Waited too long????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
Waited too long????
I have been married to my AH for 16 years. I have accepted this form a living all this time, while remaining very depressed. I continue to support him and enable. While he sits around with no job (for over 7 years now) hoping to somehow get free money. He’s currently applying for SS disability and is sure he is going to get it.
He is verbally abusive, especially when drinking the “VO”. Is very loud and destructive. (Has broken my windshield, tossed the end table and broke glass, slammed and broke doors, threatens to break my computer, etc., etc.) He figures it’s better to break material things than hit me…!!! He has also threatened my life because I’m such a horrible person. I need to see a “shrink” not him. It’s very hard to love a person like this. Doesn’t he realize what he’s doing to me? How can he expect compassion and love from me? Yet he does……and since I don’t give it to him, that’s the problem in our marriage. If I would just give it to him, he would not be the way he is…. He just lays on the couch 24/7, which by the way is only two years old and needs to be thrown away.
Through all this I am raising a young teenage girl. I often think she will have regrets with me for not leaving him sooner. She hears what he says and does to me. We have left the house on several occasions for the night in fear of him--hoping the “material things” and our dog would be safe. I’m also afraid she will follow in my footsteps – I am actually teaching her! She however, wants us to divorce and often says, “I hate him” and “when are you going to divorce him”. She also totally refuses to go to Alateen or any sort of counseling. But then again, neither do I. I know that is what I need to do. I need to talk to people who understand what I’m going through. I have found a site that lists local meetings in my area (finally). I’m going to start to go to face to face meetings. I just need to pick a day and time. I am afraid, however that I may have “waited too long” to join.
In the meantime, my AH thinks if we divorced he is entitled to 50% of everything. Is that true? He has not contributed for sooo many years! If I had not paid the mortgage, we would have no house. Plus I would have custody of our daughter. He owes so much money – especially to his “dealer” which frightens me…as he keeps hounding us. What a way to live! My AH is always “hiding from him” and we have to constantly lie when the phone calls come in or he’s at our door. Any information on divorce laws in this situation would be greatly appreciated.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. The older I get the more I realize life is too short to not try to change if you have the power. I realize I do have choices and that I do not have to live like this. Yet it’s the actual “trying to change” that is so hard. My problem is the “pity” I will forever feel for my AH that has kept me with him all these years.
PS – I come to this site every day. It’s amazing how I can relate to so much and I have learned so much. I really enjoy coming here! Thank you!
jmf1127 a.k.a. Jacky
He is verbally abusive, especially when drinking the “VO”. Is very loud and destructive. (Has broken my windshield, tossed the end table and broke glass, slammed and broke doors, threatens to break my computer, etc., etc.) He figures it’s better to break material things than hit me…!!! He has also threatened my life because I’m such a horrible person. I need to see a “shrink” not him. It’s very hard to love a person like this. Doesn’t he realize what he’s doing to me? How can he expect compassion and love from me? Yet he does……and since I don’t give it to him, that’s the problem in our marriage. If I would just give it to him, he would not be the way he is…. He just lays on the couch 24/7, which by the way is only two years old and needs to be thrown away.
Through all this I am raising a young teenage girl. I often think she will have regrets with me for not leaving him sooner. She hears what he says and does to me. We have left the house on several occasions for the night in fear of him--hoping the “material things” and our dog would be safe. I’m also afraid she will follow in my footsteps – I am actually teaching her! She however, wants us to divorce and often says, “I hate him” and “when are you going to divorce him”. She also totally refuses to go to Alateen or any sort of counseling. But then again, neither do I. I know that is what I need to do. I need to talk to people who understand what I’m going through. I have found a site that lists local meetings in my area (finally). I’m going to start to go to face to face meetings. I just need to pick a day and time. I am afraid, however that I may have “waited too long” to join.
