Sylvie66

Hi all - I haven't been here in awhile, but I could use some instant advice. I just got a call from a friend that my ABF was being tested by the police downtown, on his way home from work. I was probably improvident with my initial reaction to that news.... thankfully, it was her, and not him.

How is this best approached when I do see him again? If he's contrite, what's the best model to try for? If he's angry, what do I say? I need words! I honestly hope that he gets some Serious Consequences from the police. But he's 'famous' in our small town, so I doubt it. Was he driving MY car under the influence? Because if he was, I want to know how to revoke his driving privileges without completely alienating him, if possible. OTOH, driving drunk is absolutely so far beyond my outer limits of acceptability ....!!

Yikes. Help me out, please!

- Sylvie

PS we live together, and he's on the insurance.

CarolD

I have no clue. I am sorry to know you live with
a drinker. He sounds very unstable to me.

barb dwyer

Hi Sylvie.


Take him off the insurance.
That part is simple.

About how to behave with him -
that's completely up to you.

Unless you've got the money
for your insurance to quadruple
I'd take the keys
and make him buy his own car.

But that's just me.

I spent most of my adult life supporting some man or other
while I personally went without sometimes the most basic of things.

So my approach
isn't going to be one that's all love and light.

But -
welcome back to the forum!!

I hope somebody comes along and can help!

Impurrfect

(((Sylvie))) - I went back and read your other posts.

This is where you decide what boundaries you have, and stick to them. If he has, in fact, been pulled over for DUI, is this REALLY the kind of guy you want around your boys? Who's to say he won't get in a car, drunk, WITH them, while you're at work?

If he was driving your car, I'd make sure he never did it again, but that's just me. You've been having a problem with his drinking (with every right) and now he's taken it to another level. If he doesn't suffer any consequences from you, he will assume it's okay, not a problem.

FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codie. I've had to get sick and tired of the consequences of my behavior, on both issues, before I was able to throw myself into recovery.

As long as he can do what he wants, without any consequences, he will. Every addict/alcoholic who can continue using/drinking and have someone "there for them" to take all the ****, well...they have no reason to even think of changing.

The only ones we can change is us. You are responsible for you and your boys. The ABF is a grown man and needs to be responsible for himself.

Most of us have "been there", where you are, several are still there. SR is a great place, but I highly recommend getting some f2f support, as well. You may also want to check into getting your OWN insurance, and let him deal with his. Should he drink and drive again, hurt or kill someone, he may very well take you and the boys down with him.

I don't mean to sound all doom-and-gloom, but he seems like he has no intention of changing a thing. It's up to you, as to what you will tolerate.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

jmf7dd

I'm a little confused about the situation... I'm thinking it is this. Your boyfriend, a drinker, perhaps an alcoholic, got arrested or at least detained for testing while driving your car and now your awaiting to here what happened. If this is the case, here's my advice, and I believe an alanon member's opinion/in sight might even help you more.... but...
I am an alcoholic, I'm 60 days sober today. And this is not my first time 'trying' to get sober. I have 1 dui, and that didn't teach me a lesson or make me get sober... Everyone has a different 'LOW' that brings them to sobriety. And who knows what that will be for your boyfriend. I would suggest that you learn about co-dependancy if you are not familiar with it, and do the best you possibly can to stop being that in his life. That might put him in a situation that could lead him to getting sober..., knowing that you will not be there when this behavior and drinking continues to harm him and there by harm you. An easy idea to say and think but a very hard idea to put into practice... I know from personal history myself. I often wonder if I hadn't had so many people in my life that I 'used' and that were co-dependant to me If I would of gotten sober sooner... saving countless years of wasted hurt I inflicted on others and myself... But I did finally get sober. I hit my 'low' and here I am, sober. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Remember that by allowing this behavior to continue without confrontation is 'condoning' it for the alcoholic. All they see is that they had no consiquence from their partner so it must not be 'that bad' and they continue to repeat the behavior over and over like a record stuck on repeat...

Carol Star

My XAH was on my insurance and they dropped me like a rock. I had State Farm for 20 yrs. Dropped. They don't play. My cars (he totalled) one -------suffered. He was always denting them,and beating them up. He just didn't have a normal conscience or something about my things....or anything for that matter....now 5yrs. later he doesn't drive.....lost licsence for a long time.....had to sell his car for living expenses.......not my problem by the grace of God....

jmf7dd

Always nice when you can realize there are somethings you can not change, somethings you can.... The KNOWING the difference is when we get serenity

Pelican

His drinking + His driving = His consequences.

I would not offer rides, money for fines or tolerate less contributions into the household budget. Those were my boundaries with my X. He continued to drink and drive, so I removed myself from the danger zone.

Your response to this situation is your choice.

SashaMB

One thing that is difficult about the likelihood of a DUI being someone's "rock bottom," is that most people are genuinely surprised that THEY could get a DUI. Most people think they are totally above a DUI because they base their drinking/driving decisions on how they feel, not the amount they have consumed. Think about anytime you ask someone if they are okay to drive. They almost always say that they are fine to drive because they *feel* fine. The decision is never related to how much they have had to drink. Same with the alcohol at home. How much or how often they have have been drinking is irrelevant because the only question the drinker is concerned with is how they *feel* at the moment. So, when someone gets a DUI, often the first reaction is not regret or shame, it's indignation that they should dare to be accused of a DUI when they know that they felt perfectly fine. The more someone drinks, the more it feels fine, normal, acceptable, etc. As others have said, your boundaries need to be based on what you *know* is acceptable to you and your kids, not how your AH *feels* about it.

