Blogs


Notices

Trying to not FEEL GUILT..Its eating me up!

Old 09-01-2010, 09:29 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,944
Blog Entries: 7
Awwww, Shannon :hug

Well, then look at it this way -
I wrote what I wrote
because I know how 'we' are -
when we promise to do soemthing
we by god do it.

If she's gone nc w/ you
then you're off the hook for helping her.

And you've nothing to feel 'guilty' about.

Help offered
help ignored
been there
done that
nailed it shut.

:hug
barb dwyer is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to barb dwyer For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 09:40 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
And remember:

Helping: doing something for someone who can't do it for themselves
Enabling: doing something for someone who's PERFECTLY ABLE to do it for themselves.

Besides, there's no helping her if she won't speak to you.

Right now, take care of YOU.
nodaybut2day is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post:
Shanon29 (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 09:58 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
I am just confused on why she wont speak to me. HECK!!! Im not even sure I want us to even go there. But, she is making it out like I DID this. This is all my fault. I wont take responsibility for her actions. I need to let go but something just wont let me. I must figure that out. Thank you so much!
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
MsPINKAcres (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 11:03 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Shanon29 View Post
But, she is making it out like I DID this. This is all my fault.
That my friend is what alcoholic/addicts do! It is the victim mentally that the disease keeps them in!

My ex ah did the same thing when I left him regardless of the circumstances of why I left (unsafe, insane and unhealthy home life)

As far as talking with her - you can try if you want - but let me ask you this - is there REALLY anything that you haven't already tried to say a 1,000 times before ~ did it REALLY help before ~
You would probably come out better talking to a PINE Tree in the back yard ~ rather than talking to an active A.

For me, it was better to focus my time, energy and resources on what was healthy & recovery oriented on ME!

PINK HUGS!
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to MsPINKAcres For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-01-2010), Learn2Live (09-08-2010), Mataleao (09-01-2010), Shanon29 (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 11:23 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
jAPIC05...You made a great point. Yes 1,000 times talked talked talked. So let me ask you this. Why do I find myself sitting at my desk at work thinking about her. Thinking about cooking dinner for her. Taking OUR dog that I dont get to see outside. I mean all these things I did. Why cant I just see what she has done and jsut let go? Its like she would come home everyday and have beers before she went to bed. Not coutning the two nights a week she would stay out late. I was supposed to let her have her "guys night" no questions. I am just still blown away sad hurt that before she was so sorry blah blah and this time nothing I changed my number simply because the things that were being said from the both of us just wasnt rational. She hates me and for what??? WHY CAN I NOT LET GO!!!!!!
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
MsPINKAcres (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 12:55 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
You probably can't let go because you're not ready yet. Be gentle to yourself.

Being codependent is like being an addict, except you're addicted to a person, to what you get from being with them...a sense of importance, validation, perhaps even of superiority.

If someone is trying to quit anything cold turkey, be it cigarettes, alcohol or in your case, a toxic relationship (you know the one that felt soooo good once upon a time but now feel soooo bad and yet you can't stop going back for more punishment???), you would tell them to get some SUPPORT. Quitting anything cold turkey is hard. You're breaking old habits and creating new ones.

Since there's no "Codie Patch" that I know of, Al-Anon, SR and counselling are your best bets.

It's ok to go through the stages of grief as you mourn the end of your relationship and come to realize that it was not at all what you thought it was. Give yourself a break.

And keep posting
nodaybut2day is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post:
KeviKev (09-01-2010), MsPINKAcres (09-01-2010), Shanon29 (09-01-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 01:18 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
Great posts by everyone but the simple striaght forward and only answer to your initial question is NO.

