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new guy/double post

Old 08-30-2010, 06:29 AM
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new guy/double post

hi!

new guy here......just gave wife her walking papers.

after reading some yesterday it seems as though i'm not alone as far as not being able to cope with a spouse who chooses alcohol over family.

i've done the searching for hidden bottle routine,withheld the vehicle and cash, begged and pleaded.

last week i hired an attorney and had her evicted.......now i'm doing the typical "she's a good person when she's sober" mental gymnastics.

guess i'm just looking for some cyber comroderary.
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Old 08-30-2010, 06:41 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find lots of support and information here. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I understand the "stinking thinking", and I had to retrain my brain. I carried around a piece of paper in my wallet that reminded me of what I was walking away from. It said:

______'s love comes with:
drunkeness
physical illness
legal problems
financial woes
emotional stress
depression

It may also help to journal. Writing down all the things I have endured from my front row seat to the addiction, and re-reading them later helped me to maintain my resolve. My resolve to take better care of me.
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Old 08-30-2010, 06:45 AM
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Hi there H+A, You are very much in the right place here. As you see from my signature I have the roller coaster smiley. Life with a A is like that. never know what is coming next. I have also been here foe a very short time, but the responses and the info has been so inspiring and helpful. The most important part of supporting your A is to look after yourself. So often we end up trying to 'fix' everything instead of making sure that we are fully intact to face what life gives us. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there and keep browsing here.....I have had so many good answers to my questions. :ghug3
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Old 08-30-2010, 07:07 AM
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How do you have your spouse evicted?
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Old 08-30-2010, 07:17 AM
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Welcome to SR! You are in the right place, there are a few of us "Dudes" here among the women folk.

As Still Waters asked. How did you get the wife evicted??? What process/statute/precedence was used? Curious minds wanna know.
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Old 08-30-2010, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
How do you have your spouse evicted?
short story.....write a check.



long story.......
my business and home are under one roof, i own the property and did prior to the marriage.
i had to swear out an affidavit citing drunken/irrational behavior on her part and the inability to earn a living if i were to surrender my business by leaving myself.
it took the local sheriff to serve the papers and a judge to sign them.

i hope she gets some help `cause there are kids involved (hers and mine not ours)......
joined the forums looking for advice/support and a cyber ear.
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Old 08-30-2010, 07:45 AM
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You might want to read the stickies at the top: our power posts
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Old 08-30-2010, 08:08 AM
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Welcome hurtandangry. You have come to the right place. I've also been through the craziness of living with an alcoholic. My divorce was final in Jan. This forum was a lifeline during a very dark period in my life when I felt I could talk to no one. I also found AlAnon and highly recommend it for you. It has also been a tremendous source of support and information.
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Old 08-30-2010, 09:18 AM
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Ditto to what RollTide said...this place has helped me A LOT in between my Alanon meetings. It has really been a life saver. I left my wife almost 2 years ago.
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Old 08-30-2010, 09:22 AM
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Well...

i've done the searching for hidden bottle routine,withheld the vehicle and cash, begged and pleaded.

last week i hired an attorney and had her evicted.
Trying to force and control her didn't work, apparently.

Funny, this is pretty close to what my AH did to me. Left me stranded and moved all the money, closed the accounts. Threatened to have me evicted. All the while, telling friends and family he was trying to "help" me. Except I don't drink, or do drugs.
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Old 08-30-2010, 10:06 AM
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Hi Hurtandangry. Welcome to SR. I couldn't have made it without this place.

I'm "on the other side" now having finalized the divorce and custody.

Keep reading and posting as much as you like! SR is always open...
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Old 08-30-2010, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
short story.....write a check.



long story.......
my business and home are under one roof, i own the property and did prior to the marriage.
i had to swear out an affidavit citing drunken/irrational behavior on her part and the inability to earn a living if i were to surrender my business by leaving myself.
it took the local sheriff to serve the papers and a judge to sign them.

i hope she gets some help `cause there are kids involved (hers and mine not ours)......
joined the forums looking for advice/support and a cyber ear.

In florida there is a law that is similar. An addict can get involuntarily committed into treatment. Maybe other states have such a thing.

I know it is terrible to go through what I know all to well leading up to that action.


Letting her feel the consequences is the best thing as we all know. Perhaps it will help her find sobriety.

Your family have my prayers.
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Old 08-30-2010, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Well...



Trying to force and control her didn't work, apparently.

