I'm new and need help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 10
I'm new and need help
I am new to this, and probably should have checked into it sooner. I am a mom of 3 children, (1,2 and 8 y.o.) and a wife of an alcoholic. This weekend, my husband went on a 3 day bender,which included hard liquor, partying with the "guys", and whatever else. He took off on his Harley after a major fight between us over his drinking. I was unable to stop him. He smashed half of a wall in our house, and our chandelier before he left. I didnt hear from him all weekend, until Sunday morning, in which he showed up and started having all of these symptoms of alcohol poisoning...violently shaking/tremors/vomiting...
I have had it with all of this and I have hit a point that I cant even cry anymore. He has damaged so many relationships with family and friends, co workers and our children dont even miss him when he's gone...because theyre use to him not being home half the time.
I sat him down and told him that i was finished with all of this. I made sure i did this when he was ill, because I have found that when I try and talk to him when hes feeling better, he shrugs his shoulders and says"whatever".
Today he's feeling better, and of course, here comes the attitude again. He is suppose to go in for an evaluation next week, to determine if he needs inpatient or outpatient treatment. I have dealt with this over and over again, and mentally and physically I cant do it anymore. I know its not over, because I have heard promises over and over again for the last 12 years that are continually broke. I feel like Im dying inside, but cant talk to family or friends anymore. I feel they are judging me for staying and putting up with it. I cant listen to people ask me when I'm going to leave...I find that I hide what happens so it doesnt make me look so weak.
I have had it with all of this and I have hit a point that I cant even cry anymore. He has damaged so many relationships with family and friends, co workers and our children dont even miss him when he's gone...because theyre use to him not being home half the time.
I sat him down and told him that i was finished with all of this. I made sure i did this when he was ill, because I have found that when I try and talk to him when hes feeling better, he shrugs his shoulders and says"whatever".
Today he's feeling better, and of course, here comes the attitude again. He is suppose to go in for an evaluation next week, to determine if he needs inpatient or outpatient treatment. I have dealt with this over and over again, and mentally and physically I cant do it anymore. I know its not over, because I have heard promises over and over again for the last 12 years that are continually broke. I feel like Im dying inside, but cant talk to family or friends anymore. I feel they are judging me for staying and putting up with it. I cant listen to people ask me when I'm going to leave...I find that I hide what happens so it doesnt make me look so weak.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Welcome Timosbh!
You're in the right place. Always feel free to come here and get things off your chest. We've all been there and we DO want to hear it.
Up at the top of the forum you'll see a thread titled "power posts". It's just some things we thought would be particularly valuable for newcomers, explains the steps and such. Look around and make yourself at home.
Now... safety first. Please make sure you and the children have a safe place to go if these violent outbursts occur again. He may never have directed his violence at you, but I know a lady who got her arm broken from violence that was directed against a car door. If you don't have friends or family you can go to, check out family shelters in your area and KNOW where you can go.
Hugs!
Smoke
You're in the right place. Always feel free to come here and get things off your chest. We've all been there and we DO want to hear it.
Up at the top of the forum you'll see a thread titled "power posts". It's just some things we thought would be particularly valuable for newcomers, explains the steps and such. Look around and make yourself at home.
Now... safety first. Please make sure you and the children have a safe place to go if these violent outbursts occur again. He may never have directed his violence at you, but I know a lady who got her arm broken from violence that was directed against a car door. If you don't have friends or family you can go to, check out family shelters in your area and KNOW where you can go.
Hugs!
Smoke
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome!
You are NOT weak! It takes alot of strength to live the way you have been.
It all depends on you...his drinking will stop when he is ready and not a day sooner. So that leaves you with some things to think about. Do you love this man the way he is?? Or are you attracted to what was and the way it could be if he changed?
We have a good group here of people here who are living what you are living and also some people who have been around the program for a long time.
Have you considered Al Anon?
Make yourself at home!
JT
You are NOT weak! It takes alot of strength to live the way you have been.
