Heard from XMIL tonight
Awakening
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Heard from XMIL tonight
Of all the crazy things that go along with alcoholism, I have to say, that denial strikes me as the most bazaar.
Tonight she did talk to LMC, but wanted to talk to me afterward. She said LMC sounded weird to her on the phone. It may have been a disappointment LMC had at school today or it may have been something from last week, IDK.
She told me axw was put back in the hospital, after her holiday weekend stay, for a total of 10-12 days. Said they couldn't figure what was wrong with her, but ruled out cancer.
Said it wasn't her liver. Said she didn't know why she was sharing this with me. Said axw had been in a "bad way". Said she'd rallied after some of her friends had had a prayer vigil for her. Said she couldn't figure why LMC had told me her mom was still drinking?
You know, I just didn't have a come back for all this, I guess I may have learned something from last weeks conversation. Told her I was sorry for sharing that information with her, and that was it. Didn't try to convince her of anything.
LMC heard my end of the conversation, and asked me strait up about what her gmaw had said. So I explained all about denial. She's smart enough to realize that her gmaw believes her mom's lies and not her truth.
I do hate me some alcoholism. It's hard on living things.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Tonight she did talk to LMC, but wanted to talk to me afterward. She said LMC sounded weird to her on the phone. It may have been a disappointment LMC had at school today or it may have been something from last week, IDK.
She told me axw was put back in the hospital, after her holiday weekend stay, for a total of 10-12 days. Said they couldn't figure what was wrong with her, but ruled out cancer.
Said it wasn't her liver. Said she didn't know why she was sharing this with me. Said axw had been in a "bad way". Said she'd rallied after some of her friends had had a prayer vigil for her. Said she couldn't figure why LMC had told me her mom was still drinking?
You know, I just didn't have a come back for all this, I guess I may have learned something from last weeks conversation. Told her I was sorry for sharing that information with her, and that was it. Didn't try to convince her of anything.
LMC heard my end of the conversation, and asked me strait up about what her gmaw had said. So I explained all about denial. She's smart enough to realize that her gmaw believes her mom's lies and not her truth.
I do hate me some alcoholism. It's hard on living things.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Coyote)))) - denial is so, very, strong sometimes. I'm glad that LMC is so smart, has an awesome daddy that gives her such strong support and helps her to realize what's going on, as much as she can at her age (though I think she has the mind of a 20-year-old
).
It sounds like XMIL may never "get it" and I'm sure a lot of that is HER issues, some of which you may never know. I'd venture to say, LMC may have sounded "off" to her because something was said or LMC knows her g'maw doesn't believe her about her mom drinking.
You handled it, splendidly, as always (((LMC))) is truly blessed to have such a wise, loving, and compassionate daddy!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
).It sounds like XMIL may never "get it" and I'm sure a lot of that is HER issues, some of which you may never know. I'd venture to say, LMC may have sounded "off" to her because something was said or LMC knows her g'maw doesn't believe her about her mom drinking.
You handled it, splendidly, as always
(((LMC))) is truly blessed to have such a wise, loving, and compassionate daddy!Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Location: Wild West, USA
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Ain't that the truth. My then husband, when questioned by his father-- who is an ACOA and has spent some time in alanon-- about why I had thrown him out, told his dad that "BuffaloGal thinks I have a drinking problem."
Now, my aexh applied the term alcoholic to himself before it ever crossed my mind, early in our dating relationship.
And his dad-- an otherwise empathetic and intelligent man, a college professor and textbook author, said, No, you don't have a drinking problem, it must be something else. Un-be-effing-lievable.
That was when I really began to understand the concept of alcoholism being a family disease.
Hugs. It's crazy making stuff; you're a wise man to turn away.
Now, my aexh applied the term alcoholic to himself before it ever crossed my mind, early in our dating relationship.
And his dad-- an otherwise empathetic and intelligent man, a college professor and textbook author, said, No, you don't have a drinking problem, it must be something else. Un-be-effing-lievable.
