CoffeeLover

I just found this board and thought it might be good to ramble and get some things off my chest. My husband (married 8 years) is an alchoholic. Our many years together before our marriage were very difficult years due to the alcoholism. Eventually things hit rock bottom and he got treatment. He maintained sobriety for 8.5 years. I truly never thought that we would have to deal with the alchohol again.

Unfortuantely the alcohol re-entered our lives New Years Eve of this year and has slowly been destroying our perfect family since. My husband accepts that he is powerless over Alcohol and truly says that he wants help. He goes to AA meetings every day and has gone on medications prescribed by his dr (Campral to reduce alchohol cravings and depression / anxiety meds). However, I am struggling with trusting him again. He has always hid his alcohol and rarely every openly admits that he drinks, even when it is completely obvious. He swears 100% that he has not drank in the last 3 weeks, but I still don't believe him. In the past week alone there was one night where he passed out on the couch and then was stumbling into the walls. He swears it was pills (vicodin leftover from earlier dental procedure). Then another day I come home from work very early and find 3 tall beers in the fridge. He claims he had the urge, but wanted me to find them so that I would throw them out. I know that he would have drank those beers had I not come home from work early. Then this weekend he passed out in the hallyway while painting and literally had paint dripping all over himself (he claims he was tired and finally admitted it was pills again). I am constantly looking for beer scattered all over our garage, since this is where he always hides the empty cans. Of course I found a full opened can this weekend and he swear it had been there for weeks. I know that this is not the truth b/c I know I have looked in that particular hiding space many times before.

I just truly don't know how to handle all of this. We have 2 young kids and it scares me leaving them in his care. We had a very bad incident when I had to go out of town for a weekend a couple of weeks ago and I left our kids in his care. Luckily I had family who could come over and stay with my kids and watch over my husband so he wouldn't hurt himself. He claims that this was his rock bottom. He went through Detox at home which was just awful to watch. He was very sick, shaking, and sweating for several days. He swears that he would never go through this again, but I just don't feel that we have moved on. We no longer have a happy healthy home for our kids and that tears me apart. Any advice?

MsPINKAcres

((coffee))

welcome to our SR family - hate so much that you are dealing with the active disease - I can relate to how painful that can be.

Are you attending any al-anon meetings? I know for me that is one of the best things I ever did in dealing with the active disease - it helps me tremendously. I also read recovery literature, post here and share with recovery oriented friends (also lots of prayer with the God of my understanding)

Please keep posting and sharing here - sometimes taking good care of ourselves and stepping out of the way of the A's - allowing them to walk their own path is the best thing - it gives them their self-respect and dignity to find their own way.

Don't give up before the miracle happens in you - YOU deserve it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find lots of support and information here. We understand what it is like living with addiction.

I am posting a link from one of our sticky (permanent) posts located at the top of the forum. I also recommend reading in the stickies, they contain some of our stories and lots of wisdom.

Here is a link to some steps that have helped us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

nodaybut2day

Hi there and WELCOME to SR This is a wonderful place to find support, and sometimes a bit of off-kilter humour.

I second (or third) the Al-Anon recommendation. That and SR saved my butt when I was dealing with my XAH (ex alcoholic husband).

The fact that there are young children involves in the situation makes things a bit more...tricky, because your trust in your AH (alcoholic husband) puts your kids on the line. It seems you may have to take long term steps to ensure that he is never left alone with the children, because he does not appear to be in control of anything at the moment. Whether he is drinking or drugging, he is not a trustworthy caregiver right now.

I know it sucks to suddenly doubt your long-time partner, but you have no other choice but to do so for the sake of your children.

Please keep posting here as much as you like. SR is always open!

barb dwyer

Welcome to SR!

ItsmeAlice

Welcome! You are not alone in this one bit. There are many here who have been going through just what you describe with children, a home, a job, and the rest to contend with. I am so sorry for the reason that you are here, but delighted you have found us.

Please do some reading and reconnect with yourself and what you really want in your heart going forward. He is the only one who can decide to seek sobriety. This is his path to walk, but you do not have to be around for the carnage to take place nor do your children. He knows what sobriety is and how to get there. He does not need you to be dragged by him to reach it no matter what he says. Let professional detox him. Let him stay away until he has gotten his act together.

You just focus on what you can do for yourself and your children to keep out of his distructive spiral.

Al-Anon is great advice. The stickies at the top of this forum with suggested reading and helpul info is also good starting point.

We are here. Keep posting!