It all depends on you...his drinking will stop when he is ready and not a day sooner. So that leaves you with some things to think about. Do you love this man the way he is?? Or are you attracted to what was and the way it could be if he changed?
We have a good group here of people here who are living what you are living and also some people who have been around the program for a long time.
Have you considered Al Anon?
Make yourself at home!
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 10
I have considered alon-on. There was once a time where he was sober for 8 months. It was after our daughter was born, (she is now almost 3). I couldnt beleive the change in who he was, from his personality to his physical appearance! He was dependable, loving, a good dad to my kids, a good husband. All it took was one Christmas Party, and it has snowballed until now. That was over 2 years ago.
I am so resentful right now, and very bitter. I feel like I am who everyone is feeling sorry for, we live in a small town of 3,000 people, and everyone knows what goes on with everybdy else.
I dont trust him in any aspect. When I go to work, I make sure someone else is home with my children, because to be honest, how can I trust him with 3 innocent lives, when he cant even take care of himself?
I really feel like I hate him. I have watched him destroy our marriage, and watched our bank account dwindle down to the negative. All in the name of Alcohol. Im only 29 years old, and feel like I'm an old hag,(been called something similar to that quite a few times!) There is an Alon-on meeting next Monday night that Im going to go to. I have never felt so angry for so long.
I am so resentful right now, and very bitter. I feel like I am who everyone is feeling sorry for, we live in a small town of 3,000 people, and everyone knows what goes on with everybdy else.
I dont trust him in any aspect. When I go to work, I make sure someone else is home with my children, because to be honest, how can I trust him with 3 innocent lives, when he cant even take care of himself?
I really feel like I hate him. I have watched him destroy our marriage, and watched our bank account dwindle down to the negative. All in the name of Alcohol. Im only 29 years old, and feel like I'm an old hag,(been called something similar to that quite a few times!) There is an Alon-on meeting next Monday night that Im going to go to. I have never felt so angry for so long.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Welcome.
I am glad to hear you are going to a meeting. Many of us have found a path towards a happier life by working the steps of Al Anon. There seems to be something in the program for everyone. For me it was learning about what 'codependence' meant, and learning it is ok to put my own happiness (and that of my daughter) as my first priority.
Keep coming back. There are a lot of wonderful people here to share your feelings with, and who will share their experiences with you as well.
I am so pleased to hear you have thought to have someone else home with your kids. Way to go!
I am glad to hear you are going to a meeting. Many of us have found a path towards a happier life by working the steps of Al Anon. There seems to be something in the program for everyone. For me it was learning about what 'codependence' meant, and learning it is ok to put my own happiness (and that of my daughter) as my first priority.
Keep coming back. There are a lot of wonderful people here to share your feelings with, and who will share their experiences with you as well.
I am so pleased to hear you have thought to have someone else home with your kids. Way to go!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 10
Update: As of lunch today, my husband wont even look at me. I havent said or did anything negative, and now he is acting as if I did something wrong. I'm use to this. Pretty sad! It has been 3 days since he drank,( I know the only reason is because he's been hungover) but I sense that the hangover is over, and he wants to crack open that beer. I can tell, especially after being with this man for almost 13 years. I appreciate the amount of support I have received from people here. It makes me think that some people may understand what Ive been dealing with. I can say, right now, I am so tired. I have never felt so emotionally drained before. The hardest part about trying to deal with this is that when I go to work tonight, (i am a home party consultant), I need to smile and be happy and focused. I can tell you, that I will put on a great party, make everyone happy and laugh and have a great time. And then, I will go home, and during the 25 mile ride home I will cry, because I wont let my husband see me cry anymore.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((((many hug s to you)))))
alcoholism is a progressive disease, you don't get better from
it and left untreated it will kill you.
alanon has been my lifeline so please follow through with your resolve to get to a meeting. We who have lived with someone we love that is an alcoholic are left with the pieces of trying to survive. After a time we don't realy do that to well either.
