The cloud is lifting..
 

Hello (((FOC)))

Today things seems better. My depression is lifting. I almost made it to work but still having a hard time sleeping at night.

I really learned a lot here the other day. I learned not to beat myself up when I have a breakdown. I finally realized I dont ask for depression. I dont request breakdowns and I dont crave unhappiness. I am not being insensitive to the fact that I need to help myself more. But I realized I was beating myself up and that wasnt helping anyone. I dont want these things to happen to me.

I really do feel better and almost know what I want. I have started to send my resume out. There are some opportunities that got me very excited should I be considered! I really thought long and hard about my job situation and know exactly what I want. I also know it may come to a point I need to leave my current job (scary) but I cant work in one state and interview in another state so will need my HP for that. I have some money saved up so that will help. Maybe I will get lucky and get a package when I go back tomorrow. That would be fantastic! I will leave this in HPs hands.

But since the dark cloud lifted, I feel free and more clear minded. I am starting to think I am not paying attention to the little me and what I want so when I have a breakdown it may be due to all the signs I ignore.

I have some plans financially just in case. I can rent out my basement if I needed too. Any takers? :)

But friends, for the first time in so many years...I am giving myself a break... I have put the bat away. I have realized I am only human. I have realized my stbxah had much influence in how I handle myself these days and that has go to stop! Even if I have to move into my basement...I am going to enjoy living. My job is just too damned stressful for me. It has been 5 1/2 years and its still very stressful and I hate it. I am making a move to make my life...happy!! Yes. Happy!!


Here's to this mood sticking :)

Hugs
Lulu

There you go, one foot in front of the other....left, right, left, right!

You are making huge strides in your healing. I recall after my very long term relationship ended, it took me a long while to put myself back in order.

I too was afraid to leave my job, so my HP helped me out a little. Am I scared? (gulp), yep, terrified. But it's change and I need to get used to change becase it seems like my HP is keep going to thrust change at me until I get comfortable with it.

When can I move in?

Its very strange realizing I am still living my life under his rules. I adopted his way of seeing/living life and it is still rules me. I have to keep asking myself...how do I want to live? What do I think is the right decision. Do I care what others think?

I think I am very hard on myself. Without realizing it. That damn book is really tearing me apart.

hugs
Lulu