long, painful road.
Isn't it a horrible feeling to know you're being used by someone you love? I'm sorry it's happened to you. Hugs from another Katie.
Isn't it a horrible feeling to know you're being used by someone you love? I'm sorry it's happened to you. Hugs from another Katie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Hugs Katie.. You deserve more than this. He will keep going on the roller coaster and it is up to you to get off.
From my own personal experience, I went through a few false starts with NC. Then I realized every time I broke it in ANY fashion I had to emotionally start over. Plus there came a point when I realized he would never provide any logical closure. He was and is an A. Someone once told me that an A only lies when his lips are moving. In my case this proved to be true..
So no matter what now..I zip the lip. I never respond. This was so tough to do. I wont lie. It was extremely painful to cut him out of my life overnight but that was the only way I got healthier and eventually I started thinking straight again. One of my first healthy thoughts was..I didnt deserve this pain and I wont take it anymore.
Sending you support!! You can do this!!
Hugs
Lulu
From my own personal experience, I went through a few false starts with NC. Then I realized every time I broke it in ANY fashion I had to emotionally start over. Plus there came a point when I realized he would never provide any logical closure. He was and is an A. Someone once told me that an A only lies when his lips are moving. In my case this proved to be true..
So no matter what now..I zip the lip. I never respond. This was so tough to do. I wont lie. It was extremely painful to cut him out of my life overnight but that was the only way I got healthier and eventually I started thinking straight again. One of my first healthy thoughts was..I didnt deserve this pain and I wont take it anymore.
Sending you support!! You can do this!!
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Daybreak's- "Hostage to the hope....." now in my 20/20 vision thats what it was for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!....until I got to acceptance.....and didn't want to put myself through that ca ca anymore......Now I am "hostage " no more......yep......that was "right on"......for me "hostage to the hope"......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 42
lulu1974, I really understand where your coming from. I guess in a way I have been hooked back in and have do have to emotionally start all over again.
Someone telling you that they miss you in a way makes you feel good about yourself, but at the same time it starts those thoughts in your head that maybe he has gotten his s*#t together and you start to get a little hope in your heart.
It doesn't change or excuse the fact that he was completely horrible to me and I have to keep reminding myself that someone who treated me that way really does not care about me and all the words in the world dont make up for what he said to me. Only actions do..... and so far I have seen nothing.
Someone telling you that they miss you in a way makes you feel good about yourself, but at the same time it starts those thoughts in your head that maybe he has gotten his s*#t together and you start to get a little hope in your heart.
It doesn't change or excuse the fact that he was completely horrible to me and I have to keep reminding myself that someone who treated me that way really does not care about me and all the words in the world dont make up for what he said to me. Only actions do..... and so far I have seen nothing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Another "hook" my XAH had was guilt.....especially at first, trying to make me feel guilty. The hooks were my cat who lived in his old neighborhood, she was half wild, (the cat is missing/dead). I would call the neighbor who said the cat was fine. Then there was sex that worked for a couple of times until I woke up. NC is really best and I have now moved 25 miles away and that is suuper. Out of sight, out of mind....mainly. No texts, no email, and no more phonecalls.......QUIET...... Serene....... No drama or chaos..........nice.
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