LovingMom

Hello. My son is a duel dependent..beer and pot. He went in to treatment at his request three weeks ago. He was inpatient for seven days. The day he got out, he went out with his girlfriend. He says that he wants to be a part of the family and yet he wont stay home for even one night. I finally talked to him today on the phone and told him that if he wanted to leave..be a man..then by all means..go..but go all the way. I told him that I wouldn't be his storage place where he can come and go at his whim. He started crying and said that he wants to come home. I love him..but I feel in my gut that his week of inpatient was a huge waste and the money that I had to put out..and am still putting out is down the toilet. I do not trust him as he has stolen from me almost everthing that I have of any value. He stole his brother's quarter book and just about everything else. The problem is that I want him home. I know that I can't "fix" him...but is just loving someone ever enough to keep them on the right track? How can I be an effective mom to my other two sons when all I can focus on is SJ? I am always in fear that there is going to be the phone call or the knock at the door..why does he keep doing this? Walking in and out of my life like a whisper..now you see him..now you don't. How does one make themselves stronger so that they can stand up to these individules? Where can I find some one else that knows..that understands where I am right now? Is this it?

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi LisaB. Welcome.

This is a good place to start. Live alanon meetings and literature about codependency will help, too. Your son does these things because he has the disease of addiction. And No... loving an addict is never enough to keep them on track. For that matter, it really isn't possible to put or keep another human being on track. They have to reach inside and find the strength to do it themselves. You are wise to consider what this turmoil could be doing to your other children.

There are lots of other moms that hang out here. I'm not one, but I'm sure they'll be along soon to share their experiences with you.

I'm glad you found us.
Hugs,
Smoke

Petunia

Dear LisaB,

Glad you found the site. It sounds as if you have been having a tough time - moreso lately. This is the place to come and read and ask questions and share your thoughts.

Addictions get worse and worse before they get better. I have a sister who started abusing drugs and alcohol as a teenager. She is now 37 and still using.

There is nothing that I can do to make her stop. But I have found great relief in Al-Anon and coming here to the boards. Until my sister wants to stop using (sure she wants to be well, but the issue is she can't stop using until she decides she will stop using) she is going to continue to act in ways that are selfish and sick. She is sick - she has an illness that I cannot cure.

The best slogan - that always reminds me of the core of Al-Anon - Didn't cause it, Can't contol, Won't Cure it.

I wish you some peace today - for you and the rest of your young
'ins. They need you more than ever to show them how to set boundaries and create a place of serenity and emotional safety.

Much love coming your way,

Petunia

LovingMom

Thank you for responding to my post. I really can't talk to anyone in my family because they all tell me that I should just throw him out...Don't get me wrong..that thought has flitted through my own mind many times..But I just kept thinking that the one time I didn't pay attention..or the one time that I wasn't there for him..would be the ONE time that he truly wanted/needed the help. When he told me three weeks ago that he wanted to get the help..inside I was jumping for joy..Here was the thing I had hoped for the most..right in front of me..But on the outside I was calm. He asked me again for help..I said "How can I help you S? What more can I do for you?" He looked at me with tears just standing in his wonderful blue eyes and said.."I don't know how to find them". Meaning AA or Intake centers. I told him "In the yellow pages" and gave him the book. I made him make the calls, talk to the intake counselors, make the appointments to see them. Finally the only thing that I had done to "help him" is get on the web to my insurance company and find the numbers to Timberlawn...then I took my beautiful son and dropped him off at their front door. I visited him everyday..I went to every meeting that was called...and to tell you the truth...I have been had yet again by this stranger that I call SON.
The last couple of nights when he didn't come home..he didn't call..All I could think about is that any minute I am going to get the call..."Mrs. B...did you have a son named SJ..?" I have gotten that call from jail...but I know that the next time will be so much worse. I have tried..I know this story isn't new to you all...but it is to me. I have never been around alchol or drugs. Never did it..never wanted to..so I truly don't know where he gets it from..this "illness"...this "disease". Is it really one? Or is it a crutch for not wanting to see the world as it is.. So many questions..My mind is in constant turmoil...never really able to settle on one thing for very long. Oh God..I need help.

Vampgirl

Hi There,
I'm so glad you found this place.If there is any way you can get to some live meetings too,it will help a lot. I used to go to one open AA meeting a week as part of my al-anon program and I can not tell you how many alcoholics told their story stating "If one more person had "helped" me,I'd be dead now" or "If you baby them,you bury them". I am not giving you advice from me,because I am not in the same stuation,but this came right from the mouths of the people who walked in your son's shoes.
Please consider attending not only al-anon meetings but also open AA meetings because that really helps in the understanding of the disease and how to deal with it. It is also very inspiring and hopeful hearing the stories of recovery.
Good luck,keep coming back and take care,Vampy