In the meantime, my AH thinks if we divorced he is entitled to 50% of everything. Is that true? He has not contributed for sooo many years! If I had not paid the mortgage, we would have no house. Plus I would have custody of our daughter. He owes so much money – especially to his “dealer” which frightens me…as he keeps hounding us. What a way to live! My AH is always “hiding from him” and we have to constantly lie when the phone calls come in or he’s at our door. Any information on divorce laws in this situation would be greatly appreciated.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. The older I get the more I realize life is too short to not try to change if you have the power. I realize I do have choices and that I do not have to live like this. Yet it’s the actual “trying to change” that is so hard. My problem is the “pity” I will forever feel for my AH that has kept me with him all these years.
PS – I come to this site every day. It’s amazing how I can relate to so much and I have learned so much. I really enjoy coming here! Thank you!
jmf1127 a.k.a. Jacky
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Jacky
I like to think that it's never too late. The first step in changing what's wrong in your life is accepting the problem. Then you have to do something about it. Have you spoken with social services in your area? Is there any free women's counseling you can get to find out what options are available to you? The computer is a great research tool. Try going on your state's web site and investigating what they have to offer.
As for pity, I feel sorry for you not for him. He has basically been a bum for seven years while you have struggled to work, pay bills and raise your daughter. I'm not sending an ounce of pity his way. But I will send up some prayers that he finds his way to recovery.
To you, I send hugs and hope that your situation will improve soon. Stick around. This is a great place to come for encouragement, support and hope.
Peace,
Gabe
As for pity, I feel sorry for you not for him. He has basically been a bum for seven years while you have struggled to work, pay bills and raise your daughter. I'm not sending an ounce of pity his way. But I will send up some prayers that he finds his way to recovery.
To you, I send hugs and hope that your situation will improve soon. Stick around. This is a great place to come for encouragement, support and hope.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
welcome jacky
it is never too late.
please get to an al-anon mtg. maybe if you start going and get some support for yourself, your daughter will go too.
you deserve to be safe and happy and peaceful and to be treated with respect and love and kindness. so does your daughter.
i am starting to believe that i can have these things in my own life with the help of the program. the thought of making huge changes is very intimidating to me too...the program will help you deal with it all in more manageable pieces. you don't have to change everything all at once. its impossible. you change just one little thought, one little reaction, one little decision, one little action, one day at a time. it is slow going. but it is better than it was.
you can do it.
keep coming back.
hugs and prayers to you.
it is never too late.
please get to an al-anon mtg. maybe if you start going and get some support for yourself, your daughter will go too.
you deserve to be safe and happy and peaceful and to be treated with respect and love and kindness. so does your daughter.
i am starting to believe that i can have these things in my own life with the help of the program. the thought of making huge changes is very intimidating to me too...the program will help you deal with it all in more manageable pieces. you don't have to change everything all at once. its impossible. you change just one little thought, one little reaction, one little decision, one little action, one day at a time. it is slow going. but it is better than it was.
you can do it.
keep coming back.
hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Jacky!!
Insane put it very well! One little thing everyday. Coming here is your 1st little thing!! Way to go Jacky!!! Now you can decided your 2nd little thing......whatever YOU want. It is that easy, start with baby steps and "find" yourself again.
Try the meeting, I suspect you will find it helpful....then after a period time your daughter may be interested too.....or they may have helpful info for you to share with your daughter.
Anyhow....glad you found us! Keep coming back
Blessings
Constant
Insane put it very well! One little thing everyday. Coming here is your 1st little thing!! Way to go Jacky!!! Now you can decided your 2nd little thing......whatever YOU want. It is that easy, start with baby steps and "find" yourself again.
Try the meeting, I suspect you will find it helpful....then after a period time your daughter may be interested too.....or they may have helpful info for you to share with your daughter.
Anyhow....glad you found us! Keep coming back
Blessings
Constant
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
Jacky-
Unless your husband has a physical disability he's in for a rude awakening. It's my understanding that SSD stopped treatiing alcoholism as a disability that they would pay for a while ago. (I'm not sure about the As that were already on it).
I don't know what state you live in (geographically) but most cities have a Neighborhood Legal Services or something similiar in the phone book with low cost, pro-rated legal services. I think he's BSing you about getting half. Your daughter would make a hell of a witness in divorce court.
