Blogs


Notices

need courage and wisdom-

Old 09-02-2010, 09:38 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,924
Blog Entries: 1
need courage and wisdom-

my sons court is at one today- i go to work before that. he has a key will probably be here when i return. will either be sheepish or mad.maybe my talking to the prosecutor , who was very kind, will result in them making him get counselling or something.

i am trying to have courage, and located a shelter here in town, no bus service, but if he will go, i will take him there.
am recovering enough of my senses to know that it would be the best thing for him.

how to encourage him to leave is beyond me.
he has key has legal right to live here. he is not on lease, but he has lived her and it is his address, for 4 months or so.
keep me in prayer that it may go without event.
if he refuses, i will go from there.
thank you all, for your help.
i love you guys....
chicory
chicory is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
HealingWillCome (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010), MsPINKAcres (09-02-2010), Pelican (09-02-2010), RollTide (09-02-2010), sesh (09-03-2010), splendra (09-03-2010), Still Waters (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 09:43 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Climbing hills, flying down...
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Blog Entries: 12
He does have a key, but he is not on the lease...does he pay rent? Own the place? Or do you? If it's your place, and you are uncomfortable with him being there (which, given his past actions, would be understandable), you have every right to ask him to go to the shelter. It sounds like in your heart and gut you know this is the best thing for both of you.
What has helped me....my therapist suggested I think of my sister as "the alcoholic" rather than "_______, my sister". It helps me to see that she and her disease are one in the same while she is actively drinking and not willing to seek help. She is defined by her disease, and her disease defines her and her actions. It helps me to see that while she is my sister and I love her, I do not have to put up with the crazy madness that is the reality that an alcoholic creates.
He is your son...and you love him....but he is also an addict, and he needs to do this on his own. And you deserve sanity and peace in your life.
Sending you hugs, chicory...stay strong.
FarawayFromCars is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to FarawayFromCars For This Useful Post:
chicory (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 09:54 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Blog Entries: 7
There comes a time when we have to make a choice
between
what we think society wants us to do
and what is best for the kid.

*prayers for your safety*
barb dwyer is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to barb dwyer For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-02-2010), chicory (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 10:05 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Your strength will prevail.
You have the right to get peace in your house and stop the chaos.
Sending you positive energy to get to a satisfactory outcome today.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Spiritual Seeker For This Useful Post:
chicory (09-02-2010), FarawayFromCars (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 11:42 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
why not try plain talk, chicory?

for example:

son, i want to live alone. i can not tolerate any more drink and drug abuse in my house, it is too stressful for me to watch. i'm asking you for your key back, as i want you to move out. i've located a shelter you can go to, i can take you there tonight.

stick to your guns. plain talk.

naive
naive is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to naive For This Useful Post:
chicory (09-02-2010), ChrrisT (09-02-2010), coyote21 (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010), KerBearz (09-03-2010), laurie6781 (09-02-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010), Spiritual Seeker (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 11:43 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Blog Entries: 2
Stay safe.....do not hesitate to get a protective order if he threatens you. When people" use" they are insane.....sometimes in a blackout.....Call the cops if he is verbally abusive or if he throws things....that is viloence. You deserve to be safe. He needs professional help. I personally hope he stays locked up until there is a group home or some treatment available to him. He is sick. He will take his problems out on you. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt in 5 colors......He does not have the right to be there if he is taking your pills, not paying rent, being abusive. He is bound to qualify for special group home treatment if he has mental problems. It will not get better. STAY SAFE! Do not engage in conversation with him if he is using. Get out of his way. Go somewhere safe.
Carol Star is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Carol Star For This Useful Post:
chicory (09-02-2010), FarawayFromCars (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 12:07 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Sending positive thoughts and energy your way!
Pelican is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Pelican For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (09-03-2010), FarawayFromCars (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 03:37 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Blog Entries: 2
Found a pamphlet on Emotional Abuse just so you will recognize it if he tries it.........An abuser will try tactics that wear you down; As a result you may feel; fearful, tired, distant from other people, down on yourself, dependent, crazy, loss of appetite, tense or anxious, emotionally drained, physically drained......The need for power or control makes a person abusive. You cannot change an abuser. You are not responsible for their anger. You cannot predict an abuser's behavior. The anger and abuse only get worse with time. Domestic violence is the use or threat of force and the goal is domination and control. It is not just hitting. An abuser says things to shame, insult,tease, embarras, belittle, mentally hurt, or isolate the person. It is criticism, manipulation through threats, humiliation, name-calling, controlling your money, silent treatment, or ignoring your feelings. ....wwwshelterforhelpinemergency.org 1-800-838-8238....collect calls accepted
Carol Star is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Carol Star For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-02-2010), chicory (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010), laurie6781 (09-02-2010), Still Waters (09-02-2010), tjp613 (09-03-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 04:17 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He has no legal right to live there. I would ask for the key, and, if he does not give it back, I would change the locks. He is 38, old enough to find his own shelter, his own way, but if it makes you feel better drop him off at the shelter.

