My Mother

Old 09-12-2010, 06:57 PM
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My Mother

I CANNOT wait for tomorrow's Al-Anon meeting! I am finally more than ready to go! I have been reading posts of married women who are finding the strength, or so many who have already found the strength to leave their husbands.

I never realized how truly angry I am at my mother for staying with my father all of these years. For letting him raise us while she was a work-a-holic, and he would drink while watching us. For knowing that he abused us both physically and verbally. For not letting us have a childhood, because she thought that staying with him was in our best interest. For the fact that I will never have a real father, a father to comfort me or that I even feel comfortable in the same room with. For the fact that because of the way I grew up I have NO idea how to have healthy relationships and will have to fight for my entire life just to figure that out. I know this is whiny, but it hurts me more than anything and has for my entire life. I cannot wait for the day that I have acceptance of this. I think I do sometimes but I never realized HOW much I stuffed down all these years. How much I did not let myself feel.

Now I am grown up, sort of, but don't feel like it. Inside of me is still that child, scared, sad, and really ******* angry. His drinking is only getting worse, he is disabled with bone on bone arthritis and cannot work. He starts drinking whiskey at 11am every day. He usually is a happy drunk. It's when he's not drinking that he's the worst. A couple of times a week I get to hear how I should go get hit by a truck, it's my fault for what he does, I'm stupid, etc. He argues like a 14 year old boy, not a father. I get to be home alone with him all day with my 3 month old. I try to avoid him as best as I can. I hope to be able to get out of here as soon as I have the money to get my own place, I cannot stand to watch him deteriorate. I may harbor negativity towards him, but I still do love and pity him.

My mother will never leave him. I love her so much. I have no idea what I'd do without her. She is a sweet, kind, caring, giving person who puts everyone else before herself. She tells me she craves being loved, having someone to hold her. (They have different bed rooms.) Someone who appreciates her and won't put her down every two seconds. But she has accepted that this is her life, he is her problem, and that their only assets are things that they have together like this house and the cars. She says she is too old, she is 56, and doesn't have the energy to sort this out. She will never give him an ultimatum. It infuriates me that she is lying down and settling for an unfulfilled life. She deserves so much more than this. She doesn't do anything to help herself, and I know I can't persuade her otherwise. She is constantly so stressed that I fear she may have a heart attack.

I just needed to vent. I don't know how much I'll be able to speak tomorrow, but I am definitely looking for ANYTHING else to help. Just being in the same room with people who understand I'm sure will be of great comfort.
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:05 PM
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Hugs to you, Missb. I know there are a lot of people here who will give you great words of wisdom about your situation. You are in my prayers.
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