FarawayFromCars

Had a good session with my therapist yesterday in which we discussed how I am not over my anger / hurt at AS...and I admit that's true. Part of me does not want a relationship with her again because I am afraid of being hurt again. I fear that she'll be drinking again. I don't know if I want to put myself in a situation in which I see her and she's drinking and it's emotionally detrimental to me. I feel stuck. I don't know how to "let go" of the anger and emotion I feel towards her. And that makes me feel like a bad person.

She sent me a letter and stickers saying how much she misses me...have not responded because in a way, I see it as a violation of my need for space. I had asked her to grant my request for space, but I know asking an active alcoholic for anything doesn't always work out.

I guess I'm also feeling confused about what kind of relationship I want with her.

Any experiences and / or thoughts welcome...thanks...

coyote21

I read that paragraph as manipulation, of course she misses you, but is guilt tripping you so she CAN see you/carry on and drink just like she always has.

Another thought that might help you some I got from, pretty sure it was the wise Bernadette, if not my apologies.

It is the fact that our alcoholics aren't JUST alcoholics. Being alcoholics is only one facet of their personas or their beings, it's not 100% who/what they are and doesn't define them.

I'd forgotten that my axw is someones daughter, mom, employee, friend, girlfriend, was smart and funny and quick witted and beautiful and a human being with feelings.

Now granted, alcoholism has robbed her of lots of that, and I imagine pretty soon it will take her life. But I try to look at her as not JUST an alcoholic, I'm not always successful.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

veryregretful

I'm trying to figure out how to let go. My AH has been gone a week. I'm angry, hurt, etc. One part of me wants him to come back but the other (which is stronger) is telling me not to have him come back because I don't want to be hurt again and again. Still have had no contact which is good. I did text him today that he should text the kids. (stupid I know) he texted them. But you know what, the text didn't come from him, it came from me. He has to do it on his own.

I would so much love to let him go but can't seem to do it. I guess time is my answer. It also just seems that everything reminds me of him. Making dinner, music, my clothing. Maybe because we have been together 20 something years.

wicked

FarAway,
My sister is addicted to oxycontins (or any opiate she can get really) she ruined our relationship last year by coming to my house and turning it upside down.
she owes me money, so I doubt I will be hearing from her.
But, I understand your confusion about what kind of relationship you want with her.
First, since she sent you things when you specifically asked for space, you must remember that is about her and her only, not about your relationship.
I would think when my sister can call me and say,
"you know beth, i really messed up with you. i take responsibility for disrupting your household and your life with my addiction. i caused you and your children harm and for that i am deeply sorry."
i would probably cry, and see if she was working an active program and welcome her back into my life as a sister. but not as a roommate! :rotfxko

we are only 16 months apart, and we both grew up with an alcoholic father, and she took more abuse than i did. she was outspoken, i knew that low profile was the way to go. i miss my friend, the woman i can laugh so hard with we both wet our pants (yeah, that age too) but she has to remember it takes two to make a relationship.

Beth

sorry for the rambling, i hope this makes some kinda sense.

barb dwyer

We get busy.

We do whatever is in front of us.

We make changes in the house
new paint, change furniture around - something
to make it 'ours'.

new dishes
(even from the second hand store does the trick)
flatware

different towels in the bathroom...

just whatever we can afford.

We get busy.
We go to meetings.
We invite someone out for coffee.
We do our step work with a sponsor.

We do whatever we need to do
to remember who we really are.

We are not half of a whole.
We are not a broken part
of someone else's puzzle.

We are complete within our selves without qualification or apology.

JenT1968

AS is your sister?

with a lot of practice and space, thats the only way I could let go, and slowly, slowly, it got easier to let go of the outcome of anothers choices. I didn't find it easy, or simple; it was a process, and I can still get spun out, but I re-align myself quicker.

you are not a bad person, you are a person experiencing some uncomfortable feelings, feelings that you might not know what to do with and don't like having around. I can't just "let go" of those feelings, any more than I can "let go" of feeling cold or hungry, I have to acknowledge them and feel them and work through them. (and no, I had no idea what people meant by working through feelings). Laurie (thaks!) advised writing them all out, writing out exactly what I was angry and sad and scared about, and going back to that when I needed to. It did help me let go of the anger, which was great. Not because it is a bad or wrong feeling, or made me a not-nice person, or was unfair on the person I was angry with. Anger is as useful and natural as love and joy and all those nice feelings, but I found that if I didn't take action (seperating myself from the person so that I didn't have new angry feelings to deal with, and trying to process the feelings) left me caught in a cycle of rage, which outlet at different and inappropraite triggers, leaving me sad and raw and exhausted.

coffeedrinker

"Letting Go" is the most difficult of all the concepts that we are trying to work, for me.

I wanted a step by step guide. "Just tell me what to do, and I will!!" Wish it worked that way.

The one and ONLY thing that worked in my favor, was to go no contact. More tricky if it is someone in your family, and not someone you may have to never see again. BUT, I think the principle is the same.

I kept feeling like I was getting sucked in every time there was contact. And what really did it for me, was when the light bulb went on over my head and I thought, "Man, I always feel crummy whenever there is an interaction." That's the moment I knew I had to do it. I cut off completely. And it worked its magic.