I hope that you can find the strength to do the right thing for you and him. Let him fly and take care of himself.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (09-03-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010), tjp613 (09-03-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 06:30 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Chicory,

I'm glad you called the prosecutor, that was a good move.

If it is your home, he has no legal "right" to live there. You can have him removed if he refuses to go. Don't forget to change the locks, and if he breaks in, call the police again.

If you waver, you are only going backwards. It's time for him to be on his own and for you to feel secure in your home.

Hugs, keep us posted.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (09-03-2010), chicory (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 06:47 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I always talk on SR about my daughter but I also have a son who was not doing well and I asked him to leave when he was 19. I kept invisioning a baby in a carseat in the middle of the street.. Like that movie Raising Arizona.However, he bummed off friends, smoked pot, tried dumpster diving, etc. I year later he has his own apartment and works 2 jobs. They are not as helpless as they seem. he also has deprssion and anxiety and will not take medication. I am glad I did not allow him to sulk around my house..I don't think he would be where he is now.
keepinon is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to keepinon For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-02-2010), Carol Star (09-03-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010), tjp613 (09-03-2010), wicked (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 07:06 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, Keepinon,

I loved that movie--the scene instantly flashed into my head when you mentioned it. Nicholas Cage, with the pantyhose mask flapping in the breeze.

Yeah, we forget that they really ARE grownups.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (09-03-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010), wicked (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 07:24 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,924
Blog Entries: 1
Let me explain some things.
I rent this apartment. I am on the lease. When he needed a place, 4 months ago, I told him that I could help him, if he was trying to help his self. Gave him a key so he could walk to places to job hunt.
The first time he lived with me, it was an apartment, too. I was the only one on the lease there too. he came after I had been there a while. He became lost in drinking, and i could not get him to stop , of course. so, i told him he had to leave. he just refused. the polilce told me that i could not make him leave, since he was not doing anything that i could file charges for. also, it was his address, and had been for a few months. they told me that i would have to get him evicted, but I was afraid that my landlord would be angry at me, for having him there. so , i moved, and did not tell him where I was going. he was so lost, he did not leave that apartment, even after i moved everything out. the landlord had to threaten him, and my son took the attitude", he will have to file an eviction, and it will take him a month to get me out". what a sick attitude. tho i know he had no where to go. he packed up his stuff and lived in his car, and that is when he got his fines, for a pipe of pot someone gave him for his birthday.

He has no job, no money, and i give him none. He has not had booze for a month. he was able to get it last month, for the govt sent 25$ for his "gas" allowance, to go to work program, for his food stamps. he did that the month before also. never went to the work program tho. just used the government, to get a buzz. he has no drugs. except for the pain meds that he had for his operation. he used them quicklly , over a few days, and he stays in his room when he does this.
he does not abuse, or threaten me. but he does have agitation when he is needing alcohol. he gets argumentative when i try to make him go out and look for work. he would stay in his room forever, if he could. i noticed him taking my sinus meds, and they were not hidden, and he does not take bunches at a time, but they affect him badly, and we certainly have arguments about his behavior. he has every excuse to do nothing. maybe there are no jobs, but a normal person would get out and try to meet people, or check back without being told.
I think he would be happy to be taken care of forever,tho he talks about how depressed he is and lonely, and he was hoping to get something for his "anxiety" that he has always had, but i believe now that he would just abuse those drugs.
He thinks i need help. He is angry that his sisters have not had a tough time. He just does not see the truth of his situation.

I am getting stronger, and more sure , and understanding why it would be the best thing in the world for him to go to the shelter. He could at least not be under "mommys" eye.

I know he loves me. when we argue, and have said hateful things in our anger, he and I both have cried and apologized profusely to each other. we grieve over the mean words that we can never take back. but I feel that he is getting too frustrated with things the way they are. it will be the kindest thing i can do for him, to let him go. I have never been afraid of him hurting me. i do worry that he will damage this apt, and i will have more expense. and i worry that he will never have a functional life. but i am starting to see that a lot of what i think comes from being emotionally sick and addicted to taking care of him.

i got some great books at the library. the scales are dropping from my eyes, a little at a time. I am learning, just a llittle , about how to find some serenity, in the toughest moments.
Like today, when he called angry, I was so upset, i was sick at my stomach. I stopped myself, and tried to recall what i have been learning. I found comfort and peace when I told myself that my son needs what he is experiencing right now. he needs to be angry. it is normal that he is angry, and ineed to be glad that all this happened. I actually am.
I told myself to calm down, and accept this time, this stuff, and to let it work for his good. to keep planning on getting him out of here. and to let his HP work with him, and to get out of his way.
I need to make sure that I am not interfering with his business. so he cannot be mad at me. but that means that he must leave here.