Live your life.......you only get one life but you will find another love.
NicTKD is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to NicTKD For This Useful Post:
Shanon29 (09-01-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 02:10 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
THANK YOU THANK YOU...I am thinking about our relationship in a nut shell and I gotta say it wasnt that great. I gave more then I received in any general aspect. Some would say well it was only 6 months move on get over it. Well with the addiction we went through so much. Probably more then most would put up with in such a short time. I just feel like I am greiving over so many things all at the same time. When I except one thing something else comes up. It hurts to think that well to know she doesnt care and wont care about what she has done. I keep thinking to myself maybe she was brought into my life to look at some things about myself and my codependancy. My mother was an alcoholic and I often found myself telling her how much she reminded me of her. I am so angry at my ex. How could she runs in my head!!! But I must remember she has an addiction and that take priority over anything or anyone. Even if she only gets high twice a month she is still active. Granted she doesnt use everyday. Thank god for that. Her drinking well that is another story. She drinks 3 beers one night, 6 another night then pulls an all nighter. I guess it all goes hand and hand. I love her and I will always love her from afar.
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (09-02-2010), MsPINKAcres (09-01-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 02:28 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
just like "noday" said - it's a process

I didn't walk away from my exah and poof feel wonderful

we were married for 10 1/2 yrs - active disease; he entered rehab, got sober, I went to Al-Anon - we worked on ourselves, then our marriage; from my perspective we had the beginnings of what looked like it was going to be a recovery healthy marriage ~ but then we had Hurricane Rita come thru our area; there was chaos, pain, suffering and RELAPSE.

I stayed and tried for another 2 yrs - did a lot of grief work while I was there - it took a while to realize what I thought was going to happen ~ the dream life had died ~ time to go make another dream ~ and that's what I'm doing today!

Praying you continue to heal and find your new dream!
MsPINKAcres is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MsPINKAcres For This Useful Post:
HealingWillCome (09-01-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 02:58 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Just wished I meant more to her. I want to know if she misses me. But i know in the time we had she was never an emotional sympathetic person to begin with. Dont understand how I could be hated so much. Its so weird one minute i am good then I just get so sick to my stomach. Mornings are hell for me. Wake up wanting to just be sick. Nights I find really hard.
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 02:58 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 60
I'm going through almost the same thing you are, but to a little lesser extent now, as it's been 3 weeks since I left.
I was with her for a year and a half, we were engaged, but she just wouldn't stop drinking. She went to rehab, outpatient, psychologist, psychiatrist, AA, and got dry for a month and a half, then a relapse, dry for 2 weeks, another relapse, and another, until I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't see myself going through the rest of my life like that. As much as I wanted to believe her that she's still serious about her recovery, I couldn't, as she said that while drinking.
So I left, and have been dealing with lots of guilt and pain, and grief for the loss of the sweet person behind the addiction, but it's starting to diminish, slowly.
We talked for a while after that, but then I said something regarding her drinking, and she broke contact. It's for the best, no good can come out of staying in touch, as much as we still both love each other, and I'm slowly realizing this.
You are going through the 5 stages of grief, and so am I. I'm still bouncing back and forth between the stages, mostly between anger, depression and bargaining, but now, after 3 weeks, I'm starting to see acceptance in the distance.
I too spent 2 weeks doing nothing but thing about her, all day long, but I'm finding myself doing that less and less.
Like any relationship that ends, it will take a while to get over, and I can't see myself dating anyone anytime soon, but I hope that in time I will be able to let go completely.
phineas is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to phineas For This Useful Post:
Shanon29 (09-01-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 03:26 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Phineas thank you for the support. I have my days to where it isnt so bad. Some days I dont think about it at all. But when I do it is almost like pounding my head into a brick wall. She and I have broken up for this a few times. The lack of respect staying out all night. So many times she would ask to talk and I of course would go back. We both promises to do better. She used to say that I was the reason she stayed out all night. I would believe it and hate myself. Then I realized that it was excuses. The last contact I had with her was am email that said "what do you want me to do with your mail" and I was still anger mode and said do with my mail what you did to us throw it away. Then I accused her of cheating because i was told by a friend where she was and who she was with. Of course denies it. She has been working on a file for my sister's brother in law. A loan modification. My sister has been emailing her. Finally she decided to get intouch with my sister and she apologized and said that she was being vindictive and that she said she would do it and its not in her moral code to not do it. So then of course I ask myself really now you claim to have morals. That truly made me laugh. So I am having a lot of anxiety throughout my days. My work is suffering, health is sufferring. I know that it will get better. Time heals all right?? I think my ego is somewhat hurt as well. The fact she hasnt contacted me makes me sick. I know she is in a relationship so I have been told. Amazes me how one can move on so damn fast. But maybe it is part of the addiction. Thank you for your post. And I am sad that this addiction as come between you and your relationship.
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 05:00 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Blog Entries: 2
You will have good days and bad days....eventually the good ones will take over.......work the program you wish she would work......Read the Melody Beattie books. I wrote down the bad stuff he did and carried around the list for times I would miss him to remind me what it was really......not my magical thinking.
Carol Star is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Carol Star For This Useful Post:
Shanon29 (09-01-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 05:18 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Just got off work I have been dog sitting. I will be truly alone now with my thoughts and I am so scared. Thinking about who she is talking to. Or who she is with. This is DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!! I truly think that is my biggest problem. Been thinking a lot about what she used to say to me. You are so negative. And I agree with her I got to that point because I never knew what was next. Is she gonna come home to me tonight or will tonight be the night I am pacing worrying wondering. But at the same time when she was home watch tv have dinner go to bed. If she is with someone how can they make her happy and I couldnt. So these are the thoughts in my head everyday all day. I look forward to sleeping even if I have to take something to sleep. NYQUIL has become my friend. I HATE that. I shouldnt have to do it. *crying* I want to thank all of you if it wasnt for SR I think I would be truly depressed. Thanks for all the insight.
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (09-01-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-01-2010, 05:26 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Welcome to SR Shanon.
I have found that when I try to take care of someone else, that is my heart really wanting to take care of me. Somehow we super focus our concern and sympathy on others, where we should be taking better care of ourselves.