Funny, this is pretty close to what my AH did to me. Left me stranded and moved all the money, closed the accounts. Threatened to have me evicted. All the while, telling friends and family he was trying to "help" me. Except I don't drink, or do drugs.
no drinking or doping on my part.

about a year ago the poor behavior started....yelling, missing money, no job, you know the drill.......i trusted and believed in her promise that "it won't happen again"..

it happend......i cut my losses.

now i'm trying to cope with my own self doubt, i should have done something different.....if only i'd........

i know that it wasn't me hiding vodka in the kids water bottles, wasn't me screaming and yelling in front of the kids, but none-the-less i'm still trying to deal with the self doubt that accompanies most folks who choose to remove themselves and their child from an unhealthy enviornment.

she is not "stranded" her family has once again opened their door so that she and her child have a roof over their heads.

now i'm trying to get myself and my house in order so that i can be the best single father that i'm capable of being.

i hope she seeks treatment, but i have no control over her actions, just as i had no control over her drinking.

what i can control is myself...i can refuse to participate both emotionally and financially....what i'm having issues with is my own sense of guilt...that's why i sought the advice of those who've "been there-done that".
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Old 08-30-2010, 10:36 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
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Have you begun the divorce process? I know that the thought of finally being legally free of my AH is worth me losing everything. That speaks volumes. It.is.worth.it.

I understand that hope, that one day they'll find recovery - but I don't have to be legally tied to mine while he stays a dry drunk.

Guilt is useless. You know you have no control over her, if you're feeling guilty about your own actions then take a look at your motivations. I too felt guilty, when I fled the home. But, after time away, away from the insanity, I realized I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I was able to see the forest for the trees if you will.


Give yourself some time to get some perspective from a place of peace.
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Old 08-30-2010, 10:49 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Have you begun the divorce process? I know that the thought of finally being legally free of my AH is worth me losing everything. That speaks volumes. It.is.worth.it.

I understand that hope, that one day they'll find recovery - but I don't have to be legally tied to mine while he stays a dry drunk.

Guilt is useless. You know you have no control over her, if you're feeling guilty about your own actions then take a look at your motivations. I too felt guilty, when I fled the home. But, after time away, away from the insanity, I realized I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I was able to see the forest for the trees if you will.


Give yourself some time to get some perspective from a place of peace.

yes i filed for divorce along with a restraining order.......just last thursday!

the wound is still fresh, i've been talking to a counselor on my own for well over a year but the reality is still hard to cope with even though i know it's the right thing to do.

as for "the insanity"........some days all was good, others all was nuts.

at least now i'm in control of what nuttiness takes place in my house and i'm hoping to mitigate my own emotional roller coaster by typing.

i need to start packing her stuff today.....no fun but necessarry.
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Old 08-30-2010, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post

what i can control is myself...i can refuse to participate both emotionally and financially....what i'm having issues with is my own sense of guilt...that's why i sought the advice of those who've "been there-done that".
I'm still there. I left my alcoholic fiancée just 3 weeks ago, and it's still all very fresh and painful.
I too, am dealing with the "she's a good person when she's sober", and keep thinking in my head that maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasn't that bad, even though I know I made the right decision.
I'm glad I left the alcoholic, but I mourn the loss of the person behind the addiction, and I mourn the loss of all my hopes and dreams.
I keep hoping for a happy ending, for her to see her wrong ways, but I know that's not going to happen.
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Old 08-30-2010, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by phineas View Post
I'm still there. I left my alcoholic fiancée just 3 weeks ago, and it's still all very fresh and painful.
I too, am dealing with the "she's a good person when she's sober", and keep thinking in my head that maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasn't that bad, even though I know I made the right decision.
I'm glad I left the alcoholic, but I mourn the loss of the person behind the addiction, and I mourn the loss of all my hopes and dreams.
I keep hoping for a happy ending, for her to see her wrong ways, but I know that's not going to happen.
as i'm packing stuff the reality of her addiction is really hitting home....it wasn't just vodka in the kids water bottles it was hidden empty jugs of cough medicine, vanillia extract.....

hopes and dreams are something we're both going to have to pull back from and regroup.....

hang in there!
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Old 08-30-2010, 12:33 PM
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Welcome!

I was glad to read you've got a counselor...
this is far too difficult to go alone.

Along with others, I can't recommend enough looking into a circle of suppport,
namely ALANON ...
they know what your'e feeling, and you said you were loking for comraderie...

something for the back burner anyway.

Again welcome aboard.
Very sorry for the circumstance,
but always willing to make a new friend.
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Old 08-30-2010, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
Welcome!

I was glad to read you've got a counselor...
this is far too difficult to go alone.

Along with others, I can't recommend enough looking into a circle of suppport,
namely ALANON ...
they know what your'e feeling, and you said you were loking for comraderie...

something for the back burner anyway.

Again welcome aboard.
Very sorry for the circumstance,
but always willing to make a new friend.
hi barb!

can't even begin looking for the closest alanon group for at least a week so you guys are stuck with me while i try and come to grips with what i'm dealing with........sorry!
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Old 08-30-2010, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
hi barb!

can't even begin looking for the closest alanon group for at least a week so you guys are stuck with me while i try and come to grips with what i'm dealing with........sorry!

Man, so far your "smarts" in this situation has dusted me by at least 2-3 years. Good job.

Glad to see you "got out" with your sense of humor in tact! It'll serve you well as you "recover" from all this mess.

Welcome, and yea, Alanon.

SR's good, and cyber-hugs are good. But picture ALL these fine folks IN PERSON, giving live hugs......priceless!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Damnit, we gotta have a reunion or something.
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