Your daughter wants to leave. Please listen to her before she leaves both of you.
I wish you well. It won't be easy.
Unless your husband has a physical disability he's in for a rude awakening. It's my understanding that SSD stopped treatiing alcoholism as a disability that they would pay for a while ago. (I'm not sure about the As that were already on it).
I don't know what state you live in (geographically) but most cities have a Neighborhood Legal Services or something similiar in the phone book with low cost, pro-rated legal services. I think he's BSing you about getting half. Your daughter would make a hell of a witness in divorce court.
Your daughter wants to leave. Please listen to her before she leaves both of you.
I wish you well. It won't be easy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
Thanks to everyone for your replies.
Tiny One - he's trying for disability for a leg injury that happened years ago. He is in total denail of his alcohol/drugn problem and refuses to talk about it. How true your quote is: "I'd rather be alone and lonely than lonely, resentful and angry with another." I finally found a f2f meeting and plan to go tomorrow evening. I have not been to a meeting in such a long time....i'm really scared!!! I try to talk to him but it's like talking to a "beer bottle" - why can't I talk to him rationally?? Thanks for listening....
Tiny One - he's trying for disability for a leg injury that happened years ago. He is in total denail of his alcohol/drugn problem and refuses to talk about it. How true your quote is: "I'd rather be alone and lonely than lonely, resentful and angry with another." I finally found a f2f meeting and plan to go tomorrow evening. I have not been to a meeting in such a long time....i'm really scared!!! I try to talk to him but it's like talking to a "beer bottle" - why can't I talk to him rationally?? Thanks for listening....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
This may sound selfish but what are you getting out of this relationship to make it worth your while to take this abuse. Im not being flip. Im serious. Why are you here. Do you have a great relationship when hes sober, etc. You need to sit down and think about it. Forget about pitying him. Hes a big boy and he can take care of himself.
Do you really want to be there or are you just afraid to leave. Also Im afraid there may be a possibility of you paying him support. Womens lib and all. If the tables were turned and a guy had been supporting his wife for 7 years hed probably have to pay support. My Mom is addicted to court tv and this crap happens all the time. Also it happened to a woman I used to work with. Its not right but it may happen. Make sure you talk to an atty before you do anything.
Do you really want to be there or are you just afraid to leave. Also Im afraid there may be a possibility of you paying him support. Womens lib and all. If the tables were turned and a guy had been supporting his wife for 7 years hed probably have to pay support. My Mom is addicted to court tv and this crap happens all the time. Also it happened to a woman I used to work with. Its not right but it may happen. Make sure you talk to an atty before you do anything.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Jacky,
You can't "hear" it said enough - IT IS NOT TOO LATE. There is another thread going, posted by Timbosh, which you may have seen. I posted a reply there, which I am sharing here as well. This is coming from a 35 y/o "kid"...
As I was reading your post I was taken back to my childhood and all the stress that existed in my home. My Father was not a drinking "alcoholic" but he presented all the emotional signs and outward meanness of someone who was. To this day I wish my Mother had just left, but she was worried how she would take care of my sister and me. The results - I am a recovering codie (with many bad relationships under my belt) and my sister, who is 37, is an abuser of drugs, food, alcohol, sex.
Kids really don't care about the physical aspects of where they live. What is more important is how they live - the emotional aspects. Your daughter is begging you to change things. In the past I didn't give kids enough credit on "getting it". I have been proved wrong many times. Kids "get" so much more than I ever realized. And will tell us if we truly listen.
What I have experienced is that kids really don't give a hoot about the physical size/amenities of their space. ( I didn't - the house we lived in was no Taj Mahal to begin with.) They care only how calm vs. chaotic is the space. This has nothing to do with size of space, rather the vibe. I so wished my childhood had been more calm - less driven by fear and worry. I can't change the past, only influence my future.
