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update- on "caretaker"

Old 09-05-2010, 09:17 AM
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update- on "caretaker"

update on situation here- thanks in advance for your support. I feel helpless this morning.

told s that he needs to be out in a month. It was the first time we spoke since he came back from jail/court. he was as usual,a defensive, rude, denial expert.
he said that the court defender stood up and told the court that he is indigent, and that they cannot charge him with failure to appear (guess that is what it was) he says that he was wrongly charged in the first place, with a thimble full of pot, and being homeless. I give up trying to understand what happened. I let it go. he is so scattered , and in major denial, so i dont think he even knows for sure what happened, except that he feels he was wrongly charged in the first place. As I say- I give it up. doesnt matter now. Letting it go. I cant help it, was not my fault, even if he was wrongly charged,I did not do it. I cant fix it, either. regardless, the charges are dropped - fines too.
letting it go.

I looked up evictions. and the landlady has to pay 110$ to file, and then show in court, to get him out. i risk being sent packing too, since he was not supposed to be here, and the lease says that any time police are called here, the renter can be evicted. so, i am going to do it some other way.

I told him this am that he has a month to be out. that i will have his car donated, or towed, or junked if he does not leave.
told him that he is abusing me, by the anger, and the arguing, etc.
he says he is the abused, the misunderstood, the victim.
i will not go into the stupid arguing that I let myself be drawn into, except that he says that I am sick, and looking for things to be obsessed about. boy, pushed my buttons, but i remained reasonably calm, and told him that I will not let anyone live with me, and to treat me as he has.
told him that he is a man first , then my son.
told him i would take him to the shelter, where they have programs.
he said he is trying to find work, and i dont even know how much he is doing in that respect.
i told him that it didn;t matter, even with a job he must go.

i just get so blown away,by these things. i feel so alone, in dealing with this. he was nasty, and i told him that i will not let him frighten me, be violent, or damaging, and that i would call the cops as soon as he does any of those things.

i was crying in the other room, and he asked if i was alright!!! how can he ask that???
I said no- its not alright. his anger cools when he sees me cry, and I dont want him to see that. i want to be strong, but i feel so weak- like life blood is being sucked right out of me.
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:39 AM
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(((chicory)))

you go ahead and cry.
Your home.
Your tears.
Your feelings.

His interpretation/reaction is his business.

For today, you did what you needed to do. You stated your desire to have him leave. Good on you.

Try to do something nice for yourself today.

You are not alone. We are here.
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:53 AM
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^^^^ so totally agree with this....THIS TOO SHALL PASS

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2700145

read this...may help
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:54 AM
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Pelican,

Thank you , for saying that. There are so many good people in this world. I am so thankful for your friendship
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:55 AM
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thank you fourMaggie,

appreciate your support, and I am going to read that, right now,
hugs,
chicory
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:55 AM
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I"m sorry Chicory. I know this is so hard, but you're doing fantastic work. Who says us old dogs can't learn new tricks!?! You're amazing! I"m so proud of you.

I've learned this summer with my neighbors, which you may remember, that creating boundaries is easy, holding them can be tough.

I"m sending you prayers and big hugs.
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:28 AM
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I agree with Transformie,

You are doing GREAT. You can't go by how you feel to judge whether you're doing great. Sometimes doing the very best things for yourself are very hard and painful.

But you will GROW. You will learn to accept that you have done all you can for him and are now doing what is best for both of you, painful though it is.

Don't overthink what will happen if you have to call the police. I BELIEVE in many places there are laws to protect victims from losing their housing due to the act of another. Your local housing authority may have information on that. Regardless of the consequences to your own housing, though, living in fear of another person in your home is not an option. It can't be.

Keep doing the "next right thing" and your life WILL GET BETTER.

