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Please slap me upside the head! He's drinking again, when will I learn????



Please slap me upside the head! He's drinking again, when will I learn????

Old 09-04-2010, 03:10 AM
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Please slap me upside the head! He's drinking again, when will I learn????

Well, after what would be ten months sober today, AH has relapsed!!! And big time. I think he's been drinking under the radar for about two weeks, when the changes in his personality really started showing. I knew Monday he was drinking, I could see it in certain mannerisms, but had no proof. But last nite, my son was watching the girls and his son at my house while I went to group therapy (thank God I had the foresite to do that instead of letting Kevin watch them), in any event, AH was so drunk when he came home that my son didn't know what to do. He texted me, so I wouldn't come home surprised, but anyway, we all debated calling the police because he is violating probation. My older son didn't want me to, said we should give him a chance to leave. Yeah, that's right, that's worked so well for us in the past!!!! Anyway, he did leave, we didn't have to call the police, but comes home yesterday saying he was in a car accident the previous nite and was in the hospital all nite, who the hell knows if this is true or not!!!! I told him to leave, that I called his probation officer (which I did twice, but guess she was out cause she never called me back) which was one of my boundaries when I allowed him to come back home, the other boundary was that he can no longer be in my house or around me and the girls (for those of you who don't know, have legal custody of my granddaughters because their mother is an addict). I do not want my granddaughters subjected to this. Anyway, he of course, gets all nasty, saying how I'm a ****, have 3 kids by 3 different fathers, and did you know, according to him, I'm giving all the cops in my area oral sex (he used the slang term). Nasty as crap to me, said he shouldn't have married me, I'm nothing but a **** and piece of crap who thinks my crap doesn't stink. I was brought back to the same place mentally that I swore I'd never be again. Anyway he takes a cab and leaves (prob goes to the bar), but again comes back at the house, won't leave, so he slept in my shed last nite. I told him if he dare tries to get in the house, I will call the police. This is going to be a horror show unless probation violates him, which probably won't happen!!!!! He always seems to have good luck w/the legal system, for some reason. I really don't want to call the police because my beautiful granddaughters have been thru enough in this past year with their mother's relapses, not seeing her, etc., and since AH was sober for all these months, he truly was a wonderful grandfather to them, and they love him dearly. I don't want them to see him get arrested. I'm at a loss here. And it won't end today ... all weekend, while probation is of court off (since it's a holiday), he will be coming back and forth to where my hand will be forced to do this ... how will I explain it to the girls?

I tell ya, lesson learned to me, his bottom will be death, probably long after mine, but I can't do this again. No matter what happens to him, jail, rehab, whatever, if he ever wants to get back, I need you all to slap me upside the head and tell me what an idiot I'll be!!!! This can't happen again, it just can't!!!! I just truly am wondering what I did in life for karma to "b" slap me like this, addict daughter and alkie husband .... both constantly creating chaos and it never ends (and I know...many of you like Freedom and Anvilhead will tell me it ends when I make it end .... I know lol).

Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:50 AM
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I don't really know what to say but I'm sorry you're going though all this.

In regard to the way he speaks to you, there is a thing called Alcoholic jelousy (don't know if you use that term in English), which is something some heavy drinkers develop after years of alcohol abuse. It is to do with the fact that they become impotent, and their brain being scr**ed up from alcohol, so they develop this paranoid thoughts that their partner is promiscues, unfaitful, ... there comes name calling, and even severe physical violence sometimes. I'm not saying that this is what is happening with your AH, but if I were you I'd be very careful, as this thing is really progressive in active As. The good news is, once the drinking stops so does this Alcoholic jelousy too.
Again, I don't know if this helps you in any way, but maybe it is a good idea to protect yourself as much as possible, and read some on Alcoholic jelousy and see if this fits, so you get better idea what you're dealing with if that is the case.
Take care
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:52 AM
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Hi Queen. Welcome back, and I'm sorry you wound up here in crisis again (although you sound pretty level-headed and grounded!). I don't think you need whomped on at all. I think you gave it a good shot with your husband and HE blew it, and you have consequences in place.

Is there a chance you could take the girls somewhere else for Saturday and Sunday so you don't have to be a party to him this weekend at all? What would be the point of sticking around? What about setting up a plan for a place to go, and then calling the police so that you are doing the right legal thing by notifying them that he is breaking his probation rules and the court orders. Remember, Queen, to keep it all very legal.

Also remember that alcoholism is very progressive, and he will be immediately right back at his very worst level of drinking as he was when he last quit, and then go downhill from there. I did this 3 or 4 times with my exAH, and each time it dragged me down emotionally and mentally until I almost didn't survive it myself. Don't let yourself get dragged down to those previous levels just because HE is, Queen. Keep your serenity, choose to separate yourself from him for these next few days, and make the call. It's time.

