HHTexas

Just got home from a weekend visiting my family. RAH wanted to stay home and have AA friends over to hang out. Fine with me, no problem. I just got home and 1) all of our wedding photos are off of the wall (WTF?! - supposedly because AA friend just broke up with his GF and he didn't want to make him feel bad) and 2) he drank.

Recap - he did full treatment in Jan, had 6 months, relapsed, went again and agreed to go to marital counseling with me and now 2 months later, here I am again, devistated.

Complicating matters is the fact that we go on vacation with my parents in 2 weeks. Bleh.

Not looking forward to his oncoming spiral into oblivion. Trying to figure out my options right now. He's passed out in the bedroom.

Still Waters

He drank with his AA friends? What?

Sounds like a lot of quacking to me HH. Me? I'd change those vacation plans to me going off with my parents, while he moves himself out of my home.

Carol Star

Sounds like you have put up with enough. Can you trust him? I would not take him on vacation. Insanity....doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.......Wedding pics off the wall? Very strange.......

Pelican

What kind of recovery program teaches hiding from emotions as theraputic?
How are wedding pictures a threat to a gf/bf relationship?

Sounds like he needs to wake up and discover what HIS options are: Which AA buddy will let him start sofa surfing?

I'm sorry you came home to this drama. You deserve to be respected in your home by your partner.

Lola1024

Sorry you had to come home to that mess. The wedding pictures off the wall is just downright wacky and the excuse for it is lame at best.

Do what you need to - take care of and protect yourself. You don't have to keep him around to watch that "spiral to oblivion". Watching that is optional.

LexieCat

Um,

Sounds to me like he might have had someone other than his "AA friends" over to the house... Who else might he not want to see wedding photos...?

Maybe that's just my naturally suspicious mind talking....

groybin

I'm with Lexiecat...does your AH wear a wedding ring? Was he wearing it when you came home?
This sounds really suspicious. You need to find out the "whole story" since you sexual health may be at risk.

Troubledsister

I just got back from an interrupted vaca w parents and AB (addict brother) and I can tell you -- DO NOT go on this vacation! or atleast not w your addict husband. My family and I left after just 2 days (there wasn't any drinking or drugging, just your typical selfishness, narcissism, oh and his 5 year old pinching my kids the whole time!)

Save yourself some misery and get some distance...

Just my 2 cents.

BuffaloGal

This sounds like an incomplete story to me, half of the truth. The missing photos may well have nothing to do with any potential infidelity-- I'd be cautious in reaching any conclusions. But still, yeah, I agree that you haven't heard what really happened.

Keep in mind that his downward spiral is no reflection on you. Whatever you decide about the vacation, take care of you first

dollydo

His story does not compute. Drinking with AA buddies, what? When 2+2 equals 5, there may be a problem.

HHTexas

Update - I suspect pictures were down because there was a girl over. I found a text message and confronted him about it. Says he's been unhappy in our marriage and didn't want to hurt me so I guess this was a way to sabotage it. Ugh... we had a longggg talk last night. He feels emotionally disconnected, blah blah. For now, I'm moving to the guest bedroom. Our next therapy session is next week. Says he wants to work through it. I'm deciding if I want to work on it. He then promptly went out to get a beer.

On a good note, went to an al anon meeting today for the first time in several weeks and stayed after to talk to two of the members. They gave me a lot of good advice and encouragement. Suggested I let his sponsor know what's going on so they might do a 12th step call.

dollydo

No surprise here. I am sorry, glad that you are attending meetings. Sounds like his recovery is over.

Don't know what he told you, but, I would discard half as pure fodder. Unfortunately, Alcoholics and Drug Addicts are bald faced liers, part of the disease!

Keep moving forward, and keep posting it will help.

LexieCat

Ya know, I think *I* am offended that he would use his "AA buddies" as an excuse. I know, it doesn't make one bit of difference to you what his excuse is (nor should it). It just strikes me as almost adding insult to injury.

Pelican

I'm glad you have some face-to-face support. Staying in touch with your home group is a great idea. I needed my home group to help me calm my mind when I was overwhelmed with choices and decisions to make.

My home group and SR have helped me over and over.

We are also here to support you. Let us know how.

keepinon

How wasted is he that he didn't put the pictures back up? Sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. Lexiecat..the AA thing was totally insulting, but having a woman to the house? No respect.Zero. I am truly sorry . Keep going to ALanon!

transformyself

Horrible. I'm so sorry.

I'll say what the other's haven't: this is textbook cheater language, just like there is textbook drunk language. I'm an expert, after my AH's three affairs. The last time, I shifted into taking care of myself immediatly, but the initial shock is so painful. It's immobilizing.

I'm so glad you're going to al anon, getting face to face support from friends there. Be sure to drink lots of water. Don't forget to eat. Please don't go to him for comfort or support.

The "snooping" really helped me uncover the truth, because being gaslighted is tortuous. What's the truth? Can this be happening?

The final time, when I totally immersed myself in taking care of myself, I became very much super-hero like. It was amazing, I worked so hard on myself, I didn't want him to steal another minute from my life. This website helped me more than anything else
www.survivinginfidelity.com

You'll find out how strong you are. You have courage and strength the size of Texas. Please let us know how you're doing. And if you're anything like me, don't run him over with the car.

naive

i really can't see the point of marriage counseling if he is actively drinking.

here are some translations:

"i'm really not happy in the marriage" = "you're getting in the way of my drinking"

"i really want to work it out" = "i'm too cosy in our home to leave, plus you do all the cooking, bill paying, etc."

"i feel emotionally disconnected" = "i need a drink!"

"let's go to therapy" = "sure, i'll go talk a bunch of bs that you want to talk about and this will all die down soon"

naive

Learn2Live

This makes me sick, remembering going through this crap. My heart is racing just thinking about this. Automatically, my brain says "OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Blame Blame Blame Blame Blame. What is the point in having a conversation with this? quack quack quack

Where are you most comfortable? In the original BR or the guest BR? Whichever place is more comfortable for YOU, that is where you should sleep. That is my opinion.

Carol Star

Yep...my first thought that the pics were down was there was a girl there.....I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. I got the Abandonment Book yesterday and it really opening my eyes....I had been reacting to all the times I had been abandoned my whole life......I think it is great you are going to Alanon. Work the program you wish he would work.....let go or be dragged.....For me infidelity+drinking would be dealbreakers. He will probably just lie at therapy. We don't deserve this. He sounds so much like my X. I cut him loose and now 3 yrs. later I am so much happier without the drama and chaos. Don't get me wrong...it was hard. My therapist said my integrity got me out. Now- it is a relief to be gone. He wasn't who I kept telling myself he was. I feel sorry for the girl he is with now. My sponser gave me an affirmation to say to myself....."I'll get through this with grace and ease." One bite of the elephant at a time. I got strong with meetings and recovery friends. I got out of the house and started talking to lawyers. Two talked to me free. Now on the other side of it all I am so glad.

coyote21

Howdy from one of your neighbors.

Since you're from Texas when I read your post about his nonsense and being passed out on the bed, and you were pondering your options, that old story Willie Nelson tells on himself came to mind.

The one where his wife/gf meticulously sewed him up in the sheets and then beat the daylights out of him with a skillet/broom, can't remember the details. Ah, good times.

Any way, seems Transformie and I are often on the same page in our "knee jerk" reactions to drunken nonsense. Try to NOT think like us, O.K.?

Good luck, and BTW, counseling seems like a waste of time/money. But then the counselor may have a kid to put through school, so what do I know.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote