Please welcome duke9743

Old 08-20-2010, 07:36 AM
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Please welcome duke9743

I hope this forum helps me. Right now, I'm in the worst state of my life. My wife is an alcoholic but refuses to admit it. I love her more than anything in this entire world, but many things that others have said about their wives and how they act is so close to exact to how my wife acts, it just leaves me feeling like there's no hope. When I first met her, Which was on Eharmony, she said she drank about once a year as did I. The only difference is that I told the truth and she didn't. I believe that in her heart of hearts that she knew how she was, and if she admitted how much she drank then someone might know she had a problem. I don't drink, have never cared for the taste of alcohol. When we first started dating, she would ask if she could have a Jack and Coke, I said, sure, even though I don't like to drink, I don't mind if others do. For a while she was able to have one or two when we went out, but one night when we went to the bowling ally, she drank a pitcher of beer by herself. She never ate and barely weighed a hundred pounds, so it hit her hard and fast. I spent the rest of the night noticing others look at her while she fell down every time she rolled her ball. I felt like I was talking to a child, she wasn't the girl I knew. And from that night it only got worse. Every night when she would come to my place, she would roll her baby eyes at me and ask if I could stop and pick her up two 64oz. buds. I was still thinking she had a limit problem, not a drinking one. So I bought her the beer and she would only be half way done with the first before I would notice the slight changes in her, and after the second one, she was gone. While she was living with me, I had to be at work at 4am and would have to sleep with one eye open just to make sure she didn't hurt herself in her drunken stuper. It wasn't long until I took her to the beach for the weekend, which while she was sober, we had a great time, but on our only full day down there, I fell asleep on the beach only to realize that she had already had eight beers in less than an hour. At the time we had been working on a comprimise, so I let it go, yet I had to hold my breath as she proceeded to bring the cooler to the pool and walk crooked around the edge of the pool. I just knew she was going to fall and crack her head. She did slip and fall into a split, but she was so drunk she didn't even feel the pain. By the end of the afternoon, there were 14 empty beer cans in her cooler, and against my better judgement, I still tried to take her out that night, praying she would sober up. She ended up falling asleep in my car and I drove for over two hours with her that way praying when she woke up that she would be somewhat sober, but when she woke up and I saw that she was stll smashed, I took her back to the hotel. When she realized I was taking her out, She lost it. She screamed at got in my face. Jumped up and down on the bed in a rage. I had ordered a pizza since we couldn't go out, and I felt for the delivery guy, because she was screaming at him too. Once I had the pizza and wings, she jerked the box from my hand and began to smear the pizza all over the room, the walls and carpet. She tried to break a chair. I finally had to call the cops, (which the nieghbors and front office had already done.) She said I had betrayed her and sold her out by calling the cops and that she wanted to tell every woman how horrible I was. They didn't arrest her, but we were evicted and I had to drive her home at three in the morning. She was still mad in the morning, but she did apologize, but more days like that were ahead for us. It got to the point where I would have to wrap my arms and legs around her(never NEVER HIT HER!) and restrain her from wrecking my place and grabbing her keys and driving drunk. She had been doing good for awhile, enough to stupidly convince me to give up my job and move with her to an acting town where she swore day in and day out that she just knew it was her calling. (I know I was stupid, but I was in love.) Ihad already found a job before we moved, though she didn't help in the process one bit. The week before we moved she was drunk on wine(two bottles in eight hours while I was at work) everyday. One da after coming home from a long day at work, My heart sank when I came home to find her drunk and wanting to go to a local burger joint. I said no at first, but I knew if I refused, she would throw a fit, so I caved in, but said that I would mak her order. Just my luck, I ordered her food right, but the people made it wrong and she went back into the place three different times to get her burger fixed all while not being able to walk straight. She then proceeded to bitch and moan incoherently about how she should have ordered her own burger. Fearing a scene about to happen, and being just about to my breaking point, I put the car in drive and went. When I did she dropped her burger on the floor, and proceed to call me every name in the book until I cussed her out. She still wanted her burger that had been on my dirty floor mats and when we got back, I threw it out in the woods out of frustration and not wanting her to try and eat the nasty thing. That was a 10 round fight that night that ended with me calling her parents ( who she cussed out everyday) and us trying to get her into rehab. I told her the only way she could be with me is if she got help. She tried to give every alternative but rehab, "I'll stop" "I'll go to AA". She was downright begging me as if she were being sent to prison. I gave in for a moment when she said she would stop, but it was only a second before she said that she didn't want to. So I packed her stuff and took her home. The whole way she said she wouldn't stop until we were a mile from her parents house and then she gave in. She spent 8 days in rehab. I loved her and saw her every visitation, wrote her every day and unfortunatly, I let her baby eye me into taking her out of that place. She said all the right things. She said she never wanted another drink, she wished that they would make it illegal. But what she really meant as I realize now, was that if she couldn't have it, then nobody else should either. for awhile, she actually made a break through and saw all that drinking had cost her in her life. But now, after living in the acting town for two months, we're broke after I lost my job, she never once tried out for acting, never even looked it up. Now we'e living with her parents. I sold my vehicle after she said that we could use hers and I bought our wedding rings with the money I got. She hasn't had a drink since rehab, but she's in complete misery. She wants one so bad she sinks into foul moods. She says she can't live her life like this. She says she's not an alcoholic, she just wants to have a drink when she wants to. She says it's a control issue. So I told her that she could drink as long as she didn't get drunk and she said that she couldn't promise that and that I was putting a restriction on her by saying that. She has been so mean(and this is without drinking) for the last month, so cold. Her tongue is like a knife. She said that she resents me for putting her in rehab and that I took her life from her. Oh Really? Being drunk day in and day out with no sign of stopping in the future, if that was what I took from her, then God forgive me for giving a damn about her life and ours together. As you can see, I'm bitter, hurt, and numb at the same time. I had taken tongue lashings and far too many after thrirteen hour work days (I found another job back home) and I've had enough. I'm not leaving her, but I packed a bag and went to my parents house for a few days. When I got home, I checked her facebook with a bad feeling in my gut, and sure enough, she had added a friend back that she had messed around with before me, but one that I disliked very much. One that she had deleted upon my asking months ago. and the very day I take a breather, she added this person back and swore that that person had been emailing her wanting to know why they weren't friends anymore. It cut my guts out when she did that. She said she didn't want to be mean to them and thought if she added them, that the person would leave them alone. She had no regard for my feelings or hurt nor did she even come close to grasping how bad she had hurt me. We argued all day yesterday in front of her parents. What's sad is that her parents are on my side and even worse, she's two months pregnant with my child. She told me yesterday that she loved me and wanted to know what she could do to make things right. I told her that I stood by what I said, that she could drink as long as she didn't get drunk, but that was too much to ask. She immediatly closed the conversation. I'm not trying to spill my life story, but I'm in bad pain here. I've never been hurt this bad in my life. She's so cold and almost uncaring that my heart is breaking right in front of her. She hasn't drank in two months, but the urge is getting stronger by the day. After I left last night, her mother called me and said she had sped off. I only pray, for the sake of my child, that she didn't go drink. I don't know what to do. I love her so much in spite of everything, but she is so much like other wives I have read on here and there seems to be no future. How do I leave someone that I am head over heals about? What am I supposed to do? I can't love enough for the both of us. Why can't she see how much I care and how much I love her? Why doesn't she open her eyes and see that we're great together when she's clean. I would be throwing away the closest thing to a soulmate that I've ever known. How can she love me and hurt me so bad and not care? WHat is wrong with her? Do I need patience? Should I wait on her? What can save my marriage? Is this hopeless? Am I doomed to lose the love of my life? I just don't know. I just don't know.
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:47 AM
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Duke, sorry you are dealing with this. It might be more helpful for you to start a new thread in this forum so people can devote their responses to your issue rather than a mix of responses to yours and the original posters. Also, breaking your post up into paragraphs is a great help as it makes it much easier for others to read.