That was when I really began to understand the concept of alcoholism being a family disease.
Hugs. It's crazy making stuff; you're a wise man to turn away.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Sometimes, I think, people know the truth but don't want to admit it outloud, to others. Still a form of denial, but for XMIL it may be based on shame or other feelings of inadequacy as a mother. You know..."someone might think less of me or my daughter if we were to admit the crazy messed up truth." My guess is that XMIL does know the truth, in her heart and gut.
You obviously aren't in denial and she must see that on some level. Maybe some day, in her own time, she'll decide to face the truth and look at you as a source of wisdom and understanding. For her granddaughter's sake, I hope she does.
You obviously aren't in denial and she must see that on some level. Maybe some day, in her own time, she'll decide to face the truth and look at you as a source of wisdom and understanding. For her granddaughter's sake, I hope she does.
Awakening
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome 
Sometimes, I think, people know the truth but don't want to admit it outloud, to others. Still a form of denial, but for XMIL it may be based on shame or other feelings of inadequacy as a mother. You know..."someone might think less of me or my daughter if we were to admit the crazy messed up truth." My guess is that XMIL does know the truth, in her heart and gut.
You obviously aren't in denial and she must see that on some level. Maybe some day, in her own time, she'll decide to face the truth and look at you as a source of wisdom and understanding. For her granddaughter's sake, I hope she does.
You obviously aren't in denial and she must see that on some level. Maybe some day, in her own time, she'll decide to face the truth and look at you as a source of wisdom and understanding. For her granddaughter's sake, I hope she does.
I guess I kind of get it, who in their right mind could understand how someone whose health had been severely impacted would continue to pour poision in their body. It's illogical, the only explanation is the kid must be lying.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
The medical staff must know what is going on -- they must have explained it to XMIL -- unless they're incredibly inept, but I would doubt it. Sad that an adult can tag a little girl with that kind of label. 
Hugs to Little Miss!
Hugs to Little Miss!
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Addiction is a crazy thing.... mix it up with some good strong denial and it's a recipe for some difficult family dynamics.
My mom died a few years ago from COPD - that awful disease a person gets when she smokes for 60+ years. She staunchly refused to believe that her smoking was the reason she had to be on oxygen, or that her lungs were really impacted by the smoking. I was truly amazed at how expertly she developed her "selective listening skills." She'd go out of her way to find the studies that questioned the link between smoking and nicotine and lung cancer. She reminded us of doctors who used to smoke "back in the good old days".
Smoking was the cause of her death. She figured it out 5 days before she died. I will never forget the look on her face when she came to the realization. Thank god for recovery, because I was able to love her through it and not want to shout SEE I told you so!
Addiction, denial, blame, victimhood, martyrdom - they are all a part of this nasty disease.
My mom died a few years ago from COPD - that awful disease a person gets when she smokes for 60+ years. She staunchly refused to believe that her smoking was the reason she had to be on oxygen, or that her lungs were really impacted by the smoking. I was truly amazed at how expertly she developed her "selective listening skills." She'd go out of her way to find the studies that questioned the link between smoking and nicotine and lung cancer. She reminded us of doctors who used to smoke "back in the good old days".
Smoking was the cause of her death. She figured it out 5 days before she died. I will never forget the look on her face when she came to the realization. Thank god for recovery, because I was able to love her through it and not want to shout SEE I told you so!
Addiction, denial, blame, victimhood, martyrdom - they are all a part of this nasty disease.
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Thanks for sharing Cats. Your post made me have a lightbulb moment - my grand father also died from smoking - he still tried to smoke the last day of his life. He was also an addict. I had never thought about him this way. But he was.
An XABF also stated he planned on drinking until his very last day on Earth.
Some addicts don't say it out loud -but they have the same intention -they are already doing it.
Nothing at all we can do about it. And no awareness of how their addiction affected others-the old excuse "I am only hurting myself" - even if its OBVIOUS others are affected, deeply affected. Nothing else to do but let go.
An XABF also stated he planned on drinking until his very last day on Earth.
