taken as such.

Dear HurtAndAngry,
I was not offended. I tend to take everything literally and often miss other subtleties of conversation because I have a cognitive disability. But thank you.

I sincerely hope that you go back to Al-Anon and give it a full try. I want you to know that my questions are not judgments of you or complaints, or as they say in Al-Anon, not an indictment.

Before I found Al-Anon, I had a certain kind of mindset and some pretty unhealthy ways of relating to others. I was a big drinker in my twenties and spent most of my free time drunk. All of my relationships were pretty shallow despite thinking they were the opposite. By the time I got to Al-Anon, I was pretty defensive any time anyone pointed out anything to me. I believe that came from all the years of sick relating, and especially from surrounding myself with abusive people.

But I learned to tear down my defenses myself. And I learned this by observing other people do it themselves. In Al-Anon. By going and just listening to others with an attentive ear, I recognized that I was just like THEM. And I realized that what they had accomplished for themselves in their relationships I could too. And so I kept going and kept listening and pretty soon, the armor came off completely and the shroud of decades of denial surrounded by alcoholism and sickness and abuse began to fall away. And my eyes became open for the first time in my life. I could finally see ME.

And I hope this for you too.

I WISH THERE WAS A "LIKE" BUTTON ON THIS POST! You are on the right track.

my al anon group is a mixture i think both men and women and ive found for me it is invaluable i even phoned one of my group members up other night and found it very helpful knowing she was there for me to speak to.
I also can empthise with u on the changing your mind bit and the im not sure im doing the right thing cos im there too i change my mind constantly and cant seem to make any sort of sane decisions right now so dont be too hard on yourself just take your time and live for the day (al anon sayings :) ) im still finding the not living in the past hard to come to terms with your doing all the right things though xxxx

Here’s a bit of an update on my saga, started talking via phone and e-mail with AW, all was well and good…for a while. She claimed to be working a program, earning her own money and her attitude was good, then the subtle manipulation started.

I fell for the “poor me” I need a cash infusion ploy; things remained pretty good on the conversational level (we remained at separate residences 120mi. apart, no physical contact) until just before Christmas. At that point the blaming and confrontational behavior began to manifest itself in a big way, I would either say “good-bye I won’t argue” and hang the phone up or type “I won’t engage in this type of behavior” and refuse to be baited. When the poor behavior started up I begin one on one counseling with a therapist to augment and reinforce the advice I have been getting from my Stephen Minister. Still haven’t seen AW in 4+months and I could feel her spiral starting, the first Saturday of January I get a call, she’s in ICU for alcohol toxicity. The following Tuesday the social worker at the hospital calls and asks if I will “come get her”. I offer to provide transportation to an inpatient rehab facility but make it very clear she will not be coming to my house to get straight. She is released into her parents care and the following day I drive there to pick her up and 80+ miles to the rehab because the social worker assured me that there was an open bed and she wanted to attend.

My first sight of her was heartbreaking, shuffling feet, slurred speech and barely able to converse, Ativan was blamed. Anyway, she chose to not enroll in the inpatient facility and tried to get me to “take her home”… no dice! Back to her parents’ house with me agreeing to make the drive again on Sunday to “talk” in person. This went well in a restaurant with her explaining how she was going to do an outpatient program and attend AA meetings. Once we left the restaurant things diminished quickly, blame and accusations were on the menu. My response was sorry, see ya later, get well and I’ll be willing to attend marriage counseling. I was literally shaking when she finally got out of the car.

I have found an Alanon meeting two towns over that I’ve been going to when son is visiting his mother (different woman than AW), seeing a therapist with lots of letters behind her name who is really friendly and has a few miles under her belt, she is offering new insight into fixing me. My “detachment with love” is still causing me a great deal of anguish because I really love the person AW used to be. Maybe she’ll get better, maybe she won’t but I’m very reluctant to start the grieving process for our marriage and the woman in AW’s shell.

It is much easier dealing with myself when I can physically be separated from the drama, I know I’m doing right by my son but geeze it’s a rough road!

Thanks for listening!

ty for sharing hurtandangry.. *hugs*

It sounds like you are on the right road.. it's slow going sometimes, but putting one foot in front of the other gets us over the street.

Tx

Hi, thanks for the update.

Sorry to hear things aren't going well for your wife, but it sounds like you are doing ALLLL the right stuff, and I have a LOT of hope for YOU.

It's very sad to watch someone you love self-destructing, but we cannot save them.

All the best, keep us posted.