i fell in the hole again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
i fell in the hole again
well, at least i had 5 days in a row of sanity.
tomorrow is a new day, right?
i had a rough morning with my duaghter. she didn't want to see her dad tonite. they had a rough patch on sat. related to him teasing/provoking her to get attention, etc and she wanted no part of him tonite. it really pushed my buttons.
they basically do ok together but when he is insecure or feels that he isn't in the center of things, he pushes, pulls, does whatever he can to get a reaction, to get what he wants from both of us.
then i had a really rough counseling session...basically our therapist told me that i need to work harder at setting up and maintaining my boundaries, work harder at being a better role model for my daughter (like teach her to say NO, stop allowing her dad to treat me badly, etc), work harder at keeping the focus on me, quit fantasizing about what my A and i could/should have, that i'm reenacting a lot of pain i experienced with my biological father, that i won't be ready on my end for a healthy partnership til i finish dealing with that, etc etc
it was excruciating
my A called later to talk about our daughter and everything bled together and i just totally and completely unraveled...hysterical crying, hopelessness, spewing all kinds of anger and venom, then swinging back to wanting things to be the way i want them (perfect little family)...all the sick **** i've done for so long in this relationship
he actually was the one that stayed sane on the phone....he called upon his program...he didn't make promises he couldn't keep...reminded me of my boundary of staying in the present (what?!)...he focused on himself and just kept saying he loved me and that he was sorry this was so hard and that i need to call my sponsor or whatever...kept saying that we know we love each other and that if we both commit to doing our work we'll be ok no matter what happens...even if we're not together
i hated him even more and got more crazy.
now i am ashamed, exhausted with big swollen eyes hours after the fact. i've managed to be ok with my daughter since she got home but she knows i don't look right.
i feel so hopeless.
i am so profoundly sad.
i spent my childhood running from pain.
i spent all of my 20's dealing with the abuse i suffered at the hands of my biological father. including hospitalization for severe depression and eating disorders.
and all of my 30's dealing with my A and his multiple addictions.
now i'm 40 and i'm still imprisoned by all of it...today i feel like a terrified little girl who wonders why these bad things are happening, who dreams of everything being fixed so i can just be happy and safe and have the daddy that i love and need so much
i want to cut all of this loose.
i am exhausted.
i don't want this anymore.
i don't want to pass this sickness onto my daughter. its too late, i know.
i'm going to mtgs regularly (at least 3 a week).
i have a temp sponsor
i'm working my first step..we're in the middle of it.
i'm reading
i'm writing
i'm praying
i'm coming here
i'm still struggling with picking up the phone but i'm doing it
can someone please help tonite? i don't even know what i need. just a friend who understands i guess. just some hope.
thank you
tomorrow is a new day, right?
i had a rough morning with my duaghter. she didn't want to see her dad tonite. they had a rough patch on sat. related to him teasing/provoking her to get attention, etc and she wanted no part of him tonite. it really pushed my buttons.
they basically do ok together but when he is insecure or feels that he isn't in the center of things, he pushes, pulls, does whatever he can to get a reaction, to get what he wants from both of us.
then i had a really rough counseling session...basically our therapist told me that i need to work harder at setting up and maintaining my boundaries, work harder at being a better role model for my daughter (like teach her to say NO, stop allowing her dad to treat me badly, etc), work harder at keeping the focus on me, quit fantasizing about what my A and i could/should have, that i'm reenacting a lot of pain i experienced with my biological father, that i won't be ready on my end for a healthy partnership til i finish dealing with that, etc etc
it was excruciating
my A called later to talk about our daughter and everything bled together and i just totally and completely unraveled...hysterical crying, hopelessness, spewing all kinds of anger and venom, then swinging back to wanting things to be the way i want them (perfect little family)...all the sick **** i've done for so long in this relationship
he actually was the one that stayed sane on the phone....he called upon his program...he didn't make promises he couldn't keep...reminded me of my boundary of staying in the present (what?!)...he focused on himself and just kept saying he loved me and that he was sorry this was so hard and that i need to call my sponsor or whatever...kept saying that we know we love each other and that if we both commit to doing our work we'll be ok no matter what happens...even if we're not together
i hated him even more and got more crazy.
now i am ashamed, exhausted with big swollen eyes hours after the fact. i've managed to be ok with my daughter since she got home but she knows i don't look right.
i feel so hopeless.
i am so profoundly sad.
i spent my childhood running from pain.
i spent all of my 20's dealing with the abuse i suffered at the hands of my biological father. including hospitalization for severe depression and eating disorders.
and all of my 30's dealing with my A and his multiple addictions.
now i'm 40 and i'm still imprisoned by all of it...today i feel like a terrified little girl who wonders why these bad things are happening, who dreams of everything being fixed so i can just be happy and safe and have the daddy that i love and need so much
i want to cut all of this loose.
i am exhausted.
i don't want this anymore.
i don't want to pass this sickness onto my daughter. its too late, i know.
i'm going to mtgs regularly (at least 3 a week).
i have a temp sponsor
i'm working my first step..we're in the middle of it.
i'm reading
i'm writing
i'm praying
i'm coming here
i'm still struggling with picking up the phone but i'm doing it
can someone please help tonite? i don't even know what i need. just a friend who understands i guess. just some hope.
thank you
Last edited by insane; 10-21-2003 at 04:32 PM.
