CircleInTheSea

After what feels like the hundredth argument this week, AH and I 'had it out' via text message this afternoon after he apologized for his behavior, however, I'm sorry was just not enough today (needless to say, I've not been too productive at work today....). I told him I was just plain tired of his behavior, and listed several examples of what I was tired of. I didn't tell him I wanted him to quit drinking. I just called him out on all the rotten things he has said and done this past month alone and I'm just tired of it. At this time, he is telling me that I don't understand his problem and that I haven't tried to help or listen, that I'm being selfish and that any advice or suggestions I've given to help himself aren't for him, they're only in my best interest. He says he hates himself and feels guilty for what he is doing, but 'thanks for making him feel so terrible, and beating him up about it'. I reminded him that this isn't a reason to treat me like garbage. That I can't talk to him about his problems because he has been nicely hidden in a bottle for the past month.
I'm gathering my courage. I can only put off going home for another 30 mins or so and then I have to go home and take care of the kids, clean house, and face the dragon (as it were...).
I'm going to receive silent treatment.
I'm going to be told I don't care and am heartless and that I haven't tried to help.
I'm going to cry.
It's just plain gonna suck.
But...
I'm not going to give in.
He gets help, or he gets out. I. AM. DONE.
I can not live like this anymore, be treated like this anymore, be disrespected like this anymore, especially in front of my children.
*sigh*
This is one of many things I've been scared of, and I think I'm at the point where even though I'm scared, there's no more avoiding it. This place hurts, sucks, and I don't want to be here. But I want to be better more. We're headed for one of those conversations that once things are said, they can't be taken back. I'm drawing a pretty big line in the sand.

Jadmack25

Ok, Circle....am praying hard for you to do as you want and need right now.

God bless

Live

I am sorry you are going home to such ugliness.
I imagine you are just completely drained and tired from it.
That sick knot of dread that builds up....
I hope you will find a peaceful path for yourself and your children,
we get so used to all the crap we don't realize what it costs us,
but you can get used to coming home to calm and smiles again too!
Pointless arguments are......pointless.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

groybin

Dearest Circles..

My heart goes out to you and your children. Home should be a place of peace, a sanctuary from all the hurts and disappointments of the world.

What you are doing takes courage.

Please keep us posted! We are here for you.

sesh

I wish you strength.
I hope it all goes well for you.
Just think of the nice quiet times you'll be having with your kids, no drunken madness any more. Believe me when I tell you, you can not imagine yet, utill you get there, how beautiful it is to have that peace, when your day doens't depend on someone's drinking moods.
Get ready to get happy!!!

transformyself

Well, your story is mine.

This really jumped out at me. I think I can shift into letting the little girl in me take over and when that happens I want AH to take care of ME.

I see my recover in stages. One stage occurred when I realized AH couldn't or wouldn't meet my needs the way I wanted him to. I stayed stuck there for years, feeling abandoned and in pain.

Then I shifted into the next stage, which is to parent myself. Take responsibility for ensureing my needs are met. It's scary for someone like me, but I had already tried trying to get my AH to give a rats ass about my feelings. Like, for 10 years. Doesn't work.

So, I articulated my boundaries and needs to myself. A lot. Until I was absolutly sure of them. Then I started making them happen. And guess what? it's an amazing, wonderful thing. It makes me FEEL BETTER to stand up for myself, create boundaries I am comfortable with and take care of my own needs.

I feel like a grown up now in many ways. And when I embrace taking responsibility for my own feelings, in all sorts of ways, wonderful things happen.

CircleInTheSea

Well...he's still 'here', but I don't think he got the point. He apologized, said he needed to do better and would, kissed me on the forehead and started making dinner. 'La, la, all is better'. I don't know if I just wasn't assertive enough, or if it's something that I just have to wait until he's crossing the lines again, or what. I do know that this morning was no different from any other morning when he overslept, grumbled and complained, told me I had misplaced his work clothes....etc, etc. I'm not quite sure how else to make it clear other than to actually serve him with divorce papers when (I had 'if' here for a second- HA!, there is no if, that's a hard habit for me to break...) his behavior continues. I don't believe for a second that he is going to get any real help, and I am serious. I do not want to deal with his behavior at all any more.

dollydo

Must say that "A's" can be abstractly stupid, by choice.

So, if you are really serious, I'd say that you need to see an attorney.

Do what is best for you and your children.

wicked

and astoundingly stupid, i am a recovering alcoholic and have been married to it.
so, yes, act like it never happened and move on.


nope, not this time circleinthesea.
:ghug3

barb dwyer

Oh, I'd be willing to be he 'got it'.
And now he's gonna play nice
because he thinks you'll back down.

