AH sober two days and quite jerky
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
He got trashed again last night. I told him he can't have the kids at night anymore. He tried to tell me he loves them, he gives them lots of love. I said, yep you sure do. They can't stay with you at night anymore because you won't stop drinking.
I can't tell you how different this feels. I used to get so worked up, hysterical. Angry with him. We had a great conversation while making dinner together and were hanging out. He kept drinking. Soon he was drunk.
I just told him they can't stay with him anymore. He tried justifying. No blaming me not yet. I just stayed in this space of amazing peace and acceptance. He won't have them at night anymore. It's not an option. He'll keep drinking, it'll only get worse. I know this. I know there's nothing I can do about it, except make sure the kids aren't around it. He'll have to come to my house, if he's sober, to see them. I'm totally ok with this, and don't even blame him. it's just what he's doing. it's so strange you guys. I won't argue with him, there'll be no drama. I know him, and he'll be hung over today and shamefull, I'll just get them home with me before he starts drinking again.
Rather than yank them out of there jammies in the night, I stayed there with them at AH's place. Slept in my old big bed with AH and our youngest. I didn't bother reiterating anything this morning. I'll pick him up from work, we'll go back to his place so he can give our son a hair cut and I'll get their clothes and some other things. They have school now anyway.
I don't need to say anything to them right away, they always go back and forth. After a few days, and a good talk with a lawyer, I'll sort that out.
right now I just feel utterly at peace with knowing who he is, who I am, and what my kids need. No blame. This is just the next step towards one or two things: AH's sobriety or his death.
I can tell you now that I love him. I truly do. It's like loving someone who's handicapped. I think I've forgiven him for his affairs. For losing the house. For being so strong, accomplished and yet at times just like a teenage boy.
I used to think that none of that mattered because he's an alcoholic. But it all does. It all matters very much. Acceptance for me means not just accepting others for who they are, but being honest with myself about how I feel and what I know. And I know he'll either get sober or spiral downward. I know my children have to continue being taught what alcoholism is and how to deal with it. I know he can't have them at his house anymore while drinking because it's escalating. Its predicable. A known factor.
I've seen others lose their loved ones, in real life and here. Absolutly drink and drug themselves to death. I have to teach my children that they didn't cause it, can't cure or control it. The best way is to show them as well as tell them.
Not sure why I feel so strong, so calm, except I've been going to yoga and reading that book about the journey from abandonment to healing. I don't feel abandoned by AH anymore.
I can't tell you how different this feels. I used to get so worked up, hysterical. Angry with him. We had a great conversation while making dinner together and were hanging out. He kept drinking. Soon he was drunk.
I just told him they can't stay with him anymore. He tried justifying. No blaming me not yet. I just stayed in this space of amazing peace and acceptance. He won't have them at night anymore. It's not an option. He'll keep drinking, it'll only get worse. I know this. I know there's nothing I can do about it, except make sure the kids aren't around it. He'll have to come to my house, if he's sober, to see them. I'm totally ok with this, and don't even blame him. it's just what he's doing. it's so strange you guys. I won't argue with him, there'll be no drama. I know him, and he'll be hung over today and shamefull, I'll just get them home with me before he starts drinking again.
Rather than yank them out of there jammies in the night, I stayed there with them at AH's place. Slept in my old big bed with AH and our youngest. I didn't bother reiterating anything this morning. I'll pick him up from work, we'll go back to his place so he can give our son a hair cut and I'll get their clothes and some other things. They have school now anyway.
I don't need to say anything to them right away, they always go back and forth. After a few days, and a good talk with a lawyer, I'll sort that out.
right now I just feel utterly at peace with knowing who he is, who I am, and what my kids need. No blame. This is just the next step towards one or two things: AH's sobriety or his death.
I can tell you now that I love him. I truly do. It's like loving someone who's handicapped. I think I've forgiven him for his affairs. For losing the house. For being so strong, accomplished and yet at times just like a teenage boy.