I love these boards but a f2f meeting is the glue that binds.
God Bless
liddy
alcoholism is a progressive disease, you don't get better from
it and left untreated it will kill you.
alanon has been my lifeline so please follow through with your resolve to get to a meeting. We who have lived with someone we love that is an alcoholic are left with the pieces of trying to survive. After a time we don't realy do that to well either.
I love these boards but a f2f meeting is the glue that binds.
God Bless
liddy
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome Timosbh, Please consider yourself HUGGED!
We who live with the disease of alcoholism understand as few others can.....Al-Anon.
I love that line Timosbh because the same goes for these forums as well...We understand. My hope is you'll keep posting and let know how your doing....PLEASE follow Smoke's suggestions as well as everyone else's...
We who live with the disease of alcoholism understand as few others can.....Al-Anon.
I love that line Timosbh because the same goes for these forums as well...We understand. My hope is you'll keep posting and let know how your doing....PLEASE follow Smoke's suggestions as well as everyone else's...
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Oh Timosbh,
I can totally feel your pain and hear your cries for help! I've been there to and as recently as Monday had someone ask me to my face, how I can still deal with all that I deal with...
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
The more open I've been about my situation, the more I hear from others that they too have a loved one/family member dealing with the affects of alcoholism!
My ah (alcoholic husband) isn't speaking to me either at the moment...the truth hurts them....its' easier to not talk to us because they don't have to face the hurt and pain they've caused then!
Do something nice for yourself! One thing that someone said to me at a face to face meeting was "Fake it till you make it"...there is wisdom in those words.
Take care of you and I seriously mean this, keep coming back here and feel free to vent away...you are definitely safe here and will receive valuable ideas, information and words! Try to keep an open mind to what you see or hear, people here care and want to tell you what has worked for them. For me, the more I've changed how I think, the better things have become!
Hang in there lady!
Sped teach
I can totally feel your pain and hear your cries for help! I've been there to and as recently as Monday had someone ask me to my face, how I can still deal with all that I deal with...
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
The more open I've been about my situation, the more I hear from others that they too have a loved one/family member dealing with the affects of alcoholism!
My ah (alcoholic husband) isn't speaking to me either at the moment...the truth hurts them....its' easier to not talk to us because they don't have to face the hurt and pain they've caused then!
Do something nice for yourself! One thing that someone said to me at a face to face meeting was "Fake it till you make it"...there is wisdom in those words.
Take care of you and I seriously mean this, keep coming back here and feel free to vent away...you are definitely safe here and will receive valuable ideas, information and words! Try to keep an open mind to what you see or hear, people here care and want to tell you what has worked for them. For me, the more I've changed how I think, the better things have become!
Hang in there lady!
Sped teach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 10
My ah just called from work and told me that if I want him to quit drinking.....
Nothing like trying to put all of it on me! I have already told him, that he has choices to make, that nobody can make for him. Ever since ive known him, he has never been held accountable for his own actions. EXCEPT for the time, (about 10 years ago) he was extremely physically abusive (and drinking) and he would physically hurt me. This was before children. At one point he threw me into a wall in which there was a window, where my head went right through the glass. A close male friend was there who witnessed it. What eventually happened after his friend grabbed ahold of him,(there not friends anymore) the police came and brought him to jail. I testified in court and he had to go through Anger Management. That was the only time that I can recall where he was held "accountable" for what he had done. I had a restraining order on him for over a year, and eventually we got back together. He had controlled his violence from that point on, but am now seeing the alcoholic in him intensify. I have heard that in AA its not just quitting the drinking, its a total change in personality thats needed to stay sober. I honestly dont see him changing to that extreme. He believes in a higher power, and is very against ever saying "God D... it". But he will hurt me and his own kids and not think anything of it. I am sure you can sense the anger and hostility in me.
