FreeBird09

In a desperate attempt to get my lawn cut, I reached out to my drunk of a step father to use his push mower, considering each and every one that I have isn’t working… and since I am no small engine repair mechanic I haven’t much choice but to accomplish this task in some way, besides getting a goat, or eating the grass myself.

The other day, while he was drunk, he offered for me to use his push mower… whenever I needed it. I called my Mom today and said I needed it… she said, well you have to ask him… ok, no biggie, just the other day we agreed upon my use of it… besides, my little brother, his and my mothers son together…. Was given a new riding mower, a boat, and other very expensive goods…just for existing. (which I am truly happy that he has parents)

The step father wouldn’t even get on the phone with me, it’s one of his sober days therefore he isn’t in any mood to speak with ME… the step child (albeit I have been his stepchild for the last 38 years!!) He said, WHAT DOES SHE WANT (his voice makes me cringe)… my Mom relayed, the use of the lawn mover… his response… NOPE!! End of story, NOPE was his answer.

For some ungodly reason that NOPE was as if every broken promise from every drunk in my life swirled around at that single moment and I felt as if I was going to crash and burn. I am tired. I am so horribly feeling hurt that this activity is STILL going on. I want to never speak to another one of these people again. It’s as if I am ostracized because I am NOT a user and abuser of some form of ingestible substance, or in any physical way towards myself or others. I feel like the ODD BALL OUT!. I am left out of a lot of family activities because I refuse to PRETEND to be like them. THEY shake their heads at ME as if I am living life wrong.

I am lonely, I feel as if I don’t have a family, and that this recovery from being like them is sucking the life out of me… as now I am starting from SCRATCH… including new friends, who are now closer to me then the people I have always (loved??)… been dependent upon to treat me with disregard and disgust. I know this will be good, some day… but for today I am very lost, very tearful, and afraid… I don’t feel that I am in any place to ever be a part of their life… and is it all over a lawn mower? NOPE!. Just like he said, NOPE it’s not… it’s years and years of abuse that I am so very tired of. Don’t count me last as if to throw me a bone, I am worth the entire bag of bones!.

I really am sad though. Truly feel as if another part of who I was, is so very gone. I really grasp the meaning of ‘one day at a time’, as for today… it will be one second at a time. I have lost (by virtue of actions) every person in my life, and have no one remaining of my original family, with the exception of my children.

Am I wrong for pulling out and pulling away? It’s family, after all. Should I just nod my head and suck it up? I feel like I am going to collapse under the decisions that I am making, but I feel like I will die if I don’t. (not REALLY die, but.. In essence, a part of who I believe I am … inside). I am really tired of the remarks about how the beatings I received at the hands of my step father, and Mom weren’t THAT bad, albeit it must be more on their mind, over guilt, as I don‘t even utter a word to ANYONE about what they did to me..… (I don’t know how many little girls get pulled down a hallway by the hair, punched in the face, and clothes ripped off… all before the age of 14, while her natural Mom sits there laughing when begged to call the cops to make it stop… )

I am so sad today.

Sasha4

I'm sorry for how you are feeling.

You don't deserve to feel like that at all.

I wish I had more words of advice for you.

All I can say is that your worth better. You are not an oddball, really you are not.

You are not wrong for pulling away from them. Just because they are family, it is not license to treat you badly or keep their word.

Personally, I think your mother should hang her head in shame that she did not stick up for you. What a disgrace she is.

Could your brother not lend you his mower?

You take care of yourself.

xx

Pelican

(((FreeBird)))

I am sorry. I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry that you were disappointed by your family.

I'm glad you aren't a goat. Maybe another solution will present itself in the next few days.

In the meantime, you are loved by your children and your SR family. We want whats best for YOU. If that means detaching from your mom and step dad, then so be it.

FreeBird09

Sasha... thank you. My Mother 'forgets' what has happened, besides she is living with an active alcoholic... she cries ALL THE TIME because of this man.. but, I can't help her just as much as she couldn't help and protect her children.. because abuse is like a blanket or mask over the eyes, no one can see the effects until it has damaged people beyond imagination.. and then denial is the only resonable option. (not how I live, but.. I can see it from her.. and I VOWED I would NEVER be like my Mother..). My brother is like his father.. very self absorbed. <shrugs shoulders, with a frown>..

Pelican.. solution.. my son, even though him and I had a run in a year ago.. about his drinking (and other stuff), has come to the rescue. He is coming over.. FINALLY.. to fix ONE of the 4 mowers I have in my yard.. and cutting the grass. I guess I just had to cry about it? Not right at all.. actually, now that I think about it.. hummmm..

Thank you for the love.. SR.. has been that family... I never really had. I think, where do I run to when I need advice... HERE>. not to any of my family.. born to me.. sad.. but I am so grateful I found SR nearly 2 years ago now.. I feel I have come a long way, but at times.. I slide backwards.. and hurt..

I am starting Co-Dependent No More .. all over again. I need to see where I was, where I am at, and where I want to be.. I am a work in progress.. but.. today.. I am really not a happy camper...