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Please slap me upside the head! He's drinking again, when will I learn????



Please slap me upside the head! He's drinking again, when will I learn????

Old 09-04-2010, 12:56 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Um,

It seems to me that the verbal abuse is a violation of the "non-harassment" order, not to mention sleeping in the shed and taking a crap in it. Harassment is usually defined as "alarming conduct" that is intended to "seriously annoy or alarm." (I don't know NY law, but it's probably similar.)

It wouldn't hurt to ask the police whether he can be arrested for violation of the order.
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Old 09-04-2010, 01:51 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I called my precinct and they had my order on file, said it does not say he can't drink in the house, and they would not consider an argument "verbal abuse", it has to be more substantial than that. He also said that they can't arrest anyone for violating probation, I need to call the probation officer and tell her that he violated probation and she needs to determine if I am telling the truth and if he did violate it. She then arrests him or issues a warrant for him to be arrested for violating probation. I explained my situation to the police officer, who then asked me where I lived, and remembered me from previous times he was here, and said what he can do for me is if he comes home drunk, I can call to make a report, they will come and assess that he is intoxicated, put it in the report and I can give it to his probation officer. I was like "then I'm stuck with him being drunk all weekend?" and he was like "yes, unforunately." So there you have it ... I'm stuck ... if he does come home!
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Old 09-04-2010, 02:07 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this, queenteree. It seems that this journey is never ending, doesn't it?

Thing is, drinking is legal. Being drunk is legal. The cops can't do anything about that, unless he is breaking a specific law. Of course, if it is a probation violation then that's a different matter. But how does the PO know of a violation unless they are told? (I don't know how probation works).

When you set your boundaries, what consequences did you attach to them?

And what outcome do you want to see?
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Old 09-04-2010, 02:23 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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My boundaries were when he asked to come home (he was on probation after jail, had no money, no where to go, "learned his lesson", was working a program (yeah, right) and gonna be on house arrest for 3 months) was that he needed to attend all his therapy sessions and AA 3 to 4 times a week. He was allowed to do that on house arrest and he did do that on house arrest. He never missed any therapy sessions, but about a month or so ago, he stopped going to AA because he was "working so much", which he was and most nights he'd get home from therapy (he took public transportation or rode his bike cause I don't give him rides) after 9 pm and had to get up for work at 4 am. I told him that wasn't the deal and we needed to amicably discuss divorce. Last week, he went to 3 AA meetings (supposedly) and this week, relapse!!!!! I also said when he came home and while he was in jail that if I did allow him to come home, if he drank I would notify his probation officer and he would be violating probation and he'd have to leave the house. He understood and agreed. About a month ago, he said he thought that was wrong of me, I should just ask him to leave but not notify his po. That's when I knew it was only a matter of time. I told him I didn't care what he thought, that was my boundary (to which he got all annoyed and said therapy is messing me up and turning me into someone he doesn't know lol). And I did follow thru on that, called her twice yesterday, left messages, called her supervisor also, left a message, and called her again today on the chance maybe she was working on a holiday weekend. In my message to her I also stated that he's been able to get over on breathalyzers in the past, so I suggested she bring a urine kit w/her. Hopefully she will be in next Tuesday, but she does not do surprise visits like she used to, last time she left her card and when he called her she said "well, you weren't home, no biggie", she "schedules" visits, which gives him time to sober up. Those were my boundaries ... they were broken ... I need to do what I need to do.
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Old 09-04-2010, 02:40 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Of course you do! And good for you in following through with the consequences. Don't give up on those, even though it seems a bit futile at the moment.

So, if that consequence isn't working at the moment, what others might work for you? It always helps me to state my boundary (to myself) in terms of "If X happens, then I do Y". Keeps the focus on me, you know?

Are you prepared to go the divorce route? Or are you prepared to give him another chance?

If you imagine yourself in a year's time, what does your ideal life look like?
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Old 09-04-2010, 02:55 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Have to do the divorce route, I have absolutely no choice any more in the matter. When he was in jail after getting three dwi's in one week ... he was in the special program, like a rehab program, in jail and he really conned me. It was jail talk, only I never knew anyone in jail before, so I didn't know "jail talk". I really would have thought 3 dwi's would be his bottom, he was scared, it was almost a felony ... so I gave it one last shot. Now I know that if jail, probation and possibly facing more jail time did not keep him sober and wasn't his bottom, then it will only be death ... and I am not sticking around for that ...much too draining, and I can die first, who knows, alkies sometimes linger a very long time. Next hurdle will be the divorce, I'm gonna lose alot, but I have come to accept that .. he is the winner in it all, spent $80,000 when he left me of our retirement savings, is getting a personal injury settlement in the next couple of months to the tune of $150,000 at least, and I'll prob have to either sell my house and get half or buy him out ... game over, he wins ...

But, I just went in our files and got the telephone no. of his other probation officer in the other dwi case, gonna call her on Mon and leave her a voice mail ... can't hurt ...
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:21 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Have you spoken to a lawyer in detail about the finances? Because there may be room for negotiation, especially if he has a payour coming. How did he spend the QT part of the "your" (joint) retirement money, anyway? Or was it legally his but he told you that it was for the two of you?

I've just had a look back at some of your previous posts. Not in a stalkery way, I just wanted to understand a little of your history given your join date. I found this one http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...med-today.html from 2008. Seems like not much has changed, huh? Have you ever looked through the old threads you started, because there might be some useful info in there, perhaps?
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:37 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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OMG Bolina, thank you! I read that and not much has changed for him, he's still conning everyone ... but I am more calm, I love having my granddaughters living with me and I'm really willing to accept the losses I will lose. I had separation papers drawn up last Sept. when he left me, that $80,000 was his retirement to which I am entitled to half ... so yes, I did find out all my legal right, just should have went ahead with the divorce then ... stupid me
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:48 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Not stupid, just busy with other stuff. You have a lot on your plate?

Hope you can soon grasp the opportunity for peace with both hands and get settled with your grand-daughters and just potter about without a care in the world.
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