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I can't let go.

Old 09-14-2010, 10:58 AM
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I can't let go.

It's been a little over a month since I left my xagf, and I can't move on.
I'm reading Codependent no more, and going to Alanon, once a week, but I've been suffering from terrible depression since I left.
She was the love of my life, and I can't imagine my life without her. Even though when I was with her, I couldn't handle her drinking anymore.
She has been living with her parents in a different state, and she's been sober since her attempted suicide (about a month). I know I should sever all contact with her, but I just can't. I still talk to her, and I just can't seem to let go and move on.
I come home from work every day, sit in my little apartment and cry. I don't know if it's codependency or love, but I don't know how to go on living my life without her by my side.
I thought that once I left her I would feel relieved, but the relief never came. I never realized how much I love her until I was no longer with her. But the thought of getting back together and her drinking again scares me to death. I know I can never be around an active alcoholic again.

Thanks for reading. I'm going through a really hard time. She was the only person in the world I could talk about my feelings, and now I can't do that anymore, I just need some sort of an outlet.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:29 AM
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I am sorry that you are suffering. You are going through the grieving process, grieving what you lost. The only way I know to combat this depression is to get back out into the world. Meet friends after work, take up a new hobby, visit family, join a health club, walk around the block....just do something.

Talking to her, hearing her voice is not helping you one little bit, I cn't stress how important no contact is to the healing process. Please consider going no contact, if she really does straighten out in the future (a year or so) possibly you can start talking to her again.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:45 AM
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Hi phineas. I'm new here too. I'm really sorry to hear about how much pain you are in right now. I am in the process of trying to detach from my ABF but I genuinely love him. We've been together seven years. If I manage to walk away it will be the hardest thing I've ever done.
Sometimes after a suicide attempt people start a new chapter in their life. It's an opportunity for change. I don't know what sort of help your ex agf is getting as far as therapy, medication, etc. but I hope she finds her way to a better life.
Next time I'm crying I'll think about you somewhere crying too, ok? I'm really happy to have found this forum and no longer be so alone in my grief and confusion.
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Old 09-14-2010, 12:08 PM
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I agree with Anvil, that is codependancy, not love.
It took me a few times of breaking up and getting back together with my ex before I am finally done with it. I realize that, no matter how hard I try, I can't make him into the man that I want him to be. He will probably never be that guy, and I'm not ok with that. My daughters and I deserve to be treated like gold and if hes not going to do that, then someone else will. I, personally, don't feel very loved when I am being lied to, stolen from, disrespected and so on.
Also, when you get involved with an alcoholic or addict, thats for life. There is ALWAYS a chance for relapse. Are you ok with that? Ok with the stress that comes with that?
I know that I defiantly am not alright with that and will not go near anyone, who has anything to do with alcohol/substance abuse issues. No way man, I've had my fair share.
This too, shall pass.
I'm also on anti-depressants this time we've broken up and I know that has helped me a great deal in being strong enough to stay away because now that I'm not so depressed I don't feel like I need him to get through my life. Just a thought.
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Old 09-14-2010, 12:15 PM
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Yeah, it's really hard at first. The thing is, if you go back, more than likely, you will end up back at the same place at some point. Keep yourself busy...don't go home from work and sit and cry, find somthing to do or somewhere to go. Keep your mind active. The more you sit around and mope, the longer you are going to feel like you are feeling now. I know it is easy to say these things, but remember, many, MANY of us have been right where you are and we are speaking from experience. Hang in there. It gets better.
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Old 09-14-2010, 12:54 PM
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There are some very sucessful
relationships in recovery.

I can't tell you what could
have happened in my own
marriage, cause I don't know.

All I know is, I got sober at
7 yrs in our marriage and remained
sober up to our 25th.

The sad thing was, I was the
only one in my little family with
a program. My husband did
attempt al-anon learning the
word dettachment and that was
it....

My marriage was lopsided.

Sadly it ended at 25 yrs and
today Im happily remarried to
someone in recovery where
we both have a program and
understand each other.

If you both are willing to work
a recovery program in ur relationship
then go for it.

If for whateverr reason it fails
then at least the 2 of you did
all u could and separating again
won't be a question.
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:07 PM
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Phin: hugs, I feel your pain.
yes, it can be love. Not every dam*n feeling is codependency. It's ok to love someone and it's ok to miss them
I left my ex, but that doesn't mean he's not worthy of my love and because I miss the great times we had, it doesn't mean it's codependecy, It means I'm human and have human feelings and miss the good side of the person.

If your ex not willing to get into a program, I'm afraid the relationship would only be much of the same. If she is willing to get help, then you can see.

Not all addicts are useless scabs that are never worthy of love in case they relapse. That's like saying codies are not worthy of love or relationships in case we relapse.
He*ll, some person without addictions can relapse and turn out to be some nut as well

Take care of you for now
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:23 PM
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Summerpeach, that was my main issue, she already asked for help, and she got help. She went to rehab for 3 weeks in May/June, then 4 weeks outpatient, she got a sponsor, went to AA everyday, worked on her program, got her 30 day chip and was SO proud of it. She got a therapist, and a psychiatrist, medication for her bipolar disorder.
Then we went to spend a weekend with a friend she met at rehab, and relapsed. Had 5 days of binge drinking. I had to take her to the ER for DTs.
After that I lost hope, with all the help she got, she still relapsed. Buy I stayed. She promised me she's still serious about her recovery and went back to working on the program. That lasted about 3 weeks until she started drinking again, secretly. At that point I told her it was over between us, that I don't have any more hopes for her recovery. She kept saying that relapses are part of recovery and she is still serious about her recovery. I told her: "You knew that if you drink again I would leave you, why do you do it?" She said she doesn't know, she said it's to calm her racing thoughts when she's having a manic episode.
I still stayed in the house for another week to see if anything changes. After a week she came home drunk again (only later I discovered that we came to her new job drunk that day and was fired). The next day I left the house for good.
Even after the craziness of the break up calmed down and we talked again, she still wouldn't admit that the ONLY reason I left was her drinking. She kept saying I abandoned her.

So she got her help, she worked the program. After the 3rd relapse, I lost all hope. Was I wrong?
Now she's with her parents. She doesn't have a car anymore, doesn't have any money. She said she hasn't touched alcohol since the week after I left, and I believe her, I just think it's because she has no way of obtaining alcohol right now.
I want nothing more than to believe that she will get better one day. I read all the posts here, and it's REALLY depressing. So many lost hopes. I know some people manage to overcome alcoholism and remain sober for the rest of their lives, but it seems that they are a very small minority.
It kills me to think that such a sweet, caring person is going to get her life destroyed by that horrible disease, a disease of choice.
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Old 09-14-2010, 02:01 PM
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Hi Phineas. I'm glad you're here and that you've kept posting. SR was instrumental to my recovery after my marriage ended.

I understand what it feels like to mourn the POTENTIAL that the person could have fulfilled, if only they hadn't cracked open that first beer. I did that same thing for the duration of my marriage (5 yrs) thinking that *maybe*, if I gave enough, if I believed enough, if I was patient enough, my XAH would suddenly open his eyes and see the light (cue angelic choire here). It never happened. He threw it all away.

But you know what? It was never mine to throw away. It was and always will be HIS loss.

The same applies to you and your AGF. Yes, it's horribly sad that someone who could be so much more is just drowning in booze. But that is HER choice. And there's not a single thing you can do to influence that choice.

You may see a lot of lost hopes on this board, but if you stick around a while longer, you'll see the rebirth of new ones too. Perhaps you don't see it as much because those of us who do begin anew don't really post all that often or stick around. But they're there..they're just quieter I consider myself to be one of those people, and I keep coming back to SR for support as well as to share my experience and possibly touch the life of *someone* out there, even for a second.
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Old 09-14-2010, 02:10 PM
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And remember,...as much as it SUCKS, discomfort never killed anybody. You *will* make it through.
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Old 09-14-2010, 02:46 PM
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Mourning an alkie was really hard on me and I cried for months. It is still so very fresh for you phineas, I was a real mess the first weeks. One breathe at a time. I was too depressed to even seek AA/Alanon/therapy/ reach out somehow but I posted and posted here. "The Grief club" by Melody Beatty was a great read for me at the time.

Its been 2 years since then and sometimes Iremember what an incredible person and "chemistry" I had with the Alkie Ex.

And my conclusion is that, it seemed to be so incredibly wonderful because it was not real. Many things... were not real about him, but he had to make himself appear so alluring, so his addiction could continue. A trap, a mechanism. Later this theory was proven by other hurtful stuff that I would have never imagined to come from him. That is the thing with alkies, they hurt and hurt, and keep hurting. And that is the thing with codies, to be there for more, and more and more...

That Melody Beattie book talks about how we are all living different kind of losses, and how to cope. It has exercises - I hope you can get a copy. You will move on but as anvilhead says, you have to stop any contact, and let go of the sinking ship so you can get some fresh air.
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Old 09-14-2010, 03:03 PM
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The only way you can heal is to step back and let her find her way to healing.

