seekingcalm

I broke up with my RABF 1 month ago. He had been sober and involved in AA for 6 months, following asking me to leave his home, that we had lived in together for 4 months, so that he could drink. He had been progressively sneaking, and lying about it. I have known him for 26 years, but we reconnected almost 5 years ago, after 21 years apart. I wonder now if he really loved me, or if falling in love was such a high, that it convinced him he didn't need alcohol and therefore did not have a problem at all. He believed he did not need to drink with me, and actually did not at first. But then, I did not know what he did when he went home. I had no idea how bad things were until we were living together.
Anyway, several weeks after I left, he went back to AA, and once he had 90 days, first time I saw him, we began to "date", as he said, "How can I earn your trust if you won't see me?". So, ok, that made sense, at the time. As soon as we began to spend time together, he began to let go of his program, speak ill of other AA members, bring up old resentments, say he was never going to "completely change", no longer reading his daily reflection, big book etc.
And even though I ended it, I am still making sense of it all, trying to anyway. He was not drinking, but something felt so wrong. He was not different in a good way, in fact, he seemed more difficult, more stubborn, more argumentative than he had ever been before.
Is it possible for alcoholic traits, like manipulation, resentment, anger, and speaking in half truths can be worse when "dry". I am beginning to believe so. That perhaps if you do not do the work sincerely, dealing with life without alcohol can make a person more difficult to deal with than when they were drinking? Can that happen?

suki44883

Well, it sounds to me like he has no desire to stop drinking, which is his right as an adult. You, on the other hand, have just as much right to decide what you will and will not live with. If you take a drunk jerk and sober him up, you are still left with a jerk. Sometimes, it's not the alcohol that makes them jerks. Sometimes, they are just jerks.

fourmaggie

HERE! HERE! and I totally agree with that one! sometimes I wonder is it the booze? or is he just that...a real jerk in itself? LOL...just a jerk...my gut was telling me that...LOL

coffeedrinker

i have spent more time in my head, trying to understand and figure things out, than i should in a lifetime. so i understand your need to know all of these things.

but, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter all that much. we have to try and let go of that need to know, and realize that their behavior is what matters most.

if we "understand" them, we will then go to "sympathy" and possibly to making excuses for their behaviors, minimizing them, and accepting what should be unacceptable.

he needs a lot of sober time before you guys even consider getting back together. it doesn't matter if he falls away from his program because of being with you, or anyone else, or because he lost his job, because the sky is blue. real sobriety takes all the things of life into account, and you just deal with life.

how are you doing today?

seekingcalm

Thank you Coffeedrinker. You are so right. None of it matters. I need more time, he needs more time, and this was not right for me or for him. I am ok. I am lonely, and I am sad. Holiday weekends suck...but I am ok. First time in my life, and I am 52, that I am alone. But I know with every fiber of my being that I NEED to be alone. It's hard, but I have to live through it if I am ever to be completely happy.
Getting back to work on Tuesday will be a good thing for me.
Thank you for helping me see things more clearly. Thank you very much.

Still Waters

After the crazy crap I lived with, with my AH, I crave being alone. LOL.

I've had the house where I rent a room, to myself all weekend. It has been BLISS I tell you! BLISS.

Total quiet, no blaring televisions, no constant chatter, no doors, no cabinets banging, silence!!!

I'm in heaven.

LexieCat

I LOVE being alone. It would take one hell of a guy to make me give it up now.

The last ex (not an alcoholic/addict) had to have the TV on 24/7. Football, History Channel, Home Improvement shows, the clicker was permanently attached to his hand.

I now turn on the TV MAYBE once a month. I'm not sure why I am still paying for cable, but I keep thinking maybe something will be on that I wanna watch someday.

Still Waters

Yeah, here the tv is on constantly. Drives me crazy.

I don't mind watching a movie in the evening with my daughter, but that's it.

Lola1024

I love being alone too - silence - give me silence. I have been totally enjoying the weekend 4 whole days with nothing going on other than what I want to do. Working on my flowers, cleaning and reading. Xabf always made so much NOISE. TV, constant drunk babble and wanting me to pay attention to him all the time. Ughhhh. I miss him a bit right now but I LOVE my quiet time. I could never hear my inner voice over the chatter.

Learn2Live

Are you guys serious? You mean it's not JUST ME that enjoys the silence?!!?!? What a relief! I was beginning to think there is something wrong with me! Thank you all for sharing.

To answer your question, SeekingCalm:
Yes. All of the above. But I hope you are focusing more on taking care of YOU than trying to figure him out.

coffeedrinker

you are doing good, seeking, really good.

i just turned 50, and although i can't even believe it (the number), i am in such a good place - compared to many previous years of my life - that i would not trade youth for wisdom.

the more you let go of his disease and figuring everything out, the more at peace you will be. way more.

shalom!