Nothing like trying to put all of it on me! I have already told him, that he has choices to make, that nobody can make for him. Ever since ive known him, he has never been held accountable for his own actions. EXCEPT for the time, (about 10 years ago) he was extremely physically abusive (and drinking) and he would physically hurt me. This was before children. At one point he threw me into a wall in which there was a window, where my head went right through the glass. A close male friend was there who witnessed it. What eventually happened after his friend grabbed ahold of him,(there not friends anymore) the police came and brought him to jail. I testified in court and he had to go through Anger Management. That was the only time that I can recall where he was held "accountable" for what he had done. I had a restraining order on him for over a year, and eventually we got back together. He had controlled his violence from that point on, but am now seeing the alcoholic in him intensify. I have heard that in AA its not just quitting the drinking, its a total change in personality thats needed to stay sober. I honestly dont see him changing to that extreme. He believes in a higher power, and is very against ever saying "God D... it". But he will hurt me and his own kids and not think anything of it. I am sure you can sense the anger and hostility in me.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hmmm, he throws you into a wall, your head goes through the window, and all he has to do is go to a class for anger management???? What is wrong with this picture????
I understand your anger. Question - if he never stops drinking, if the way he acts now is the way he will always act, can you keep living with him this way? Well, sure you can, but do you want to? And if not, do you have a plan? A lot of people find it very liberating and comforting to have a plan if the day comes when you decide you just can't take it anymore. Put some money away, document his behavior in case he starts becoming more violent again, do what ever you need to do to start regaining control of your life and this entire situation. No, you can't control him or his drinking, but you can start making choices and plans that protect you and your kids.
Take care,
JG
I understand your anger. Question - if he never stops drinking, if the way he acts now is the way he will always act, can you keep living with him this way? Well, sure you can, but do you want to? And if not, do you have a plan? A lot of people find it very liberating and comforting to have a plan if the day comes when you decide you just can't take it anymore. Put some money away, document his behavior in case he starts becoming more violent again, do what ever you need to do to start regaining control of your life and this entire situation. No, you can't control him or his drinking, but you can start making choices and plans that protect you and your kids.
Take care,
JG
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
You're Not Alone - But You Need to Be Safe
Originally posted by smoke gets in my eyes
Now... safety first. Please make sure you and the children have a safe place to go if these violent outbursts occur again. He may never have directed his violence at you, but I know a lady who got her arm broken from violence that was directed against a car door. If you don't have friends or family you can go to, check out family shelters in your area and KNOW where you can go.
Now... safety first. Please make sure you and the children have a safe place to go if these violent outbursts occur again. He may never have directed his violence at you, but I know a lady who got her arm broken from violence that was directed against a car door. If you don't have friends or family you can go to, check out family shelters in your area and KNOW where you can go.
I am praying for you.
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
As everyone hassaid before, take care of yourself and your kids
Parts of your story are familiar to me- my A will disappear for a few days, then not drink while he is recovering. However, once he recovers, I can hear that "I'm going out and there's nothing you can do about it" tone in his voice.
Thankfully, he has never even been close to violent. That is worrisome to me. PLEASE be careful!!!!!
Parts of your story are familiar to me- my A will disappear for a few days, then not drink while he is recovering. However, once he recovers, I can hear that "I'm going out and there's nothing you can do about it" tone in his voice.
Thankfully, he has never even been close to violent. That is worrisome to me. PLEASE be careful!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
He may not be actually touching you but he is threatening and intimiating you and that still qualfies as spousal abuse. Not to mention the fact that hes scaring the hell out of the kids. You would be well within your rights to call 911. Maybe a timeout would settle him down. No one should have to put up with abuse.
Only you can decide what you want to do. But if you do decide to go dont inform him until you have all your ducks in a row. Make sure you have a place to go lined up. And you might want to have a third party there. Im sorry but he sounds like he could be violent if confronted.
