Blogs


Notices

Dealing with the death of my father

Old 09-04-2010, 09:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 2
Dealing with the death of my father

Im very new to this site... Im 23 years old and my father has been suffering with alcoholism almost all of my life...he has been in and out of a number of rehabs but nothing seemed to phase him...he felt like he was invincible.He was a good dad who gave us everything we could have ever needed, and I know even though he didn't really show it he truly loved me and my two sisters (now 17 and 19). A few years ago he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver...and it has been a really bumpy ride since then. For the past year it was difficult to even look at him...he was no longer the dad I loved. He was never happy and he was visibly very sick...wasting away to practically nothing. He had been in the hospital since sometime in late May...in and out of ICU with low blood pressure. I hated visiting him...I hated seeing him so sick. Sometimes I'd just sit outside the room and cry because I couldn't work up the courage to go in...but I always made a point to tell him I loved him in case it was the last time I saw him.
My father passed away about a month ago...August 5th..50 years old...the night before we were going to tell him that he was going into hospice..and although I had been trying to prepare myself for that day for a long time i have learned that it is something that cannot be prepared for. Right now im still an emotional train wreck...maybe even worse now than I was right after he died. It's the little things that hurt the most...not being able to call him ever again and hear his voice...never being able to hug him again as he kisses my forehead...knowing he's never going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding...or hold his grandbabies..I know he's in a better place now and I know he's not suffering anymore but I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done....if I could have been better...would it have saved him? probably not I'm just scared I'm never going to go back to being the person I was before he got sick...will I ever be happy again?
tyty115 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to tyty115 For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (09-04-2010), bookwyrm (09-05-2010), JenT1968 (09-04-2010), Learn2Live (09-04-2010), RollTide (09-04-2010), Still Waters (09-04-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 09:52 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,116
I am so sorry for your loss, tyty.... I am twice your age now, but I lost my father to alcoholism when I was 18, and he was 43. I know that pain of it. Please know that YOU are not responsible in any way, nor could you have saved him. He had all kinds of resources and opportunities at his disposal, and he chose not to accept them. There are millions of loved and loving people who have fallen to alcoholism, and those they leave behind are left sad, angry, and baffled at the sheer tragedy of it all. I would suggest going to counseling--I wish I had, because the loss wound up haunting me my whole life. If not counseling, at least try Al-Anon to find the support of others who know what you are going through.

You will be happy again, I promise. I wish you comfort and peace.
SoloMio is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to SoloMio For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (09-04-2010), Learn2Live (09-04-2010), tyty115 (09-04-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 10:11 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I too lost someone to addiction this summer, my 26 yr. old son.
It seems a phase that we must go through of feeling guilty about all the things that we
might have done differently. It serves us no good to feel guilty and yet we can't help it.

In reality, we are powerless over the choices our loved ones made that led them to their destiny.
Like you, I want the obsessing and sorrow to subside.
I find it helpful if I minimize my dwelling on the past or future.

In your post you shared some positive memories of your father.
Our loved one's time was all too brief and it is our challenge not to shorten ours with
grief.
May you find a small bit of peace today as you progress towards accepting the terrible loss you have been dealt .
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Spiritual Seeker For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (09-04-2010), bookwyrm (09-05-2010), Learn2Live (09-04-2010), Still Waters (09-04-2010), tyty115 (09-04-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 10:11 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lola1024's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
I am so sorry you are going through all of this pain with the loss of your father. I lost my step-father to alcoholism a few years ago. It was a long illness brought on and escalated by his continued drinking. It was awful to watch. During that time I did seek out professional help and alanon which made a big difference. I had so many mixed feelings with my grief - anger at the drinking and grief that I lost the only father figure I have ever had. You will heal but it takes time. Feel all of your feelings as they come, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Reach out to those that understand and they will help you through the pain. I still miss my step-father but the memories are fond now and I know he is at peace watching over me. Hold on to those good times memories you have - they will be with you always.

Keep posting here - this group is full of people that really care and understand how you are feeling. :ghug3
Lola1024 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Lola1024 For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (09-04-2010), Learn2Live (09-04-2010), tyty115 (09-04-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 10:19 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
I am so sorry tyty for your loss of your Dad.

