HoopNinja

Well, stbxah has returned again today with a new set of lies in attempt to make me look like I am severely emotional unstable.

He is using the kids to make me mad by filing them with all his hatred. Yesterday, I got mad until I realized what he was doing.

He is relentless he will not give up. I am writiing to my lawyer to defend myself (so it is costing me a fortune) and I should not have to because I did not do anything wrong.

Even when this divorce is over, he will not be gone because of the kids. I need to protect my kids from the lunatic and totally disengage-which is diffcult because he has the right to see the kids and do whatever he wants when he has them.

Right now he has created such chaos that only HP can sort through all of it and straighten it out--and that is what I am trying to do. Let go. It is hard when my kids are involved.

NoDaybutoday

Oh Wife, I'm so sorry you have to deal with his never ending crap. I totally agree with you: this is a case of let go and let God, even if your kids are concerned. God has them in his hands and he'll be looking out for you. Things are precarious now, because you're just on the edge of divorce, so STBXAH is revving up the insanity.

Whatever happens, you know that time will march on, as it usually does, and your children will grow up to understand that parenting is not a popularity contest; it's about who's there, day in and day out...and that's you. And even before they're grown, they'll quickly realize that you aren't the one spewing the hatred, their father is.

Hold on. You're going to make it through this!

LaTeeDa

There is only so much you can control. You cannot control his actions. I know you know that. You are extricating yourself from his tentacles and that is the right thing to do. Keep doing the next right thing, and remember there is a special place in hell for those who use and abuse children.

((()))

L

suki44883

W2K...I am so sorry you are having to deal with such a monster. I completely understand what you are feeling. I was once married to someone very much like that. I wish I could give you some useful advice, but all I can say is to do your best to keep the lines of communication open with your children. It's so hard when one parent doesn't play by the rules, but you have to do what is right where the kids are concerned.

Maybe your thoughts about getting an ad litem for the kids is the best thing. True, it will drag the divorce out longer, but it also might be the only thing that will ensure that their interests are at the forefront. If he is going to use the children, then making him have to jump through hoops to do so is one thing you can do.

Duped

Honestly - do you know how I put a stop to this? Through mediation. My exAGF made up all sorts of unsubstantiated stuff about me in order to dangle my child in front of me, namely that I was hard on her in the early stages when our child was still very young. My lawyer suggested that she bring this stuff up during mediation, so that she could find closure with it, and that we would counter with the evidence that we had confirming her drinking issues during that time and her regular alcohol consumption which was the reason why I was supposedly 'hard on her'. She clammed up pretty quickly given the evidence that we had proving my end of things. Including her 30 day stint in rehab, amongst other things a DUI, emails apologising for getting drunk, also admitting regular weekly drinking stints with her friends..... - all documented proof of her issues with substance abuse.

HoopNinja

We did mediation--part of the final order was that neither of us consumer alcohol or controlled substances duing or 12 hours before placement. Has not been a problem for me since I have never been much of a drinker to begin with (my mom was an alcoholic and nasty-I never wanted to wind up like her--I think that is why I don't drink). It also stated that neither of us was supposed to denigrate the other or use the other to send messages to the other parent. I am following the order. He is not. All I can do is ask my attorney to file a contempt motion. However, he has had lots of practice hiding his addictions because he has been a church musician for close to 30 years and he does not want anyone in the church to find out. He did outpatient quite awhile back, attended AA once and came home and told me "I am not one of those people" and that was the end of that.
I have thought of hiring a private investigator. It is that or eventually call social services or get a guardian ad litem involved. THe divorce is less than a week away. He has the kids again tonight. I called him today because older DS felt a little sick this morning. I told him I could not make an appt. for urgent care during the day and he was civil and said he would take him tonight.
I think he has a severe personality disorder. He is perfectly reasonable some days and then a complete raging lunatic the next.
I am documenting as much stuff as possible now. The email he sent me yesterday-yikes. The man in a whack job.

Duped

Tape record phone conversations if you must.

Or dispense with phone talk altogether and go to email - that is what I did, and my exAGF was spiteful and vindictive enough to latch onto it with a vengeance - and in doing so, incriminated herself beyond belief. Unfortunately, it sucks, but when someone is bent on slandering you incessantly, these are the only ways to fight back.

Parallel parenting is the way to go perhaps.

I am lucky - my ex is neither good at hiding her addiction, nor is she bright enough to not incriminate herself in an email. Yours however will take a little more diligence on your part.

Hold onto the email he sent you yesterday. It really is lousy when one parent won't play fairly and I know how it feels. Luckily, a lot of what they say is pulled out of the ether.

Bolina

Can you get in touch with a local refuge type place and see if they are able to point you in the right direction for information?

Can I also suggest reading some forums relating to families of those with narcisstic personality disorders? I've lost the bookmark for the one I read a few years ago, but I can't tell you how informative it was for dealing with manipulative behavior. I'm not all that fussed about labels because there is so much overlap, I am not qualified to diagnose anyone and, quite frankly, I don't care why he was like he was - I just wanted to know how to deal with that pattern of behavior. What seemed so chaotic and scary suddenly became entirely predictable and I was able to take back my power.

Off topic for this thread but related to one you did a few days ago about confronting the pastor that was involved in your wedding. Am I right in remembering that your children are adopted? Was that facilitated through the same church? Sorry for prying, I just wondered if that could be a very good reason to have a discussion with that pastor.

HoopNinja

No, stbxah quit that job and at the next church is where we adopted our first son and then he quit the job and it was at the following church when we adopted our 2nd son. After he quit that job-I stopped going to church with him.