jehnifer

Hello Friends - Been a while but I know I can always hop in and get the support I need.

You may very well say Why are you with this man? What are you getting out of this relationship? But I need to share some things. I also have an alanon sponsor and am seeing a counselor.

My son left for college a couple of weeks ago. He is only 40 minutes away. But it was a big milestone for him!

He came home on Saturday becasue I told him we would shop for a bicycle to ride to school instead of worrying about driving/parking. My husband got VERY angry that he came home. We had a huge fight over it. My husband I guess was thinking 'good riddence' about my son when he left, and then there he is back at our house. Mind you my son is not ill behaved or disrespectful. He's actually quite easy going. My husband does not even say Hello to him.

I got defensive on Saturday and fought back when my husband blew up. Didnt see what was so wrong about my son coming home for the visit. It eventually blew over.

But then my husband BLEW UP last night because when he got home from work my son was there with his girlfriend. My son was doing his laundry becasue his dryer at his apt is not hooked up yet. Anyway, I decided I would not get into an argument this time. So I just listened to my husband's angry rant about my son - saying terrible things about him on and on and on. There is such bitterness. It hurts so bad to hear it, I dont think I can bear to listen to it anymore.

My husband said that he'd like for me to check with him first if my son wants to come home in the future. Give my husband the option to say, 'No its not a good time', or 'No I want space and don't want him around.' And I DONT THINK I CAN AGREE TO DO THIS. But that's what he's asking for. I am in so much pain. Something inside me just cannot imagine it. It's inconsistent with the home/environment that's been created and the relationship I enjoy with my son and what I want.

I am struggling with such ill feelings toward my husband but am working on Accepting what I know I cannot change. My alanon sponsor said Give it to god and do nothing until you have more clarity.

WHat are your thoughts? thank you for listening.

barb dwyer

Wow.
Is this a stepson or something?

All I have right now is a :hug

And a small reminder that it's your house, too.
But that's my knee jerk reaction
based on my own personality.

This is one of those things you take to your sponsor, I suppose.

I would take things I was unsure about how to walk 'the AA way' to mine.

"ok show me THIS ONE in yer book" sort of thing... ha!

And she would.

So my choice after that would be made in a different way.

MsPINKAcres

((Jehnifer))

Hate you are having such a difficult time - so glad you are seeking so much help for YOU - good for you - hang in there on that ~ from my experience it does help!

Also from my experience when I was living with my then AH - it was about control - I believe he felt like he wanted to have some "say so" and control in the household. My perspective was it was because his life and "insides" were so out of control ~ he was trying to control what he could.

My ex ah was very good about wanting to say whom could visit, when, where, etc. ~ I found out after we split up that he did a lot of the blaming of that on me ~ it was and is part of his disease.

What I did while living in that situation was kinda ask/inform type of thing . . .

"I know we don't have plans this wkend so _______ wants to come for a visit ~ that shouldn't be a problem as far as I see it ~ can you think of any reason why they can't?"

Usually this would go over a little better than me just telling him ~ one of the girls are coming to spend the wkend with us.

But I will say, in all honesty, when the active disease was in control - it didn't matter how I said, asked, or what I did - he would be angry, upset, blah, blah, blah. AND if the disease was active - the girls really didn't need to come for a visit anyway.

Just my e, s, & h -
Praying the best for you & yours,
PINK HUGS,
Rita

Still Waters

Maybe he wants you to warn him, so he can leave when your son is coming?

Wouldn't that be the nice thing for him to do? Well..not nice exactly, but seeing as he is the one with the issue with your son, then HE needs to take responsibility for his issues and maybe find some other place to be!

My AH resented my daughter, a lot. And when he wasn't being nasty or threatening to "cut all the money off" when he thought I was out of hearing, he was being all sweet and buddy buddy and manipulating. Very very bad place for a child (and an adult) to be.

Thank God your son is old enough to get away from that. Now, what about you? You deserve better too Jehn.

Freedom1990

I would have zero tolerance for someone talking trash like that. I was in a relationship for two years with a man who was not accepting of my kids.

It finally blew one night when he was referring to my then 8 year old daughter in horrible terms, and I kicked his a$$ to the curb.