I used to think that none of that mattered because he's an alcoholic. But it all does. It all matters very much. Acceptance for me means not just accepting others for who they are, but being honest with myself about how I feel and what I know. And I know he'll either get sober or spiral downward. I know my children have to continue being taught what alcoholism is and how to deal with it. I know he can't have them at his house anymore while drinking because it's escalating. Its predicable. A known factor.
I've seen others lose their loved ones, in real life and here. Absolutly drink and drug themselves to death. I have to teach my children that they didn't cause it, can't cure or control it. The best way is to show them as well as tell them.
Not sure why I feel so strong, so calm, except I've been going to yoga and reading that book about the journey from abandonment to healing. I don't feel abandoned by AH anymore.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Transform,
I was lucky in that my kids didn't have to deal with their dad's active alcoholism. They loved their stepdad, and it hurt them when I left him (and their dog--long story, nobody else could take the dog). Today they still say they really liked him, even with his occasional temper tantrums (no violence or verbal abuse but he could yell). They haven't seen nor spoken to him since I left him eleven years ago.
I admire the way you are handling the whole situation. I can only imagine how stressful it can be, but you are doing SO great. It will pay off dividends for you and the kids in the future, regardless what the AH does about his drinking.
You are sending the kids the message that it isn't OK for their dad to be drunk around them, but you are also sending the message that he is a human being, and that he loves them as well as he is able to. And I think that's important for kids to know--that they are loved, even if it is by a parent who isn't capable of showing it the way he should.
I had to laugh, too, at the "Good--got that out of the way." The buildup to the dropping of the other shoe.
Enjoy a peaceful Sunday.
I was lucky in that my kids didn't have to deal with their dad's active alcoholism. They loved their stepdad, and it hurt them when I left him (and their dog--long story, nobody else could take the dog). Today they still say they really liked him, even with his occasional temper tantrums (no violence or verbal abuse but he could yell). They haven't seen nor spoken to him since I left him eleven years ago.
I admire the way you are handling the whole situation. I can only imagine how stressful it can be, but you are doing SO great. It will pay off dividends for you and the kids in the future, regardless what the AH does about his drinking.
You are sending the kids the message that it isn't OK for their dad to be drunk around them, but you are also sending the message that he is a human being, and that he loves them as well as he is able to. And I think that's important for kids to know--that they are loved, even if it is by a parent who isn't capable of showing it the way he should.
I had to laugh, too, at the "Good--got that out of the way." The buildup to the dropping of the other shoe.
Enjoy a peaceful Sunday.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Trans-
He was probably just out of money.
I agree with Lexie - that you're doing great.
I was wanting to put the kitten thingy jadmack has on this part:
and there it is : detachment.
There's nothing about forgiveness ...that says we have to continue hurting ourselves.
THIS ... is the kind of forgiveness... that gets up and moves on.
wooHOO!
ow OW! *doin the Pixie dance w/ arthuritis...LOL
that. is true Beauty, man. I'm LOVIN that.
Ba- ZINGGG!
Because you GOT it!!!
This*is* what it feels like -
not like you're empty and waiting for the next thing to fill you -
when you 'get it'
you ARE filled!!!!
ka-ZANG!!!!! Transform!!!!!!
yah- HOO!
He was probably just out of money.
I agree with Lexie - that you're doing great.
I was wanting to put the kitten thingy jadmack has on this part:
right now I just feel utterly at peace with knowing who he is, who I am, and what my kids need. No blame. This is just the next step towards one or two things: AH's sobriety or his death.
I can tell you now that I love him. I truly do. It's like loving someone who's handicapped. I think I've forgiven him for his affairs. For losing the house. For being so strong, accomplished and yet at times just like a teenage boy.
THIS ... is the kind of forgiveness... that gets up and moves on.
wooHOO!
I used to think that none of that mattered because he's an alcoholic. But it all does. It all matters very much
that. is true Beauty, man. I'm LOVIN that.
