new guy/double post
 

hi!

new guy here......just gave wife her walking papers.

after reading some yesterday it seems as though i'm not alone as far as not being able to cope with a spouse who chooses alcohol over family.

i've done the searching for hidden bottle routine,withheld the vehicle and cash, begged and pleaded.

last week i hired an attorney and had her evicted.......now i'm doing the typical "she's a good person when she's sober" mental gymnastics.

guess i'm just looking for some cyber comroderary.

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find lots of support and information here. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I understand the "stinking thinking", and I had to retrain my brain. I carried around a piece of paper in my wallet that reminded me of what I was walking away from. It said:

______'s love comes with:
drunkeness
physical illness
legal problems
financial woes
emotional stress
depression

It may also help to journal. Writing down all the things I have endured from my front row seat to the addiction, and re-reading them later helped me to maintain my resolve. My resolve to take better care of me.

Hi there H+A, You are very much in the right place here. As you see from my signature I have the roller coaster smiley. Life with a A is like that. never know what is coming next. I have also been here foe a very short time, but the responses and the info has been so inspiring and helpful. The most important part of supporting your A is to look after yourself. So often we end up trying to 'fix' everything instead of making sure that we are fully intact to face what life gives us. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there and keep browsing here.....I have had so many good answers to my questions. :ghug3

How do you have your spouse evicted?

Welcome to SR! You are in the right place, there are a few of us "Dudes" here among the women folk. :)

As Still Waters asked. How did you get the wife evicted??? What process/statute/precedence was used? Curious minds wanna know. :)

short story.....write a check.



long story.......
my business and home are under one roof, i own the property and did prior to the marriage.
i had to swear out an affidavit citing drunken/irrational behavior on her part and the inability to earn a living if i were to surrender my business by leaving myself.
it took the local sheriff to serve the papers and a judge to sign them.

i hope she gets some help `cause there are kids involved (hers and mine not ours)......
joined the forums looking for advice/support and a cyber ear.

You might want to read the stickies at the top: our power posts

Welcome hurtandangry. You have come to the right place. I've also been through the craziness of living with an alcoholic. My divorce was final in Jan. This forum was a lifeline during a very dark period in my life when I felt I could talk to no one. I also found AlAnon and highly recommend it for you. It has also been a tremendous source of support and information.

Ditto to what RollTide said...this place has helped me A LOT in between my Alanon meetings. It has really been a life saver. I left my wife almost 2 years ago.

Well...

Trying to force and control her didn't work, apparently.

Funny, this is pretty close to what my AH did to me. Left me stranded and moved all the money, closed the accounts. Threatened to have me evicted. All the while, telling friends and family he was trying to "help" me. Except I don't drink, or do drugs.

Hi Hurtandangry. Welcome to SR. I couldn't have made it without this place.

I'm "on the other side" now having finalized the divorce and custody.

Keep reading and posting as much as you like! SR is always open...

In florida there is a law that is similar. An addict can get involuntarily committed into treatment. Maybe other states have such a thing.

I know it is terrible to go through what I know all to well leading up to that action.


Letting her feel the consequences is the best thing as we all know. Perhaps it will help her find sobriety.

Your family have my prayers.

no drinking or doping on my part.

about a year ago the poor behavior started....yelling, missing money, no job, you know the drill.......i trusted and believed in her promise that "it won't happen again"..

it happend......i cut my losses.

now i'm trying to cope with my own self doubt, i should have done something different.....if only i'd........

i know that it wasn't me hiding vodka in the kids water bottles, wasn't me screaming and yelling in front of the kids, but none-the-less i'm still trying to deal with the self doubt that accompanies most folks who choose to remove themselves and their child from an unhealthy enviornment.

she is not "stranded" her family has once again opened their door so that she and her child have a roof over their heads.

now i'm trying to get myself and my house in order so that i can be the best single father that i'm capable of being.

i hope she seeks treatment, but i have no control over her actions, just as i had no control over her drinking.

what i can control is myself...i can refuse to participate both emotionally and financially....what i'm having issues with is my own sense of guilt...that's why i sought the advice of those who've "been there-done that".

Have you begun the divorce process? I know that the thought of finally being legally free of my AH is worth me losing everything. That speaks volumes. It.is.worth.it.

I understand that hope, that one day they'll find recovery - but I don't have to be legally tied to mine while he stays a dry drunk.

Guilt is useless. You know you have no control over her, if you're feeling guilty about your own actions then take a look at your motivations. I too felt guilty, when I fled the home. But, after time away, away from the insanity, I realized I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I was able to see the forest for the trees if you will.


Give yourself some time to get some perspective from a place of peace.

yes i filed for divorce along with a restraining order.......just last thursday!

the wound is still fresh, i've been talking to a counselor on my own for well over a year but the reality is still hard to cope with even though i know it's the right thing to do.

as for "the insanity"........some days all was good, others all was nuts.

at least now i'm in control of what nuttiness takes place in my house and i'm hoping to mitigate my own emotional roller coaster by typing.

i need to start packing her stuff today.....no fun but necessarry.

