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Sure you've all heard this before...

Old 09-16-2010, 07:06 PM
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Unhappy Sure you've all heard this before...

Hi Everyone,

Geez, where do I start? I've been married to an alcoholic for almost a year now. I'm considering whether to just cut my losses and get out now, or to hang in there with him.

In October 2009 I married the love of my life. The circumstances weren't the best- I was pregnant, and he decided to do the "right thing" and marry me. He's in the military- and stationed at Ft Riley, Kansas. So, I moved out of my parents' house at 21, and moved to Kansas with him. I ended up having a miscarriage, but we decided to stay together.

We've had our "good and bad days," but lately, life has been hell. I recently slipped in the shower and dislocated/shattered my knee cap, and had to have surgery as the result. It was my right leg, so I can't drive due to the ridiculous brace I have to wear.
My husband had to leave for pre-deployment training two days after my fall, so he wasn't able to be there for my surgery and early recovery. My mom (thank God) was able to stay the 3 weeks with me to help out post-op. My husband got back from training after 3 weeks, and my mom went back home. Since then, everything has been in chaos.

I am in the National Guard, and I had my "drill weekend" on the 11th and 12th. My husband offered to drive me the 2 hours to my unit so my mom could go home. He started drinking the moment we got there. (The unit pays for a hotel room for those of us who aren't local) We stopped at a liquor store before even getting to the hotel. Long story short, he began drinking that Friday, and hasn't stopped yet. He ended up not picking me up after I got off on Saturday (I caught a ride with another out-of-towner to the hotel) and when I got back to our room, he was passed out on the bottom of the bed, fully dressed. (At least he made it that far.)
Furious, I woke him up and said, "Thanks for nothing." This started a fight, in which he complained about "getting back from training and not getting a break." He said he just wanted a day to relax and "drink A beer." So I told him to drive the two hours back home, and the next morning, he did. I caught another ride with someone else, and he was wasted by the time I got home. There was a bottle of gin on the table, with only a tiny amount left in the bottom.

Fast forward through more fighting, the next morning, he dropped me off at work. Four hours later (I don't work for very long because of my leg) I called him to pick me up. He didn't answer the calls, and instead sent a text message that said, "What is it, Courtney?" I reminded him that I was off work and needed a ride, and he told me to call a taxi. The taxi said it would be an hour and a half to two hour wait, so I ended up walking home on my crutches. I ended up having to miss my physical therapy, and called my parents, crying. (I go to my parents for advice, but he admits to being embarrassed by his drinking, so he HATES it when I fill them in.) This started more fights, in which he told me the only thing I'm good for is sitting on the couch and thinking of reasons to make people think he's a loser.
My mom came up from Texas the next day and picked me up. I'm now down in Texas, mostly so I can get to the doctor's and physical therapy now.

...I love my husband more than he knows, and it breaks my heart every time he drinks. When he's sober, he is the most wonderful, amazing man I know. But when he drinks, he turns into a vicious, verbally abusive, hateful man. He's not physically violent, or anything, but the emotional damage is almost too much to bear. We don't have any children, but I'm not sure I want to raise them in this environment. I really believe we're meant to be together, but I just couldn't bear a major crisis like a car wreck, or trouble with his job (he drives drunk, and got in trouble with the Army in April 2010. They caught him drunk on duty, and took his rank, thus we lost about $800 a month.) He admits to having a problem, but has told me that he doesn't want to stop. I don't know what to do. I want to believe in him, I want to love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I guess what I need most is some advice.
Books, things to do when he's drunk, anything.

Thanks everyone who takes the time to read this.
-Court.
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:20 PM
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He said he doesn't want to stop. He is very selfish. I would stay in Texas. Walking home on crutches.....how mean.....just sayin' I divorced mine and am so much better.....the disease is progressive. Try to get to Alanon. Gad you are here.
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:24 PM
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I tried to edit my post, but it won't let me. Here's the added text:

I told him that things can't continue the way they are going, and either he would have to stop, or I would have to go to Texas so my parents can help me. He told me "Guess you'll have to go to Texas, then."

My mom came up from Texas the next day and picked me up. I'm now down in Texas, mostly so I can get to the doctor's and physical therapy now. He has been drinking- I can see the liquor stores popping up on my online bank statement. He still texts me stuff like "I love you." and even sent the following message to me:

"None of this is your fault. I'm a diseased person. I'm sick. You do not need to rush around trying to impress me. I've been impressed by your love from the very beginning. You are certainly not the one that needs to change. You are a brilliant and amazing person who-incredibly-the world hasn't messed up. I am deeply sorry for my ugliness. I disdain the things I do. I like myself less and less. Please know that I still love myself though. I just don't understand myself. I don't make any sense, and crazily, I get satisfaction out of it. I don't think I'm gonna change."
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:28 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Glad you found us! You will find lots of support and wisdom here. We understand what it is like to have a loved one addicted to alcohol. You are not alone.