You still have a daughter at home. She can't leave like your son can.

Your husband is an angry, controlling, emotionally/verbally abusive dry drunk, period.

Only you can decide when enough is enough. My heart really does hurt for both of your kids. I cringe when I read about his tyrannical behavior. Ugh.

naive

hi jehnifer-

i think it is totally unacceptable to separate a mother from her son. he's essentially asking you to choose between your son and him.

your choice.

if you don't choose, you will continue to be split in two.

naive

LaTeeDa

Have you asked yourself these questions? More importantly, have you answered them honestly?

From where I sit, I cannot fathom any man in my life treating my children horribly. I cannot fathom putting an abusive, mean, controlling jerk above my children on the priority scale. From my perspective, there is no relationship out there that is worth abuse to me or my children. But, that is from where I sit. Obviously, you are in a different place.

No one here can tell you why. You are the only one who has the answers. What is so valuable about having this person in your life? I don't know, but somewhere inside, you do. And finding that answer could just be the key that sets you free.

L

Jadmack25

Dear jehnifer, LTD is spot on when she suggests YOU look at those questions and see what YOUR honest answers are. I also cannot imagine being with someone who loathes my children, is so totally rude to them and shows what disrespect he holds for ME, in every nasty word he says to them.

You must be a very patient woman, because I would have whacked him in that big mouth a long time ago.
What a strong lad your son must be, to face this cruel and viscious personal attack every time he comes to see you, and how much he must love you.

Quote from OP by Jehnifer: ((( I am struggling with such ill feelings toward my husband but am working on Accepting what I know I cannot change.)))

No, you cannot change your husband from being a nasty, angry, offensive and ignorant dry drunk.....only he gets to do that for himself, but you DO NOT have to ACCEPT his stinking, disrespectful and abusive behavior.

That is not what is meant by "accept the things I cannot change", and it goes on to say "Courage to change the things I can".

You can change YOUR behavior....you could firmly tell him that you will not accept his disrespect or abuse any longer.
You could say that, if he can't be be polite to your children he is free to go elsewhere when they are there.
You could say that it is YOUR home also, and you want your children to visit you without being abused by him.

You could get off the floor and refuse to let a brute walk all over you.

There are lots of things YOU can do to change the situation for you and these range from meeting your kids elsewhere, to getting AH out of the picture completely.

As for the daughter who lives with you, it must be an awful position for her. To face his bad temper and harsh words day after day, not only to her but also seeing you cop his outbursts......not a good role model for marriage.

Maybe you are afraid of physical abuse if you stand up to him, if so then may I suggest you seek help from DV professionals, for your safety.

Others here may have lots more ideas and suggestions that may be a real help to you.

God bless

Carol Star

This is going to affect the boy. Isn't it his home ? School is a temporary home. He is a good kid and doesn't deserve this treatment. I would need to live in a less stressful environment.

suki44883

So...why do you stay with this man? I know I have asked you this question before but you have never answered. There must be some reason why you stay with someone who treats your son like dirt. Sorry to sound so rude, but this has been going on for quite a long time and we all ask the same question each time you post about it. Please...why would you allow someone to be so horrible to your child?

aasharon90

Wow...after reading ur share
it sounds just like my mom
did to me with my family.

And me with my own little
family.

My mom was the sick one
with alcohol and prescription
meds and I was the alcoholic
in my own marriage but in
recovery.

My mom didnt like drop ins
and i never understood that.
Esp. when I had in laws who
welcomed me with open arms
and drop in anytime.

My sickness turned out to
be the same as my mom.
Anxiety would came over
me when my kids wanted
friends to come over. I
copped a resentment,
fussed and the family
never understood why
I acted like I did.

And to this day Im
remarried and I still
dont like people showing
up unannounced. I
won't even answer my
door or phone. So Sad
isnt it?

I don't have a clue as to
why I behave like that.

TakingCharge999

I recall living with my dad in Austin for a while, well his wife never liked the idea, and put pressure on me to leave ASAP. My dad said "this is your home, too, anytime" well yes.. but no. Now they are far away, but this is taking me to stop trying to see my dad, why? because his wife is always there and the attention has to be on her. She is also "making him choose" between one or the other. In therapy I have seen this is also codependency, not being able to realize love is abundant and each relation has its place.