You're at the part of the 'used car salesman' tactic
they call the 'wearing 'em down' portion.

be all nice - nice, then go back to whatever
when he thinks he's 'paid' for the next drunk.

YThe only thing that has to change is everything.

This isn't change.
It's .... prestidigitation ...
(distracting with one hand
while the other hand hides the item)

He's USED to running the show.
He's all calm and sweetie
cuz this very tactic
has obviously worked before.

Yep.

"I'm looking thru you, you haven't changed!"
(Beatles)

sesh

I agree with others.
he doesn't want to hear you. And why should he? What you already have is great for him.
Aslo, JMO, but I'd bet if you keep stating your case, you should expect nice turning to hurt, than angry, and any other behaviour that got you reacting in the past.
If you really want him to move out, you will really have to stick to your guns and not respond to any of his behaviours.
I think it can be helpful remembering his behaviour is not really personal, he is just trying to get what he wants, at least that was my experience.
Keep your mind clear and take care
HUGS

CircleInTheSea

Well, yesterday was trying. Apparently, since he has 'given up drinking for me' I am expected to put up with total crap behavior. So far I'm staying the course and sticking to my boundaries. As it sinks in each time I tell him no or walk away from horrible behavior, he's been less nice, hurt and I'm expecting angry by tonight. Still not sure what will happen. Time will tell...

nodaybut2day

Is there a reason why you can't just go ahead and file for separation? I mean, waiting for him to mess up and get blotto again is like waiting for a nuclear bomb to go off in your living room...really stressful.

IDK, sometimes it just feels good to say "I'm done. It's over. Moving right along".

CircleInTheSea

I've held off on separation for so long for a couple of reasons. I want him to get better, so I put it off. It's 'for the kids'. 'We're not that bad', "I still love him', all the 'regular' reasons. Then there's the more real reasons like 'I'm having a hard time reconciling with myself that I'm about to be a single parent when I never wanted to be one', I never wanted to be divorced, and the embarrassment (that I don't want to feel) of a 'failed' marriage. There's still the naggling 'I knew what I was getting into when I married a "recovering (I suspect now that he was just really a dry-drunk)" alcoholic'. I have a few financial reasons, but it's hitting the point that I would rather have crappy credit and rent for the next 10 years than 10 more years of up/down cycles with AH. If AH actually moved out today, I think I could swing by in my current house and not lose it, but I wouldn't be able to pay his medical bills that are under my insurance, and it really would be scraping by until I could sell the house for a loss. I'm 99% sure that he wouldn't pay his bills, or give me money for the mortgage that his name is also on. It would be a sob story of 'you asked for this so deal with it'. I also don't know about custody of kids. I'm 'upstanding' and all, but he doesn't really have anything that a court would object over in giving him as much right to his children as he pressed for....

Pelican

I am sorry your home is so stressful. I hope you find the way to a peaceful home soon for yourself and your children.

Have you spoken with an attorney? I consulted two attorneys (free) to get answers about what to expect and what my rights were in our state. Getting the answers helped keep my mind from "stinking thinking" and second guessing. It gave me peace of mind.

I am not aware of any active alcoholics that pressed for and received custody of their children. I am aware of active alcoholics bullying and threatening to fight for custody, but not usually willing to follow through with the threats. Threatening and bullying are methods of manipulation.

A lawyer will let you know what to expect with custody.

barb dwyer

out of all that you listed
that youi're not getting
and is why you're not throwing his stuff out the window-

how much of it is he doing now?

I mean really?

I'm not saying go do it right this second -
I'm just showing you where the other thinking takes over.

this is not a war.
which is what he's trying to turn it into.
to make you so unhappy you'll beg him to drink.

that's what children do.

you don't have to answer ...
I am not the one that needs to know.

But -
how much of all that - is he contributing now?

See, our ego (or whatever the hell it is)

sets up alll this 'I'm not gonna have the help' stuff

when in reality -
we're not getting the help anyhow.

I told man #4 -
"I'm spending way too much money
and I've got to cut my spending in half.

you have till Friday to get out."

veryregretful

What everyone is saying here is right.

My AH has been gone for almost two weeks.

My life was chaos with him here. Still is but a different kind. He would always make promises and break them. He had it made living here. Rent free, maid service, etc. I did it all for him. Worked, shopped, took care of kids, etc.

My AH has not job, money, place to live right now. I think he is living in my truck somewhere. He is under my insurance but I don't care if he doesn't pay his co-payments. They will look for him not me.

I might even have to pay him money every month. But the money I will have to give him will be worth it to me in the long run. Happiness. I may struggle more than I do now but at least I'm not going to have him to take care of two.

Good Luck and take care