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here.
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Old 08-20-2010, 08:46 AM
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Ala-non didn't work for me either, a bunch of women complaining about men when we are in the same room. It happens on these threads also. How can women not be sensitive to the feelings of the opposite sex.
This maybe true

But it so good to hear from the men out there. I knew you where there Lurking around

This forum has a men and women only posting section.

This section is for EVERYONE.

Yet is it female dominated, because (most, some, a little, a lot, whatever) men choose not to participate. (I imagine Alanon is pretty much the same)

Alcoholism (and co-dependence) doesn't care what gender you are - it causes devastation and pain to everyone the same way.

If a woman is in a relationship with an A man - yeah he's gettin' bashed and vice versa. That's just the way it is - it's not a attack against all men, just that alcoholic.

So by all means if you want to b*itch and complain about the addict in your life, male or female, we would love to hear it, and we will support you, but you have to open to all kinds of opinions. This is the internet after all.
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Old 08-20-2010, 09:31 AM
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This forum is female dominated for a reason - because women tend to be nurturers and caregivers, and I would say more men tend to abuse the bottle than women. Just my opinion, but the evidence is all here.

Sure there are some of us men who have to deal with alcoholic women in our lives but I would guess far fewer than there are wives dealing with husbands......or perhaps men aren't seeking proper help for their predicaments - who knows.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:33 AM
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Hey Duke-
Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but please know you've found a good place and you're not alone.
Stick around - keep posting - there are many many men on here who have struggled with A partners. And if you went to an AlAnon meeting where women were just bitching about men then I'd say keep an open mind and try again or try another meeting - that sounds like a crummy meeting - each group has its own personality and follows the steps and traditions - but some groups are "healthier" than others!

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Old 08-20-2010, 12:17 PM
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Welcome to the boards Duke.
I'm in similar shoes with an AW (Alcoholic Wife).

Seems like you have a massive heart and care and love her so much. I'm sorry to say this but for now, those baby eyes are nothing more than tools for the booze.

It's exceptionally hard to do but you need to try and direct all that love and caring towards yourself. That's the only way you will get better. Your wife will either get on board with your positive changes or she won't but in the end, you'll be learning how to love yourself.

If she is in fact pregnant, I'd be making sure I went to her checkups. That doctor needs to know that she has a drinking problem because she will be lying for sure on the form she completes. yes. She will be upset and it will be a scene but for the sake of the child, the doctor needs to know the real deal.

I don't go to Al anon but I do read and post here. It helps me so much so stick around. You're not alone.
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