Please pull out the keyboard and make yourself home by reading and posting as much as needed. There are permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this page. They contain some of our stories and lots of wisdom. Here is a link that contains steps that have helped some of us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:32 PM
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...I love my husband more than he knows, and it breaks my heart every time he drinks. When he's sober, he is the most wonderful, amazing man I know. But when he drinks, he turns into a vicious, verbally abusive, hateful man. He's not physically violent, or anything, but the emotional damage is almost too much to bear. We don't have any children, but I'm not sure I want to raise them in this environment. I really believe we're meant to be together, but I just couldn't bear a major crisis like a car wreck, or trouble with his job (he drives drunk, and got in trouble with the Army in April 2010. They caught him drunk on duty, and took his rank, thus we lost about $800 a month.) He admits to having a problem, but has told me that he doesn't want to stop. I don't know what to do. I want to believe in him, I want to love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
He'll keep breaking your heart, and the sober times will be less and less frequent IF he isn't interested in getting help.

It is very harmful to children, being raised with a parent who is unpredictable, vicious, emotionally abusive, etc. Read some in the Adult Children of forum for more information about that.

He's telling you the truth, he doesn't want to stop. He drives drunk and he's already paid the price for being drunk on duty, yet he continues to drink. He will continue to do just that.

You're choice is to either stay and have a front row seat to his personal destruction (and waste your years in the mean time), or move on with your life.

I know what I, with hindsight to fall back on, would do.

Big hugs to you Court, I'm glad you found us.
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:47 PM
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Thanks to everyone who has posted so far. I guess I should say that he HAS tried to stop before, and even attends local AA meetings. Lately though, its like he has decided he doesn't want to stop. Some days, his family comes first, but others, I take a back seat to the alcohol. I'm sure eventually he will decide to quit again, but for now, he's made up his mind.
Also, he will be deploying to Iraq for 15 months in November. He says he will come back from the deployment and begin drinking again because "if he can buy it, he will." He says he can't stop himself from buying it. He will be sober on the entire deployment, and I just don't understand how he can go that long and then jump right back into alcoholism. I am hoping for the best though.

-Court.
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:55 PM
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Hi, welcome to our family.
"None of this is your fault. I'm a diseased person. I'm sick. You do not need to rush around trying to impress me. I've been impressed by your love from the very beginning. You are certainly not the one that needs to change. You are a brilliant and amazing person who-incredibly-the world hasn't messed up. I am deeply sorry for my ugliness. I disdain the things I do. I like myself less and less. Please know that I still love myself though. I just don't understand myself. I don't make any sense, and crazily, I get satisfaction out of it. I don't think I'm gonna change."
This actually made me laugh. I can't count the number of times I've heard these exact words. It's so bizarre!

But it's not funny, mainly because this crapola kept me hooked in for SO FREAKING LONG. "Oh, see?!? He DOES love me!!! Poor guy, he understands and, in time, he'll see the error of his ways and change and we can be together, happy."

For years, Girl I BS'ed myself this way. He lied, I ate it up. He'd be verbally abusive if I threatened his happy, warm little home where my nagging was an easy price to pay for someone to sleep with, blame and keep him distracted from how sick he is.

A decade and a half, later, two kids, three affairs, and a foreclosed home later-we're separated and seriously? If I didn't have kids with him, I'd be as far away as my little Indian car could take me.

So, yes. We've heard this before. Out of our very mouths. I hear that you "love" him, but I recently realized that my disease kept me from walking out that door the first, second or even third time he got drunk and pissed himself and treated me like crap.

That's not love. That's addiction in action.

You can educate yourself about alcoholism and make your own choices, but your husband, my husband, any alcoholic who doesn't get sober and work a program will get WORSE. And not amount of empty promises, blame shifting or guilt tripping can stop that.

Last edited by transformyself; 09-16-2010 at 07:56 PM. Reason: forgot to say-Believe him when he says he's not going to change!
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Old 09-16-2010, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Hi, welcome to our family.


This actually made me laugh. I can't count the number of times I've heard these exact words. It's so bizarre!

.
OMG, every time she wrote me an apology letter or email, she would write those exact words too.

I'm learning a lot in this forum.
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Old 09-16-2010, 08:18 PM
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Courtney...
God bless you for finding us..My heart goes out to you and your family.
Please stay right where you are! You need your family to support you right now while you figure out what to do with your marriage, your future, your life.