Good luck, and stay close!
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:56 AM
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I'm sorry all this is happening again. with regards to your grand-daughters: he isn't leaving, he is verbally abusing you, he is drinking and acting out. they deserve a home that feels safe especially after everything that has happened to them. Calling the police, him being arrested and you regaining that peace in their home seems the best and quickest of two scenarios that may upset them.

I know you say he has uncanny luck with the legal system, and I can beleive it; people give addicts millions of chances to prove themselves, that includes those in the legal system. In order for the legal system to stop giving him chances to come to his sense on his own, the people there have to see him throwing those chances back in their faces as often as you do. They can't know if this isn't brought to their attention. That seems to be the only way to get those folks on the same page as you, regarding ensuring your wellbeing.
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:04 AM
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Sesh, thanks, I will look that up, but I do think it's more than that, it's just him being his usual nasty drunk self. Peaceteach, I wish there was a place I could go for the weekend, but there isn't. I also don't want to leave my house, especially with him on a drinking binge, God knows what I'll come home to, and the girls don't need that either...I have done that before and my house was trashed with beer cans, dirty dishes in sinks, etc. I have work on Tuesday, the girls start a new school on Wed, I can't really put myself and them thru that. The one thing I truly don't get is when you said, and I've heard it before from my counselor and some recovering A friends, that when they pick up they go back to the place they were when they last drank and spirals from there ... he got three dwi's in one week before jail forced him to stop last time, and I'm just not getting how that can happen again .... so quickly I mean? What do they do, just start drinking and BAM, they're as bad as they were? If so, then he will lose his job at the golf course cause he went today, I checked my shed this morning, he was there sleeping on a filthy folding chair, took a poop in a plastic bag and his bike was gone. Guess he can't get arrested for driving a bike while intoxicated...but guess he thinks he has a good system going on now, sleeping in the shed and pooping in bags ... any other ideas other than leaving my house, would really be appreciated ... and thanks for your responses.

Oh, and btw, thanks for saying I sound level headed and grounded. I wanted you all to know that since he cleared out our joint bank account plus all his retirement money last time when he left me last Sept, yesterday upon waking I went to our bank, took out all the money we had left in there, deposited it into my own separate account, went online and took all the money we had in savings (cause since he's been sober he has been working hard and we have actually been saving again) and transferred that to my own account, so at least my money is protected ... and just to be on the safe side, I cancelled his debit cards to all the accounts ...
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:08 AM
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I may very well have to call the police today, cause when he's drunk, he has no respect for boundaries of any kind. Of course, I will hear how I "had him arrested", etc., of course it wasn't him. Violating probation by drinking isn't the issue, according to him, it's my vindictiveness. Just like yesterday, he's yelling how he hopes karma gets me since I called his probation officer! You're right, my grandchildren deserve peace, I deserve peace ... just really not looking forward to later ... but then again, all of you can relate to that I'm sure ....
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:45 AM
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Wow, I don't know what to say. It sounds like a continuous drama. Why can't we have some peace for a while? Right?
By the way are you in New York's Long Island? If so, former Staten Islander here!!! I love Long Island.
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:48 AM
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Yep, Long Island NY! I love it here too, except the legal system sometimes lol. Nice to meet you!
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Old 09-04-2010, 06:08 AM
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really glad you're taking those steps to protect yourself financially, you do sound balanced. I hope you are bearing up as well as you sound.

here, you can be charged with being drunk in charge of a bike, I don't think its a common arrest though, unless they were looking to get you for something else, or were putting pedestrians or other road users in danger.
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Old 09-04-2010, 06:33 AM
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I just truly am wondering what I did in life for karma to "b" slap me like this, addict daughter and alkie husband .... both constantly creating chaos and it never ends
IMO, there is no such thing as karma. To believe that you did something in this life or any other life to CAUSE these things to occur will keep you blaming yourSELF. Go back to this:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it and
You cannot cure it.

NOTHING they are doing has ANYTHING to do with you. What has helped me when my thoughts have centered around karma and fate is the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I tell ya, lesson learned to me, his bottom will be death, probably long after mine, but I can't do this again. No matter what happens to him, jail, rehab, whatever, if he ever wants to get back, I need you all to slap me upside the head and tell me what an idiot I'll be!!!! This can't happen again, it just can't!!!!
My advice is to go No Contact. Do not listen to anything he says. Do not engage him or check up on him. Do not call him or talk to him or expect anything from him. Get distance however you can.

What helped me in this kind of situation was journaling and other sorts of reminders so that when the person comes back and tries again, I am reminded of what life with them is truly like.

Good lord. As if life is not difficult enough without having this person causing all this trouble, stirring things up. He is toxic. Time to De-Tox yourself and the kids.
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Old 09-04-2010, 07:42 AM
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I, too, took my boyfriend back when he achieved sobriety so don't beat yourself up for doing that. That lasted seven months in my case. And like your husband, when he was sober, he was a fabulous friend and a reliable, caring, and good partner. But the minute he began drinking again, I ended the relationship. This was the last straw for me--I never rekindled the relationship--but not for him. He drank himself to death shortly thereafter. Sometimes death is their bottom and no one--even professionals--are able to save them or help them achieve lasting sobriety.