My Dad also is an alcoholic and has heart disease, lung disease, and liver disease. He drinks around the clock, only stopping to sleep. He does not go anywhere or do anything, other than go to the liquor store, sometimes to 7-11 to get a hot dog, drinks, smokes, and watches TV. He drinks in three shifts a day. Drink, get drunk, go to sleep. Drink, get drunk, go to sleep. Drink, get drunk, go to sleep. If I call him at the right time, I might catch him some days when he has only had one or two. When this happens, I spend a minute or two, trying to find something to talk with him about. It is nothing of a relationship. I know that his death is impending. We have all thought for decades, "Surely he cannot make it another year." But somehow his body has held out. I imagine, if he could be THIS strong, what picture of health he could have been, if only not for the alcoholism and smoking.

I know this is no consolation honey but your Dad is no longer suffering. My Dad has been doing what I describe above since 1989. It is no life. His teeth are rotted out of his head. His stomach is bloated. His feet and ankles are so swollen he can barely get his feet in his shoes. He rarely bathes. He makes noises from the gut pain that are unbearable to listen to.

There is nothing ANY of us can do to help them. You must know:
You did not cause it.
You could not control it.
And you could not cure it.

I hope that soon you begin to feel better. I know you will with time. Please google "stages of grief" so that you can understand what you are going through. The way you feel is natural.

Please take good care of yourself and keep coming back here and posting. Please know that on the weekends, this forum tends to be slow. Plus, it is Labor Day weekend and many people may be away from their computers. But keep posting and more people will be here to support you.

Hang tough girl. Try to do some things to make you feel better every day. Take a bubble bath, make sure you are eating some veggies, call a friend, go for a walk, etc.

Hugs (((tyty))). :day6
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (09-04-2010), RollTide (09-04-2010), Still Waters (09-04-2010), tyty115 (09-04-2010), wicked (09-04-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 10:30 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Blog Entries: 7
Hi tyty and welcome to SR.

I'm vewry sorry for your loss.
And I comment you reacing out to talk to others about it.

I hope you'll keep posting ehre,
and as you can see -
sad though it is the reason that brought you here -
the situation is not an unknown one here.

I hope for you to gain some understanding
and get some insight into yourself
andpossibly the disease of alcoholism...

and make some new friends.

Welcome.
barb dwyer is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to barb dwyer For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (09-04-2010), tyty115 (09-04-2010), wicked (09-04-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 10:56 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So sorry for the loss of your dad. It's a horrible, sad way to die, and all the more frustrating to know it was so needless.

He died knowing he was loved, and some people don't have that. They die completely alone.

As awful as you feel now, you will know happiness again. It takes time. You might see if the hospital or hospice has a grief support group. Keep posting here, too. There are a lot of caring people here.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (09-04-2010), tyty115 (09-04-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 11:21 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
LucyA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I know he's in a better place now and I know he's not suffering anymore but I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done....if I could have been better...would it have saved him? probably not I'm just scared I'm never going to go back to being the person I was before he got sick...will I ever be happy again?


I'm so sorry for your loss.

My nephew asked similar questions to yours soon after his dad died.
The only ones I could answer were the ones where he asked if it was his fault, if he could have done something and what did he do wrong so his dad didn't love him enough to live.

I told him, and I'll tell you now, it wasn't his fault (and it isn't your fault)
there was nothing he could do (and there was nothing you could have done)
and he did absolutely nothing wrong, his daddy loved him more than life itself, but he was sick and either couldn't or wouldn't help himself, nothing my nephew (or you) ever did made any difference in the end.

My nephew never knew anything but the life his parents lead (both alcoholics) until 2 years ago, he misses his mum and dad naturally, but he's twice the kid he was, and happy and healthy.

I'm not in any way saying anything like 'if he can do it, so can you' everyone is different and I have to admit my nephew has coped better than I have at times. (His dad was my brother) but my nephew has been an inspiration to me, the way he's bounced back and got on with a 'new' life is great.

I think you will be happy again, and perhaps a happier stronger person for all you've learned.
Sending hugs x
LucyA is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LucyA For This Useful Post:
JenT1968 (09-04-2010), Learn2Live (09-04-2010), Spiritual Seeker (09-05-2010), tyty115 (09-04-2010), wicked (09-04-2010)
Old 09-05-2010, 11:11 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Your bond with your dad is based on love, and when love is lost, it becomes associated with sadness, regret and guilt. So the realistic question is this: Can we have love-with-grief that is life-enhancing for us?
I'm hopeful that the the answer is yes.
Let's hope we can arrive at a time when love is greater than the grief.

I am going to set aside a few minutes every day (a communion)
to send love to my deceased son and ask for love in return.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Spiritual Seeker For This Useful Post:
Lola1024 (09-05-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:57 AM.