selfishness my AH is just 90 days sober and while I applaud him for working the program (he goes to 2-3 meetings a day) I feel he has forgotten I even exist. He doesn't share anything with me and I am feeling empty and lonely. How long does this focusing solely on himself thing last. How can I feel less empty when it comes to our relationship? |
Well, addiction is a very selfish endevour, and, thus recovery is the same deal. I have never met an alcoholic who was not selfish. Hard to say when it will end, but, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting. What are you doing for you? |
That's an excellent question, Leah. Just like they (in my case, WE) have to learn how to be sober again, we also have to learn how to be ourselves again. If we ever were. ourselves, I mean. Now would be a good time to explore that. You won't find me arguing about the selfishness thing. No way no how. But As Codies ... we can't even conceive of that concept. We were taught to give ALL every last bit... to borrow go bankrupt and then give more ... and not once how to receive. much less how to receive with grace. with humility. with beauty. We have to teach ourselves these things. We were taught that a partner completes us. validates us. We were taught to look to the recognition of someone anyone to be of any consequence. Otherwise, we're without worth. We were taught wrong. I'm not saying this to be bossy or to tell you what YOU are doing, i'm telling you form the place of someone who spent almost half a century trying to make someone else give me value. I'm hoping to spare you that. If you're looking for your man to validate you emotionally physically socially whatever .... it's the wrong place to be looking. Sometimes without realizing it we do these fantastic selfless things because secretly we believe that this is the time we'll get the credit we deserve. Thing is we never will. so we have to learn to give that ... to ourselves. I'm not saying you have no right to need a hug not saying that at all I AM saying that up until 90 days ago you've known where his mind and heart have been. In the bottom of a bottle. Now his attention is someplace else. And youre feeling that. This is when you surround yourself with your Alanon sisters and your friends and your family (if applicable) because your entire life ... is changing, as well. The emptiness you're feeling inside can't be filled by a man. Any man. I personally think it's Spirit talking to you. You're being invited ... to experience a completely different kind of relationship. Of the Infinite kind. |
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