chicory

(((PurpleSquirrel)))))

you made me laugh so hard! thank you!

actually, i am getting a lot of laughs here, from this thread. So many witty women and fellas here. wish i could remember all of this, to use later.

bag yer head and hang on yer twaddle- kind of catchy, isnt it? Jadmack, I took liberties with that, OK?

Bucyn

Why do you have to talk to him about anything regarding your son? If you have a parenting plan, and a visitation schedule, you can do drop off and pick ups without coming within talking distance of one another, and you need very seldom to discuss it with him. Just don't deviate from the parenting plan. Yes, sometimes it's too bad there can't be flexibility, but allowing flexibility also means you allow opportunity for him to abuse you.

You can't co parent with an abuser. Number one rule about co parenting is there cannot be any abuse. If there's abuse, there's no co parenting.

Typically people have a parenting plan where one parent has physical custody and both parents have 50/50 legal custody. That means he can call the school and find out about grades and etc... himself without you. Generally the parent with physical custody makes the call in the case of a tie. And if the other parent doesn't like it, it can only be changed via court order, let him take it to the judge.

If you absolutely MUST communicate with him, do so only by email. Then you have proof of his abusiveness.

You'd be surprised how little communication you actually need to have with the other parent. Once I realized my XAH couldn't responsibly co parent, I went no contact with him. Pick ups and drop offs were at the police station. I followed the visitation schedule and never asked for deviation--it took away all his power.

At first I tried to involve him in school and medical stuff, but it was a way for him to be abusive, so I stopped. Let him call the school or the doctor weekly to see what was up. I was not his secretary, mother, or wife. His girlfriend tried to do it for him, but drs and the school shut her down. And then after a year she dumped him. Once he had to make the effort, he never did it. And since he never put any effort out, his complaints in court held no water.

My kids were 3, 5 and 6 when we split up. Maybe infants would be more difficult to pull back on, but the visitation exchange at the police cuts down on abuse--use that time to pass messages. He will have to behave, he will have a law enforcement witness.

No contact can work even with co parents. Just make the kids available for the scheduled visitation and you are above reproach. He doesn't need you to parent.

It's futile to communicate with an alcoholic anyway. They lie, manipulate and don't follow through anyway. So don't do the impossible.

transformyself

Well not all drunks are abusers. And I choose to communicate with him, when appropriate, about our children. I am not opting for no contact consistently, just when I need space. For the most part, he's a good father, except for being a drunk. Your experience may lead you to believe there is no such thing, but there is. Boundaries have to be strong, for sure, but for now-before he escalates deeper in his disease, he's quite helpful to me and we do co-parent together.

I know to expect these sorts of ridiculous statements from him when he's drunk, which is why I don't live with him.

But thanks for the concern and feedback.

CatsPajamas

ONCE again, I find myself suggesting that we stick to sharing our own experience, strength and hope, rather than telling someone else what s/he should or should not do.

And, as they say in the closing at most Al Anon meetings:

Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too.
If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help.
You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you.
After awhile, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.
Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.

coffeedrinker

sorry you had to get all stirred up like that, transform. as my good friend said to me on the phone when i called her in distress over my stbxah gettin me all riled up:
"well, that's why you're divorcing him, so you don't have to be around that".

sounds like you got back on your square. what a load of crud he shoveled your way.

transformyself

Hey this is wonderful. Wonder why I haven't heard it at my meeting?
Thank you.

coffeedrinker

WHAT?!

wow, that floors me. i LOVE that part of the meeting.

transformyself

I think I have to shut off my brain and be more present at the beginning of meetings. My life, if you only knew, right now is freaking crazy. Chaotic. I'm working on getting calmer in my mind, body, house, relations. The monkey chatter in my brain is on overdrive though but I'll listen more carefully next meeting.

LaTeeDa

What worked for me--

Strong, consistent boundaries.

If I had to talk to him about <whatever>, I would only talk/listen about <whatever>. I didn't have to tell him my boundary, my actions were enough. If we were talking about <whatever> and he got off on a tangent (favorite things like blaming, talking about "us", telling me how miserable he was) I would end the conversation *immediately.* No trying to steer him back to <whatever>, no arguing with him about his topic of choice, just "gotta go, bye." Sometimes, depending on how cognizant he was, I would say something like "I guess we will talk about <whatever> later. Gotta go, bye."

No exceptions, no variations, no engagement, period. It took a couple months, where I was talking to him at least once a week, and believe me, it was exhausting at the time. But, eventually, he got the message that if we were going to talk about <whatever>, that's what we were going to talk about, or we weren't going to talk. It's like house training a small puppy. You have to be consistent, or they won't get it. It's totally worth the effort, though.

L

Jadmack25

Transform and all others. I was looking for a funny on man training and saw this instead. I am still laughing my head off (I am also on my own, hmmm) as it could fit my late XAH perfectly. I reckon it might just fit a few others belonging to posters here, as well.
See what you think?



God bless

keepinon

OK, too funny..from the headline I thought he was saying the kids were suffering because of HIM! Imagine my shock that he was talking about you? How much more insightful would it have been if he had been talking about himself? Hilarious the self deceit!:rotfxko

NicTKD

Just had the same "conversation" with my AW...it's all my fault because the downstairs loo doesn't flush too well. She's throwing up saying the kids need a new house because I wont get it fixed. If the loo flushed everything would be ok and she wouldn't drink. Heard it all before......not quite water off a ducks back but I don't take it too seriously and neither should you. The man is a prat.