Some addicts don't say it out loud -but they have the same intention -they are already doing it.
Nothing at all we can do about it. And no awareness of how their addiction affected others-the old excuse "I am only hurting myself" - even if its OBVIOUS others are affected, deeply affected. Nothing else to do but let go.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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I don't know for certain but I expect that if you have never been truly addicted to something, you cannot know how it feels. For me, it is a compulsion beyond my control. If I smoke ONE cigarette, I have to smoke a pack. If i drink even one sip of a beer, it is as if a black hole opens up somewhere in my body that just HAS to be filled. Active alcoholism $crews up my life. That is why I have to be so vigilant in not putting myself in the position where I would take that first drink. Everytime I drink, I suffer the effects of doing so for YEARS. And cigarettes are going to kill me.
Thank you for sharing everybody.
Thank you for sharing everybody.
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Hi coyote, I think you handled this very well.
I feel sorry for your XMIL. She is just someone who is not in recovery while dealing with a loved one who is an A. I think we all remember that lonely, dark, scary place where nothing makes sense. I watched my RAH drive himself to do point of nearly dieing, and working on my own recovery is the only thing that saved my sanity. Only when I faced his death, all those things I was hearing and dismissing for years started to make sense, and I slipped out of denial.
But in all honesty if he was my child, and not my husband, I don't know if I'd have been able to do it. As doing it means choosing your own recovery, putting yourself and your own well being first, letting go, accepting the unaccpetable, building your strength, standing up and moving on. That is as hard as hell. Denial is much more easier, it is painful, but comfortable, familiar, and above all while stuck in it, you're not asking anything of yourself, it gives you the right not to act.
It is sad, but I think what goes for A goes the same for his loved ones, no one can help them until they decide to help themselves. We all do only as much as we can. We are all build from difirent materials.
It reminds me again that when dealing with alcoholism there are no happy endings, only choices we can make that will bring us less pain. And in all honesty I don't even know if that is possible if A in your life is your own child.
Take care
I feel sorry for your XMIL. She is just someone who is not in recovery while dealing with a loved one who is an A. I think we all remember that lonely, dark, scary place where nothing makes sense. I watched my RAH drive himself to do point of nearly dieing, and working on my own recovery is the only thing that saved my sanity. Only when I faced his death, all those things I was hearing and dismissing for years started to make sense, and I slipped out of denial.
But in all honesty if he was my child, and not my husband, I don't know if I'd have been able to do it. As doing it means choosing your own recovery, putting yourself and your own well being first, letting go, accepting the unaccpetable, building your strength, standing up and moving on. That is as hard as hell. Denial is much more easier, it is painful, but comfortable, familiar, and above all while stuck in it, you're not asking anything of yourself, it gives you the right not to act.
It is sad, but I think what goes for A goes the same for his loved ones, no one can help them until they decide to help themselves. We all do only as much as we can. We are all build from difirent materials.
It reminds me again that when dealing with alcoholism there are no happy endings, only choices we can make that will bring us less pain. And in all honesty I don't even know if that is possible if A in your life is your own child.
Take care
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Location: UK
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It is incredibly sad for LMC that she has to deal with this, she is incredibly lucky to have you though, someone who can help her understand that other's perceptions of the truth do not make our truth any less valid, that even those who love us can have their own blind spots and will sometimes place blame inappropriately rather than risk blowing apart their world view, and that is their problem not ours.
I was taught the opposite, that if others (practically anybody) thought/felt differently to me then my thoughts and feelings were wrong. I hate that she has to learn this lesson about her grandma, but love that she has you to support her.
I was taught the opposite, that if others (practically anybody) thought/felt differently to me then my thoughts and feelings were wrong. I hate that she has to learn this lesson about her grandma, but love that she has you to support her.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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It's weird how everyone's reality is their own. Shaped by their own thoughts and what they actually will allow in. It is nice to know people who share my reality, who validate me. My (sober) reality has never matched up with, or been validated by, an active alcoholic or addict. We are just worlds apart.
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