For you, hoping to have a future relationship with her, don't think of it as permanent. Just for now, just for today maybe even, you will not interact with her. This means no replies, as well as no outreaches. You will get the space you need, and then more clarity will come.

That's the only tool I have in this letting go thing at the moment.

We're here to support you along the way.

Live

sheeeeeesh!

I don't think you have had a moment's peace from this family affair...if it isn't her after you, it is your mother!

They are still testing your boundaries.
Remember you made those boundaries for your well-being and you deserve to be respected and treated fairly.
So, I suggegest being respectful and fair to yourself FIRST and foremost.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

HealingWillCome

Ditto, because Coffee said it better than I would have. Every day without contact is a day closer to serenity.

It hurts, it takes time, but it will happen.

And, ditto everything Barb said as well. Make changes. I understand how everything you do is a reminder of the other person. Changing your physical environment removes some of the triggers.

Peace to you. And hugs.

dollydo

To me, Live said it best. Your family is using every trick in the book to get you to do it their way.

If you do not talk to her for a year or two, it's only a very short amount of time in the overall spectrum of life.

I believe that I previously mentioned that I had to go no contact with my toxic alcoholic mother. The no contact lasted 10 years, it was the best thing I ever did, for me. She was destroying me, it had to stop, and, it did. She now respects my bounderies.

There are no easy answers, all I can do is relate my experience, what worked for me.

My Best!

Learn2Live

My brother and I were so "close." We survived childhood together. We had a bond. He was my best friend for as long as I could remember. We shared emotions and closeness and expressed all that. A few years ago, my description would have been completely different from what I just described. It would have been more dramatic, more deeply expressed, likely more desperate. Emotional, dramatic, intense. Because that is the way I used to THINK.

Until I let go.

I did not let go and let god because I had no higher power. But I let go completely because I saw myself in my usual reaction, the panic, the desperation, the needing to fix. And I recognized in that moment, that any and all involvement with him was turmoil, damaging, chaotic, unmanageable. But to him it was just a game.

He seemed to thrive on giving his responsibilities over to me. He seemed to come alive when something he said agitated me into action. And I decided at that single moment, No More. It was either HIM or ME. And I chose me.

With every alcoholic and every addict who has ever come into my life it has been the same. I try whatever ways I can to include or keep them in my life. It's practice, that's all. And as I practice, I adjust. Until it reaches a point where I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what I can control and what I can't.

I had to let go of the sentimentality. I had to change my definition of "best friend." I had to disregard all we had 'been through together.' I had to lose the illusion of what family should be like. I could keep going.

My advice is, just make up your mind what is the minimum you will accept in your relationship with her. Then, define your boundaries very clearly. Come up with and communicate the consequences of her breaking those boundaries.

Not sure if any of this is helpful. I hope something here is.

Take care of you.

veryregretful

I'm trying to let go. It's kind of hard with me as it is my AH and we have two children together and I'm living in the house the he basically built. Everything here reminds me of him. I did start last night by rearranging my bedroom. I put all his things that I could see and put them in the closet. I don't use it so I don't have to open it. I did not clean out his bureau drawers because to me that would be final. Just like taking my wedding rings off. I'm not ready for that. But little by little I can see myself letting go. As I change myself and how I react to his texting right now I see myself letting go. Slowly.
I went out tonight and he texted me about our dd. I thought it would affect me and I would take two steps backward but no. Not tonight.

I'm not sure if this helped you but it did help me by typing it.

LucyA

This is what worked for me. I didn't or wouldn't look at it as "letting go" of my brother, but as learning to respect myself and my own boundaries.
I learned, from SR, that if I didn't respect myself, my rules and my way of living my brother and my mother wouldn't, in fact they trampled all over me until I found the strength to look after my self.
Once they realised I meant what I said and stood by my boundaries things started to change.

barb dwyer

yep - I think Live has hit the marker.

Boundaries.

Maybe you never had any before,
so they don't respect that you mean this.

(if you DID try to make a boundary)
They never honored any boundary,
so they obviously think it doesn't MEAN for them,
just everyone else.

Maybe it's time to get CRYSTAL clear.
And stick to it.

n/c is just that.
we block the phone.
we write 'return to sender' on the envelope
we don't answer the door.

tuff.
(both to DO, and to live through)
but can be done.

transformyself

How do I let go?

Let's see, I've tried: overeating, sleeping with a hot Greek Blacksmith, ignoring AH and screaming at him.

The only thing that's worked for me is to recognize when I"m powerless and make the conscious choice to turn my attention elsewhere. When I turn it to my own damn life, and how to make it better right now, whatever that is, I succeed.

That and gratitude. Yeah, gratitude absolutely helps me overcome the fear that I'll never be happy, cause it puts happy into the present moment. Now that I'm getting better at letting go of my obsession with AH, I'm also using that skill with other things that used to drive me crazy. It's hard to explain, but it's sort of like I just shift into the letting go mode, now that I know what it's like. Now that I see it really is the only thing that eases my pain.

You can do it to. If I can, ANYONE can.

fourmaggie

again!! moment....