Are you in Al Anon?
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Old 09-14-2010, 04:19 PM
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You haven't had much time and it does take time....and I agree with the fact as hard as it is no contact is best. Why put yourself through that pain over and over and over????? It took me a couple of years.....but now looking back I know........100% ......I could not live like that anymore. Coming second in a relationship nope......and the disease is progressive.....
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Old 09-14-2010, 05:03 PM
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I needed to read this today. I'm working on the no contact. I had to text him today because he got a letter from SSDI. Now I feel kind of crummy. For me, tomorrow is a new day. Start Day 1 of not contact.

Everything in the thread makes sense to me. I keep reading it over and over so it sticks in my head.
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Old 09-14-2010, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
The only way you can heal is to step back and let her find her way to healing.

Are you in Al Anon?
I just got back from an Al Anon meeting. It's my 4th one. So far I'm not getting anything from it. It's too spiritual for my liking, but I'm going to keep going.

I'm having a really hard time with the no contact, because I still can't accept that she's not part of my life anymore, and that she's not going to be in my life anymore. Every time I think I'm coming to accepting that, I keep getting pulled back and contacting her.

I went to the doctor a few days ago because I really want to quit smoking, I've been smoking a lot since the break up. I asked for Zyban (Wellbutrin), I figured I'll try and kill 2 birds: quit smoking and treat the depression.
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:15 PM
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Hang in there, Phineas. Break-ups are hard. Healing takes time.

I, too, am trying Al-Anon and not feeling the immediate benefits, though just knowing the groups are there and that I can attend is comforting. I went to at least a half dozen meetings in the last few weeks and there was only one where while I was there I really felt like I was hearing things I needed to hear. But I think I will keep going back. I like the idea of developing a network of people who've had similar experiences and feelings to mine.
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:31 PM
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Phineas, something that helped me when I was in the phase you are in now, was to remember that if we were meant to be together, that we both needed to be healthy for it to happen. I could see the dance that we did as alcoholic and codependent. If he did get sober, and I was still codependent, it would never work. It was time to accept the grief and really deal with my own problems. What led me to accept this kind of life in the first place? Why did I stay so long, give so many chances? Why, when he left, did I feel like I had nothing? Why did I lose my identity in the relationship? Who the hell was I? It's hard. A month is nothing, by the way. You are exactly where you should be. Be patient with yourself. You've experienced a loss. It's OK if you're not completely over it yet. I would echo what others have said about no contact. You're not helping yourself by continuing to rip off the scab.
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:35 PM
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I feel for you Phineas, I really do, because I have been in that deep pit of pain. I think we can love someone and be codependent on them at the same time. We’re human. We love…but when the love becomes so intense that our own happiness depends on that person’s state of being, then it’s time to reevaluate.

We hurt ourselves by hanging on. It was incredibly hard for me to walk away from my XABF, but my heart of hearts knew that hanging on to an uncertain future was sucking the life out of me.

Get up and do things for you. Don’t let yourself mope. Stay busy, and do things you enjoy, even if you don’t feel like it. Keep doing them, even if you don’t feel like it.

Please try no contact. If you can bring yourself to stick with it, it is HEALING. It works, but I had to learn the hard way. You can love her and honor your well-being at the same time by not getting tangled up in dead-end communication. I learned that contact with him gave me a fix...for a while...but when the fix was over, the pain came flooding back and I was wanting another fix. Just like an addict.

With no contact, the pain starts to fade, and you’ll find yourself obsessing less and less. It takes time, and maybe lots of it, but don’t give up.

Making yourself healthy and happy doesn’t mean giving up hope for her or for your future together. If she finds recovery, wouldn’t you like to be in your own recovery at the same time? And if she doesn’t, you will have gained your own happiness. You get the bonus prize, not the booby prize!

You can do it. You can get there. Hugs and peace to you.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:54 PM
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Keep reminding yourself over and over WHY you broke up with her, what it was doing to your well being and frame of mind. Even if her outcome was great, the toll it is taking on you isn't worth it. Keep remembering it is a disease. You aren't 'abandoning' anyone, you are just burnt out on caregiving and now it is time to take care of YOU. Try not to overthink, attach meanings, dwell on the fantasies, etc. etc. Your story was exhausting for me to read So I can just imagine what you've been through.

Break ups are hard. Everyone can tell you a million things to do to get well but only time heals. It is the fantasy that you are having a hard time letting go of. Live in the present and heal. The future isn't known but you can't continue on this road for your own sanity.

Good luck.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:03 AM
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Hmm, sounds like it's time to make a "List of Things I WON'T miss", and post it someplace obvious. Whenever you feel like having any contact, read the list...
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