FreeBird09

Hi everyone, it's been quite a while since I have posted. I am still out here kicking, and wondering WTF and WHEN will I not care about my axbf.. let alone not love him any more. He has been gone for quite a while now, .. going on 3 years.

He called out of the blue, after no contact for 8 months.... we talked.. I thought .. shoot, I am over this jerk, why not give him a little time, considering I am a Christian. Ahhhhhhh.......mistake. I was sucked back in and suffered through, and beyond what I imagined. He called to say how upset he was that I quit smoking..hahahah! oh god.. I can't believe someone would be so upset over another making healthy choices. BUT, he did say that since he smokes, and I don't that gives him one more reason to fall apart knowing that I am getting further and further away from him.. by having healthy habits. I told him, in a nice way that...... our time has passed. He cried... said please.. he is trying.. (oh yeah, just like the 100 other times he said that and did NOTHING). THEN.. after a 7 hour conversation.. (I missed him.. he wasn't full of blame, actually took some blame.. ). he disappears again.. for 3 months.. and now, he called last night.. ahhhh.. begging me to please wait for him. He is going to quit smoking, quit being a drunk, quit being so negative, and.. be what I need.. I said.. honey, our time has passed.. and he said.. no.. no time does not have to pass, leave it to God..

He described how he has come close to killing himself.. in graphic detail.. and.. now.. I can't eat.. or sleep.. I am back to having nightmares... yeah.. I know.. I should NOT take his calls..

ok.. while he is drinking it up... I am ready to jump off a tall building.. (joking.. in part.. ). I am in love with the notion of times gone bye..that they MIGHT just.. come back and be BETTER... I am still in love with him... I feel so.. sad.. so.. yucky.. lol.. I dated one guy and he was worse then.. my xbf.. as he was in a professional career that indicated total honesty and he was the worse jackass of them all... worse then a drunk.. if you can imagine that..

Anyway... I am lonely.. I am feeling isolated, and where I live is very isolated. I am now afraid of moving forward.. well, not forward but.. into any type of relationship..

Why does my strength get sucked out of me the instant he calls, or well.. when he hangs up?? I am doing good otherwise. I have quit smoking, just under a year now.. only gained 20 lbs.. and am slowly losing it... and trying to heal from the loss of my daughter and grandson..

I have rid myself of every relationship that is negative.. why......why.. can't I do this to him??? WTF!..... I haven't spoken to a relative in over a year, why do I have to talk to this fool?

On good notes.. I am otherwise happy, for what I have gone through. I have learnt so much about myself and how the abuse I have been through was never my fault, or did I ever deserve any types of abuse at the hands of men. I realize my worth......but when it comes to the XBF I am ..... stumped...

barb dwyer

I'd stay focused on that if I were you.

You've come a long way, and getting tangled back up with this guy is nothing NOTHING more than a giant leap.... backward.

There's nothing in this that relates to your new life.

There's nothing in this that merits you 'waiting' for him.
If you're like the 90% of the rest of us the entire relationship was 'waiting' for him.

This is the time to call your sponsor.
Get to a meeting.
even if you have to hitch a goat cart to a buffalo....
it's time to get with others in 3-d
who know what you're feeling,
know what you're being played with,
and know a way OUT of the cycle.

will put you in my prayers, hon.

wicked

Freebird,

so glad to here from you! but sorry for the the circumstances.
oh, you will not die of a broken spirit/heart because.......
you are a free bird.

Girl, you know you can't change back to that.
C'mon now, go out and fly free.

Beth




ETA: soon to be 18 year old daughter just came in and said "will you turn that DOWN!"
teehee

HidLid

Rosy retrospection - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Rosy retrospection refers to the finding that subjects later rate past events more positively than they had actually rated them when the event occurred."

A concept I learned about long ago in a psychology class. An example: Helped my cousin move to college last year, seeing all the college kids gearing up for a new year I thought to myself how awesome college was and how I'd love to relive it. A week or two later I was searching a forum for a post I made long ago and I found a bunch of threads I started when I was in college. I made a lot of threads about how I was bored (socially), classes were hard, discontentment, etc. I was surprised as I really did not remember having those feeling or those times; I really only remember the good parts.

Maybe part of you is emphasizing past good times more than it should and de-emphasizing the bad parts?

FreeBird09

Rosy retrospection..... has been my coping mechanism for my entire life. I am trying to conjure up all the old stuff, that is horrible... to keep me remembering why I am here in the first place. Thank you....

Wicked..... you're so right!.. and TURN IT UP!.. lol..

PurpleWilder

There is this one particular person in my romantic past that I am allergic to - I'm sure he might be just the thing for someone else but everytime I get involved with him emotionally or mentally I break out in stupidity.

I'm sure for someone he is a great guy but not for me. Not anymore. So I just don't. Doesn't make him or me a bad person, I just can't be involved. Like being allergic to flowers or penicillin.

Floss

I understand FreeBird because this is where I find myself. I've let go of other bad relationships in the past and moved on but the one I had with my ex AH is different. I even tried the 'nice man' and have just broken up with him because I can't let go of my ex. I'm in tears, heartbroken and it doesn't help that my ex has been in contact with me again, breaking down in tears himself and telling me he still loves me....it's painful and I don't know how to end things or if I really want them to end...One day at a time, Alanon meetings and prayer...that's all I can do...that's all any of us can do....God Grant us the Serenity.....

Bucyn

Because you are lonely?

Maybe the solutions is to find non-romantic relationships and fellowship with other people. After three years without him, you would probably benefit from having a wider circle of friends and activities. If you live in an isolated place, it may require more driving or effort, but it's worth doing. Fill up your evenings and free time with other people, worthwhile people.

JenT1968

I don't beleive that a person can die of a broken heart, but I think we can waste the life we have doing things that make us feel miserable.

What brings you joy? what do you love to do? do some more of those things! if you don't know, perhaps try a few things out and see if they are your sort of thing. If that sounds overwhelming, perhaps look at whether you are suffering from some depression.

because they make you miserable.

there are lots of gentle, loving people just like you who he could turn to, people who would not risk their own well-being in providing a friendly ear, because they have no prior history with him, and are not going to develop a relationship with him. I bet there are many people you could help who would need and appreciate it, who would not rage about your choices and blame you for their problems.

There'sonly so much any one person can give out, why waste that effort on someone who throws it back in your face?

wow1323

You sound very young maybe you should talk to your parents.

LexieCat

She said she had a grandson, which doesn't make her OLD, but she probably doesn't need to talk to her parents.

wow1323

Oh, i guess I missed that part. Yes, we all should talk to our parents; especially me.