You may not realize this, but you are at a major turning point in your life. The decisions you make right here right now will determine your future for many years to come.

Give yourself time, ask for help, listen to your heart and your gut.
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Old 09-16-2010, 08:18 PM
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Hello, Courtney.

Welcome to SoberRecovery. This is a place where you will find tremendous support, some education, and hope for a return to sanity. It's really possible.

You can hang out here as much as you like, and....we never close.
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Old 09-16-2010, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Coyena View Post
. He will be sober on the entire deployment, and I just don't understand how he can go that long and then jump right back into alcoholism.
As long as they know they can reward themselves with a drink at the end of the forced sobriety, an alcoholic can be sober. An alcoholic can go for long periods of sobriety as long as they know it's not forever.

That is addiction.

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic. I am a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic. I am also a recovery codependent.

I learned more about alcoholism and how it affects the mind and body of an alcoholic by reading a book "Under the Influence". I will share a link that contains excerpts from that book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
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Old 09-16-2010, 08:55 PM
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"He admits to having a problem, but has told me that he doesn't want to stop"
There's all you need in your own post.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. You are powerless over anyone but yourself.
If you don't want to live with an abusive selfish alcoholic, don't.
We don't marry someone's potential, we get what is in front of us.

Addiction= continue to use no matter the consequences

Take care of yourself as your body heals and you make the right decisions.
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Old 09-17-2010, 02:37 AM
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Sorry you're going though all this. You are so young.
I really wish there are some magic words I could say to you to make it all better, but I'm afraid there are no any.
Most of us here learned that the hard way.
The only thing I can suggest is try to stick around here and learn about alcholims and the way it affects the loved ones as much as you can.
It is a PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. It doesn't get better until A him/herself decides to make it better. That can happen tomorrow, in a year, in 5, 10, 20 years or never. How much time in your life you'd be willing to spend living like this?
I wish you well
Take care of yourself and wellcome
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Old 11-19-2010, 04:18 AM
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*update*

I know it's been awhile, but I would like to update everyone here.
I stayed in Texas for about a week, and I was in regular contact with my husband via cell phone. He told me he was going to work (Army), and I believed him.... for a few days. One day, after telling me he was "just sitting around in the office," he asked me to send him a photo of myself that he could masturbate to. (Embarrassing.) I immediately knew something wasn't quite right, and after some prodding, I finally dragged the truth out of him:

That he was still at the apartment, AWOL from the Army, and could not stop drinking for fear of the withdrawals. He told me he had tried to stop on Sunday (it was now Tuesday) and woke up at 4am with audio and visual hallucinations. He knew the liquor stores were closed, so he drank the entire bottle of Listerine in the bathroom, and thus threw up all over the apartment. He was crying to me on the phone, and agreed to go to the hospital if I (and my mom) came up there and took him.

I shouldn't have done this, but I left Texas for Kansas an hour after getting off the phone with him. On the drive, his Sergeant called me, told me they had been looking for him, and that paperwork to chapter (or kick) him out of the Army had already been started.

When we got to the apartment, it wasn't as bad as I expected. There were TONS of bottles on every available surface or counter top though. He had run out of dog food and was feeding the dog Campbell's soup, and the dog was thus pooping soup poops in the second bedroom.
I immediately called 911. The medics showed up, and talked with him, and told me it would "cost less" for us to drive him to the hospital, because he seemed okay and it didn't seem like an emergency. I insisted they take him, so they did. He stood up and walked down three flights of stairs.

I met him at the hospital, where they did a blood test, and determined his .BAC was .33 (remember, he walked down 3 flights of stairs and was able to talk and answer questions! Tolerance, I guess.)
After letting him "sober up" for a few hours, they gave him IV Valium to fight the withdrawals, and some pills to take home. Two sergeants came and picked him up from the hospital, because he was in trouble for disappearing for almost a week.
He came home later that evening, and had a really rough night. He gave me his pills to distribute to him, and he had these weird "full body" twitches all night long.

He recovered pretty quickly, and realized what he had to do. He recently came back from a month long in-patient treatment (the military agreed to send him after he asked to go) and has now been sober almost 2 months.
The fact that his career is on the line still hangs HEAVILY over our heads. I had a breakdown last night, but instead of ignoring me and passing out, he actually sat down and talked/listened to me. He is going to AA meetings every single day (sometimes two) and has a sponsor and all the tools he needs. I'm attending Al-Anon meetings, and learning how to live my own life, after going crazy chasing him around for the first year we were married.

Just wanted to thank everyone on here again for all the support you gave me at the beginning. I wish I had found this forum sooner! This will be a long and difficult road, but things are already looking up.

-Court
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