Monday @ 2:30-no more Wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Monday @ 2:30-no more Wife
I will be a free woman. Yes, I will still have to deal with then XAH because of the kids but I am looking forward to Monday. I wanted to take back my own name. It is very symbolic for me in many ways. I never wanted his name-he nagged me into it and I caved, just like I caved when I married him. Just like I did our entire marriage. Besides, he already has one ex-wife who kept his name-he doesn't need two.
Also, I liked who I was when I was that name and did not like what I had become with his name.
Many people have disagreed with me since the kids have his name. In this day and age-I don't think it matters. When older DS asked me why I was changing my name back I told him because I was not going to be his Dad's wife anymore so I would not be Mrs. blah blah blah. I was still going to be Bumpa's (their grandpa, my Dad) daughter so I would have his last name. Just like he is still his Dad's son so he will keep his Dad's last name.
So if at 2:30 or shortly thereafter CST you hear cheering. That will be me.
Also, I liked who I was when I was that name and did not like what I had become with his name.
Many people have disagreed with me since the kids have his name. In this day and age-I don't think it matters. When older DS asked me why I was changing my name back I told him because I was not going to be his Dad's wife anymore so I would not be Mrs. blah blah blah. I was still going to be Bumpa's (their grandpa, my Dad) daughter so I would have his last name. Just like he is still his Dad's son so he will keep his Dad's last name.
So if at 2:30 or shortly thereafter CST you hear cheering. That will be me.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
This calls for a nickname change. Do you have any ideas about your new name?
It takes courage to change - I will be thinking about you on Monday.
I foresee more peaceful days ahead. Congratulations!!
It takes courage to change - I will be thinking about you on Monday.
I foresee more peaceful days ahead. Congratulations!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Why your post has caused the song, "This train is bound for Glory" by The Seekers, to go on and on in my head, I do not know......but Lordy, I sure hope you have a glorious time ahead of you.
I went back to my maiden name, and that was within a few weeks of my leaving late XAH, firstly because he kept redirecting my mail to my new flat....crossing out married name and inserting my maiden name. Mum said "go change the damned thing", so I did.
Then he tried to belly ache about my doing so....but no-one listened.
I kept Mrs as my title....as figured I earned and then some, plus Ms always reminded my of the shortened name for a dusty old manuscript, hence Mrs Jadmack.
Happy freedom as of Monday.
God bless
I went back to my maiden name, and that was within a few weeks of my leaving late XAH, firstly because he kept redirecting my mail to my new flat....crossing out married name and inserting my maiden name. Mum said "go change the damned thing", so I did.
Then he tried to belly ache about my doing so....but no-one listened.
I kept Mrs as my title....as figured I earned and then some, plus Ms always reminded my of the shortened name for a dusty old manuscript, hence Mrs Jadmack.
Happy freedom as of Monday.
God bless
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Heh, when I married #2 (the one who went back to drinking, and with whom I lived a mere seven months after we got married) I took his name. I had to legally change it with the bar association, change all my licenses, social security, you name it. When we got divorced, I had three options. Go back to my previous married name (my first husband had remarried and his new wife had taken his name), change to my maiden name (a third name that no one in my professional world had ever known, and it would be the second name-change in a year), or just keep using the second husband's name (which people were just getting used to, and it sounded better with my first name than either of the others). I opted for the path of least resistance and just kept the second husband's name (which ticked him off to no end).
Maybe when I retire I'll go back to my maiden name, who knows. It isn't all that important to me.
Congrats on your freedom, and reclaiming the name you want for yourself!
Maybe when I retire I'll go back to my maiden name, who knows. It isn't all that important to me.
Congrats on your freedom, and reclaiming the name you want for yourself!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
I can relate to so much of your post... goaded into a bad marriage also. Been using my prior name (albeit illegally) for 5 months now. I can't wait until I can say the same.... cuz I been me for awhile now again. I can't wait to make it a legal thing... soon very soon. I shouldn't have any trouble finding him... he's in jail for beating up his baby's mamma X 5. Glad I won't have to deal with him... they are his kids... though I miss them terribly and they are not in good hands. Its out of my control now.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Bolina-not sure what my "title" will be. I am sure people will just call me Mrs. blah blah blah for awhile because they will assume it is my name-won't correct them-too hard on the kids and I don't owe anyone an explanation. I just figure when I introduce myself I'll use my real name and eventually they will get it.