Only you can decide what you want to do. But if you do decide to go dont inform him until you have all your ducks in a row. Make sure you have a place to go lined up. And you might want to have a third party there. Im sorry but he sounds like he could be violent if confronted.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
my prayers are with you
please go to that al-anon meeting. you will feel even more supported if you have some people with similar experiences in your area you can turn to for support. please keep coming back here too.
the history of physical violence against you along with the intensified drinking worries me too. please take the advice of the other wise folks here and take good care of you and your kids. have somewhere safe to go if needed. and (i know this is hard) start thinking about a plan if you decide you don't want to live with this person any longer.
i am just now starting to work on some goals, plans, and strategies independent of my A....whether we reconcile or not...it is very hard because there's a huge part of me that wants to stay in the fantasy of somehow this will change, i don't want to have to worry about taking care of myself and my daughter all alone, i have so much invested in "this", etc.
but what is the worst thing that will happen if i make a plan for me? even if things do work out with my A (and its ok for me to still hope they will, but i can't expect it anymore)? extra money, someplace to go if needed, a better job, resources for my family, safety, options, etc etc....there's no downside to it, right? so i must do it for me, for my daughter...maybe i'll have some peace of mind too while i work on being more aware, accepting reality, deciding which action to take over time.
hugs.
please go to that al-anon meeting. you will feel even more supported if you have some people with similar experiences in your area you can turn to for support. please keep coming back here too.
the history of physical violence against you along with the intensified drinking worries me too. please take the advice of the other wise folks here and take good care of you and your kids. have somewhere safe to go if needed. and (i know this is hard) start thinking about a plan if you decide you don't want to live with this person any longer.
i am just now starting to work on some goals, plans, and strategies independent of my A....whether we reconcile or not...it is very hard because there's a huge part of me that wants to stay in the fantasy of somehow this will change, i don't want to have to worry about taking care of myself and my daughter all alone, i have so much invested in "this", etc.
but what is the worst thing that will happen if i make a plan for me? even if things do work out with my A (and its ok for me to still hope they will, but i can't expect it anymore)? extra money, someplace to go if needed, a better job, resources for my family, safety, options, etc etc....there's no downside to it, right? so i must do it for me, for my daughter...maybe i'll have some peace of mind too while i work on being more aware, accepting reality, deciding which action to take over time.
hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
TIMOSBH,
WANTED TO STOP IN AND WELCOME YOU. SO GLAD THAT YOU ARE HERE IN A PLACE WHERE WE ALL HAVE SIMILAR SITUATIONS. WE ARE NOT HERE TO JUDGE OR TELL ANYONE WHAT TO DO. WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER AND SHARE OUR THOUGHTS AND EXPERIENCES. SOMETIMES WHEN WE ARE WRAPPED UP IN OUR OWN WORLD WE DON'T SEE THINGS AS CLEARLY AS OTHER CAN FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT FRIENDS.....I HAD REACHED A POINT WHERE I HATED TO BRING IT UP BECAUSE I FELT LIKE A BROKEN RECORD PLAYING OVER AND OVER. I WAS SURE THAT EVERYONE THOUGHT I SHOULD S*** OR GET OFF THE POT! I ONLY HAVE A FEW SELECT FRIENDS NOW THAT I AM COMFORTIBLE AND I HAVE TRIED TO EDUCATE MY MOM (WITH AL-ANON) SO SHE WOULD BE MORE UNDERSTANDING. IT HAS MADE MY LIFE EASIER.
A PLAN OF ESCAPE IS AN EXCELLANT IDEA.....EVEN IF YOU NEVER USE IT, YOU HAVE IT IF YOU NEED IT.
BLESSINGS,
CONSTANT
WANTED TO STOP IN AND WELCOME YOU. SO GLAD THAT YOU ARE HERE IN A PLACE WHERE WE ALL HAVE SIMILAR SITUATIONS. WE ARE NOT HERE TO JUDGE OR TELL ANYONE WHAT TO DO. WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER AND SHARE OUR THOUGHTS AND EXPERIENCES. SOMETIMES WHEN WE ARE WRAPPED UP IN OUR OWN WORLD WE DON'T SEE THINGS AS CLEARLY AS OTHER CAN FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT FRIENDS.....I HAD REACHED A POINT WHERE I HATED TO BRING IT UP BECAUSE I FELT LIKE A BROKEN RECORD PLAYING OVER AND OVER. I WAS SURE THAT EVERYONE THOUGHT I SHOULD S*** OR GET OFF THE POT! I ONLY HAVE A FEW SELECT FRIENDS NOW THAT I AM COMFORTIBLE AND I HAVE TRIED TO EDUCATE MY MOM (WITH AL-ANON) SO SHE WOULD BE MORE UNDERSTANDING. IT HAS MADE MY LIFE EASIER.
A PLAN OF ESCAPE IS AN EXCELLANT IDEA.....EVEN IF YOU NEVER USE IT, YOU HAVE IT IF YOU NEED IT.
BLESSINGS,
CONSTANT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 10
It has been 4 days since my husband has drank. IT's by no means a record, but I am always hopeful. I received a call from my dad this morning, (who is extremely bitter towards my husband) and asked what was going on with him. Everyone is expecting him to drink, and I dont blame them. I do too. Ive seen this over and over again. My family has told me that they would be more supportive to me if I would just leave him. I find myself hiding and making excuses for my husband and where he is, or what he did last weekend. I didnt even tell them about his 3 day bender, they heard from an unknown source.
We have a very nice home that we bought from my husbands parents. I feel that I cant make him move out, because he holds this house over my head, and his parents have been no help. I have pleaded for them to help me and the kids and THEIR SON, but they turn the other cheek. The last time things got really bad, he left, and I was treated very bad by my inlaws. I am in no means wanting to keep this house, but I refuse to uproot my children from their home because of the choices their father makes. Like I said before, I am a home party consultant, and I do make decent money, but not enough to afford our home on my own. I worked very hard on paying off bills and working with creditors for over a year so we could be approved, and I feel I earned my keep here too. Even though if my husband and I were to split up, I could never stay in this house with out him, especially with how my inlaws treated me when he moved out for a few weeks last spring. I really think they thought I could make him quit drinking, but when Ive had enough, they treat me like I was the one at fault. And in a small town like mine, gossip can be nasty. I have to get my priorities straight I guess. I just want my children to be happy, and I know that they are happy here, only when my husband isnt home, or not drinking.
We have a very nice home that we bought from my husbands parents. I feel that I cant make him move out, because he holds this house over my head, and his parents have been no help. I have pleaded for them to help me and the kids and THEIR SON, but they turn the other cheek. The last time things got really bad, he left, and I was treated very bad by my inlaws. I am in no means wanting to keep this house, but I refuse to uproot my children from their home because of the choices their father makes. Like I said before, I am a home party consultant, and I do make decent money, but not enough to afford our home on my own. I worked very hard on paying off bills and working with creditors for over a year so we could be approved, and I feel I earned my keep here too. Even though if my husband and I were to split up, I could never stay in this house with out him, especially with how my inlaws treated me when he moved out for a few weeks last spring. I really think they thought I could make him quit drinking, but when Ive had enough, they treat me like I was the one at fault. And in a small town like mine, gossip can be nasty. I have to get my priorities straight I guess. I just want my children to be happy, and I know that they are happy here, only when my husband isnt home, or not drinking.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Recollections of Childhood
Dear Timosbh,
As I was reading your post I was taken back to my childhood and all the stress that existed in my home. My Father was not a drinking alcoholic but he presented all the emotional signs of someone who was. To this day I wish my Mother had just left, but she was worried how she would take care of my sister and me.
Kids really don't care about the physical aspects of where they live. What is more important is how they live - the emotional aspects. How calm vs. chaotic is the space. This has nothing to do with size of space, rather the vibe. I so wished my childhood had been more calm - less driven by fear and worry. I can't change the past, only influence my future.