Summerpeach

I've lived alone 10 yrs and it does get lonely. My XRABF was not loud, nor did he disrupt my home when he was here. We actually had many great days together cooking, gardening, swimming, working out etc. So I miss those things terribly, but I don't miss the chaos that was the other half of the relationship.

seekingcalm

Yes, summer, that is how I feel too. I am going to a barbeque later, all couples, YUCH! Just feeling crappy, most of the time I do love living alone. I just miss doing things on the weekend when things were good. But that's over, so what's the point of thinking about it now?

Summerpeach

hugs, I know how you feel. It will pass and we will create new memories and take the time to heal

zbear23

This is such an interesting thread.
First of all, I live alone and love my solitude. I also like quietude, to the extent that I seldom even turn on the radio while driving. I feel peaceful and serene being with myself, something I never was while drinking.

My observation over the years is that early recovery relationships are often dangerous. Besides the fact that they are often "substitute addictions" (infatuation, falling in love, focusing on the relationship rather than the recovery)....relationships take some serious commitment and energy....and so does early recovery. I'm convinced that those who can juggle both of these immensely important facits of life are few and far between...at least in the early daze. I had to spend considerable time and effort on my recovery just to have a relationship with myself, let alone anyone else.

Mainly, my drinking/drugging was all about managing my feelings externally and quickly...all about feeling "good" right away. Recovery is about being self regulating and willing to patiently do the work in order to be spiritually fit. It is learning to live in love rather than fear. Becoming a mature adult who can delay gratification rather than always acting on impulse.

I subscribe to the AA saying that I will lose anything that I put ahead of my recovery. I've proven that to myself all too many times! The last thing that I put ahead of my recovery was my marriage. I won't blame her for my drinking, but I will say that I've not had a drink since I left her....fifteen years ago. Recovery first.

blessings
zenbear

Bucyn

Does it make sense? He had your trust and blew it. He's not entitled to another and another chance to re-earn it back. He's asking you to trust him--someone who's proven himself untrustworthy--at least enough to interact with him so he gets another chance.

How to re-earn your trust after betraying it, is HIS problem, not yours; and he should take the risk, not you. And part of the problem of betraying someone's trust is that they WON'T risk seeing you and it is near impossible to prove yourself trustworthy without it. Oh well. Not your problem is it?

Summerpeach

Zbear, I agree and disagree. Recovery should come first, but it can come first even if one is in a relationship, Many people do it, but the trick is, it will only work if each person in the relationship is in recovery.
If we all walked around making ourselves first, it would be a pretty sh*tty world.
Addicts who have kids need to still put their kids first and work on recovery.
When I was with my ex, his sponsor and some of my al anon people told me he was lucky to have a GF who was willing to recover with him.
That most spouses see it as "their issue", I saw it as "our issue"

Just my humble opinion

zbear23

Well...yes and no. I was thinking of those in early recovery who were embarking on a new (romantic) relationship....or the unfortunate partners of those who were unable to sustain recovery.

I was married for 18 years, and struggled ... in and out of sobriety....for ten of them. It may have been different if my wife had also pursued recovery in alanon, but since I was the identified "problem" she was unwilling. I finally gave up ... putting my recovery first. Your willingness to see it as "our" issue makes a lot of difference.....I think that two people in recovery have a far better chance for a successful relationship than if only one person is recovering. OTOH....early recovery is crazy times, and not all that "relationship friendly."

I'd also like to point out that, while children, family, husbands and wives, jobs and friends, are all important parts of life: they would all be damaged and/or disappear if I go back to drinking. Hence....my first priority is and always will be my recovery which, these days, means maintaining my spiritual fitness. Doesn't mean I ignore my commitments and obligations. In fact, it tends to reinforce my sense of personal responsibility.

blessings
zenbear

Summerpeach

Amen! I was told early recovery was going to be a ride, I just didn't understand how bumpy that ride was going to be.
At first I thought it was his problem, then a yr after he got sober, I realized, it was mine as well.
My ex chose to cheat (I guess he was not recoverying as much as I thought), so I'm no longer with him, but have been working full -force on my own recovery.
Had he not cheated, I think him and would have had a fighting chance.

coyote21

I'd bet my next paycheck (safe bet, ha) that 90% of the couples there will be secretly wishing they were there alone with out the lump they're with. JMHO.

There's a saying, "Don't measure your insides to someone else's outsides". People do put on facades in social settings.

Who's to say you're not the happiest, most blessed person at the "que?

You are on the journey of self discovery, it's most exciting and most rewarding, and I'd bet the majority of people never have a clue.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote