How to deal with an enabler?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 83
How to deal with an enabler?
When I first left my AH my MIL was very supportive. In fact she really encouraged me to leave and we have been talking weekly about how things are going. However as things have declined with AH and I she has turned into an enabler extraordinaire.
I’ve come to a point in my relationship where I know he’s not going to change and I simply can’t go back to living the way things were, but I’m not really to pull the plug and get divorced quite yet. I turned off my text messaging from him because I would receive 10 a day and he was using it as his only means of communicating important things with me. We also rarely talk and when we do it strained and forced.
On Friday MIL calls and asks me to talk to AH about going to rehab. I considered it for a second and then decided against it, been there done that already. Then yesterday MIL calls again this time to give me a message from AH that he will be transferring money that he owes me into my account and that she thinks I should consider turning my texts back on. Ok great super excited to get $$, if it shows. But HELLO you have your mommy call your wife!! @#$@$! @$%!#%!&
I got a bit short with her and she said that he didn’t want to call because he’s been sober for a couple of days and talking to me is always strained and nerve-racking. Plus he’s always calling me and I never call him!!@#$@$! @$%!#%!&
The whole thing left me totally miserable and feeling like a guilty piece of $@&%# that doesn’t care about her AH. Luckily I have a bit more perspective this morning, but I’m still feeling guilty and I know there are going to be more conversations with her to follow. How do you suggest I deal with her?
I’ve come to a point in my relationship where I know he’s not going to change and I simply can’t go back to living the way things were, but I’m not really to pull the plug and get divorced quite yet. I turned off my text messaging from him because I would receive 10 a day and he was using it as his only means of communicating important things with me. We also rarely talk and when we do it strained and forced.
On Friday MIL calls and asks me to talk to AH about going to rehab. I considered it for a second and then decided against it, been there done that already. Then yesterday MIL calls again this time to give me a message from AH that he will be transferring money that he owes me into my account and that she thinks I should consider turning my texts back on. Ok great super excited to get $$, if it shows. But HELLO you have your mommy call your wife!! @#$@$! @$%!#%!&
I got a bit short with her and she said that he didn’t want to call because he’s been sober for a couple of days and talking to me is always strained and nerve-racking. Plus he’s always calling me and I never call him!!@#$@$! @$%!#%!&
The whole thing left me totally miserable and feeling like a guilty piece of $@&%# that doesn’t care about her AH. Luckily I have a bit more perspective this morning, but I’m still feeling guilty and I know there are going to be more conversations with her to follow. How do you suggest I deal with her?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Why do you need to have more conversations with her about your husband? Why not tell her that you won't discuss him with her anymore and then if the conversations head in that direction, just say you have to go and then hang up. It doesn't do a lot of good to detach from your husband if you are still discussing him with his mother. You can put a stop to it.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Well ... good morning!
I'm thinking that it may be time to let mom know that this is
a different set of grown ups now,
and these choices are yours.
Give her the number for alanon - and tell her how much
it's helped you
understand
the disease
and your place in this situation?
Urge her to go as well.
TO ANOTHER MEETING,
OTHER SIDE OF TOWN>>>>
but she'd benefit from alanon as well.
I'm thinking that it may be time to let mom know that this is
a different set of grown ups now,
and these choices are yours.
Give her the number for alanon - and tell her how much
it's helped you
understand
the disease
and your place in this situation?
Urge her to go as well.
TO ANOTHER MEETING,
OTHER SIDE OF TOWN>>>>
but she'd benefit from alanon as well.
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