Alice

lillian

I don't know if it's possible, but try to trust your own instincts for now-- you don't need to search for the beer or pills. I spent lots of time doing that, and even when I found them, he'd lie or get angry or feel guilty, so there really wasn't much point-- it wasn't like HE didn't know... it was just driving ME crazy... so a better way to not go crazy is try to use that time/thinking to build up a support system for yourself-- and for your kids. al anon will probably be a big help- you will find people who have had similiar experiences and can help guide you through this painful and scary time. please take care of yourself! good luck to you and your family

fiveyearzen

Campral didn't do jack for me. I had to get through it the hard way. But there is a new drug called naltrexone. I haven't taken it or know of anybody who has taken it, but I did read an article written by a Dr. who runs a rehab in Dallas. He stated that it prevents patients from becoming intoxicated and significantly reduces cravings. Given your husband's situation, it may be something you want to research and/or ask your physician about.

barb dwyer

Campral worked great for me.
But - I WANTED to quit.

It's always so very sad to see another go back out.

I always have that undercurrent of anger at the disease,
then the person,
then at my own helplessness.

I've seen so very many people go back out at five years.

SOmething I'm very conscious of
just starting my fourth year.

kiki5711

My doctor prescribed me that "naltrexone". It's suppose to make you extremely ill, the vometing, painful, kind of ill, if you drink while on this medication. So that's one way to distract you from drinking. I was recommended to take these pills for the first few months after rehab.

Starburst

Hi and welcome to our SR family, now your thread is me to a T. My AH was also an A before we married, cleaned up his act, we have been married 12 years this year, he also relapsed after 8 years, unlike you I couldnt find the proof, so never mentioned it until 2 years later, this last year it has really been awful, I had to take my 2 young kids and leave our house for a few days, as he trashed the place, he sobered up by himself, so thankfully we never saw. He also promised no more drinking, 2 weeks later another relapse, seems over the week end he binge drinks and it is so bad, he cant remember where he put his keys etc., I also have no idea how to help him, he wants to stop, but just doesnt have the will power. Alcoholism is progressive, and all we can do is concentrate on ourselves, you didnt CAUSE this, you cant CURE it and you Cant CONTROL it. It really is up to them! I also searched daily for evidence, but dont do it anymore, I can tell by his body language if he has drunk or not! I can tell you, I was shocked to find out how much he was drinking in a day, 1 and a half bottles of brandy. He claims he needs it for stress and pain. He refuses to go to a doctor. But recently he has been mentioning trying out AA, we are not there yet. I dont know if they can ever be cured, my Dad was a A also, he went for treatment many times, relased just as many, finally died from A at age 45. So I suppose the moral here is, look after you and the kids, detach as much as possible. But try your best to be there if he needs you, I found my AH even when he totally loses it, he knows he can still chat to me and I do find this helps, even if it is just a little. I hope this helps you. Hugs

SoloMio

I'm another whose AH relapsed after several years (in my case, 6) As you said, those 6 years were absolutely great, but when he relapsed he forgot that--he would rather remember it as dark times, to give him justification to drink.

I was surprised at myself because throughout his sobriety, I told myself constantly that I would NEVER go back to the old days. Of course, this is just like when I told myself that I would NEVER marry an alcoholic like my dad. Oh, well, never say never--he has been active for 6 years and I've hung in--and not particularly proud of it. I went for counseling often the first year, and then I hit a wall and stopped going.

As for you, please listen to the advice others have given you.. definitely go to Al-Anon and definitely focus on yourself. I remember when he started drinking again I wrote down in my Day-Timer (in French, mind you, so that he wouldn't be able to read it) the amount of drinking he had done and the consequences. When I told my counselor, she said, "Why are you doing THAT?" I guess I was doing it for ammunition for a discussion with him, or the judge in divorce court.. I don't know. Point being--that was a waste of time, as is counting beer cans.

I know what you are going through. It's devastating to have a normal life pulled out from under you, but it's up to you to reclaim that life for yourself--even if he refuses to get back on board.

CoffeeLover

Wow...I'm not even sure how to respond. Thank you all so much for your support and listening. It really means a lot to me and I look forward to sticking around here. I am an extremely private person and hate to air my business to other people, so it does help to have others to talk to. I have not gone to Al Anon meetings although I keep telling myself that I need to go. It is so hard to work full-time with two young kids (6 and 3) and now try to fit in an Al Anon meeting. My biggest worry is my kids, so I try to devote all my time to them when I am not working. My AH is a stay at home dad so he has always been very active in their lives. I guess the only things that puts me at ease is that my AH is still paying for his past drinking issues from 9 years ago and is required by law to have an ignition interlock system on his car. At least I know that he won't be drinking and driving with my kids in the car.

Thanks to everyone who shared their stories. It does help to know that others are going through the same things.

barb dwyer

That 'not airing your laundry' stuff will kill you
as surely as if you picked up and started drinking yourself, hon.

That's one aspect of online recovery
that has reached so many thousands of people
who would have otherwise gone without.

I'm glad you're sticking around!