If i said, please, i need you to go, he would probably laugh, or ignore it. he is scared, i know that feeling. i had to jump out of a situation once, with no where to go. I hid my head in the sand until the last moment, when I was forced to go. So, I understand the fear he has. But he will never learn that he can do it, unless he has to.

thank you for your caring and concern. i promise, i would not stay anywhere if ifelt in danger. I called him toinght before coming home and asked if it was safe to come home, if there was going to be a problem. he said, " I was wondering the same thing" and we just were cordial to each other.

He is a spoiled brat, who feels such a sense of entitlement. I cant believe how great it is, but perhaps it covers up a fear of failure, since he does not know how to do much at all .

hugs to all,
chicory
chicory is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-02-2010), Carol Star (09-03-2010), dollydo (09-03-2010), HealingWillCome (09-02-2010), keepinon (09-02-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010), Pelican (09-02-2010), posiesperson (09-03-2010), RollTide (09-02-2010), tjp613 (09-03-2010), wicked (09-02-2010)
Old 09-03-2010, 05:44 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
chicory-

why don't you try moving yourself to a new apartment, as that worked last time? or, why don't you go move in with one of your daughters for a while until you can find a new place?

that way, he will be forced to deal with his own situation and you can begin your life of peace.

i think him leaving jail is a great time to say you don't want him back.

I called him toinght before coming home and asked if it was safe to come home, if there was going to be a problem. he said, " I was wondering the same thing"
i don't understand this quote of yours above...you say you want him to move out but then you ask him if there is going to be a problem. why are you asking him? YOU have a problem with it. that's enough. it's your home.

oh, and by the way, "a friend gave it to me" is the oldest and most used excuse in the world. from where i sit, it appears highly unlikely that his getting busted for pot smoking is a one-off situation because a friend gave it to him.

naive
naive is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to naive For This Useful Post:
keepinon (09-03-2010), posiesperson (09-03-2010), wicked (09-03-2010)
Old 09-03-2010, 09:11 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Chicory, you are an amazing woman and you're doing a GREAT job putting all the new skills you've learned over the past few weeks to work. That takes a lot of courage, and I applaud you. When I couldn't make my late alcoholic boyfriend leave my house (I was the owner, he was not), I called my local sheriff/police department for advice. Eviction procedures vary somewhat from state to state and even from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, but there are steps you can take legally to have your son evicted from your home.

Here in Virginia, the procedure is to send the person you want evicted from your home a registered/return-receipt-requested letter telling them they have 30 days to leave your home or they will be forcibly evicted. Then, when the 30-day period is up, with a copy of the signed eviction letter in your hand, contact the sheriff's office/police department, explain the situation, and ask for an eviction. You don't need any reason other than you no longer want the person living in your home.

The police/sheriff will forcibly remove the person from your home once you follow their legal procedures--they just can't do it on the spot without following the proper steps. My boyfriend didn't want to suffer through the humiliation of being evicted, so he left before the 30-day period was up. I never had to involve the sheriff, but I knew I could if need be.

It was difficult to face my boyfriend after he received/signed the registered letter, but he surprisingly didn't confront me with anger when he came home from work that day. He just hung his head, avoided eye contact with me, and went about his business. He never mentioned that he received the letter, but I knew he had because I received a signed receipt from the post office. He began looking for a new place to live shortly thereafter--I saw apartment/roommate ads circled in the newspaper and heard him making calls. I did not ask him about his progress. That was his problem, not mine.

And while he may not have lived the life I would have chosen for myself or someone I loved, he was able to carve out a life for himself and managed to take care of himself. But he never would have achieved any type of independence if I hadn't turned my back on him completely.

Sometimes loving someone means letting them go and walking away. I know it's hard. I've been there, done that.