I'm really proud of how you have been handling all of this so far--you are doing great.
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:42 AM
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Keep doing the "next right thing" and your life WILL GET BETTER.
Lexie and I must be on the same wave length today. I just said the same thing to Transformie in her thread. It is true...and it can be exhausting...but hang tough, Chicory. You WILL get there! One breath, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. You can do it.
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Old 09-05-2010, 03:00 PM
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well done.

i think it's ok to let him see you cry. you feel sad, you want to cry, be yourself. be natural.

i really wish you had some face-to-face support...what about alanon? is there one near you?

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Old 09-05-2010, 06:15 PM
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There is one in town, but it is not a healthy one , for one guy dominates, with the same long story each week. he is nice, but ......

there are a few, further away. i will try one of them. i work full time ,and it is hard to get used to spending time out late . i have been so exhausted lately, 8pm seems late.

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Old 09-05-2010, 06:45 PM
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All of us are here for you, Chickory.

Myself and my loving furbaby send you loving and supportive hugs.......:ghug3
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Old 09-05-2010, 06:57 PM
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Aw, Linkmeister and furbaby,
thank you! I have some furbabies, too. four of them, actually.

they always love me!
hugs,and thanks for being here. it helps so very much.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:25 PM
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chicory - I know you don't *feel* like you're being abused, but you are. I would REALLY like to see you talk to a domestic violence counselor. The counseling is free and they really are experts at empowering women, especially in a situation like yours. They will help you so much in getting your head on straight(er), not to mention giving you all kinds of guidance about the laws that apply in your situation.

The national hotline number is 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

The Ohio Domestic Violence Resource center website is: Ohio DV Resource Center —

Please call.
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Old 09-06-2010, 12:46 PM
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I believe in the "this, too, shall pass," idea but--for me--it only worked if I took action. If I did nothing, then nothing is precisely what happened. I agree that you can't second guess what your land lady's response will be when she finds out that there is another person living with you whom you now want to leave.

The mere fact that you want to force him to leave may make her assume that he moved in without your permission--and you are just trying to follow the rules of the lease.

I ignore the "poor me, I'm the victim here" crap because it's B.S. Just because this tactic worked in the past doesn't mean it will work now that you're wise to his manipulative and threatening behaviors. The game is over. The rules have changed. You are in charge here--not him.

I also agree that it may be beneficial to seek help from a domestic violence counselor. DV counselors have loads of experience dealing with situations just like the one you find yourself in today.

So, what can you expect next? Your son will likely try every trick in the book to maintain status quo--him doing nothing--and you accepting that. When he ruffles your feathers and you feel weak, sad, or confused, log on here. I will be here to listen, to support you, and cheer you on because YOU ROCK!
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Old 09-06-2010, 06:05 PM
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I also am surprised about a law if police are called often eviction may be an option, could understand if they were coming to arrest the main tenant a few times.

This would encourage people from calling police if they needed them.

If someone got hurt and opted out of reporting for fear of eviction one wonders if the apt. would not be held to some sort of liability for that.

Everyone has a right to feel safe by knowing the police are a phone call away.

You are doing great with your rules. Know how tough this is for you and have been following your situation. He sure got out his court case pretty good and that seemed to have left you to implement your plan immediately.

With mine the APS reported to me that they interviewed stepmom and Dad and guess what? The whole reason street people have to help them (from lack of money), they are broke, the house is falling apart, banruptcy, etc... is because:

Of us grown kids! Seems us lazy whelps are not helping out in their situation.

At first I was about to get angry, but calmly talked to social worker and led her to property records that proved non payment of taxes started at their marriage and lawn liens ate away at his income properties intended for his old age care.

But from knowing about ACOA which I learned about on here I knew this was not a surprising accusation.

I also told the Social Worker I had taken care of my alcoholic Mom and was not about to spend effort and weekends doing the same for the mess going on now.

AND best part: only casually emailed this to a sibling. No frantic calling up and telling what we were accused of, recalling the social worker, getting worked up, yelling at my stepmom...

Did have a bad day as this is tough, but feel so much stronger and know what to expect and what is truly normal and not normal for famiilies thanks
to this forum. Seems all the help you do give them is not enough and you still get blamed for the consequences.

Hope you are staying strong and thinking of you, you are not alone!
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