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he's missing, again.

Old 09-11-2010, 07:26 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Oh you can post every single detail here all right. Lord knows I've done it. You'll get help here too, all you can handle, we're codependent, remember, we LOVE helping others

now he says he's having second thoughts and doesn't want to go with his family. I know this is because we've been together 11 years, and staying seems easier than leaving. He's not very good at difficult things or new things.
I don't know the WHY of why A's do this, but you'll see this story over and over again. Naive is pretty good at translating alcoholic speak, maybe she'll show up and help us. I think the real issue is that they don't believe we mean it. So we have to show them.

Please keep posting. It helps me, that's for sure.
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Old 09-11-2010, 08:34 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Oh you can post every single detail here all right. Lord knows I've done it. You'll get help here too, all you can handle, we're codependent, remember, we LOVE helping others

Please keep posting. It helps me, that's for sure.
Ha! Thanks. It really does help to just get it out rather than mull over it by myself. I told him he needs to make a decision ASAP because he will need to set up intake interviews for inpatient this week. His parents are coming to visit on Monday and are leaving the following Sunday, so he will either need to be in a program or in their car by Sunday. I am not going to wait around for him to dither about, or not get accepted to a program, and then start the cycle all over again.

That's another problem--the stupid inpatient programs keep denying him admittance because they say he doesn't qualify, or that our insurance won't cover it (yet--inpatient is covered under our insurance). So at least now he can say he's failed out of two outpatient programs, I guess, so maybe that will help get him into inpatient?

Tomorrow is D-Day (decision day), when he starts calling programs or starts calling his family to decide where he wants to go. The only decision I get to make is kicking him out. So it will be nice to get this over with as well.

Thanks again, everyone!
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Old 09-11-2010, 08:39 PM
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You've got a great plan for yourself!
You are going to LOVE the peace~
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Old 09-11-2010, 11:15 PM
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FYI

Salvation Army has an EXCELLENT Rehab, Inpatient program and it is FREE.

Google Salvation Army for an address in your area and then put it on a piece of paper and hand it to him an another 'Inpatient' program he can 'apply' for.

Stick to your guns, you are making some excellent choices for you and believe it or not, for him.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-12-2010, 02:15 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Phlegmatic,

Just wanted to lend my support.

I know it's probably cold comfort, but you sound like you're being at once very level-headed and very loving. I'm going to hazard a guess that you're the sensible type, the one that others depend upon--so just a friendly reminder that it's okay for you to get some support too, whether from friends or from a therapist or your church or whatever.

Thinking of you.
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:34 AM
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i have found OFTEN that an addict will say he/she will go to treatment in order to keep the status quo on the home front. then they will sometimes even go. the problem is that if the true motivation isn't there, what they are sitting in (the treatment) doesn't sink in, and if little bits of it do sink in, it doesn't seem to stick.

this is a generalization, and not meant to say "not gonna work, phleg!" or be otherwise negative. but if you can not get your hopes up, it may be helpful down the road.

i like the suggestion of the salvation army program. it is long-term, and especially good for someone who is already out of work, since you do the program AND you work about a 40-hour per week job with them as well. it is terrific discipline. they do want to turn the guys into "saved" kinds of christians - imo - but if that doesn't sit well with a client, oh well. take what you like and leave the rest.
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Old 09-12-2010, 09:33 AM
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Wow, thanks again for the support and information! I had no idea that the Salvation Army does rehab. We have been a bit stuck on the rehab because our insurance only works in-state, and he will be going out of state.

So yeah, we talked today and he said he is now leaning towards going out of state to stay with his folks. Now I can point him to the Salvation Army if he wants to do inpatient while he's there.

I think this is a good step because he has so many problems--hates where we live, maybe wants to end our relationship, alcoholism...so at least going away will help with two of the three of them. Then he can decide if he wants to deal with his alcoholism.

We had been seeing a counselor and I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks...I am going to make an appointment for after he leaves.

Thanks again, everyone.
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Old 09-12-2010, 09:39 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Everyone's experience with dealing with an alcoholic loved one is different, but in a lot of ways, they are very much the same, too.

As my ex alcoholic boyfriend's drinking progressed, he began to disappear at times, too. But for much longer periods than what you're dealing with today. Although he was no longer living with me at the time, he would go from calling me every day to completely falling off the map. He not only stopped calling me, but friends and family would call and tell me they hadn't seen or heard from him in weeks, either.

The first time he said his cell phone was turned off for lack of payment and he didn't have the money to get it turned back on. But not one call to anyone he knew for several months? I knew he was lying. I don't know what happened to him during those months, but one day he just called me like nothing was wrong--no explanation offered other than the lack of money excuse.

The second time he fell off the map his friends and family called me again looking for him. I didn't hear from him for several months. Then one night the phone rang and it was him--calling from an inpatient rehab facility. Apparently someone found him wandering around his parking lot with a head injury and took him to the hospital. He was treated and moved to inpatient rehab.