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I wish I could give you a hug right now,I can feel your pain...
I am so so very sorry that you are having a rough time right now.
Is there anything I can say to help you feel better?
I know that what I am doing now is writing gratitude lists,using my G-d box,praying to my higher power and like you reaching out...these are the things that have helped me in the past when I've been in great pain...or even to keep me out of that place to begin with...I can relate to so many things in your story.
Take care,you're not alone,Elsa
I am so so very sorry that you are having a rough time right now.
Is there anything I can say to help you feel better?
I know that what I am doing now is writing gratitude lists,using my G-d box,praying to my higher power and like you reaching out...these are the things that have helped me in the past when I've been in great pain...or even to keep me out of that place to begin with...I can relate to so many things in your story.
Take care,you're not alone,Elsa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
thank you for responding vampgirl, especially when you are struggling yourself right now.
i read the big book acceptance paragraph you requested in your thread and it really helped me. thank you.
i was just reading some of the letting go passages in my hope for today book and read about using the God box as a tool...i think i will try that tonight.
thank you again. hugs and prayers to you for your situation.
i read the big book acceptance paragraph you requested in your thread and it really helped me. thank you.
i was just reading some of the letting go passages in my hope for today book and read about using the God box as a tool...i think i will try that tonight.
thank you again. hugs and prayers to you for your situation.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Just want you to know your not alone in your pain. There is a great group of people here to help and listen. You just vent away and get it all out here! We are all here for you! Even this recovering alcoholic! *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I know youre feeling bad and all you see is bad stuff right now. Theres lots of good stuff too. You just have to look for it. If all you look for is the bad stuff thats all youll see.
Your daughter can say no. She didnt like the way your husband acted and shes saying she wont put up with it.
Youre husband may be a jerk but he knows it and hes working on it. Hes going to counseling and when you unraveled he didnt use it to his advantage. He was actually very supportive.
Your daughter can say no. She didnt like the way your husband acted and shes saying she wont put up with it.
Youre husband may be a jerk but he knows it and hes working on it. Hes going to counseling and when you unraveled he didnt use it to his advantage. He was actually very supportive.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
INSANE;
Please wrap your left arm around til it can touch your right shoulder; now wrap your right arm around until it can touch
your left shoulder...
YOU"VE JUST BEEN HUGGED LONG DISTANCE!
I know you may not be laughing but I hope it brought a smile...SOOOO you're human..We all come unravoled at times...your going thru alot right now....but you can cry your tears, mend your head and heart and go forward....
Look at all the healthy things your doing for yourself...YOU Taking care of you is the best example for your daughter...
Love and prayers from one who cares
Please wrap your left arm around til it can touch your right shoulder; now wrap your right arm around until it can touch
your left shoulder...
YOU"VE JUST BEEN HUGGED LONG DISTANCE!
I know you may not be laughing but I hope it brought a smile...SOOOO you're human..We all come unravoled at times...your going thru alot right now....but you can cry your tears, mend your head and heart and go forward....
Look at all the healthy things your doing for yourself...YOU Taking care of you is the best example for your daughter...
Love and prayers from one who cares
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Just wanted you to know your not alone, all the things you listed how your reading and writing and praying, coming here getting to meetings etc...KEEP ON KEEPIN ON... those are good things that help. The more I grow mentally, the more I am realizing you cant do this alone, you cant do it without support. You have to know people are here for you and understand your pain and what your going through. Falling in the hole again isnt fun, taking small steps to get out is a huge accomplishment. You already have started because your coming here.....
Sending you lots of hugs!
Sending you lots of hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
thank you, all of you, for your kindness and support
i really need it and it really helped
i feel like your responses and love added some padding to my heart...i could really feel it...thank you so much...i am grateful
and cecelia, an extra thank you to you...thank you for helping me see some good in the situation. my daughter DID say no, didn't she? i can't tell you what that realization did for me late last night. and my husband was supportive wasn't he? he didn't use my pain to manipulate me this time. and i am working on me, aren't i?
i slipped into that hole and i'm still climbing out today and i have a horrible headache, but i'm better.
i read my daily readings and prayed
i woke up my daughter and snuggled with her for a few minutes...breathed slowly and deeply
and just focused on her, got her off to school
now i'm at work
gotta just stay focused on the next right thing...which is doing my work today, catching up from yesterday...i can do it
my husband didn't try to call home this morning...he let me be...he left a message on my cell which i turn off overnight til i get to work...his daily reading and that he knows i can get the peace and happiness i want and that he loves me no matter what...thats it
if its ok, i'm going to keep in touch here today just to help stay on top of things...and i'm going to my noon alanon mtg
thank you so much again
i really need it and it really helped
i feel like your responses and love added some padding to my heart...i could really feel it...thank you so much...i am grateful
and cecelia, an extra thank you to you...thank you for helping me see some good in the situation. my daughter DID say no, didn't she? i can't tell you what that realization did for me late last night. and my husband was supportive wasn't he? he didn't use my pain to manipulate me this time. and i am working on me, aren't i?
