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Old 10-10-2010, 04:45 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
When she says the ball is in your court it really means she's not changing and you need to adjust to this.
I suppose I could post the e-mail exchange as well as the letter I wrote to my attorney and ask NaÔve to work her magic with them?
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:10 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Hi Hurtandangry,
It is such a pity, the kids could be like twins. Does she ever express regret that they have been separated because of her alcoholism? Does she suggest a reunion?
Roaring laughing at reference to Naive! It is hilarious. Good you have a sense of humor.
Coyote has a point, alyhough he made some quip about women so he has issues! Ha!
She doesn't have to change until Mom and Dad get sick of her. By the way, she damn well can drink if she wants to in her parents house, and if she isn't, well why the hell did she not stop in your house????
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:57 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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When a person "seeks recovery" for someone or something else, IMO, they do not actually seek Recovery. I do not believe a relationship can be healthy with active alcoholism involved.

My question for you is, what has caused this turnaround? You chose the healthier course of action, i.e. Remove the alcoholic from your life. What has happened that has changed your mind? She is THE SAME person she was when you had her evicted.

And have you gone to Al-Anon?
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:13 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
When a person "seeks recovery" for someone or something else, IMO, they do not actually seek Recovery. I do not believe a relationship can be healthy with active alcoholism involved.

My question for you is, what has caused this turnaround? You chose the healthier course of action, i.e. Remove the alcoholic from your life. What has happened that has changed your mind? She is THE SAME person she was when you had her evicted.

And have you gone to Al-Anon?
No I haven't gone to al-anon.
Neither have I given up my course of action.
I fully intend to go through with the divorce if she doesn't seek help and get straightened out.
Thing is I haven't told her I want her to straighten up for about 8 months.
Iíve kept my mouth shut and observed,.. when she went off the deep end again she got the boot.
I suppose Iím just grasping at straws.
I have not responded to her e-mail nor do I intend to until after I speak to my lawyer, if he didn't forward my stipulation of treatment prior to counseling then one of us needs to address that issue, if she is ignoring my stipulation then that in itself is all I need to know.
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:22 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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"Contrary to her belief that the ďballís in my courtĒ I have stepped away from the whole court when I had her evicted. I clearly cited drunken irrational behavior as the reason for the divorce proceedings as well as cause for a restraining order.
I suppose I am being pulled back into the drama if I even respond because in reality the ďballĒ of her alcoholism is hers alone to deal with, and it must be dealt with prior to me undertaking anything else."

Really? You have her and her 6-year old evicted from her home, file for divorce, and file a restraining order against her, and then six weeks later change your mind and want to take it all back, saying you will go to marriage counseling if she "changes her bad behavior"? Who is pulling whom into the drama and how irrational is it to claim to a court of law that you are afraid for your safety and then turn around and dangle this carrot in front of her, setting her up to fail because you think she just makes bad choices?

Please go to Al-Anon.
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:48 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
Man, so far your "smarts" in this situation has dusted me by at least 2-3 years. Good job.

YOUR well on your way...and you have a good gut instinct....its hard, really hard...we all have done this in one way or another with someone we love and care about deeply...

god bless...KEEP IT SIMPLE.....
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:17 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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geeze l2l,

goose-gander?

i'm only sharing my thoughts..

common sense says i'm doing the right thing.

i'll try to get to a meeting this week (it's 80+miles)
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Old 10-11-2010, 04:37 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Goose gander?
I'm not trying to be mean to you. I'm trying to show you some huge discrepancies in what you report is your thinking and your actions. What you describe does not sound like common sense to me. In my state a restraining order is a criminal complaint of domestic violence that remains on the person's record for life.
80 miles is a long way.
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Old 10-11-2010, 05:46 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Goose gander?
I'm not trying to be mean to you. I'm trying to show you some huge discrepancies in what you report is your thinking and your actions. What you describe does not sound like common sense to me. In my state a restraining order is a criminal complaint of domestic violence that remains on the person's record for life.
80 miles is a long way.
Morning L2L,

Goose gander is the old saying.
It seems from here as though doubting yourself and your actions is okay if youíre the goose but not the gander?

My position regarding divorcing my wife hasnít changed neither has my love for her and the desire to have a normal family.

In the letter I wrote to my attorney I clearly stated that I was willing to work on the marriage IF she got treatment for alcoholism.

Since I joined SR I have learned that I canít force her to seek treatment but itís okay to insist on sobriety prior to any interactions.