TC-definitely need a nickname change--will have to ponder that over the weekend.
Jadmack-thanks for the song--I'll be hearing that when I am sitting in court and he so smugly nabs my retirement and gets his child support lowered. I am letting go and letting God with that one. Hearing that in my mind will remind me to keep doing that! I let him suck me into his madness the last couple weeks. My boundaries are back up--and he knows it because although I have been more than nice to him (turn the other cheek) he has not stepped one foot onto my property-sure his atty. told him the MSA forbid it. He also knows that call to the police did him no good. They caught on to what he was pulling-I think.
Lexie-my sister sort of had the same predicament as you. Our maiden name was sort of a brand for her-everyone in her line of busienss knew the name as it is a bit unusual. She wanted to keep her ex's name for the benefit of her kids so she called herself First name Maiden Name Married Name. Her ex was not the grub worm mine is. He truly knew he had thrown away the best thing he ever had in his life and he also takes very good care of the kids financially. It made a difference because when she stepped back into the work force after staying home 12 years to take care of the kids there was instant name recognition. And, her married door opened a few doors because, as one potential employer told her--he could see she was "part of the family" (her ex is Italian). So it worked to her benefit. There is no hyphenation. Her name is all 3 names-that's how she signs it and that is how it appears everywhere.
It will be a pain to change it back-but I already have a list and the order in which it needs to be done. So I will just work down the line. I will just see each stop as another step to reclaiming the real me. The facilities manager of the building where I work knows exactly what I am going through and told me my new name plate would be outside my office on Tuesday morning and my new ID card would be sitting on my keyboard
Desert-I am sorry about the kids. It is out of your hands to some degree-but if you ever find out he is hurting the kids a call to social services may straigten that out. I am not completely sure using your previous name is illegal unless it is on legal documents. I know when I left first AH--I started using my maiden name within a month. I changed my business cards and that is what people called me at work. My checks still came with his name and all other legal docs did--but by the time I could make it all legal-everyone knew me by my real name. You are simply reclaiming who you are.
The funny thing is--all the people who knew me before I was married never used my new married name. The still addressed all mail to me using my maiden name. Also, in the legal field I was known simply by my last name (kinda like Cher-but different since I am not famous). I knew I was never his last name and they seemed to sense it and never called me that. I already changed it on my Facebook page too.
It feels good and I have to say-it makes my Dad smile. It also makes him smile that the kids have my maiden name as part of their middle name.
Now, new nickname. Hmmm?
TC-definitely need a nickname change--will have to ponder that over the weekend.
Jadmack-thanks for the song--I'll be hearing that when I am sitting in court and he so smugly nabs my retirement and gets his child support lowered. I am letting go and letting God with that one. Hearing that in my mind will remind me to keep doing that! I let him suck me into his madness the last couple weeks. My boundaries are back up--and he knows it because although I have been more than nice to him (turn the other cheek) he has not stepped one foot onto my property-sure his atty. told him the MSA forbid it. He also knows that call to the police did him no good. They caught on to what he was pulling-I think.
Lexie-my sister sort of had the same predicament as you. Our maiden name was sort of a brand for her-everyone in her line of busienss knew the name as it is a bit unusual. She wanted to keep her ex's name for the benefit of her kids so she called herself First name Maiden Name Married Name. Her ex was not the grub worm mine is. He truly knew he had thrown away the best thing he ever had in his life and he also takes very good care of the kids financially. It made a difference because when she stepped back into the work force after staying home 12 years to take care of the kids there was instant name recognition. And, her married door opened a few doors because, as one potential employer told her--he could see she was "part of the family" (her ex is Italian). So it worked to her benefit. There is no hyphenation. Her name is all 3 names-that's how she signs it and that is how it appears everywhere.
