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I can't let go.

Old 09-15-2010, 08:26 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome View Post
I feel for you Phineas, I really do, because
Please try no contact. If you can bring yourself to stick with it, it is HEALING. It works, but I had to learn the hard way. You can love her and honor your well-being at the same time by not getting tangled up in dead-end communication. I learned that contact with him gave me a fix...for a while...but when the fix was over, the pain came flooding back and I was wanting another fix. Just like an addict.
You're right. I am acting like an addict. Everytime I send a text, I wait for her response, when it comes, it's a fix, when it doesn't, I go into withdrawal.
I really need to stop contacting her.
I keep trying to get her to understand that the only reason our relationship ended was because she chose to continue drinking, even after all the chances I gave her to quit. She doesn't seem to understand that or to acknowledge that, and I don't know it she ever will. There no point in continuing to try.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:30 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I keep trying to get her to understand that the only reason our relationship ended was because she chose to continue drinking, even after all the chances I gave her to quit. She doesn't seem to understand that or to acknowledge that, and I don't know it she ever will. There no point in continuing to try.

Whether or not she will admit it, she knows. She has made her choice.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:40 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Sorry to hijack a little but turning it slighty.

My AHGF is in the middle of recovery and still wants me as I want her but I can relate to the txt message fix etc.
I'm backing off to allow her space and trying to take some of my own. But she (sober now 4 weeks) says she need daily contact with me to help her.
But this isn't helping me what do I do??
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:44 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by phineas View Post
I keep trying to get her to understand that the only reason our relationship ended was because she chose to continue drinking, even after all the chances I gave her to quit. She doesn't seem to understand that or to acknowledge that, and I don't know it she ever will. There no point in continuing to try.
This is very honest of you. You recognize that you want validation/recognition for her. Most of the people here will tell you that you'll probably have to learn to find validation in yourself, because your partner won't ever give that to you. She may, sometime in the future, admit it to you, but by then (heck, even by now), you won't be able to trust what she says.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:45 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GeordieNJC View Post
Sorry to hijack a little but turning it slighty.

My AHGF is in the middle of recovery and still wants me as I want her but I can relate to the txt message fix etc.
I'm backing off to allow her space and trying to take some of my own. But she (sober now 4 weeks) says she need daily contact with me to help her.
But this isn't helping me what do I do??
Hi Geordie...I recommend starting your own thread, in order to keep phineas' thread on track.
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:31 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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No contact is really hard, but sometimes needed to create the space to peace
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:54 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

If there’s one thing we all have in common it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes—a lay off, a break up, a transfer.

We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in.

It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

Experiencing Without Attachment
Accept the moment for what it is. Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

Believe now is enough. It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

Call yourself out. Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment. When you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

Define yourself in fluid terms. We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

Enjoy now fully. No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity—aim for quality, instead. Attach to the idea of living well moment-to-moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

Letting Go of Attachment to People
Friend yourself. It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people—not just how they make you feel about yourself.

Go it alone sometimes. Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

Hold lightly. This one isn’t just about releasing attachments—it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

Interact with lots of people. If you limit yourself to one or two relationships they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

Justify less. I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

Letting Go of Attachment to the Past
Know you can’t change the past. Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

Love instead of fearing. When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear: fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

Make now count. Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

Narrate calmly. How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

Open your mind. We often cling to things, situations or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes
Practice letting things be. That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

Question your attachment. If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job, the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

Release the need to know. Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

Serve your purpose now. You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

Teach others. It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings
Understand that pain is unavoidable. No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Vocalize your feelings. Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

Write it down. Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

Xie Xie. It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: it will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

Yield to peace. The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

Zen your now. Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s OK. It’s human nature.

Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace and love.

The most important question: what do you choose right now?
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Old 09-15-2010, 10:01 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Thanks Summerpeach. I am printing your post.
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Old 09-15-2010, 10:07 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Thank you for this:



Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
yes, it can be love. Not every dam*n feeling is codependency. It's ok to love someone and it's ok to miss them
And for this:


Not all addicts are useless scabs that are never worthy of love in case they relapse.


phineus, I do hope you start to feel better soon. Let yourself grieve, but look towards the future too!
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Old 09-15-2010, 01:35 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Phin: hugs, I feel your pain.
yes, it can be love. Not every dam*n feeling is codependency. It's ok to love someone and it's ok to miss them
I left my ex, but that doesn't mean he's not worthy of my love and because I miss the great times we had, it doesn't mean it's codependecy, It means I'm human and have human feelings and miss the good side of the person.

If your ex not willing to get into a program, I'm afraid the relationship would only be much of the same. If she is willing to get help, then you can see.

Not all addicts are useless scabs that are never worthy of love in case they relapse. That's like saying codies are not worthy of love or relationships in case we relapse.
He*ll, some person without addictions can relapse and turn out to be some nut as well

Take care of you for now
u just say the right things for me summer thank u for this post going threw rough times sorry for the hi jack just not up to posting right now x
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Old 09-16-2010, 02:48 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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just got back from an Al Anon meeting. It's my 4th one. So far I'm not getting anything from it. It's too spiritual for my liking, but I'm going to keep going.
posted by Phineas

IF this AL ANON group does nothing for you...go to another group...it is healthy to go from group to group...each one is different from the other...somethings YOU like, and some things YOU dont..all natural...

Yes, it is new to you...Keep ONE foot infront of the other...! THE PROGRAM WORKS IF YOU WORK IT

I feel your pain...
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Old 09-16-2010, 02:49 PM
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I think my quote says it all...
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Old 09-17-2010, 10:42 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Well, she tried to contact me after a few days of no contact.
I sent her an email telling her that I need to go No Contact, as I am trying to move on and let go. She texted me back saying she agrees.
Now we'll see how long I can go without breaking.
I find myself randomly bursting into tears. I don't think I ever cried this much, not even when my dogs died.
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Old 09-17-2010, 10:57 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I think you are doing great phineas. The first little while of NC is always SO tough, but if you know you're going to be tempted...take steps to prevent it. Delete her number from your phone. Heck, give your phone to a friend for safe keeping. Delete and block her email. De-friend on Facebook or whatever.
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:16 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I did the same. Its your psyche cleansing - you are healing, remember-
I have been around SR for 2 years now - those who keep contact, always come back to SR, everytime more hurt...
You are now saved from further hurt. The pain will subside, and you'll smile again, I promise. Just some curves on the road, that's all- its NOT going to be like this forever.
Hugs,
TC999
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Old 09-19-2010, 06:08 PM
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It takes time. NC got easier for because XAH and I had less and less to talk about. He chose drinking and drugging over our marriage. He had plenty of oportunities to uit and would not....several tries at treatment and always came home and drank. We grew apart....wanted different stuff from life.
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