I feel lucky in a way that my experience as a child seems to have resulted in my not being attached to a physical space - in the sense of feeling sad if I were to have to leave it. However I have associated my success with the "things" I had. Now my response is - "Is that the healthiest way to look at myself?" I still work on not associating my success with what is around me.
It sounds like you are more than able to financially keep the house running. HURRAHHH for you - this is a HUGE accomplishment by itself. The hard part is answering the question that Cecilia asked, what are you getting from the relationship?
I am better at accepting the beauty that is my life now - the life I have created and earned and DESERVE. I deserve to be treated with respect, I deserve a partner in life - one who will contribute everyday in some fashion, I deserve to be happy and content, I deserve the right to not worry about what current chaos is happening in my family's life. There are many other things I deserve which I haven't even realized yet. I offer you this question - What do you deserve?
Priorities change as people change.
I am praying for you.
Petunia
You can't "hear" it said enough - IT IS NOT TOO LATE. There is another thread going, posted by Timbosh, which you may have seen. I posted a reply there, which I am sharing here as well. This is coming from a 35 y/o "kid"...
As I was reading your post I was taken back to my childhood and all the stress that existed in my home. My Father was not a drinking "alcoholic" but he presented all the emotional signs and outward meanness of someone who was. To this day I wish my Mother had just left, but she was worried how she would take care of my sister and me. The results - I am a recovering codie (with many bad relationships under my belt) and my sister, who is 37, is an abuser of drugs, food, alcohol, sex.
Kids really don't care about the physical aspects of where they live. What is more important is how they live - the emotional aspects. Your daughter is begging you to change things. In the past I didn't give kids enough credit on "getting it". I have been proved wrong many times. Kids "get" so much more than I ever realized. And will tell us if we truly listen.
What I have experienced is that kids really don't give a hoot about the physical size/amenities of their space. ( I didn't - the house we lived in was no Taj Mahal to begin with.) They care only how calm vs. chaotic is the space. This has nothing to do with size of space, rather the vibe. I so wished my childhood had been more calm - less driven by fear and worry. I can't change the past, only influence my future.
I feel lucky in a way that my experience as a child seems to have resulted in my not being attached to a physical space - in the sense of feeling sad if I were to have to leave it. However I have associated my success with the "things" I had. Now my response is - "Is that the healthiest way to look at myself?" I still work on not associating my success with what is around me.
It sounds like you are more than able to financially keep the house running. HURRAHHH for you - this is a HUGE accomplishment by itself. The hard part is answering the question that Cecilia asked, what are you getting from the relationship?
I am better at accepting the beauty that is my life now - the life I have created and earned and DESERVE. I deserve to be treated with respect, I deserve a partner in life - one who will contribute everyday in some fashion, I deserve to be happy and content, I deserve the right to not worry about what current chaos is happening in my family's life. There are many other things I deserve which I haven't even realized yet. I offer you this question - What do you deserve?
Priorities change as people change.
I am praying for you.
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: north babylon, NY
Posts: 1
I am told I waited too long to leave
My husband was drinking ever since he was let go from his job. This past April our dog was diagnosed with bone cancer. The following month my husband's dad died of bone cancer. My husbands drinking became intolerable. He started getting abusive verbally & then physically. I tried to leave him in July but wanted to help in and went back much to his familys dislike. My husband ever since that point kept saying you can't make it on your own, you're nothing. He also always said that "our" house was his only that his money bought it. I beg to differ because I have never been unemployed a day in my life & I worked just as hard for that house. So, I think in your case, you should get the house soley because you were the main support!
I left my husband 2 weeks ago after he threatened to bash my head in one night with a baseball bat & the next night told me I would not wake up the next morning. I am seeing a therapist but I am hurt deeply for my husband lack of care & concern for me. From what I hear, he got a job so maybe he will shape up.
I left my husband 2 weeks ago after he threatened to bash my head in one night with a baseball bat & the next night told me I would not wake up the next morning. I am seeing a therapist but I am hurt deeply for my husband lack of care & concern for me. From what I hear, he got a job so maybe he will shape up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
Curly-
Go get a restraining order RIGHT NOW!! You need documentation on paper as soon as possible to protect you physically, mentally, financially and for the future. Please, please. He told you that you were worthless and can't do it on your own because he knows you can and it scares the sh** out of him. I'm afraid that once it sinks in that you are making it on your own he could turn more violent.
