transformyself

My middle sons curriculum night was tonight. A woman who used to be my neighbor was there, who I told to get and stay away from me when I was pregnant with my now 9 year old.

She was friendly. So was I. She kept trying to talk to me, though and wanted to exchange numbers, you know, to help me get adjusted to my sons new school.

This is the reason I went NC with her in 2001, her "helping."

When I got home I analyzed it, thankfully not for too long as I have the capacity to analyze stuff to death, really. But I can't tell if this is just an old resentment, or if I simply don't want to be friendly with this woman.

I think a resentment would be different. I would be mad, hold a grudge. I just dont' want to be friends. Don't want to exchange more than pleasantries.

How do you tell the difference between an old resentment and wanting a clear boundary?

transformyself

Ok I think I understand this.

I"m not resentful anymore about what happened so long ago between us. I just want her to stay the heck away from me.

I can be nice, but don't have to exchange numbers. When she asked me if I wanted her email or number, I pointed at the family I was sitting with and said, "Well, Tracey here is helping me plenty. Her son attends this school, and she's my other sons teacher." Said it all with a smile. Real nice. (So proud of myself) So she got the message I'm sure.

And yes, when I think about the incident that prompted my ending our friendship, I can still get mad, but it's a choice. i don't need to get mad because I'm not powerless and she doesn't have to be in my life.

Right?

sesh

I don't know why would even want to ask yourself this (resentment or boundary). Why does it matter?
She is someone that hurt you in the past. You don't want to do anything with her, but exchange pleasantries. To me that is commone sense, that needs no analizing. You had a bad experience with her, you learned from it, and you're staying away. So, to me this sounds like a healthy boundary, and is that boundary coming from some leftover resentment or not, IMO doesn't really matter.
I don't know, I'm kind of discovering in my life, the less I analize things the better they are for me.
BTW I think you're doing great, as even though I don't really post offten, I always read you threads.
HUGS

transformyself

Well, I dont' know why I would question myself either. I guess the answer is I"m still working on creating and holding boundaries, nice-like. For years, my method of doing that was to avoid folks, or be so odious that they didn't want to be around me.

This is different. This is being nice to a point but keeping a clear boundary.

Also, I really don't want to just be a resentful jerk. I struggle with validating myself. It's hard for me, for lots of reasons.

Learn2Live

I am working on this kind of thing in my life right now too. I think my overanalyzing this situation when it occurs for me is because I feel so damn obligated all the time, like I'm going to hurt the person and I don't want to do THAT! God forbid someone have to deal with rejection.

My ability to reject people, even people who are dangerous to me and my mental and emotional health, is just BROKEN. But recently I have just gotten to the point where I realize that I just don't WANT certain kinds of people in my life. And I realize that whenever I let those kind of people in my life, it takes YEARS and all kinds of work and stuff to finally reject them. I'm gettin' old and I don't have time to waste on this crap anymore. It's more efficient to just nip it in the bud and reject them outright. They'll get over it and move on to the next sucker who needs to be kind and soft and all cuddly and warm with them. In all honesty, the way I feel about it now after having been through this a gazillion times is: It's either ME or THEM. Because it half kills me everytime I have to go through all the toxicity and poison and chaos.

Here's how I look at your situation.
You have the right and the responsibility to choose who you allow into your life and under what conditions.
You owe NO ONE anything. No explanations. No apologies. NOTHING.
Forget about her. Too bad if her feelings are hurt; we're not in the frickin second grade.
What happened in the past happened in the past and you learned a lesson and moved on.

transformyself

Well now. That about sums it up.

Driving back from dropping off my youngest son, I was thinking about this young girl who's freelancing for me right now. I was hoping she'd work out to be an addition to our regular staff. right now it's myself, doing all the editorial work for the paper marketing, and my business partner who does ad sales and publishing.

My partner just found her "minion" as she calls the girl she's hired to do more ad sales. (Don't get offended, they both like this name for her) Anyways, the new ad sales girl brought her best friend on, a journalist who owns a very popular magazine.

I gave her three assignments, she's done them in record time and well, so I was hoping she'd become my right hand writer. I really need one. But last night she got really nasty with me about changing her outgoing voicemail. I asked her to change it to something more professional, anything other than the noise and shouting she has on there now, which doesn't identify her by name in any way. I told her I"m concerned about it, because now that she's making calls on behalf of our paper, it'll reflect poorly on us. Unprofessional.