You are an amazing and courageous woman. You can do this.
FormerDoormat is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to FormerDoormat For This Useful Post:
Bernadette (09-03-2010), bookwyrm (09-03-2010), chicory (09-03-2010), coyote21 (09-03-2010), keepinon (09-03-2010), LexieCat (09-03-2010), naive (09-03-2010), peaceteach (09-04-2010), RollTide (09-03-2010), tjp613 (09-03-2010), wicked (09-03-2010)
Old 09-03-2010, 02:36 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,924
Blog Entries: 1
[QUOTE=naive;2698366]chicory-

why don't you try moving yourself to a new apartment, as that worked last time? or, why don't you go move in with one of your daughters for a while until you can find a new place?

that way, he will be forced to deal with his own situation and you can begin your life of peace.

i think him leaving jail is a great time to say you don't want him back.



i don't understand this quote of yours above...you say you want him to move out but then you ask him if there is going to be a problem. why are you asking him? YOU have a problem with it. that's enough. it's your home.
oh, and by the way, "a friend gave it to me" is the oldest and most used excuse in the world. from where i sit, it appears highly unlikely that his getting busted for pot smoking is a one-off situation because a friend gave it
to him.

Naive,
I called before coming home, for I knew he would be here. the police probably gave him a ride here, since they had to pass here, from court to the station. I simply wanted to feel out the mood, whether i needed to bring police- whether he was furious, or some other scary thing that I would not want to come home alone to. that is why i called. he was calm, and I felt safe coming home.
not all problems can be taken care of in 2 0r 3 days. i am giving myself time to do this right, for me.

the pot was from one of his friends. he smoked with them , when they were together, and I was not saying that he never did it. He did not have money for anything at the time. I would take him a thermos of coffee, and clean clothes . it was a bad time. I am glad that he has no driver license, so he cannot be homeless in it, in a way. he was too knumbskull , and got in trouble every time he turned around!

I hate trying to tell something here, for I am not so clear when i am in a hurry or upset.

thanks for the help
chicory
chicory is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
tjp613 (09-03-2010)
Old 09-03-2010, 03:28 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
ChrrisT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Hi Chicory,

Your situation just breaks my heart. This troubled man is your baby. I can't even imagine your pain of having to watch your son throw away the life you gave him.

I hear the heartache in your posts - making a point of even the smallest good moment, a single kind word, just to hold onto that little boy that you remember.

My son he's 11, He is such a sweet boy (when he's not torturing his sisters of course)
He's going to the Yankee's game tomorrow with his grandparents and dad. He's so excited, as only a little boy can be about such a thing, ya' know.

He left today and I thought of you after he was gone. How do I keep my little boy safe and happy like he is now? Am I raising all of them to be confident and self assured people who will be able to avoid these sorts of dangers? How do we know?

You have given me perspective Chicory - I will certainly think twice before I make an issue about something my RAH does or says. Cause we take or leave our spouses - but our children are what we live for. Even if they are grow. They are always our babies. Even when they don't need mommy anymore.

I hope with all my heart this has a happy ending for you and your son.
ChrrisT is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to ChrrisT For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-04-2010), chicory (09-03-2010), HealingWillCome (09-03-2010), LexieCat (09-03-2010), tjp613 (09-03-2010), wicked (09-03-2010)
Old 09-03-2010, 04:11 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,588
Blog Entries: 3
Prayers going out for both you and your son. Please be gentle with yourself at this trying time.
splendra is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to splendra For This Useful Post:
chicory (09-03-2010)
Old 09-03-2010, 04:53 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,924
Blog Entries: 1
Am I raising all of them to be confident and self assured people who will be able to avoid these sorts of dangers? How do we know?
If I could have done one thing different, it would be to have made him get a job, as a young man. That would have given him confidence.


- but our children are what we live for. Even if they are grow. They are always our babies. Even when they don't need mommy anymore.

You are so right, and they are still my joy. I am sad to do it, but it helps to think of him as "that man who needs to move out", but it is impossible to forget that i love him, and that he is mixed up.

I hope with all my heart this has a happy ending for you and your son.[/QUOTE]
Thank you sweetie. I am praying that all things go as they should.

I also pray that your son always treats his self and his momma with love. thinking of you, too. I bet he is having the time of his life tonight!

thanks so much,
chicory
chicory is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
Leise (09-03-2010), wicked (09-03-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 07:25 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Chicory, you don't have to explain your actions, decisions, or feelings. Nobody knows your situation as intimately as you do. I believe there is also a bit of physical abuse in your case in addition to the emotional abuse (throwing a container of dip is a threatening behavior--and physical abuse typically escalates). And that means you need to be extra careful when you try to separate yourself from your abusive son. There is nothing wrong with making a pre-emptive phone call to determine your son's state of mind and your level of safety.

I know for me, it was important for my piece of mind to know that I ended my relationship in such a way that my boyfriend knew that I still loved him--because I did. I wanted to be able to live my life without regrets no matter what became of him.

For me, it was important to do the right thing both for me and my boyfriend. And that process took time as I mulled over all the options in my head and tried to shield myself and my daughter from further harm. You will make difficult choices when they need to be made on your time frame.
FormerDoormat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to FormerDoormat For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-05-2010), wicked (09-04-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:52 AM.