It will be a pain to change it back-but I already have a list and the order in which it needs to be done. So I will just work down the line. I will just see each stop as another step to reclaiming the real me. The facilities manager of the building where I work knows exactly what I am going through and told me my new name plate would be outside my office on Tuesday morning and my new ID card would be sitting on my keyboard
Desert-I am sorry about the kids. It is out of your hands to some degree-but if you ever find out he is hurting the kids a call to social services may straigten that out. I am not completely sure using your previous name is illegal unless it is on legal documents. I know when I left first AH--I started using my maiden name within a month. I changed my business cards and that is what people called me at work. My checks still came with his name and all other legal docs did--but by the time I could make it all legal-everyone knew me by my real name. You are simply reclaiming who you are.
The funny thing is--all the people who knew me before I was married never used my new married name. The still addressed all mail to me using my maiden name. Also, in the legal field I was known simply by my last name (kinda like Cher-but different
since I am not famous). I knew I was never his last name and they seemed to sense it and never called me that. I already changed it on my Facebook page too.It feels good and I have to say-it makes my Dad smile. It also makes him smile that the kids have my maiden name as part of their middle name.
Now, new nickname. Hmmm?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
I took my old name back this week by deedpoll. Anyone in the UK can do this at any time. Its quick and it is easy. Unfortunately I do not know how it operates in other countries but all UK citizens do have that right and you don't need to get a divorce.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
Thanks 2kids,
Yah, I knew it wasn't like an offense or anything... I do still sign checks etc with the horrid name of the exhole. As for the kids, he can't hurt them - he's in jail. Its their (and I use the term in biological terms only) mother who I'm concerned that they are with now. She is a piece of work... suicide attempts quarterly (but that could have something to do with being with him - never happened when they were apart), and seemingly a lack of parental nature completely.
I'm glad you are getting on with your life, and I know you are so excited to have that new name plate.... Bet your driver's license picture will be one of the best you've ever taken!! I will be thrilled to smile for that camera when its my turn!!
Yah, I knew it wasn't like an offense or anything... I do still sign checks etc with the horrid name of the exhole. As for the kids, he can't hurt them - he's in jail. Its their (and I use the term in biological terms only) mother who I'm concerned that they are with now. She is a piece of work... suicide attempts quarterly (but that could have something to do with being with him - never happened when they were apart), and seemingly a lack of parental nature completely.
I'm glad you are getting on with your life, and I know you are so excited to have that new name plate.... Bet your driver's license picture will be one of the best you've ever taken!! I will be thrilled to smile for that camera when its my turn!!
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
I got married back in the 80's when people were starting to hyphenate. I am still married but wish I had just kept my name. My divorced sister changed her name back to maiden name when she decided that she didn't want "his" name on her tombstone!
Yeah on changing!
Yeah on changing!
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I didn't chang my name when I got married, never saw the point, I LIKE my name, didn't want to double barrel as it just seemed an enourmous mouthful of a name. So thankfully I don't have that problem to think about, but our kids have his last name, orignally, because we just could not agree on this, we came down to boys can have his name, girls; mine. our first is a boy, the second a girl, but I gave in on her having my name, for DS, to cement that connection, I actually wish I had given them my name as a middle name but it's no biggie.
anyway, the point of that is I have never shared a surname with my children; very few people raise an eyebrow, sometimes they call me Mrs stbx-name, doesn't bother me, I just point out my name is Y and that is all fine. My kids aren't confused, the schools and doctors get it, it's a complete non-issue in our lives.
I find it weird that anyone has a point of view about what surname someone else decides to use.
anyway, the point of that is I have never shared a surname with my children; very few people raise an eyebrow, sometimes they call me Mrs stbx-name, doesn't bother me, I just point out my name is Y and that is all fine. My kids aren't confused, the schools and doctors get it, it's a complete non-issue in our lives.
I find it weird that anyone has a point of view about what surname someone else decides to use.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I found out that I could just use my maiden name as it was as much mine as my married one.
I never changed it by deed poll or any legal way, just let everyone know that JAL was to be known as JAD, and had name changed on drivers licence, and all other documents including credit cards and utility services.
All I needed was my birth certificate and marriage certificate to prove (1) that I was registered as JAD as a baby, and (2) I became JAL on marriage, and was now going back to original name.
Very freeing and you don't have the constant reminder of HIS name, attached any more.
Wishing you all the best for today, and hoping all his worst nightmares come true for him.....if he tries anything nasty and sneaky.