LexieCat

Re the insurance--taking him "off" your insurance probably won't do any good. Most insurers base their rate on the driving record of any other drivers in the home, simply because it is so easy for him to take your car with or without your permission. The insurance company is likely to wind up on the hook for whatever happens with your car, with or without your permission. Even if he has his own insurance, your rate will more than likely go up.

Re "the words", what you say probably won't make much difference. For some people one DUI scares them straight, but they seem to be in the minority.

Bucyn

I don't think you can revoke his driving privileges; only the court or state can do that. You can revoke his right to drive your car and take him off the insurance. How to do that? Simply say, "You can't drive my car" and take away the keys. Will he be offended? That's up to him. But probably yes, he will try to bully you.

I had a Miata convertible my husband drove. He was supposed to pay me $300 a month to drive it and did until May 2009. In July 2009 he had an accident with it in the parking lot at work and did $2000 of damage.

Did he pay for it? Did he think he should pay the $300 a month? Nope, he told me it was my problem and if I needed the money I should get a second job or put it on my credit cars. I was working 40 hours a week, he was working 32 hours a week, and if anyone should get a second job it should be him (but of course it would interfere with his 3 day weekends and extra drinking time and his fantasy of being a house husband supported by his wife).

So I cut him off. Until he came up with the money, he couldn't drive it. He was outraged. Now he had to drive his own crappy, beat up, old vehicles. His reasoning, "I don't think I'll ever forgive you, you know I'm a car guy, you know how important cars are to me."

This coming from a man who thought that no one should be mad about anything for more than two weeks (the things I was mad about were things like he didn't spend much of our honeymoon with me because it would upset his mommy and she hit me in the face and I cut her off, etc... serious stuff).

So I said, "Well, I've been hearing from you for 4 years now that people should get over things in 2 weeks. So I expect you'll be over this in two weeks, right?"

"I was wrong about that. I'll never get over this."

Fine. Great marriage we got, huh?

So he stomped around posturing. If he couldn't drive my car, he forbade it to be parked in the driveway, after all it was his house too, and he wouldn't allow it to be parked. I just stared at him and thought, *******. He stomped away and thought better of it. After all he had THREE junkers parked in the driveway and if I couldn't park my pretty little Miata at our house, then maybe I would say he couldn't park his junkers. He came back and retracted. "I know that's what you were thinking...."

Nope, never occurred to me, because it never occurred to me that I wouldn't park my Miata on my own property. I just laughed at him. He was such a fool.

He also tried to tell me that if he couldn't drive my Miata, my teenage son couldn't drive it. Guess what? It was my car, and my husband couldn't drive it and my teenage son could. He hadn't smashed it up, so he could drive it. Because I said so, and Alkie H has no say in the matter. And my son did drive it until I got rid of the Miata through Swap-a-lease.

My guess is if you say your Alkie can't drive the car, he'll do whatever he can to give you grief about it, and pout and sulk and try to make his transportation problems your problems, and hold it against you until you enable him again.

I don't think the chances are high that he'll say, "Aw well, I guess you are right, I probably shouldn't be driving..."

Sylvie66

God bless you all! I really needed the reassurance! He did get arrested, it 'wasn't his fault', and I am 'punishing him' by not letting him drive the car, or giving him rides to work. FWIW, I am the only one he knows (besides the idiotic police) who treats him like an alcoholic.... ! (His lawyer brother offered to come over for a drink and to go over the DUI papers - I had to leave. He did say no to the drink, and gave his brother all the alcohol in the house - except a bottle of wine, to 'celebrate' a year from now. I told him I wouldn't be joining him, sorry). He's a musician, and his whole family drinks - they have always seen me as a bit of a wet blanket. Now they think I'm being manipulative.

Sheesh. Just seeing all this written down makes my stance so much easier to hold on to, even when he defended himself so strongly today that I cried. So, I cried. I still said no to him.

I haven't talked to the insurance company yet - I'm not sure what their policy is, but my guess is that I will wind up selling the car. I don't really need one, and it's been my biggest expense anyway. I most certainly won't pay a higher premium - he can, if it's even possible. Will he break up with me over it?? He well might, and it will be his loss, because I have been a true friend to him.

I will be back... the saga ends either when I leave for good, or he quits for good. I hate drama, so this ... stinks.

Thank you all again. I'll go to the next AlAnon meeting, too.

- Sylvie

Learn2Live

I wouldn't involve the insurance company until the car is sold. If you have him excluded from your policy, if he drives your car and wrecks, then YOU are liable for any damage he causes to someone or something else. You don't want to expose yourself to this kind of risk, do you?

barb dwyer

A DUI is almost NEVER a 'rock bottom' because

once it's over and they get their 'sentence'

they give up AA, quit sobriety,

and go right back to what they were doing.

I've been in AA four years.

Seen a THOUSAND of 'em.

I worked off and on in insurance for years.
I know that, here in MT -
a DUI is going to increase the insurance ON THAT POLICY 4x.

And that is just Montana rates, and a decade old, at that.

The person GETTING the DUI - won't get more insurance for less than ...

(it's been almost ten years) in the 'hood of 2500.00.
If his name was on the policy - your own insurance could be affected, hon.
Sorry - but true.
You wouldn't know until renewal time.

It's not fair - but the insurance biz has NEVER been about being 'fair'.
it's about taking as much money as you can and not giving any if you don't have to.

Why- because the information on the car was written down and recorded.