queenteree

As many of you may know, my son has been a constant source of support for me for the past year (since AH left me last year, jail time, etc.) He got me thru the worst of it, it was like having a meeting every night. Anyway, since I put AH out on Thursday, my son has not even been around me, not even asked me if I was ok, or "would you like to talk?", etc. So last nite, after the neighbors left, I went up to my son's room and said "I really need your support on this whole thing, I'm going thru a rough time". He glared at me, and said "no Mom, I'm not doing it!" I was taken aback!!!! How could my son, who has always been so good to me and been there for me, be so mean???? Anyway, I started crying, cause I didn't understand how he could do this. He then said (firmly, I may add), "Mom, don't you remember when he was getting out of jail and you wanted to let him back in ... I told you absolutely not, don't do it, make him work for it, then after a year, consider it ...?" I was like "yeah, I remember that, and I remember telling you that he had no where to go, that I was gonna put boundaries in place, etc." My son said "well, then do you remember I said "if you let him back in, the same thing is most likely to happen because it will be too easy for him, and I can't see you go thru again what you just went thru, and that if it happened, I was not going to be there for you. That was my boundary Mom ... you made that choice when you let him back in" I was like WOW, I didn't "remember" that part ... which then got my son to listen and talk a little to me. He said of course you didn't remember that part ... you didn't want to remember that part. It all looked good to you to let AH in. You had the thought "maybe this time will be different" As months went by, there were some good times and some bad ... and things started getting worse and worse with his attitude ... Mom, you are addicted to him, it's the only way I can explain it. Just as he blew thru $80,000, got 3 dwi's, went to jail, etc., you suffered the loss too, you lost that money also, you dealt with taking him upstate for his dwi's, you lost alot yourself and had hit bottom, but ... then after a few months (while AH was gone and in jail) ... you were doing great, you were in "recovery", you adapted to a new life without him ... vowed never to do it again, and slowly he re-entered the picture ... and you thought "maybe this time ..." same as AH lost it all, lost all that money, went to jail, lost his wife and family ... and then when he picked up that beer this time thought "maybe this time will be different ... maybe this time, I will drink like a "normal" drinker ..." You need to give up your drug of choice Mom, you need to finally give up AH ... cause like an alcoholic can never drink like "normally", no matter how many times they try, you take AH back and your life will never be normal, no matter how many times you try ...

All I can say is WOW! What a wise son I have!

PS My son also told me I should go to an AA meeting, I said but I'm not an alcoholic, and he said but you're addicted to AH so when you go to that meeting, just replace it in your mind with "A holes Annonymous" LOL (meaning AH is an a hole, in case you didn't get it)!

laurie6781

You have a very WISE SON!!!!! I hope you listen to him.

Have you finally reached the point of being "sick and tired of being sick and tired"?

You know we are here for you .......................... however, most of us will be sharing the same things we shared with you several years ago.

It is now up to you as to what you are going to do for you and those grand babies you have custody of.

Please keep letting us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

LexieCat

Wow. You DO have a smart son!

Impurrfect

(((QT))) back when I was with my first XABF (yeah, slow learner here, I have 3!!) I lost some good friends because they got tired of ME doing the same thing over and over, with nothing changing. I'd take him back, whine/complain/pout/etc. that he hadnt changed, split up, then take him back and start all over. The people who love us can get just as tired of OUR "relapses" as those of the A.

Your son does sound very wise Maybe the thought of alienating your support, your son, is YOUR codie bottom?

I truly wish it hadn't taken me more than 30 years to reach MY codie bottom, but I'm very grateful I finally did! Step 1 is a great place to start!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

barb dwyer

Maybe he's right you might want to go check out an aa meeting.
not like you're going to run into the AH there, anyhow,
bnut I've met a LOT of Alanons who benefit tremendously from visiting a meeting.

wow.

Great kid.

queenteree

LOL, yep, not like he's gonna be there! But I really may check one out tomorrow nite ....

queenteree

It was a real eye opener for me, I truly could not understand why he was being so cold to me ... and last night, after our talk, he put the boundary in writing so that I could not forget it ... said he will not be here if I ever take him back, he will not do this anymore!

coffeedrinker

wow, what a story.

how are you managing, queen

veryregretful

hmmmmmm sounds like me. He has been gone a couple times in a few years. This time is the third. The other two times I took him back while he was still drinking but thought it would be different.