God bless
I never changed it by deed poll or any legal way, just let everyone know that JAL was to be known as JAD, and had name changed on drivers licence, and all other documents including credit cards and utility services.
All I needed was my birth certificate and marriage certificate to prove (1) that I was registered as JAD as a baby, and (2) I became JAL on marriage, and was now going back to original name.
Very freeing and you don't have the constant reminder of HIS name, attached any more.
Wishing you all the best for today, and hoping all his worst nightmares come true for him.....if he tries anything nasty and sneaky.
God bless
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
This is a huge, life changing step for you. Maybe it's also time to take back your name on this forum, too. Wife2Kids. You are much more than a wife and mother, just as I am much more than a former doormat.
I often reflect back on the name I chose for myself when I joined this forum. A doormat was a role I played in life, it was never a description of who I am because I never included me in the equation. It was as if I didn't exist.
I often reflect back on the name I chose for myself when I joined this forum. A doormat was a role I played in life, it was never a description of who I am because I never included me in the equation. It was as if I didn't exist.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
HP spoke to me in volumes yesterday and I am sure to prepare me for today. The messages at church was based on Psalm 73 and it was about envy (all the anger and garbage I carried with me for a few days last week). I was a changed person when I left. I thought-let him take what he will take and only give what he will give. I still have part of my pension. I have a job rightnow. Some people have no home, no job and no pension. I am healthy. I am not an alcoholic or addict. That is something he will have to live with and deal with and I felt sad for him (not in a co-dependent way) that he is the way he is and will be until he wakes up. I felt totally free when I left.
Very stbxah called last night to talk to the kids and asked me some questions about some things older DS was doing in school. I told him about his big project this year and how we have turned it into something fun. As I started to describe it to him and he responded I could tell he was very drunk-slurring his words, that laugh that only he has when he is drunk. He then turned instantly from laughter to sobbing-also the way he could do when he is drunk. He was full of pity. I think he realized in that moment what he has tossed away. He hung up as soon as he started to cry. More than likely he went back to the bottle. More than likely when he shows up for court today he will have cleaned himself up and look nice and spiffy in one of his designer suits he wears to church.
I realized after I got dressed this morning that I had put on a tee shirt with my skirt that was perfect for today. Did not even do it intentionally-but seems to fit the day. And I just discovered the place I got it still has it (may have to buy another since mine is getting a bit worn). Wildwood Productions Screen Print and Design company based in Madison Wisconsin
I had lost my sight for awhile--but I am still left standing and the shadows of my life are now stading where they belong-on the sidelines
Very stbxah called last night to talk to the kids and asked me some questions about some things older DS was doing in school. I told him about his big project this year and how we have turned it into something fun. As I started to describe it to him and he responded I could tell he was very drunk-slurring his words, that laugh that only he has when he is drunk. He then turned instantly from laughter to sobbing-also the way he could do when he is drunk. He was full of pity. I think he realized in that moment what he has tossed away. He hung up as soon as he started to cry. More than likely he went back to the bottle. More than likely when he shows up for court today he will have cleaned himself up and look nice and spiffy in one of his designer suits he wears to church.
I realized after I got dressed this morning that I had put on a tee shirt with my skirt that was perfect for today. Did not even do it intentionally-but seems to fit the day. And I just discovered the place I got it still has it (may have to buy another since mine is getting a bit worn). Wildwood Productions Screen Print and Design company based in Madison Wisconsin
I had lost my sight for awhile--but I am still left standing and the shadows of my life are now stading where they belong-on the sidelines
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I love the t shirt. I love the attitude. Way to go!! your post made me feel good today. Thanks.
PS the designer clothing is so common, too. Its like they want to prove something - XABF also wore nice stuff, took baths, lotion whenever he felt more guilty, probably trying to convince himself he CAN look good, so he MUST be ok! mind games its all it is... funny how they behave similarly, perhaps they receive a newsletter or something.
PS the designer clothing is so common, too. Its like they want to prove something - XABF also wore nice stuff, took baths, lotion whenever he felt more guilty, probably trying to convince himself he CAN look good, so he MUST be ok! mind games its all it is... funny how they behave similarly, perhaps they receive a newsletter or something.
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