Acceptance for me means not just accepting others for who they are, but being honest with myself about how I feel and what I know. And I know he'll either get sober or spiral downward. I know my children have to continue being taught what alcoholism is and how to deal with it. I know he can't have them at his house anymore while drinking because it's escalating. Its predicable. A known factor.
I've seen others lose their loved ones, in real life and here. Absolutly drink and drug themselves to death. I have to teach my children that they didn't cause it, can't cure or control it. The best way is to show them as well as tell them.
Not sure why I feel so strong, so calm, except I've been going to yoga and reading that book about the journey from abandonment to healing. I don't feel abandoned by AH anymore.
Not sure why I feel so strong, so calm, except I've been going to yoga and reading that book about the journey from abandonment to healing. I don't feel abandoned by AH anymore.
Because you GOT it!!!
This*is* what it feels like -
not like you're empty and waiting for the next thing to fill you -
when you 'get it'
you ARE filled!!!!
ka-ZANG!!!!! Transform!!!!!!
yah- HOO!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you everyone for your kind words.
And wow, Barb you're like some kind of crazy electronic contraption gone haywire! Thank you!
I think all this time I was looking at others paths. How NC at times seems to be the mantra here for recovering Codies, especially from dangerous jerks and comparing that to me. I am not doing NC right now, it doesn't work for us. When I accepted that and shifted into acceptance and combined that with all the learning I've done recently about boundaries, this magical thing has happened to me. Acceptance of me, acceptance of him. I'm so grateful now, it's overwhelming. I thought I'd live in pain and fear for the rest of my life.
I guess at one time AH was a dangerous jerk- solely because of the power I gave him. And he has the potential of being dangerous, simply because he chooses to literally ****** himself with booze on an uninterrupted basis.
I believe the book about abandonment is literally healing me from the abandonment triggers that used drop me, debilitate me. And I also use the NC process to give myself time and space away from his madness.
He called from work, like he always does and we talked about me getting their stuff from his place tonight. He's in utter acceptance right now that they won't be staying with him. We don't even need to discuss it. I put an end to that last night by simply insisting, without getting destracted by his blameshifting and rationalizing. We've discussed his drinking so many times it's stupid. He knows they can't be with him because he chooses to drink. They'll see him in the afternoon, until he starts drinking then too.
good news: I'm on deadline this week, the brutal one before all content for my newspaper --plus a four page pull out for the voters guide-- has to be finalized. today I lined up childcare for the two days I'll be needing it. Done!
Love, Transformie
And wow, Barb you're like some kind of crazy electronic contraption gone haywire! Thank you!
I think all this time I was looking at others paths. How NC at times seems to be the mantra here for recovering Codies, especially from dangerous jerks and comparing that to me. I am not doing NC right now, it doesn't work for us. When I accepted that and shifted into acceptance and combined that with all the learning I've done recently about boundaries, this magical thing has happened to me. Acceptance of me, acceptance of him. I'm so grateful now, it's overwhelming. I thought I'd live in pain and fear for the rest of my life.
I guess at one time AH was a dangerous jerk- solely because of the power I gave him. And he has the potential of being dangerous, simply because he chooses to literally ****** himself with booze on an uninterrupted basis.
I believe the book about abandonment is literally healing me from the abandonment triggers that used drop me, debilitate me. And I also use the NC process to give myself time and space away from his madness.
He called from work, like he always does and we talked about me getting their stuff from his place tonight. He's in utter acceptance right now that they won't be staying with him. We don't even need to discuss it. I put an end to that last night by simply insisting, without getting destracted by his blameshifting and rationalizing. We've discussed his drinking so many times it's stupid. He knows they can't be with him because he chooses to drink. They'll see him in the afternoon, until he starts drinking then too.
good news: I'm on deadline this week, the brutal one before all content for my newspaper --plus a four page pull out for the voters guide-- has to be finalized. today I lined up childcare for the two days I'll be needing it. Done!
Love, Transformie
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