As my boyfriend's drinking escalated and his physical and emotional condition worsened, I separated myself from him completely--at first more to protect my daughter, but then as my head began to clear when the chaos was gone from my life, to protect myself from emotional harm as well.

You are just as worthy of protection as your grandchildren are. You'll find a way to remove him from your home and shield yourself and your grandchildren as much as possible from harm in time. You don't have to act now. The important thing is that you take some kind of action. But you already know that.
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Old 09-04-2010, 08:50 AM
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You should be able to get a restraining order, based on the verbal abuse. That would get him out of your shed, and give the police a basis for arresting him if he comes back.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I agree with the others that having him away from your home and the kids is best for everyone.
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Old 09-04-2010, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
I may very well have to call the police today, cause when he's drunk, he has no respect for boundaries of any kind. Of course, I will hear how I "had him arrested", etc., of course it wasn't him. Violating probation by drinking isn't the issue, according to him, it's my vindictiveness. Just like yesterday, he's yelling how he hopes karma gets me since I called his probation officer! You're right, my grandchildren deserve peace, I deserve peace ... just really not looking forward to later ... but then again, all of you can relate to that I'm sure ....
I realize you don't want your granddaughters seeing him hauled off, but what's better in the long run? I wouldn't hesitate for a second to call the police, have him taken away, and then enjoy the holiday weekend with your granddaughters!
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:17 AM
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Thing with the police is, as some of you may have read my earlier posts from last year and stuff, I have an order of protection against him, however, it does not state he can't drink alcohol in the house. Last year I called the police several times on him, they never did anything! Didn't make him leave, one time he pulled up in front of my house while they were still there and just made sure he went in the house ok (he was drunk driving). I'd hate to think that if I called the police on him, and they said "well, your order doesn't say ..." and if I say about him violating his probation, they say "well, you need to call his po, we can't do anything ..." that gives him carte blanche to do anything he wants!!!! The only good thing that may possibly come out of that scenario is if I made them do a breathalyzer on him so I have proof he violated his probation, but they might not even want to do that, I think they see me as the crazy wife, since he is again going around telling our neighbors that I kicked him out cause I have a boyfriend!
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:26 AM
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Thing with the police is, as some of you may have read my earlier posts from last year and stuff, I have an order of protection against him, however, it does not state he can't drink alcohol in the house. Last year I called the police several times on him, they never did anything!
Queentree, hon, If you have a protective order against him, why has he been living in your house?
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:42 AM
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Yeah, that's what I meant.

Generally, a restraining order prohibits the defendant from being in the home or on the property.

If yours doesn't say that, you can have it amended. Go back to court.
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:07 PM
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Queenteree, I am in a very similar situation, my AH, sober for 8 months, began drinking again about 3 weeks ago. Of course, I too fell back into that questioning crazy codependent behavior. Which at one point I realized is silly. This is a progressive disease, he can lie for 2 weeks or 2 years and sooner or later it will be clear. He checked himself back into rehab on Monday, after a weekend last weekend much like the one you have described here. But something has changed for me this time. My counselor says "I have found my spirit." I don't trust that completely because I know that it's really easy to lose it again if that is true. But he will not come back home without clear boundaries. We have a business and I am a full time school counselor, I won't lie, this has been the week from hell but...I'm OK. My sponsor told me last weekend that I have got to start taking back my power in little pieces, and every time I take a chunk, I find a little more of myself. I have held on to this all week and it is so true. He asked me what would happen if he decided not to go back to rehab. (this was Sunday, we were waiting for a bed, and he was about 12 hours sober) I thought about it for a minute and I said, "you will need to find another place to live." and I meant it. He knew that. I felt bad about it all day but by Monday morning I felt better. When we got there and he decided that he didn't want to stay, I had to say..."I'm not taking you home." It's not easy. I don't know what each new day will bring but I know that I am feeling stronger. Hugs

"The very thing that held you down, is going to carry you up." -Dumbo
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:19 PM
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I don't know a bout NY law,

but around here
a call to 911 automatically sends a probator back to the can for the weekend
until their PO can assess what happened.

If he's violating a restraining order

that
s a 911.

Not a call to the PO.
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:21 PM
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Wow...."alcoholic jealousy", first time I heard of it...it makes sense of what went down in my marriage......but been divorced 3 yrs. Thanks.
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:25 PM
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There was an incident 2 years ago, after he lost his job, to where I got the restrainng order which at that time was a stay away. We since has reconciled cause he was in treatment (only to relapse again and again and again) and the judge changed the order to a non-harass order. So, if he does not physically hurt me, the police here won't do anything ... I would just like to know how they would handle a violation probation ... I think I may call the precinct and ask them
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