If you don't know how to get a restraining order you can call the women's shelter or any abuse hotline and they will be more than happy to get you started. You don't have to live in one to get their help.
jmf-'Talk to him rationally?' Come on. (haha). Go to the meeting, keep posting. You're there and don't know it.
Go get a restraining order RIGHT NOW!! You need documentation on paper as soon as possible to protect you physically, mentally, financially and for the future. Please, please. He told you that you were worthless and can't do it on your own because he knows you can and it scares the sh** out of him. I'm afraid that once it sinks in that you are making it on your own he could turn more violent.
If you don't know how to get a restraining order you can call the women's shelter or any abuse hotline and they will be more than happy to get you started. You don't have to live in one to get their help.
jmf-'Talk to him rationally?' Come on. (haha). Go to the meeting, keep posting. You're there and don't know it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 19
He won't get much!
I can help you with this one big time. He has been committing marital misconduct and marital indignities. If you want more information I will be more than happy to review it. I have case precedents if ya need em.
Your husband's behaviour is typical of someone who you enable and doesn't believe your threats because you have probably made many and carried through with few.
As far as your daughter - get out for her. Teach her that there are loving wonderful men out there that are worthy of you and her. That was my mine impetus to finally say ENOUGH! Then find out how to make sure that she doesn't end up with an alchoholic - to spare her that. A good therapist can help you help her.
You will start to love yourself and respect yourself just a bit more when you start placing boundaries, time limits, put together a plan to stop the abuse. And that's what it is. There doesn't have to be any physical abuse for it to be abusive. Living like this is abusive. It took me awhile to grasp that one, but not long enough that I feel like I have wasted my one shot here on earth!!
Your husband's behaviour is typical of someone who you enable and doesn't believe your threats because you have probably made many and carried through with few.
As far as your daughter - get out for her. Teach her that there are loving wonderful men out there that are worthy of you and her. That was my mine impetus to finally say ENOUGH! Then find out how to make sure that she doesn't end up with an alchoholic - to spare her that. A good therapist can help you help her.
You will start to love yourself and respect yourself just a bit more when you start placing boundaries, time limits, put together a plan to stop the abuse. And that's what it is. There doesn't have to be any physical abuse for it to be abusive. Living like this is abusive. It took me awhile to grasp that one, but not long enough that I feel like I have wasted my one shot here on earth!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
Thanks for your replies -- they have been helpful. My AH just asked me to buy him a case of beer. I told him I did not have the money to do that. He called me a "lousy piece of S!*&@" which is what he usually calls me when he's mad. Now I can imagine what kind of day I am going to have.
Sadmom: You said if i have more information you would be happy to review it. How can we do that? Thanks for your input....
Sadmom: You said if i have more information you would be happy to review it. How can we do that? Thanks for your input....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 19
It's sad to say but I would leave knowing mine would drink until he was sleeping passed out etc.... I liked him better passed out. No conflict that way. Then after they are allowing their livers and kidneys to engage in the process of slow destruction, you take your finest cosmetic products and dress em up a bit. I would also move his car around - we live on a farm - so that he thought he left it somewhere. It was always more fun before the harvest becauswe the wheat would totally engulf the car. he he he I would even fluff up the tire marks. That was actually when I cared and before Al-anon.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 1
Stop doing this to your daughter. You don't need him and you both will be better off without him. I'm 21 and grew up with an alcoholic father. My mother is still married to him. Am I disappointed in her? You bet! Show your daughter how strong you are and make the right decision. You're not a victim, don't feel sorry for yourself. You don't have to tolerate him, and don't subject your daughter to him. I would have been much better off if I hadn't had to deal with my father while growing up. Make the right decision, for your daughter's sake. You can make it without him.
AntiFLGrl
AntiFLGrl
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