I fell lucky in a way that my experience as a child seems to have resulted in my not being attached to a physical space in the sense of feeling sad if I were to have to leave it. However I have associated my success with the "things" I had. Now my response is - "Is that the healthiest way to look at myself?" I am working on not associating my success with what is around me. It sounds as if you are doing the same and asking yourself the tough questions.
Priorities change as people change. When people change for the better so do their priorities.
I am wishing you a good day.
Petunia
As I was reading your post I was taken back to my childhood and all the stress that existed in my home. My Father was not a drinking alcoholic but he presented all the emotional signs of someone who was. To this day I wish my Mother had just left, but she was worried how she would take care of my sister and me.
Kids really don't care about the physical aspects of where they live. What is more important is how they live - the emotional aspects. How calm vs. chaotic is the space. This has nothing to do with size of space, rather the vibe. I so wished my childhood had been more calm - less driven by fear and worry. I can't change the past, only influence my future.
I fell lucky in a way that my experience as a child seems to have resulted in my not being attached to a physical space in the sense of feeling sad if I were to have to leave it. However I have associated my success with the "things" I had. Now my response is - "Is that the healthiest way to look at myself?" I am working on not associating my success with what is around me. It sounds as if you are doing the same and asking yourself the tough questions.
Priorities change as people change. When people change for the better so do their priorities.
I am wishing you a good day.
Petunia
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
first steps
Coming here and sharing was a first step. Going to an Al-Anon meeting, if you can, will be a second step. You are on your way to a better life. Good for you. And this is a safe place, believe it, come here all you want or need to.
You've got plenty of good advice here. I will just add a couple of things. I am fairly new, so these are just my observations.
I've read recently that a person in the throes of alcoholism is indeed insane. You are dealing with an insane person. Adjust your attitudes and decisions accordingly.
And - for me - when I started my own program things did improve. My own attitude improved and he is being more careful of me, maybe it is the accountability fear, like when you had him arrested. You see, they do have more control if they feel like they have to, for their own comfort.
This situation sounds severe. It may be that you will have to strike out on your own and take care of your kids yourself. If so, you can do it, plenty of others have done it. It isn't fair but it is real. It isn't perfect, but calmness and peace can go pretty far in having a good life. Hopefully the two of you can come to a better situation together. If not, you can still be okay.
Good luck and stay in touch, we care.
You've got plenty of good advice here. I will just add a couple of things. I am fairly new, so these are just my observations.
I've read recently that a person in the throes of alcoholism is indeed insane. You are dealing with an insane person. Adjust your attitudes and decisions accordingly.
And - for me - when I started my own program things did improve. My own attitude improved and he is being more careful of me, maybe it is the accountability fear, like when you had him arrested. You see, they do have more control if they feel like they have to, for their own comfort.
This situation sounds severe. It may be that you will have to strike out on your own and take care of your kids yourself. If so, you can do it, plenty of others have done it. It isn't fair but it is real. It isn't perfect, but calmness and peace can go pretty far in having a good life. Hopefully the two of you can come to a better situation together. If not, you can still be okay.
Good luck and stay in touch, we care.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
I wish I had great advice. I often read that we don't tell people what to do here, and its true. We share our experiences and hope it helps. I would like to do that here.
Your situation touches me deeply because there are children involved. You seem to think they would be hurt by the disruption of leaving the house and lifestyle. I found the post by Petunia about childhood to be right on target. I'd would recommend reading it a few times, maybe printing it.
My daughter has exhibited a complete transformation in her personality as a result of being removed from the stress of having an active alcoholic in the home. She is so outgoing, happy, excited to come in and take over the room, chatting away. Willing to assert her opinions, ask for what she wants, disagree and make her case. She used to just go to her room any time he was in the house. I thought she was just quiet, shy. She never actually said much to indicate unhappiness at all.
I learned differently much later. Broke my heart at first. She used to try to gauge the moods in the house before asking anything (because of course I was not so fun to be around when I was dealing with him being in a bad way) and that should not be part of childhood. And my AH was a happy A, never violent, never really angry. Just selfish in ways that controlled our lives. And all the fights we had and the moods it put me in were awful for her.
