Old 08-31-2010, 03:48 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Auburn, New York
Posts: 1

my AH is just 90 days sober and while I applaud him for working the program (he goes to 2-3 meetings a day) I feel he has forgotten I even exist. He doesn't share anything with me and I am feeling empty and lonely. How long does this focusing solely on himself thing last. How can I feel less empty when it comes to our relationship?
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Old 08-31-2010, 04:30 PM
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I'm no angel!
dollydo's Avatar
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, addiction is a very selfish endevour, and, thus recovery is the same deal. I have never met an alcoholic who was not selfish.

Hard to say when it will end, but, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting. What are you doing for you?
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Old 08-31-2010, 10:17 PM
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same planet...different world
barb dwyer's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
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That's an excellent question, Leah.

Just like they (in my case, WE) have to learn how to be sober again,
we also have to learn how to be ourselves again.

If we ever were.

ourselves, I mean.

Now would be a good time to explore that.

You won't find me arguing about the selfishness thing.
No way no how.
But As Codies ... we can't even conceive of that concept.
We were taught to give ALL every last bit...
to borrow go bankrupt and then give more ...

and not once how to receive.

much less how to receive with grace.
with humility.
with beauty.

We have to teach ourselves these things.
We were taught
that a partner completes us.
validates us.
We were taught to look to the recognition of someone anyone
to be of any consequence.
Otherwise, we're without worth.

We were taught wrong.

I'm not saying this to be bossy
or to tell you what YOU are doing,
i'm telling you form the place of someone
who spent almost half a century
trying to make someone else give me value.

I'm hoping to spare you that.

If you're looking for your man to validate you
emotionally physically socially whatever ....
it's the wrong place to be looking.

Sometimes without realizing it
we do these fantastic selfless things
because secretly we believe
that this is the time
we'll get the credit we deserve.
Thing is
we never will.
so we have to learn to give that ... to ourselves.

I'm not saying
you have no right to need a hug
not saying that at all
I AM saying that
up until 90 days ago
you've known where his mind and heart have been.
In the bottom of a bottle.

Now his attention is someplace else.
And youre feeling that.
This is when you surround yourself with your Alanon sisters
and your friends
and your family (if applicable)

because your entire life ... is changing, as well.

The emptiness you're feeling inside
can't be filled by a man.
Any man.

I personally think it's Spirit talking to you.

You're being invited ... to experience a completely different kind of relationship.

Of the Infinite kind.
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