Lola1024

I find myself baffled as to why I don't feel bad that my relationship with xabf has ended. Normally I would be anxiety ridden, crying, sad and wonder how he is and what he thinks. I feel a little pinch of sadness here and there but much. I have made plans for the weekend and not even thought "what if he calls or shows up". Maybe just maybe (looks over shoulder) I am finally healthy enough to toss this fish back in the ocean?!?! That would be wonderful indeed.

I am sticking to my program like glue and doing all I can think of to take care of myself. The end of this relationship has been a long road and hope to heck I am at the end. I want alcoholism OUT OF MY LIFE. Over my life I feel I have battled it endlessly in so many relationships. Negotiated, begged, blamed, plotted, planned, grieved, invested, questioned, and on and on and on. The only thing that seems to be left is to leave it behind at the curb. I surrender... I will never control it, beat it, cure, understand it or be able to live with it. No more - I officially resign from my role in the war. I am certain I will be invited back many times. I plan to RSVP with a big fat NO. 43 years on the planet and finally understand I need to quit - the family legacy can stop for me THAT I have control over.

I am off to the hardware store - need supplies to give the homestead a good sprucing up. Time for change.

Lola1024

I just had to add this little something to my post. I realized today that I actually have a CHOICE whether or not intoxicated people are in my life or not. Be it alcoholic or addict. I have been seriously misguided in some ways by practicing acceptance of As throughout my life - not just this relationship by any means but many others too. I accepted intoxicated behavior as a part of the landscape rather than realizing I could just simply not allow it - either by removing myself or them. Instead of working on ways to manage them or mold myself to suit the situation. I really didn't get that power for myself which is pretty ridiculous considering how long I have been in alanon and reading literature and so forth. I have the power to choose now as an adult. Something of course I did not have as a child. I wasted a lot of time accepting things I COULD change in all reality. The things I can't change (As in my life actively drinking etc) actually can just be removed. As long as I accept I can't change them - then I can release them.