I am 100% certain that seeing me make the tough decisions, lay down the law with my AH, and fight to ensure we do not have to take that crap from anyone will be one of the best things I could have done as a mother. I set an example for how I would want her to handle the situation if she were ever faced with it. I showed her I believed she was worth it, she was my priority, and the stuff I may lose was not important to me.
I can assure you once it was just the two of us she was very vocal in how glad she was I had done it. I never realized how much she understood, how much she wished things were different, until she told me. She didn't care one bit if it meant I couldn't afford the house anymore. Or anything else like that. She was even ready to accept we'd have to delay a trip to Disney we had planned and saved for for YEARS. She had no doubt it was the right decision. She loved him, and wanted him well, but was able to see that our happiness counts too. She wasn't clouded by codependent yuk like me.
Since then my AH and I have reconciled after he went into recovery and he is still early in sobriety. We are all very happy and my daughter and I tell him all the time "we love the new you". She also knows that I will never accept the lifestyle we lived with the old him again. The boundaries are set and we all know them in our house. That sense of security is so huge for children.
You mention hiding things from others because you don't want to face them if they knew everything. Maybe that is one thing you should change, for the kids sake, since that means no one really knows what they are living with either.
OK, wow, this is long and I am sorry if it is preaching. I really am just trying to share my experience, one Mom to another. The pain we feel when we look back and think we didn't do what was best for our children is so much deeper than any we feel because we didn't do best for ourselves. That is the moral of my story.
I'll be praying for you.
Your situation touches me deeply because there are children involved. You seem to think they would be hurt by the disruption of leaving the house and lifestyle. I found the post by Petunia about childhood to be right on target. I'd would recommend reading it a few times, maybe printing it.
My daughter has exhibited a complete transformation in her personality as a result of being removed from the stress of having an active alcoholic in the home. She is so outgoing, happy, excited to come in and take over the room, chatting away. Willing to assert her opinions, ask for what she wants, disagree and make her case. She used to just go to her room any time he was in the house. I thought she was just quiet, shy. She never actually said much to indicate unhappiness at all.
I learned differently much later. Broke my heart at first. She used to try to gauge the moods in the house before asking anything (because of course I was not so fun to be around when I was dealing with him being in a bad way) and that should not be part of childhood. And my AH was a happy A, never violent, never really angry. Just selfish in ways that controlled our lives. And all the fights we had and the moods it put me in were awful for her.
I am 100% certain that seeing me make the tough decisions, lay down the law with my AH, and fight to ensure we do not have to take that crap from anyone will be one of the best things I could have done as a mother. I set an example for how I would want her to handle the situation if she were ever faced with it. I showed her I believed she was worth it, she was my priority, and the stuff I may lose was not important to me.
I can assure you once it was just the two of us she was very vocal in how glad she was I had done it. I never realized how much she understood, how much she wished things were different, until she told me. She didn't care one bit if it meant I couldn't afford the house anymore. Or anything else like that. She was even ready to accept we'd have to delay a trip to Disney we had planned and saved for for YEARS. She had no doubt it was the right decision. She loved him, and wanted him well, but was able to see that our happiness counts too. She wasn't clouded by codependent yuk like me.
Since then my AH and I have reconciled after he went into recovery and he is still early in sobriety. We are all very happy and my daughter and I tell him all the time "we love the new you". She also knows that I will never accept the lifestyle we lived with the old him again. The boundaries are set and we all know them in our house. That sense of security is so huge for children.
You mention hiding things from others because you don't want to face them if they knew everything. Maybe that is one thing you should change, for the kids sake, since that means no one really knows what they are living with either.
OK, wow, this is long and I am sorry if it is preaching. I really am just trying to share my experience, one Mom to another. The pain we feel when we look back and think we didn't do what was best for our children is so much deeper than any we feel because we didn't do best for ourselves. That is the moral of my story.
I'll be praying for you.
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