I'm still there. I left my alcoholic fiancée just 3 weeks ago, and it's still all very fresh and painful.
I too, am dealing with the "she's a good person when she's sober", and keep thinking in my head that maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasn't that bad, even though I know I made the right decision.
I'm glad I left the alcoholic, but I mourn the loss of the person behind the addiction, and I mourn the loss of all my hopes and dreams.
I keep hoping for a happy ending, for her to see her wrong ways, but I know that's not going to happen.

as i'm packing stuff the reality of her addiction is really hitting home....it wasn't just vodka in the kids water bottles it was hidden empty jugs of cough medicine, vanillia extract.....

hopes and dreams are something we're both going to have to pull back from and regroup.....

hang in there!

Welcome!

I was glad to read you've got a counselor...
this is far too difficult to go alone.

Along with others, I can't recommend enough looking into a circle of suppport,
namely ALANON ...
they know what your'e feeling, and you said you were loking for comraderie...

something for the back burner anyway.

Again welcome aboard.
Very sorry for the circumstance,
but always willing to make a new friend.

hi barb!

can't even begin looking for the closest alanon group for at least a week so you guys are stuck with me while i try and come to grips with what i'm dealing with........sorry!

Man, so far your "smarts" in this situation has dusted me by at least 2-3 years. Good job.

Glad to see you "got out" with your sense of humor in tact! It'll serve you well as you "recover" from all this mess.

Welcome, and yea, Alanon.

SR's good, and cyber-hugs are good. But picture ALL these fine folks IN PERSON, giving live hugs......priceless!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Damnit, we gotta have a reunion or something. :c031:

Welcome to our world, one of heartbreak and disappointment...until....we take control of our life.

You are going to be just fine, left, right, left, right, one day at a time. You are driving your car, and, that is exactly where you need to be, behind the wheel.

Keep posting, it will help.

driving is the easy part keeping it between the ditches at high speed on this rough road is a bugger!

i've done my own pennance for my own poor behavior......it just galls me that i was stupid enough to get so involved with someone who hasn't learned their own lessons yet..

when i ran wild i was childless and single.....i'm no longer childless and i "will" keep my car between the ditches.....

been 8 days since i posted in this thread......
no contact between she and i.
i'm still doing the geeze i miss her..........but then gawd it was an awful mess.
wondering how 6y/o step daughter is doing.
wondering if her mother has sought treatment.
been working on "me" stuff and work, procrastinating packing her things.
thank god for the dog!

Hi Mate,

i can totally understand what you are going through. My ex (as of 4 months ago) was a heavy drinker, it actually hospitalised her for 6/8 weeks over the past xmas and New Year, she was told to stop the drinking but within 3 weeks of her release from hospital, i knew she was back on the drink, made me feel worse than I had before. I am feeling very low, even though I knew that I couldnt help her, I tried and tried over 12 years, but was always facing a constant battle. I even now still think to myself that I was to blame for her abuse, even when she told me that It was my fault it dug a knife into me just that little bit further.
i found bottles of Oasis fruit juice that were full of vodka, hidden around the house, cartons of cranberry juice (which i detest) at the back of the fridge, which were laced with Vodka, even empty bottles of Water which stunk of Vodka. I did everything wrong by confronting her and without losing my rag, tried to shame her into giving up, but to no avail. The most hurtful part is that I asked her parents to help me, they chose not to believe me that her addiction was that bad, it was almost like I was on my own, trying to convince myself that things were not that bad. Its the worst feeling in the world when you actually start to feel totally responsible for another persons actions, then feel the guilt that maybe it was in some small way, your fault. I would have given my own life just to see her stop the drinking, even now I would walk over mountains to help her, even though she does not want contact with me. Its more grinding when I remember the beautiful and kind person she was without the devil inside her, even now, I will not let anyone put her down in her abscence, as I said, she still means the world to me, although I have to accept that it is over........I am now slowly realising that it wasnt me that made her drink, it was her choice, however, i still have the grief and the feelings of mass guilt inside me that I just didnt do something properly, or didnt give her enough help to beat the demon.......


Mate, you are not alone, sometimes i will sit here and cry my eyes out knowing that someone so beautiful on the inside, someone so kind when sober and someone so loving is no longer in my life.......as I say, the guilt is the worst thing to suffer from, but equally so the resentment that i seem to have against her for no reason whatsoever is the what grinds me. I know that deep down, she will beat this, but I just wish that I was able to be part of her beating it...

thanks sm!
it is somewhat easier doing our own rollercoaster than letting somebody else drive........but the loneliness and worry is a real bugger.
best to you and yours.