It is very sad, because I read your post and have read other of your posts and I can imagine how they feel rejected by this man... and by you. And one day they may have the option to see you, or do other plans, and they may choose other plans, because what was their home was not really their home.

I hope you answer those questions above honestly for yourself (not necessarily here) I am glad you are reaching out to counselor/alanon. Here I learned home has to be a space of relaxation and recovery from the world outside. It is just Basic health 101. I cannot imagine it otherwise now...

jehnifer

Thanks everyone. It's all very helpful for me to hear your responses and that why I put it out there. I have a lot of self-doubt and confusion -wondering if im over-reacting, too thin skinned or doing something wrong - is the reason im still here.

Just to clarify: His angry bitter hurtful rants are not heard by anyone but me. He doesn't blow up if he could possibly be heard by one of the kids. I think its because he knows it would reflect poorly on him. Around my kids he may do any of the variety: sulks, stomps, snarls, ignores, sighs, grumbles, and gives major silent treatment.

His rants are just at me, about me what im doing wornd and about the kids, and MY PART in this is that I allow it by agreeing to his "we need to tlak" and thinking that as a good wife I need to at least listen. I wont do that anymore. Courage to change the things I can.

The latest. Him: What's he doing here? He parked in the driveway! My response: He's sick. His response: That's ********! He's not sick.

So we're back form the dr. and my son has tonsillitis and probably strep and his throat is so swollen he can hardly swallow. So he has two prescriptions. He is here at home sleeping.
Cant wait for my husband to get home! NOT.

KerBearz

Hi Jehnifer,
When my AH was still drinking and not getting along with my youngest son, I told him point blank that if I have to choose between him or our children ~ I will choose the children every single time. His immature behavior stopped immediately. That's just been my experience. All of my codependent craziness and controlling has been under the guise of protecting my children from this destructive disease and I'm not messing around anymore. If he wants to be an a**hole and mistreat the kids (who are now adults)... he will have to go!

suki44883

Well, Jehnifer, you can put a stop to all that at any time. This has been going on for a few years now and nothing has changed. Frankly, considering how your husband treats your son, I'm surprised that you son even bothers coming over in the first place. I just can't imagine letting someone bully me and my kids around.

LaTeeDa

I'm noticing a pattern here that I see often on SR. You come here telling us how awful he is, then when many of us agree that he's awful, you come back and defend him.

I also think there is something very telling in this statement:

What does being a "good wife" mean to you?
How was it role-modeled to you as a child?
Why do you want to be a "good wife?"

Again, these questions are not for my benefit, but yours. Please don't feel compelled to answer them publicly.

L

dollydo

I must agree with the other posters. And, what difference does it make if others hear his verbal abuse aimed at you? You hear it, it is toxic and uncalled for.

What is your payoff for staying with him? That is a question I would ask myself.

ChrrisT

Wow! I felt the heat rising from my toes as I read your posts.

If my husband EVER behaved that way to or about my kids (his step children)

I would tell him to go drag his as*!!

That's just moronic. What is he - 5?

Remember blood is thicker...

Obviously I have no brilliant advice

but I do feel for you and you most certainly deserve to be with someone who at the very least has a little respect for you and your child.

Hugs

jehnifer

I just want to say I appreciate everything everyone said. Sincerely. I dont know what else to say really. Other than I feel rather foolish, but I am getting a lot of support and guidance and in time I understand God has a plan for me and I pray for clarity and the courage to do whats best for me ang the family. Thanks again.

jehnifer

Tonight He says: So he's here I guess? You took him to the dr. today? Me: Yes he's here, and Yes, I did take him to the dr. Him: Do you relaize how wrong that is? EXCUSE ME? But all i say is I am not discussing this. And get in the car to leave. He follows me to my car carrying on. I say Im not going to talk to you about this. And drive off.

I dont have to justify my actions, and I am NOT going listen to judgment and criticism when I am not even asking for an opinion. Little by little I will grow stronger. Thank you for your patience.