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What to do?

Old 09-15-2010, 11:10 AM
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What to do?

In a real quandary.

My ahgf is now 4 weeks sober and has asked me to take a back seat at the moment while she stays with her family and deals with her recovery fair enough.

It made me realise I'm co dependant and obsessed with her txts calls and seeing her, I belive I also love her too.

I've backed off totally not contacting her first and letting her do the running, she rings every day for a chat I keep it lighthearted but then I fret every night is she going to ring, what time will she ring? She always does but is that helping me?

She said she needs out daily chat to aid her as only I know everything and she feels she can talk to me about anything not her family. So to stop may hinder her recovery!!

On another note her family are not making any effort to understand the diasease and are starting to behave in an obsessive co dependant manner themselves which is driving the AHGF insane and may again hinder her.
They refuse alon on and belive they are behaving rationally (been there lol)

Oh god so many worries I'm trying to focus on me and work on detaching with love but it's so tough
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Old 09-15-2010, 12:06 PM
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Hi Geordie...

Your AGF's request that you "take the back seat" to her recovery makes sense (for her), but is probably rather unhealthy (for you). By keeping in contact with her, you keep feeding your addiction to know what's going on with her, what she's thinking/feeling, whether or not she may be relapsing, what her family is doing to her. To be blunt, that's entirely HER affair and none of yours.

You do not share any children. You are not married. It is not necessary for you to be in contact at this very precarious moment in her recovery. 4 weeks sobriety is a drop in the bucket. If she needs support, she should be contacting her sponsor or her counsellor. You are ill equiped to "help her" deal with her problems.

She may say that she needs your chats to help her, but let's put aside what SHE wants and SHE needs, and talk about YOU. What do you think would help you most at the moment? Could you use a bit of a break from the constant tention and worrying about her her her?

I'd strongly advise that you step away from the alcoholic, give yourself the gift of time and space, and TRUST in HP that if you and your girlfriend are "meant to be", then a few months of no contact won't hinder your relationship. You'll find each other again with a renewed sense of commitment to recovery. If however, it's not a good relationship to begin with, No Contact will give you the opportunity to see the relationship for what it is.

You are also in recovery...and taking little hits of your DOC (drug of choice...HER) on a regular basis won't help you get better.
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Old 09-15-2010, 12:15 PM
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She doesn't need you, or her family for her recovery.

Take care of you!
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Old 09-15-2010, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Hi I'd strongly advise that you step away from the alcoholic, give yourself the gift of time and space, and TRUST in HP that if you and your girlfriend are "meant to be", then a few months of no contact won't hinder your relationship. You'll find each other again with a renewed sense of commitment to recovery. If however, it's not a good relationship to begin with, No Contact will give you the opportunity to see the relationship for what it is.

You are also in recovery...and taking little hits of your DOC (drug of choice...HER) on a regular basis won't help you get better.
Great advice.......If it's meant to be, it will be.
Let it be
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Old 09-15-2010, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
strongly advise that you step away from the alcoholic, give yourself the gift of time and space, and TRUST in HP that if you and your girlfriend are "meant to be", then a few months of no contact won't hinder your relationship. You'll find each other again with a renewed sense of commitment to recovery. If however, it's not a good relationship to begin with, No Contact will give you the opportunity to see the relationship for what it is.

You are also in recovery...and taking little hits of your DOC (drug of choice...HER) on a regular basis won't help you get better.
I'm going to give this some thought, thank you
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