i slipped into that hole and i'm still climbing out today and i have a horrible headache, but i'm better.
i read my daily readings and prayed
i woke up my daughter and snuggled with her for a few minutes...breathed slowly and deeply
and just focused on her, got her off to school
now i'm at work
gotta just stay focused on the next right thing...which is doing my work today, catching up from yesterday...i can do it
my husband didn't try to call home this morning...he let me be...he left a message on my cell which i turn off overnight til i get to work...his daily reading and that he knows i can get the peace and happiness i want and that he loves me no matter what...thats it
if its ok, i'm going to keep in touch here today just to help stay on top of things...and i'm going to my noon alanon mtg
thank you so much again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
i forgot to share this earlier
it didn't even sink in until this morning actually
during one of my rants and hysterical crying jags with my A yesterday, he said...."do you know that i love you? do you know that it is not your fault that i have a problem? do you know that my acting out has nothing to do with you? do you know that i am working my own program so that i can live the life i say i want to live? do you know that i am just scratching the surface of how messed up i am and i am committed to following through with all of the work i have to do? do you know that i am committed to being ok even if we can't reconcile? do you know that i understand that it will take you a long time to believe in me again? and that i understand that you may never get to that place because of the damage i've caused?"
i couldn't hear it when he said it...i just kept screaming and blaming him.
i went nuts when he said that he couldn't stop the relapse because he didn't know or believe he had a problem at the time...his brain was screwing with him...making him crazy..."oh yeah well then why did you hide in the dark and lie?" is what i screamed back. i said "you knew it was wrong and did it anyway"...that stuff drives me crazy...its still so hard for me to understand.
but he really is starting to take responsibility, isn't he?
at least for today.
i just have to stay in today and focus on me.
even though that is a miracle, it may all dissolve and i have to keep going anyway.
but i have to ditch the fear. the fear of it all dissolving or of him lying about it all and continuing to use, which has happened in the past. what hasn't happened in the past is this level of responsibility and work. that is a change for him. i'll know what i need to know when i need to know it...as long as i work on me and get tight with my HP, right?
it didn't even sink in until this morning actually
during one of my rants and hysterical crying jags with my A yesterday, he said...."do you know that i love you? do you know that it is not your fault that i have a problem? do you know that my acting out has nothing to do with you? do you know that i am working my own program so that i can live the life i say i want to live? do you know that i am just scratching the surface of how messed up i am and i am committed to following through with all of the work i have to do? do you know that i am committed to being ok even if we can't reconcile? do you know that i understand that it will take you a long time to believe in me again? and that i understand that you may never get to that place because of the damage i've caused?"
i couldn't hear it when he said it...i just kept screaming and blaming him.
i went nuts when he said that he couldn't stop the relapse because he didn't know or believe he had a problem at the time...his brain was screwing with him...making him crazy..."oh yeah well then why did you hide in the dark and lie?" is what i screamed back. i said "you knew it was wrong and did it anyway"...that stuff drives me crazy...its still so hard for me to understand.
but he really is starting to take responsibility, isn't he?
at least for today.
i just have to stay in today and focus on me.
even though that is a miracle, it may all dissolve and i have to keep going anyway.
but i have to ditch the fear. the fear of it all dissolving or of him lying about it all and continuing to use, which has happened in the past. what hasn't happened in the past is this level of responsibility and work. that is a change for him. i'll know what i need to know when i need to know it...as long as i work on me and get tight with my HP, right?
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Fear is such a tough thing to let go of,I sure can really relate to that right now...On the bright side he certainly sounds like he's owning up to his past mistakes and taking responsibility,which is a terrific start.
I'm having trouble with the same issues...keeping the focus on me and one day at a time. Why are they so easy when I'm saying that to someone else than to do it myself,eh...lol! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Take care,Vampy
I'm having trouble with the same issues...keeping the focus on me and one day at a time. Why are they so easy when I'm saying that to someone else than to do it myself,eh...lol! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Take care,Vampy
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
It sure sounds to me like you are working on yourself. This sometimes causing us to go insane. The storm will be over soon. Just hold on tight. I have been there about a year into recovery all the **** I was working on with my councelor came out all at once I broke down in tears thinking I was crazy. Now I look back and know it was what I needed to let go of all the crap I was keeping inside. I was very calm and serene after this event. I have never gone through it again but have my moments. These moments are nothing like that week of hell I went through. You must know you will be alright just hold on tight
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
insane,
You are going to be just fine. I think we all have to go through this to get to the bottom of the pile of **** we accummulate during our lives. You are doing all of the right things for yourself.Take care and keep posting here. There are alot of things that others will see that we can't because we have our "blinders" on.
Hugs,
2many
You are going to be just fine. I think we all have to go through this to get to the bottom of the pile of **** we accummulate during our lives. You are doing all of the right things for yourself.Take care and keep posting here. There are alot of things that others will see that we can't because we have our "blinders" on.
Hugs,
2many
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