Husband soon to be Ex sober since May Need Advice
My XAH kept drinking and taking the tests. He knew what herbs to take to screw up the test. He would stop maybe 12 hrs. before the test. Remember they are missing part of their brains too so don't expect them to have a conscious to "be sorry" for anything. They can drink vinagar or something to screw up the tests. It is amazing the lengths they go to to reflect blame and to use. Ha...it is all our fault......quack.....quack.....
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 93
I've read so many posts and am amazed at how it seems all addicts say everything is not their fault! I hope I'm strong enough to keep my distance from my AB, his wife and my nephew. And to tell my parents (in denial) I'm just not going to discuss it til he's in active recovery and I can trust him (that sounds like a big joke - trusting an addict!)
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
My AH is still in denial. Today, I said if you go to treatment and get sober maybe you can come home. He says he's entitled to drink.
As for contact with our kids. He texted me today and told me to tell them he loves them. He texted me that why can't he text them to tell them.
And apologies. I don't remember him saying I'm sorry to any of us. I say it. I can't recall him apologizing. Probably because none of it is his fault. Always mine.
As for contact with our kids. He texted me today and told me to tell them he loves them. He texted me that why can't he text them to tell them.
And apologies. I don't remember him saying I'm sorry to any of us. I say it. I can't recall him apologizing. Probably because none of it is his fault. Always mine.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
[QUOTE=cagreg9;2702249. I wish I could say its not my problem, its not really. But I don't want my kids hurt anymore then they have been. My biggest issue is the kids ! What do I do? Do I encourage a relationship? It just seems so toxic.[/QUOTE]
I know how you feel. I have 3 teens myself, and I just can't bear the thought of them spending any time with such a toxic, sick person, and being hurt anymore than they already have been. Thankfully, they don't want anything to do with him, and we are almost divorced. But that in it self is very sad for them. Of course they (yours and mine) want, and need a relationship with their dad, but the way I see it, it can't happen right now. At least your AH may not be drinking, and maybe he can soon see the light of day the longer he remains sober. I agree that it takes time for the brain, soul, and spirit to heal and get back to normal. My stbxah is still drinking, and taking perscription pain and sleeping meds daily. Sick, sick, sick.
It's so hard to see how badly our children are hurting because of their own parent. Keep the lines of communication open with them, that will help alot. Talk to them about whats going on. Make sure they know that they are not alone in this. I am speaking from an adult child of a alcoholics point of veiw. My dad was not in my life either, and he drank heavily. My mom, bless her heart, just didn't know what I was going through and never spoke of him or of what we all went through.
I will keep you in my prayers as well as your kids. You are not alone in this. We are all here for you. God bless, H
I know how you feel. I have 3 teens myself, and I just can't bear the thought of them spending any time with such a toxic, sick person, and being hurt anymore than they already have been. Thankfully, they don't want anything to do with him, and we are almost divorced. But that in it self is very sad for them. Of course they (yours and mine) want, and need a relationship with their dad, but the way I see it, it can't happen right now. At least your AH may not be drinking, and maybe he can soon see the light of day the longer he remains sober. I agree that it takes time for the brain, soul, and spirit to heal and get back to normal. My stbxah is still drinking, and taking perscription pain and sleeping meds daily. Sick, sick, sick.
It's so hard to see how badly our children are hurting because of their own parent. Keep the lines of communication open with them, that will help alot. Talk to them about whats going on. Make sure they know that they are not alone in this. I am speaking from an adult child of a alcoholics point of veiw. My dad was not in my life either, and he drank heavily. My mom, bless her heart, just didn't know what I was going through and never spoke of him or of what we all went through.
I will keep you in my prayers as well as your kids. You are not alone in this. We are all here for you. God bless, H
My XAH, after going through 4 different babymamas is still living in Egypt, in the jolly old land of De-Nial No sir, he doesn't have a problem. It's the ENTIRE WORLD that's the problem. Um, yeah, you must be right budy.
cagreg9...I second the suggestion to step waaaaaay back and let your children, who are teens and young adults, find their own way in their relationship with their father. It's SO hard because you naturally want to protect them and move the entire world around so that they don't suffer, but once again, it's a question of letting go and trusting in HP to take care of them.
cagreg9...I second the suggestion to step waaaaaay back and let your children, who are teens and young adults, find their own way in their relationship with their father. It's SO hard because you naturally want to protect them and move the entire world around so that they don't suffer, but once again, it's a question of letting go and trusting in HP to take care of them.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
This is a keeper!
ANYONE who creates or stirs up blame, confusion, guilt, drama, or other sickness or mental angst in my life is ELIMINATED from my life. I no longer speak to people who relate in this manner. I guess you could say that I am "No Contact" from EVERYone who brings into my life anything other than peace and serenity.
I second that emotion!
My RAH has been sober for almost 16 months now.
He made amends to me about pretty much everything - there was so much it's hard to remember it all.
But there are issues that come up now, while sober and in AA where he denies his responsibility. And it is like talking to a wall.
But I don't think that is strickly an alcoholic behavior. Denial is pretty universal - I know I can be good at it.
Ya' know sometimes I think for my husband it becomes so overwhelming, so many screws up, so much pain he caused, so many financial disasters he created...
There is so much for him to work on, he literally has to change EVERYTHING.
AND - not drink.
I'm not making excuses for nasty behavior or anything like that.
But not drinking is actually the least of the problems they face with sobriety. IMO
Once sober they have to face reality. And their realities for the most part - SUCK!
He made amends to me about pretty much everything - there was so much it's hard to remember it all.
But there are issues that come up now, while sober and in AA where he denies his responsibility. And it is like talking to a wall.
But I don't think that is strickly an alcoholic behavior. Denial is pretty universal - I know I can be good at it.
Ya' know sometimes I think for my husband it becomes so overwhelming, so many screws up, so much pain he caused, so many financial disasters he created...
There is so much for him to work on, he literally has to change EVERYTHING.
AND - not drink.
I'm not making excuses for nasty behavior or anything like that.
But not drinking is actually the least of the problems they face with sobriety. IMO
Once sober they have to face reality. And their realities for the most part - SUCK!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Reality does stink even for us sober people. But we go on each day trying to do the best we can. We take responsibility for our actions. I know if we have no milk I have to go to the store to get it. My AH would not bother to even tell me. I would be making dinner and needing milk and realize I had to go the store. I'd ask him to go but he would hem and haw so it was so much easier to do things without even asking him for help.
I want to keep my kids from hurting more but the reality of this is if they wanted to talk with him they could call him. They don't want anything to do with him. If they wanted to text him I wouldn't stop them. I'm not going to push them to call him. I want them to feel comfortable doing it. No pressure from me.
I want to keep my kids from hurting more but the reality of this is if they wanted to talk with him they could call him. They don't want anything to do with him. If they wanted to text him I wouldn't stop them. I'm not going to push them to call him. I want them to feel comfortable doing it. No pressure from me.
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