BTW, I didnít throw her and her child out on the street; she is staying with her folks.
And the ďcarrotĒ you speak of is nothing new, if requiring sobriety is ďsetting her up for failureĒ then I suppose Iím out of line even contemplating opening up a line of communication?
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Old 10-11-2010, 06:15 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Hi hurt,
you are a bad, bad man!
Just kidding, I do understand that the drunk careless wife is the one the restraining order and eviction are aimed at. And the sober woman you love and married is the one you would like to work with. That actually is an existing paradox. With this kind of situation, the ground is always moving under your feet.
But will you and Coyote stop with the swipes at the sisters already?! Jeeze!
Just keep moving forwars and roll with the punches (manly reference)
hugs
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Old 10-11-2010, 06:31 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hollyanne View Post
Hi hurt,
you are a bad, bad man!
Just kidding, I do understand that the drunk careless wife is the one the restraining order and eviction are aimed at. And the sober woman you love and married is the one you would like to work with. That actually is an existing paradox. With this kind of situation, the ground is always moving under your feet.
But will you and Coyote stop with the swipes at the sisters already?! Jeeze!
Just keep moving forwars and roll with the punches (manly reference)
hugs
hollyanne,
i'm honestly trying.
sorry for whining.
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Old 10-11-2010, 08:22 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Old 10-11-2010, 08:35 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
hollyanne,
i'm honestly trying.
sorry for whining.



You seem to have good sense to me as well.
It is very obvious that you are trying.

No need to apologize for "whining" because IMO you are not whining.

Keep on posting!!
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:05 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post

Please go to Al-Anon.
Okay...........I drove........I attended.........I even tried participating.

Ever feel like a turd in the punch bowl?

I was the only male in the room.

To make matters even more interesting a bearded biker type dude pouring his heart out in the midst of want-to-be society type women is really pretty weird.

I seriously doubt Iíll be going back to that meeting.

Are most al-anon meetings about how men don't/won't/can't "complete" their wives?

Listening to the perspectives expressed I don't doubt that many of the supposed alcoholics these people were trying to learn to cope with may have been seeking solace in a bottle because their relationships were so dysfunctional.

I can honestly see how working the steps will help those folks get a handle on their own lives but Iím afraid that environment would cause me to speak out of turn and most likely negatively effect someoneís work on themselves.

Itís very possible that there are different types of meetings with a different mix of people and if I get a chance to attend I will.

In the meantime I guess Iíll keep on reading here and doing what I know to be right for my son and myself.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:20 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Hi Hurt,
Well yes, you have to try another meeting. Even call to see if there are any that might be more geared to your situation. In the meantime, you have SR. Other husbands and dads from all over to be your buddies.
Do you know what is going on in her house now? Is she drinking? how is the little one?
She is fine, she is getting to drink probably, so that is WONDERFUL!
I suppose at this stage, you just have to take some time to relax and enjoy the peace. You probably should avoid any relationships for a bit. Just work away and enjoy spending time with your little one. you are "off the case" so to speak. Do make sure, that the other child is getting taken care of. Call child services and have them check on the child. I really do not mean that maliciously, I just think you are still the other parent and you are a big boy able to mind yourself, the kid, not.
Have a good week and Halloween is coming, go dress up and be silly! Hugs
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:35 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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I'm sure my AW would complain that I don't "complete" her. I think maybe we were mismatched from the start; she's a high-maintenance person... needs lots of nurturing and is very jealous and insecure. I, on the other hand, am not very nurturing... but I'm also not very demanding either.

Add to that her OCD, and her hypochondria, which has cost us literally tens of thousands in medical costs and weird hoarding purchases... and my well of sympathy has diminished over the years. Her recent plunge into alcoholism has drained it dry.

Now, AW tells all her friends and even our daughter that I don't love her, and she feels neglected, yada yada yada. Okay, I'm willing to take my share of the blame... but where we are now is really not going to be sustainable.

So, I feel your pain, and admire your guts... and wish you the best of luck with your situation.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:48 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hollyanne

But will you and Coyote stop with the swipes at the sisters already?! Jeeze!
Huh? I didn't get that at all in your posts, guys. Carry on....
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:55 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Huh? I didn't get that at all in your posts, guys. Carry on....
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Old 10-19-2010, 07:16 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
I was the only male in the room.
Hi Hurt,

Not sure about your area but there are men only meetings. Just went to one last week and there were plenty of bearded biker types there.

In the meantime you've got a great support system right here!
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Old 10-19-2010, 07:23 AM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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My meeting is mostly women. We have one new guy, but have a few men here and there at each meeting.
The women in our meeting never dis their men. EVER! If fact, they often never talk about their spouses and keep all the focus on themselves.

If any group, male or female, feels uncomfortable, then it's just not the meeting for you.
I would not like being in a meeting where they talk bad about their spouses, it just keeps the pain alive.
The point is to focus on US alone
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