It looks like I may be addicted to my AH. That definately gives me something to think about. I bet my kids feel the same way. "why is going to come back when nothing changes"

I think this is my codi bottom. I'm looking into the future with just me and the kids.

This is a great thread!!

queenteree

Thanks for all your support ... I'm doing really well, actually. When my son was putting out the garbage last nite, he said to me "you seem like you're doing really well, mom" and I am. I needed to hear what he had to say ... something about that talk just really made it real for me, put it into perspective in a who;e new different way. I mean, every excuse I made to my son during our talk the other night, he came back w/such a logical response. Like I said to him "But I always wanted to be married, I want someone to support and comfort me, be there for me, and I kept thinking it would be different each time, I am a very family oriented person", and son was like "Mom, God does not give you what you want, He gives you what you need, it might not be the way you want it, but you get it. Where was the love, support and comfort coming from? Certainly not him ... but yet, I love you, I comfort you, I am here for you ... see what I mean ... you wanted a husband to do all that, well God knew that but He wanted you to have a son to do all that .... and you're raising two beautiful girls, you have the family you wanted to be "oriented" around" It's there for you Mom, just not in the way you wanted it ...

I am just so very grateful for my son ...

Bolina

I know I harp on about consequences often on here, but this is why. I firmly believe that once the time has come to be thinking about, and setting, boundaries, then it is almost inevitable that they will be ignored unless they are enforced by consequences. Because boundaries without consequences are just empty threats.

You forgot about your son's boundaries, just like your husband has ignored yours. Can you see why your husband didn't comply with yours now?

I hope you can use your son's brave actions as a springboard for a better life for you all. And give him a massive hug from me. It's not easier following through on boundaries with parents. Good for you for being able to take it on the chin and be so positive about it.

queenteree

(((Bolina))) I just wanted to let you know that while everyone here is a source of strength and support for me, your posting one of my old posts and suggestion to go back and read my old posts (which I have done thanks to you) have just re-affirmed how sick my "addiction" is .... I actually forgot how bad it was .... just as the alcoholic does ... I will not forget it anymore, and if I ever feel the "desire" to try just "one more time", I am going to think of my son's boundary and your suggestion to re-read my posts, that should put it in perspective. Again, thank you so much.

Bolina

(((QT)))

You're doing great. It's not going to be easy from now on, I am sure, but hopefully this clarity will make it a bit simpler.

Sometimes we run out of "second" chances. And that's perfectly OK.

Mambo Queen

Wow, Queen--what an awesome son you have! We're in a very similar boat, because also on Thursday, I finally decided to be completely done with my XAH and go no contact--and the difference this time as opposed to other times is I too admitted my powerlessness to other people and ASKED FOR HELP. I am currently living with my mother, and I told her--you need to field any calls that may come from him or his sister, I asked for help from a co-worker with dodging his calls at work, etc. Because I know that right now, I'm NOT strong enough to stand up to his manipulation, guilt trips, etc. on my own. Good job Queen! Us Queens need to stick together and stay strong!

coffeedrinker

Oh my gosh, reminds me of the great scene in "Under the Tuscan Sun" when at the end, although it wasn't her own wedding, or the family she envisioned.....

Martini: I think you got your wish.
Frances: My wish?
Martini: On that day we looked for the snake, you said there wanted there to be a wedding here. And you said... you wanted there to be a family here.
Frances: You're right... I got my wish. I got everything I asked for.

(What a great movie; think I will watch it tonight)

Learn2Live

There is a way to get from yourSELF, the feelings of comfort and protection you have been longing for from a husband. I too was the same way and sought out the same types of people. I am not sure why we do this but I know for certain that if you go to Al-Anon and keep working on yourself you can learn to "parent yourself." i have had to teach myself how to soothe myself during times of stress and hardship. It has been a long road but I am getting there. I have abused cigarettes for 30 years as a way to soothe myself. There are much better alternatives. I am so glad you have such a mature and wise son. You should really give yourself a big pat on the back for the good job you did raising him, and recognize what part you have played in his strong emotional development. Bravo Queen!!! Keep up the good work!