This was followed by a third disappearance. Only this time, I stopped fretting so much about where he was and what might be happening to him. It had become his pattern. I tried to reassure myself that he was probably in another inpatient rehab facility and did my best to go on with my life and let go of my worries.

But this time proved to be his final binge. I don't know what the disappearance of your husband means in your case, but based on my experience it's not a good sign. It's just another indication of the progression of the addiction.

It's been my experience that an active addict will say anything his partner needs to hear in order to protect their ability to drink without interruption. Claims of I'll get help or I'll change are common but rarely followed up with action on the part of the alcoholic.

When it comes to active addicts, I've learned two things:

(1) It's safe to assume that they are always under the influence of their drug of choice and

(2) It's safe to assume that they are always lying to their friends, family, and loved ones.

It's been three years since my boyfriend passed away. Watching him self destruct shattered my life into a million little pieces. And here I am today still trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all.

Your partner isn't the only one being harmed by his drinking. Every time he makes a promise he doesn't keep, every time he lies to you, every time he goes missing and makes your heart skip a beat and your mind play tricks on you, he's chipping away at you, too, mind, body, and soul. It breaks my heart to see this happening to others and know that I can't save them from themselves. No one deserves to live like this and nobody has to. It is a choice people make to lead happy, peaceful lives or to invite chaos into their lives.

I hope you'll stick around here for a long time. I have a feeling you're going to be needing a lot of support as you sort things out and decide what's right for you.
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Old 09-12-2010, 09:55 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Thank you for sharing, FormerDoormat.

I have started assuming everything he says is a lie, but sometimes I forget that and I let myself hope. I will feel a bit comforted, though, knowing he is going somewhere safe with his family. Assuming he stays there.

I know I'm letting my happiness depend too much on what happens to him...I'm going to post a video on a new thread about "being alone" that I think will be of interest outside of this thread.
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Old 09-12-2010, 10:10 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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well, you Will have some breathing room...time apart from the madness has a wonderful way of clearing the mind and letting us get to know ourselves in a sane, peaceful home.
It's priceless
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Old 09-12-2010, 10:26 AM
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now he says he's having second thoughts and doesn't want to go with his family. I know this is because we've been together 11 years, and staying seems easier than leaving. He's not very good at difficult things or new things.
translation: "i am much more comfortable here in the house drinking, with you paying for everything. it is well worth your nagging me about drink to have a roof over my head and shaving gel in the bathroom."
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Old 09-12-2010, 11:42 AM
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See?!? I told you Naive has the magical translator! She's a bad a$$ too, wait till you hear HER story...
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Old 09-12-2010, 11:45 AM
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I know...I cracked up....after all these years I can't translate but then I read hers and it is like DUH!
LOL
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Old 09-12-2010, 01:27 PM
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Ha! Thanks, Naive. That is pretty much it.

I am now "talking him into" going to stay with his family, in a loving way, because we both need the time apart. So this afternoon, the big project is to actually call his folks to set this up. He keeps putting it off...but once he comes back from the laundromat he is gonna make that call.
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Old 09-12-2010, 02:06 PM
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hi plegmatic-

glad you enjoyed the translator! it's a hard-won talent of mine learned from sleeping with my wallet under my pillow in the guest room of my own home!

the problem with a plan that relies on an alcholic doing something, is that many times, they don't do anything (as i'm sure you know).

yours sounds quite resourceful in getting drink. i wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't go to his family, as that would require him to get out of his comfort zone.

you might have to take further action on your part to motivate him to leave. if it was me, i would totally cut him off from all money, stop buying anything at all for him, like food he likes, turn off the cable tv, drop his name from the car insurance, etc.

i would stop "taking care" of him in any way that you currently do...things like laundry, cooking, sharing a bed, reminding him of his appointments...

you could even start eating outside of your home, so that he is left to fend totally for himself. why not pick up a big healthy salad at the grocery store and eat it at your work prior to coming home for the evening? mix it up a bit. make plans for yourself to do something for yourself...go have a swim or visit with a friend...see a movie...

i even put a lock on the phone so that no one could make phone calls without a code.

he's probably not going to go easy. i hope he does, but it already sounds as if he is dragging his feet.

it sounds as if it's time to take care of you.

mine didn't understand plain talk, but he surely understood when i stopped buying food! i begged so long for him to do something, but he certainly understood when i took his name off the insurance and he couldn't drive anymore.

i know that for so long, i said i would leave or do something but never did. mine assumed that i would always do this. but really, enough is enough and if yours is creative enough to sell his stuff to fund his drink, i would imagine he won't starve to death.

or, maybe he'll get so hungry, he'll be rushing to call his family...

another thing i learned here which helped me enormously was the phrase:

"stop giving him a soft place to land"

let us know how it goes!

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