shellyjd

This is only the second time I've posted here. Last night was bad. My husband went to his counselor, but told me after he wanted to go to a meeting, he would have his dad drop him off at the meeting (he lost his license) and then would either get a ride home or walk home. It was the walking home part that set off an alarm in my head. It is a long walk from this meeting, and through a not so great neighborhood in the dark. The place is also near a bar and a beer distributor. I had a class (I'm going back to get my degree), so I couldn't pick him up. My daughters were home, they're 9 and 12. I called on my break at 9:00 and he was home and seemed fine. I got home at 10:30, and things weren't right. He was saying odd things, and then he wanted to make love. I really didn't want to, but said ok because I have been tired lately and it had been awhile. But he wasn't able to kiss me, it was like his lips couldn't move and everything was just not right. We finally stopped, he then blamed my lack of participation was due to my thinking about someone else, (absolutely not true, it's enough dealing with his crap, who wants to deal with someone elses crap!). Then it turned that I didn't love him according to him. Then he wanted to take a walk, it was around midnight at this point. I persuaded him just to go to bed, that's all I wanted, he finally fell asleep. The whole time he denied drinking. Again this morning he denied drinking. I feel like maybe it was in my head, but last night, I kept seeing things that struck a cord within me, his glassy eyes, being slightly off balance, etc. I am so tired of feeling this way. I have to go to work now and really don't feel up to it. Thanks for letting me vent.

Sally

Believe me your not crazy, In my opinion your instints are your instints and you were feeling them for reason. Don't doubt yourself.....you feel what you feel.......at the very least....something was odd.....about his behaviour. There is absolutly nothing wrong with you, your mind is sharp.........It's your A.....playing mind games with you making you question your own sanity.....your sane, and sober.......take care of your self.....I know how it is when yu don't get enough sleep.....and have to carry on.....unfortunatly there behaviour affects everyone in the family.....

Hope you have a good sleep tonight, rest up....take care......

insane

i can relate so much to your description of this situation.

it is so hard when you want so much to believe the "good" thing, but know in your guts that things are not right or good.

its even harder when the person you love is saying, doing things to make you question your own instincts. its is hell on earth to live that way.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF. you know things were not right for whatever reason.

i can also relate to making love when you don't want to. this is another way of being untrue to yourself. not listening to yourself.

it does a real number on you over time.

it is so hard to figure out - when your're in the middle of all this muddy junk - how to take care of you, listen to you, find yourself again and detach from your A and still be loving in your marriage

but it can be done, i see from the people here and at mtgs

i just started going to alanon mtgs this past summer and they, along with the folks here and my readings, etc are helping me to start - just a little at a time - to listen to myself, set some boundaries for myself, etc

hang in there

hugs to you

shellyjd

Thanks for your support! He is still saying he didn't drink that night, and now this morning I find I am missing an envelope that was in my purse with $10.00 and of course, one of my first thoughts was that he took it. But there is NOTHING I can do about it, and that takes me right back to Step 1, that I am powerless over this disease. It is just so frustrating and now we are both acting like the other night didn't happen, we talked some but he had no real explanation of his behavior. I need to go to a meeting, but unfortunately my home meeting recently disbanded due to lack of participation and that right now is the only night I can get to one. Thanks for listening, I have to get back to work!

Daffodil

shellyjd,

Sending hugs to you an one things for certain This too shall past...

Love and prayers,