She said, "What do you want me to change it to, exactly? I didn't know you were offering me a job that would require me to change my voice mail." She was really nasty. It took me off guard, but I did say, "I"m not offering you a job," and ended the call.

Of course, today, I'm thinking about this. Did I handle it well? What should I have done?

Then the scarcity pricinpal goes to work on me. Oh, there aren't a lot of journalists out there right now that'll be willing to work with us. I shouldn't have done that.

BS!!! This is the same thinking that kept me with AH for so long, being afraid I couldn't get or do any better than him.

BULL FREAKING CRAP.

Today I"m going to evict those voices from my head. Buh bye now. You go away..

LexieCat

A resentment is when the old hurt keeps eating at you, poisoning your mind.

All you are doing is making a decision not to put yourself in a position where history might repeat itself, and cause a NEW resentment. After all, if you put yourself back in the position for her to do the same thing, and she does, you would be kicking yourself for letting her do it again, right?

Maybe she's changed, maybe she hasn't. You don't "owe" her another chance. You can keep doing what you're doing, be cordial and friendly but keep your distance.

HoopNinja

transform-I think you are doing an incredible job of figuring out what with the are we in 2nd gradecomment from L2L.

I guess I too am at the point when I want people to act like grown ups and if they don't-you're right buh bye. Why have someone who has shown in the past (or present) they are not a person you want in your life. To me that is giving someone a second chance to sucker punch me. Sort of the fool me once shame on your, fool me twice shame on me thing.

One thing I recently learned and I am trying to live by it (it will take awhile) is to not respond right away when someone provokes me. It gives me a chance to look at my own motivation for what my initial response is. It sounds like you recognized the journalist for what she was and good for you for evicting those voices that are trying to get you to drop your boundaries and the good work you have done for you.

wicked

Transform,
For one, minions do not get to be nasty or unprofessional to their higher ups, it just isnt done. She does not deserve the title "minion", because minions follow orders.
I wish I were a journalist. Sigh.......
I at least know how to answer a phone in a business like manner.

Is there a large, well known, university in your area that might have some journalism students who would intern (another word for minion) and would know their place in the hierarchy of the paper?

Hmmmm, could there be minions aplenty?

I don't think my flying monkeys are up to the job, their voice mail might sound like what you have now!

:rotfxko

Beth

ETA:
you are doing fine Lakota woman. Just fine.

transformyself

Okay this is fascinating to me. I love learning more about myself, since I'm the only thing I can change after all..
This is simple and brilliant. It's helping me greatly. Thanks Lexi.

Wicked, you and ALL your flying monkeys can be my minions! Ha!
It makes sense, yes, minions are not allowed to be crabby to the higher ups, or their incinerated, right?

Her attitude has given me red flags that's for sure. I don't want to have power struggles with folks. But then I question my people management skills. Maybe I should be more patient? Who am I to demand compliance? I don't want to be a jerk, but also don't want to be treated that way, especially by a young girl.

Then I think about myself as a young girl. I was VERY mouthy, very pushy.

Ultimately, I need an employee, not a project or a girl with problems I can take in to "help." I don't want to help anyone! I just want the freaking paper taken care of.

TakingCharge999

Well done!!

IMHO you have done great healthy things!! First, not welcoming someone in your life who doesn't enrich it-(that's tough!).Then, not letting the rude intern get all bossy with you -having a professional VM message is a standard everywhere for God's sakes! Lastly you also identified a pattern -accepting less, because somewhere you learned the Universe is not abundant with good men and good coworkers... and of course an employee is supposed to ease your life not complicate it more. Good luck with the search - I hope you find her/him soon.

You are indeed transforming yourself!! thanks for sharing your victories. Codie-NO MORE!

TakingCharge999

OH no- no more "projects" please.
Just Project Transformyself (and Project TC999) are enough packages

keepinon

I think you simply had been there, done that w/ this woman and didn't want to go there again..sounds like recovery to me! The phrase poped in my head again.." When i see crazy (or annoying, or no boundaries,or active user,etc) comin, I cross the street." you politely crossed the street instead of running head on into a known problem...do not second guess yourself..I'm a supercodie, but I think that's what normal functioning people do..get off the roller coaster and don't get on again!

transformyself

Thank you for all the great wisdom. And here's some more.

I have, in the past, made bad judgment calls about others. My business partner for instance. Originally there were three of us, and the other was an alcoholic. He created so much drama and chaos we got rid of him.

But. Before we got rid of him, he had me convinced my business partner was a no good spoiled brat who did nothing. I'm ashamed of that now.

I think it's a combination of wanting to be sure, be careful, and being unsure of my own motives.

Bolina

Transform, you are right that these are both boundary issues, but not necessarily yours at the outset. You did great, though.

1st case - she has very poor boundaries herself. I hate it when people do to me what I used to do to others. (not saying you did, just that I can recognize my behavior in hers).

2nd case - she has poor work/life boundaries. And maybe needed this kick up the ass. Shame, I bet there are thousands of writers who would kill for that work.

So, now your boundaries come into play. 1st case - No contact is not a bad option or perhaps a "I'm good, thank you" and some non-committal noises. I find no contact can be quite an aggressive stance - when needed it is effective but sometimes it is a sledgehammer to crack a nut. And who knows if her "helpiness" could come in useful one day...... All or nothing are not the only two options you know ;-)

2nd case - She blew it. It's a no brainer to have your work cell on professional mode all the time. Your boundary is (I imagine) along the lines of ....I am a professional person. Anyone who represents me will follow my lead, otherwise they will not work for me anymore.

These are great examples of spoken and unspoken boundaries, actually. In the first case, the boundary need not be spoken. In the second, then perhaps it needs mentioning sooner rather than later.

I love to see boundary setting in action, so thank you for this.

wicked

Or dropped into a field of poppies, poppies, poppies......
Teehee Minions are supposed to be amenable.

Your motives could be selfish as in you want the best for your life, and you want the best for your paper, and you want the best for your kids.
Not necessarily in that order, but you know what I mean.
No more foolish idiots getting in the way of your good life.
Yep.

stilllearning

"I have, in the past, made bad judgment calls about others."

"I think it's a combination of wanting to be sure, be careful, and being unsure of my own motives."

Thanks for the thtread Transform, I struggle with this issue regularly. My judgement has been so spectacularly flawed in the past that I spend a lot (a lot) of time second guessing myself. Sometimes it's paralysing. And it's still uncomfortable to draw a boundary with people who I just don't want in my life, even when I'm absolutely sure I want that door closed. Hard to do gracefully and it sounds like you did a great job with it, both times.

Hugs,

SL.

Learn2Live

I can see where you might be right now, in how I had to learn Patience. I had to learn to deal with a certain person at work, a coworker. Let me just say that she is very loud, obnoxious, pushy, complains about everyone and everything, nasty and would always try to FORCE me to do things her way by yelling and cussing at me. I had to tolerate a lot of this kind of behavior.

Recently, this woman trapped me in my cubicle, trying to badger and force me to do something HER way. It was a lesson in patience sent from my HP. I had to practice self-control. Normally, I would have counterattacked (and have done so with her many times before). But I kept my cool for a 10+ minute conversation where she hovered over me physically and then, when it became apparent that she just did not hear or understand me, I calmly asked her to leave and told her I was beginning to get angry. She exclaimed, "Beginning!?!?" flipped her head in some weird-a$$ way, and huffed off. I just went back to doing my work.

I learned that day to see her differently. I realized that she just didn't have the capacity to understand my position, nor accept any view other than her own. I did not feel sorry for but I was able to accept that Her motivations were good but that she was frustrated. And that I knew a lot more than she did about the topic and so I needed to be patient with that and more understanding that she was frustrated. It was the first time in 5 years of dealing with this woman that I was finally able to not fight back.
When you practice patience with others, and master the art of Inhibition (non-reaction), you second guess yourself much less. At least that's my theory.

PS Let me just say Wow and Thank you to everybody who thanked me for my earlier share. I didn't think i was contributing much in my post but I got a lot of Thanks and it made me feel good inside

wicked

But, L2L, you didn't react the way she wanted! You were only "beginning" to get angry?
Why, heavens to betsy! After all that work she put in? Damn! No wonder she went off in a huff.
:rotfxko

Oh yeah! I felt this one! Hit the road Jack, and dontcha come back no more!

Learn2Live

Thanks Beth. You seem to always make me chuckle

It was strange to realize that this woman actually thought I was angry the entire time when I knew to the depths of my soul that I did not exhibit that. I saw the truth that day: That other people are to you whatever you BELIEVE thay are. Bizarre. Like the movie The Matrix!