And likewise to you mate

I know just how you feel hurt and angry, I'm going through similar feelings myself at the moment, trying to be detached and laid back.
My AGF has done rehab and now in recovery and doesn't seem to want me involved. That hurts when I did no much for her.
Good on you for making some hard decisions I'm no where near that stage, she keeps dragging me back with phone calls asking me to wait for her. Part of me wants too as she appears to be in recovery part of me doesn't.
I wish I had your strength and I already attend Alon on.

Okay folks I need to pick the collective brainpower here…

I’ve been no contact for six weeks; things are pretty stable in my life right now other than the typical loneliness and concern.

I had my attorney let my wife’s attorney know that if she sought treatment for alcoholism I would attend marriage counseling to see if we can move forward as husband and wife.
A week ago my attorney’s paralegal phoned and said the attorneys had spoken and that “wife was agreeable to counseling” but that I should wait for her to contact me…

Last night I got an e-mail from the wife explaining that her attorney had written the wrong e-mail in her correspondence?
No mention was made of a letter by my attorney’s paralegal nor have I received any such letter…
I did write back one sentence stating that I received no letter.

Moving forward into the realm of “what-if”..
If I agree to move forward toward trying to heal our marriage how can one tell if their spouse is sober?
I believed that the railing and mood swings were menopause last time around...until she passed out in a mud puddle in the back yard...I trusted her to control herself without antabuse….until I tasted vodka mouth at 6:00am.

There are severe trust issues that I need to deal with before I can even attempt counseling as a couple. The counselor I have been talking to for a couple of years is of the opinion that rehab and AA are the best course? It may very well be for her, but after being duped once to often I believe at this point that I need proof of sobriety whether it’s a breathalyzer or antabuse.
Have any of you who have stood by a spouse while they dealt with their addiction found a method of assuring yourself that your spouse was sober?
Many moons ago when I was in the service I worked in the military hospital and folks who couldn’t behave when drinking were ordered to take antabuse so I have firsthand knowledge of it’s effectiveness…if I insist on medication as a predecessor to marriage counseling would I somehow be in the wrong?

I realize I can’t control her behavior only mine but I also don’t want to waste my time or energy fruitlessly nor do I want my son exposed to the poor behavior or the healing process if I can help it … so my logic is that in order for me to invest my time I would need assurance of her credibility.
I’ve read and read here and have found precious few couples who have survived the broken trust associated with alcoholism…I don’t want to not try because I still love her as does my son but I would rather let the love go than have either of us subjected to poor behavior…

Thanks in advance!

First of all, you're much wiser than I was in the same situation. It took me several years of nonsense to finally get out, even then, a judge finally put my axw out of the house because I was still unable to make that decision. So I applaud your logic and clarity so far. Good job.

I think what you're asking for here is a guarantee of someones credibility, an active alcoholic with NO credibility. There are simply no guarantees in life, under the best of circumstances. I think you already know the answer to your question.

My axw sounds perfectly fine on the phone. We had a nice chat just yesterday, she's returning some watch of mine she just found in a box she took 4+ years ago. I thought, well that's nice, she's finally trying to be civil.

Then I remembered she was hospitalized last month for 10 or so days and had 6 liters of fluid removed from her stomach and almost died from her alcoholism, despite claiming sobriety for the last 3 years. Then I remembered she is rarely nice without a price tag, usually in the form of some unreasonable request.

Recovery from alcoholism is obvious from great distances, our gut tells us the truth that our minds sometime would rather not see. It's the same with an alcoholic trying to feign recovery, it is obvious to our gut. Listen to your gut, it will never lie to you.

BTW, I was told by 2 different marriage counselors that counseling would be a waste of time without treating the alcoholism first.

You can always revisit the marriage down the road if your wife chooses recovery. Lots of people get remarried. But I must say, of all the relationship mistakes I've made though out the years, I've yet to make THAT one! A man has to take pride in himself where he can. Ha!

I think you are doing great, good luck, and keep posting.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

I'm in a similar situation. I've been separated for one month from AH, and still desparately love and miss the man he used to be before the disease stole him away. Though I know that things couldn't have continued the way they were and that I'm better off without him in my life right now, I still can't help but mourn deeply for the person he is without the alcohol. Everywhere I go, there are memories of him, and my heart is breaking thinking of a life without him.

Like you, I would be willing to take him back if I knew for a fact that he was actively working on recovery. I would wait for him indefinitely if I knew at the end of it all that he would be "healed" and I could have him back healthy and whole. But sadly, there are no guarantees, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to allow the doubt and uncertainty back in my life. I wish I had a crystal ball to see 5 years into the future. I'm afraid to take him back and wish that I had left when I had the chance, and I'm afraid to let him go and spend the rest of my life missing him. It's a dark place to be, and there are no easy answers.

I hope it helps to know you're not alone. I've found a lot of support here, and am so grateful to have found this place to help with my grieving.