I have also found that caretaking is to dishonor that person. It takes away the opportunity for the person to practice their abilities and learn their own self worth.

Please try al anon.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (09-04-2010), barb dwyer (09-02-2010), wicked (09-01-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 09:02 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
So crazy thing happened. I woke up today for the first time not thinking about her. Driving into work they were talking about bad break ups and how to get past it. I love how the universe works I truly do. I havent felt this good in SO LONG! I am not sure what tomorrow brings or even this afternoon. But what I can say is that I know deep down I did the right thing. So I have a question for all my new friends on SR. Can anyone let me know what I should expect at an Al Anon meeting. I am working on finding one in my area. I am just really nervous.
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (09-02-2010), Carol Star (09-02-2010), Learn2Live (09-02-2010), Leise (09-02-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010), wicked (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 04:21 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Blog Entries: 2
The Alanon group will welcome you. You don't have to "share" unless you want to. They will read the steps and discuss a topic. They will share their experience with the topic. They will talk about how to get the focus on "us" not the alkie/addict and how to get better. Share what you are comfortable sharing or just say you will "pass". They are there for the same reasons you are.....they need help with dealing with the alkie/addict.....or letting them go, detaching with love, accepting the situation but mainly how to get you heallthy and enjoying your life again. They may offer you some pamphlets. If they have it get the one about the" merry-go-round "of living with addiction.
Carol Star is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Carol Star For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (09-04-2010), Shanon29 (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 05:35 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Each AlAnon meeting is different. Each one has its own "atmosphere" or "flavor." As with anything, try a few different meetings until you find one where you feel the best when you go. You do not have to do or say ANYTHING until you are ready. They will understand completely. Just remember, everyone there has likely felt what you are feeling, had the same questions, issues and concerns.

It is so good that you are going. Makes me smile. I am glad for you.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Shanon29 (09-02-2010)
Old 09-02-2010, 06:37 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Thank you both so much...I have times for two different locations next week...I am finally feeling better about the break up. Girls are seeing my happiness. Got asked for my number a few times. Even though it feels amazing. I know that I have some things that I must work on before I can get into another relationship. I do not want to bring this what I have been through into something new. It isnt fair. I am so excited and ready for my new path. I dont think I would have made the steps if it wasnt for SR. Thank you!!
Shanon29 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Shanon29 For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (09-08-2010), Learn2Live (09-08-2010), LexieCat (09-02-2010)
Old 09-04-2010, 01:01 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Why do i care who she is with??? Im in a funk today...
Shanon29 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:12 PM.